So my household chores are usually performed by my fat-arsed Irish bitch, SID...
However, SID is detained temporarily at Fat Camp.
So in the meantime I’m in need of domestic services.
A number of you are already aware of my situation and have offered to help out.
Beast is particularly enthusiastic and has emailed a number of photos to me.
Enough is enough, Beast. Stop filling my inbox…
Old Knudsen claims he can spit and polish and never spill a drop …
Donn tries to impress me with the size of his tool…
Geoff proves he can make a good cuppa tea…
Tazzy and Piggy show me they’ve had domestic experience over at their neighbour’s house….
Even Ireland’s finest waiter, Manuel, tried to convince me he’s the man for the job with this pic…
And finally, Inner Voices shows off his big rig…
Who do you think I should choose to be my cleaning bitch?
And is anyone else interested in the position?
Once I’ve chosen, you’d better not disappoint me…
c'mon stop dragging that old picture of me out, I buffed yer knick knacks for a month and you said you wouldn't show that again. Never trust a woman or MJ.
ReplyDeleteKNUDSEN: Yeah, well you missed a spot.
ReplyDeleteAn obvious fake Beast Nekkid hoovering pic.
ReplyDelete1.Its not a dyson
2.The 'crevice tool' is far to small.
Old knudy looks 'saucy'
BEAST: Fake? Poppycock!
ReplyDeleteSince your crevice tool is so small you won't need a big hose carrier or a big tool caddy to tote it around, will you?
I'm off to bed now. I hope I don't dream of you applying suction to my nooks and crannies.
Pick me! Pick me! I could be your stand in for the lady at the top!
ReplyDeleteActually, don't pick me... I hate housework too.
Pick Geoff. That way you'd get a pink wigged Betty as part of the bargain!
ReplyDeleteC'mon T-Bird. Let's go back to your subconscious for a cup of coffee and a bun. Perhaps Tim would've done the cleaning in our absence?
Manuel is the obvious choice - he's a trained waiter and he can polish your brasses to a brilliant shine with that hairy arse of his.
ReplyDeletewell said kaz.......but my arse is so versatile...it can do anything......
ReplyDeleteT-BIRD & IVD: I could hire the pair of you as a team.
ReplyDeleteSurely you must have electric Brooms at The Coven?
As for Betty being part of the deal, I’d never hear the end of her complaining.
KAZ & MANUEL: Manuel’s arse is best suited for dusting.
The dust particles would stick like white on rice to those hairs.
His arse is the Velcro of cleaning products, when you think about it.
He claims 'it can do anything'... take the rubbish out .. Hoover the floor??
ReplyDeleteI'd start your to do list now.
It's true, Nature abhors a vacuum!
ReplyDeleteIn point of fact I am a firm believer in Dyson's principle of cyclonic separation with a bagless G-force vacuum...
however the opposite is true when making whoopee in which case a firm, cyclonic, agitation of the G spot is imperative.
Nature adores this type of vacuum!
I make tea but I don't go near dust. I get all wheezy.
ReplyDeleteKAZ: If Manuel's arse is truly efficient, Martha Stewart will try to copyright it and start selling it as part of the Martha Stewart Collection.
ReplyDeleteThen Manuel’s arse will get too big for its britches.
DONN: I’m imagining you saying that in a James Dyson voice whilst pointing to a diagram and then adding, "I just think things should work properly."
All rather clinical.
And tell me, if Dyson is so popular, why do they still call vacuuming “Hoovering”?
GEOFF: You won’t get a health plan with this position so I’m not sure you’re the man for the job.
I’m not paying for your antihistamines.
Notice how I'm NOT offering, however housework is fun if you dress up.
ReplyDeleteOne day you'd dress up as a showgirl, next time in an evening gown and then the small top, micro mini and 9 inch stilettos
Variety is the spice of life dear
I'd go with Manuel too - maybe you can dress him up?
Harump ....enough of this limp wristed approach to cleaning...if there is a job to be done , strip down , tool up and get it sorted.
ReplyDeleteMuch like sex really.....you lot must be hard work in the sack :-)
CYBERSLUT: I wear a corset from time to time to do my housecleaning.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me feel glamourous in what is essentially, a mundane task.
But nine-inch stilettos?
Only YOU can carry THAT off!
BEAST: Don’t go getting all big and butch on us.
*slips 9-inch heels onto Beasty’s delicate tootsies*
Cinderella! Cinderella!
Well practice makes perfect
ReplyDeletestart small and work your way up
I don't mind doing the washing-up.
ReplyDeleteCYBERPOOF: There is NO way I'm wearing flats.
ReplyDeleteBILLY: Fine.
Are you willing to wear a dog collar?
I didn't say you should start at square one silly
ReplyDeletewearing flats is a crime against humanity and fashion
She could do my ironing anytime! Watch for those nasty burns...
ReplyDelete*staggers in late*
ReplyDeletewas out in the yard working on the injection system. my bad, i dont mind the house work shit, but i would enjoy standing in the corner naked more.
*flops down on couch and spills warm beer in lap. wonders how to lick it up himself without wasting any*
and they do say, "once you go zack you never go back"!
IDV I think I'll toast some of those hot cross buns the Easter Bilby dropped off.
ReplyDeleteLooking at these dust bunnies on the pink rug, and the absence of Tim tells me he's probably escaped again...
CYBERHO: Seeing that MyToes is here, I’ll opt for open-toed slingbacks.
ReplyDeleteStrappy open-toed slingbacks.
MYTOES: You are hired to paint my toes.
VOICES: Knudsen at least made an effort and dressed the part.
But YOU!
Off my couch, you layabout!
T-BIRD: Bilby.
tee hee.
*gets off couch and notices large wet stain, checks to see if anyone is looking and flips over cushion, notices even larger stain on reverse side with little note*
ReplyDelete"old knudsen was here"
*leaves cushion on reverse side and starts cleaning out mjs liquor cabinet*
Tim slipped out of my grasp, T-Bird. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteNow, MJ. Do you have any rubber sheets to put over the couch? I don't want to get extra virgin olive oil all over it when I sit down...
VOICES: No one touches my liquor!
ReplyDelete*grabs liquor by the ears*
IVD: If you and Tim are to wrestle naked, let it be over at yours where you can make all the mess you want.
And I don't want to deal with your KY stains either.
is that a tiny tim?
ReplyDelete*with no beer left and liquor no longer available to clean out her cabinet,he heads off to basement to see what needs dusting*
"what the hell is all this stuff!!!"
VOICES: Tim is IVD's pretend boyfriend.
ReplyDeleteYou're in the basement?
Don't open the trap door!
*hears muffled banter from mj upstairs, ignores it and opens trap door, screams like a little girl and passes out.*
ReplyDeletewhat? what? why'd he scream? why'd you scream voices? hello voices? *unzips gimp mask* voices? hello? HEY MJ VOICES IS PASSED OUT ON THE FLO
ReplyDelete*reaches end of chain abruptly, rolls back down stairs*
Anytime...just pick the color! Do you do housework like this also?
ReplyDeleteVOICES: No one can hear you scream in Hell.
ReplyDeleteFN: Voices passed out?
Good. We can talk about him behind his back now.
Wait a minute. Doesn’t he have some kind of digestive problem?
VOICES? You’d better not mess on my floor!
MYTOES: Eh? Do housework how?
Trapped in the basement? This thread is beginning to sound all "it puts the lotion in the basket".
ReplyDelete*wakes up in some kind of lace and leather suit, spits up some sort of liquid and escapes out the back door*
ReplyDeleteT-BIRD: Rest assured we're not that kind of blog.
ReplyDeleteVOICES: Back door?
Is that a euphemism?