Thursday, November 29, 2012

Vote NOW for the Kitchen Queen!

It's time to vote for the Kitchen Queen, Bitches!


EVERYONE is welcome to cast a vote regardless of whether or not you've submitted a recipe.

Clicking on a recipe's title will take you to the full recipe post for any particular Bitch.

Take your time to consider the merits of each recipe before casting your vote.

Voting is open all day Thursday and Friday. A winner will be announced sometime on the weekend.

Let's review the recipes, shall we?

1. UTE's German-Style Casserole...

2. LX's Traditional Cranberries...

3. HUGGY JON's Fantaisie sur Glace...

4. KEVIN's Poulet au Paprika...

5. MITZI's Grandma Ermintrude’s Jammy Rings...

6. NORMA's Salted Caramel “Ding Dong” Cake...

7. FIRST NATIONS' Raviolis with Sauce...

8. MR. PEENEE's Potatoes Dauphinoise...

9. TOPHER's Blue Ribbon Apple Pie...

10. COOKIE's Momma Koblentz's Sweet and Sour Brisket...

11. WALLY's Peanut Butter Pie...

Good luck to all our fabulous contestants!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Coming Soon

At your stations, ladies...

You will soon be judged.

Your entries in the Kitchen Queen Contest are simply divine.


And so are you.

Thank you, once again, for your patience.

Kitchen Queen Contest Scandal!

Round about the cauldron go;
In the poison'd entrails throw.

Double,double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

It has come to our attention that three jealous Bitches have tampered with the recipe entries of the other Kitchen Queen Contest contestants.

You WILL be found and disqualified!

Monday, November 26, 2012

She's Making a List

It's that time of year when Mistress MJ updates her mailing list.


Unfortunately, it is unlikely that Mistress MJ will get it together in time this year to send out those festive holiday cards that you so look forward to.

So do not sit there all holiday season waiting for your slot to be stuffed.

Nonetheless, if you Bitches have moved since this time LAST year, email Mistress MJ your updated mailing address.

NOTE: We're talking snail mail, Bitches.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Say Amen, Bitches

Pray that you win the Kitchen Queen Contest.


Judgement Day is coming soon.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Blind Taste Tests

In advance preparation for the Kitchen Queen Contest voting day, Mistress MJ has arranged for you all to blind taste test all the recipes that have been submitted.


Would anyone care to comment on their findings?

NOTE: The official voting day will take place sometime next week. This is simply a blind taste test.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Where Were You in '62?

Three, count 'em, THREE Infomaniac Bitches were born in 1962 and turned 50 this year!

Princess and Wally and Cookie all turned fifty in 2012.

Who else out there has turned fifty and can offer Prinny, Wally and Cookie some sisterly advice on what to expect from here on?

And which of you Bitches will be turning fifty in the near future?

By the way, Princess, Wally and Cookie are now eligible for a room at the Infomaniac "Villa of Queens" Old Homosexuals' Haven Retirement Home.

Because 50 is 75 in gay years, isn't it?

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Cookie's 50th Birthday Party!

He came from "The Wonderful World of Ohio"...


And now he calls Baltimore home...

EVERYONE wants a taste of our Cookie!...

Join us as we celebrate Ask the Cool Cookie's 50th birthday!

And a Happy Thanksgiving to all our American Bitches!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Wenis Wednesday

Coming Soon...


Well, soon-ish.

Apologies for the delay.

We here at Infomaniac guarantee that you'll have your chance to cast your vote in the Kitchen Queen Contest sometime next week.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Fed Up

Norma is clearly displeased by the delay in posting the Kitchen Queen Contest's voting day...

It's enough to drive her back to her sick bed.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Mystery of Mysteries

Mistress MJ understands that you have grown restless waiting for her return so in her absence, our Thom presents you Bitches with a mystery to be solved. Over to you, Thom...

"Whilst walking along the river, I saw -- somewhat off the beaten path -- a large cross leaning against a tree. On the other side of the same tree: a pair of underpants. What can it mean?"

"I hasten to add that I resisted the temptation to hang the underwear on the cross."

Friday, November 16, 2012


ANNOUNCEMENT: All ELEVEN of your recipes have been posted for the Kitchen Queen Contest.

Miss Scarlet has kindly lent us her SMEG to store your cakes, casseroles and assorted goodies whilst we await the judging portion of the competition…

Mistress MJ must take a few days off do do this, that, and the other thing…mostly the other thing.

She will return as soon as possible (sometime next week) so that we may arrange a voting day for your magnificent recipe entries.

See you Bitches soon!

Filthy Friday – Kitchen Queen Edition


Have you enjoyed the Kitchen Queen Contest so far, Bitches?

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #11 - Wally's Peanut Butter Pie

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #11 - Wally's Peanut Butter Pie

First of all, you all need to know that I am a professional Chef, and possess a certain degree of celebrity. When Mistress first gave notice of this contest, I thought "Yeah! "I can excuse myself!"", like it was the Olympics or something...
Then I sobered up & had some coffee. (Yoko would understand, trust me).

This is not to imply that an amateur chef or a good home cooker could not have one f'ing fantastic recipe, not at all. In fact, the best recipe books you could get are from churches, with church ladies, giving away family recipes to one-up each other! (Martha would understand, trust me).


Being a great Chef is quite like being a great Prostitute; If you are any good at it, you will be used & sore.
Do, please excuse me as I am used, bitchy & sore...

And then you have to deal with the constant plagiarism; I've had restaurants steal ideas, decor, recipes and even my mantras du jour & open up a place a few miles away from me. (Ozzy would understand, trust me).

But, what to share?

I have been so, so busy lately that I will go back to the first rule of cooking:

#1 K.I.S.S. - Keep It Simple Stupid.

So I have decided to submit a life & time saver of a dessert recipe, that is in keeping with my new province:


Pre-bake one deep-dish pie shell and set aside

Whip till creamy:

1 1/4 Cups softened smooth peanut butter

2/3 Cup softened butter (or quality margarine)

1 teaspoon vanilla

Add and whip till smooth:

2 Cups confectioners sugar

In a separate bowl, whip till frothy:

3/4 Cup heavy or whipping cream

Add cream to butters, whisking at a steady rate, then pour into pie shell and chill for twelve hours minimum.

Now, I have been drizzling melted bitter chocolate over my pies (as pictured), but it could be served in any number of ways...

Imagine it with a strawberry jam sauce...

How about an Oreo cookie crust in place of a pie crust?

What if I used almond or cashew butter instead?

Mostly the mind reals......

And my all time favorite order from one Henry Mancini:

"Turkey on white, hold the mayo....."

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Wally’s 50th Birthday Party!

We interrupt the Kitchen Queen Contest to invite you Bitches to celebrate Designing Wally’s 50th birthday!!!

As luck would have it, Wally’s birthday (November 14th) falls on National Pickle Day so we here at Infomaniac propose a pickle party!

Everybody grab a pickle hat and let the celebrations begin!...

If you don’t have a pickle, use a cucumber!

You don’t have a cucumber? We’re handing them out at the door!...




Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #10 - Cookie's Momma Koblentz's Sweet and Sour Brisket

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #10 - Cookie's Momma Koblentz's Sweet and Sour Brisket

Momma Koblentz's Sweet and Sour Brisket

1) 5-6 pound beef brisket with the fat. No one likes a dry brisket.
2) 1 cup brown sugar
3) 2 packages of Lipton Beefy Onion Soup
4) 1 TBS of white vinegar

You'll need heavy aluminum foil and a meat roaster, and this needs to be made a day before you need it. It has to mellow overnight.


Seam together two sheets of heavy duty foil (along the width) tightly and place on counter shiny side up.

In the middle of the foil, empty one of the Lipton Soup packages.

Place the meat, fat side up, on the dry soup mix.

Empty the second container onto the fat and rub it in

Carefully bring the sides of the foil up and neatly seal the meat completely up in the foil as air tight as possible.

Place this into a metal roaster lined with foil. Place the lid on the roaster and put this into the over at 325 degrees (F) for 4-5 hours.

After cooking is complete, remove from over, remove the roaster lid and CAREFULLY open the foil and dump the brown sugar onto the hot meat and quickly seal the foil back up.

Let cool, then place in the fridge over night.


Remove from fridge, open the foil and pick off the cold white fat. Throw this away.

Remove the meat, move the pan drippings to a sauce pan and bring to a simmer. Add in the vinegar stir and let cool.

Using an electric knife, slice the meat against the grain into thin slices. NEVER slice the meat with the grain.

Place the sliced meat, fat side up on a Pyrex dish, pour the liquid sauce from the pan over this meat, and then cover with foil. Reheat for an hour at 350.

Serve with Uncle Ben's Wild Rice, which has a nice counter point flavor to the meat and the sauce.

For leftovers, build a sandwich on Challah with Swiss cheese. Throw some butter into a skillet and then toast (like you would a grilled cheese sandwich) the sandwich till the bread gets a nice brown color. Yummy!

NOTE: DO NOT Try this with a crockpot. Jesus will cry if you do this. Trust me.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #9 - Topher's Blue Ribbon Apple Pie

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #9 - Topher's Blue Ribbon Apple Pie

I didn't think I had any recipes with me being that most of my knick-knacks, trinkets, bibelots, treasures and fur pieces, are in storage in sunny Bonita Springs Florida. However, I discovered this gem in my trusty 1980's era briefcase and knew that I just had to share this with you Bitches. I discovered this at a restaurant in Chicago called "The Prairie" (I believe it was in Printer's Row) and soon it made it's way to the pages of Bon Appetit (January 1993). This is a deep dish apple pie with some nuts (insert pun here), a bit of carmel/chocolate and all the tartness you deserve (well, maybe not ALL). Scrumptious can not begin to describe the taste of this dish and if I had the means (and the test kitchen) to make it again, this would be a fabulous prelude to......

Blue Ribbon Apple Pie

8 servings

2 cups all purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup (1 stick bitches) chilled (not frozen) unsalted butter and cut into pieces
1/3 cup chilled solid vegetable shortening, cut into pieces
1/3 cup sugar
1 large egg, beaten
1 teaspoon distilled white vinegar
2 tablespoons ice water (approx measure)

Combine flour and salt in medium bowl. Cut butter and shortening in, with a fork, until the mixture resembles coarse meal. Stir in sugar, egg and vinegar. Mix in just enough ice water, 1 tablespoon at a time, to form dough that holds together. Divide the dough in half and flatten each half into a disc. Wrap each in saran wrap and chill 4 hours or overnight.

2/3 cup packed dark brown sugar
1/4 cup sugar
1/4 all purpose flour
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 pounds tart green apples (such as Granny Smith) - peeled, cored and cut into 1/4" slices
1/4 cup (1/2 stick Bitches) unsalted butter

Combine first 7 ingredients in a large bowl. Add apples and toss them to coat. Melt butter in a large heavy skillet over medium high heat. Add the apples and cook until the apples are slightly softened....about 10 minutes.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F...on a floured surface, roll out 1 dough piece to a 14 inch diameter round . Transfer the dough to a 9" deep dish glass pie dish. Fit the dough into the dish and turn the edges leaving 1/2 inch overhang. Fold the overhang under and let it rest on the rim (it's tired after all that pounding - take a sip from the vodka fountain, if parched) Line the crust with foil and fill with pie weights or dried beans. Bake 10 minutes. Remove the foil and weights/beans and bake until the crust is set but has no color - about 5 minutes.

3/4 cup all purpose flour
4 1/2 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons (that's 1/4 stick Bitches) unsalted butter
3 1.4 ounce chocolate covered English Toffee Bars (such as Heath), chopped

1 large egg beaten with 2 tablespoons water (glaze)

Combine the flour and sugar and using a fork, mix in the butter until it resembles coarse meal and then stir in the toffee.

On a floured surface, roll out the second disc of dough to 14" round diameter. Mound (not mount but hey, whatever) the apple filling into the pre-baked pie crust and sprinkle the streusel over the pie. Top this with second crust. Trim the dough leaving a 1/2 overhang and pinch the crusts together (as in a gentle pinch, not a titty twister) to seal the edges. Brush pie with the glaze. Cut 5 slits into the stop to allow steam to escape.

Bake until the crust is golden and the apples are tender - about 55 minutes. Cool the pie one hour.

What you do with it, and/or serve with it, is completely up to you.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Remembrance Day

We interrupt the Kitchen Queen Contest to ask that you take a few minutes out of your busy day for quiet contemplation no matter whether you call November 11th Remembrance Day, Veterans Day, or Armistice Day.

Thankfully, we Kitchen Queens do not have to endure the food rationing that was imposed upon citizens during the two world wars.

Everyone received a ration book full of coupons which allowed them to buy a limited amount of food.

Rationed items included meat, butter, sugar, tea, coffee, jam, biscuits, breakfast cereals, cheese, eggs, lard, milk, canned fruit, dried fruit and more.

Imagine having to substitute canned meats such as Spam in place of ham and other meats...


Or using powdered eggs instead of fresh eggs...


Or making do with carrots on sticks, an alternative to ice cream which was unavailable during World War Two...

Or doing without bananas which disappeared from shops in both WW1 and WW2...

Did you know that food rationing lasted for 14 years in Britain, from 1940 until 1954?

Housewives had to be endlessly creative.

A morning radio programme (The Kitchen Front) gave housewives recipes on how, for instance, to make a 'tasty' dessert out of potatoes, without flour, sugar or lard. One government tip was use liquid paraffin (a laxative) instead of lard in baking - the effects were devastating!

THIS is what the Kitchen Queen Contest might have looked like if we'd held it during WW2...

[photo via]

[photo via]