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Never before has the man behind Mutley the Dog been seen on the Internet. (Apart from an online dating site.)
Remember. You saw it here first, folks.
Welcome to a new series on Infomaniac.
From time to time, Infomaniac will conduct an up-close-and-personal interview with an Infomaniac reader.
Today we feature MUTLEY THE DOG!
All the way from Bridport, England.
And so we begin…
For this interview I’d like 12 bottles of Evian natural spring water in my wardrobe room (leave the toilet seat up in case I deplete my supply) and a bowl of dry Eukanuba (take the odd-sized bits out) ready upon arrival. And beetroot juice for him.
INFOMANIAC: Everyone wants to know about the star of the show; your dog.
MUTLEY: Hes a smelly vicious and elderly jack russell terrier. He used to be a very active dog now he mostly likes sleeping.
INFOMANIAC: What makes Bridport THE place to be in England?
MUTLEY: It has a unique smell from the euro-abattoir and the beetroot pickling plant. It used to be a centre for ropemaking - but since the closure of the rope makery everyone is unemployed. People will do ANYTHING for money - like Cuba but not so sunny. The radiation spills have created a unique wildlife locally.. you can have a moustache without everyone thinking you are gay. The mullet is still in fashion... local girls do it for cigarettes.. Eggs are easy to come by .. its easy to bribe the Police...
INFOMANIAC: How are you doing in your goal to become an Internet millionaire?
MUTLEY: Very well I think !! I have made US$ 22 in the last year from ads!!
INFOMANIAC: How's your love life?
MUTLEY: Its looking up - looking up girls skirts that is!!
The Lovely Bonita: Has Mutley finally fallen for her charms? Or will he keep it professional as just her oboe tutor?
INFOMANIAC: What is the most bizarre request you've had sexually?
MUTLEY: I have never had a sexual request - do women make requests other than 'stop that' and 'please go away'?
INFOMANIAC: Our female readers and a few of the men want to know… what makes you the perfect catch?
MUTLEY: I am covered in scales and poach easily. No!! Thats my little joke! I have an enormous dong and I am rich - er... I am not the perfect catch - but any fat ugly women reading who are a bit desperate might think otherwise...
INFOMANIAC: Describe your personal fashion style. Including your undergarments.
MUTLEY: I wear clothes from ALDI - which are famously stylish - I have 2 pairs of undies - lime green - one to wear - one to 'wash'... I have a leather jacket and some sandals as well as work shoes and boots. Sometimes I dress as a woman.
INFOMANIAC: Take a look around your home. What do you see?
MUTLEY: There is a terrifying howling gale outside the window and a hole in the wall of the bedroom. I have a kitchen/living room with a fridge and a Baby Belling as well as a sink. There is a toilet - mushrooms grow there.. It is a fourth floor 'flat' with exciting views of rooftops!! Huge waves are rushing at the house and I may lose power any moment. Also its freezing cold.
INFOMANIAC: What are your hobbies?
MUTLEY: Allotment, fishing, collecting bus tickets, parking my car. Sleeping.
INFOMANIAC: According to your road tests, what would you say is the best alcoholic beverage to get you sozzled the fastest?
MUTLEY: Vodkat!!
INFOMANIAC: Where do you want to be in 10 years?
MUTLEY: Still in bed I hope - snoozing.
INFOMANIAC: Given this opportunity, is there anything you'd like to say to Infomaniac's readers?
MUTLEY: Oh.... er.....hello?
Mr. Mutley will now take questions from the audience.
To visit Mutley the Dog’s blog, click here.
Come back again soon.
You could be the next featured guest on Infomaniac Interviews!
Yay! First!
ReplyDeleteMutley: How do you protect yourself from the bizarre wildlife in Bridport? And what tips can you give to people unfortunate enough to find themselves there?
Mutley: Does your owner get jealous when you lick your balls? Has he ever tried to lick them?
ReplyDeleteHello Mr Device! Mostly the locals are used to the wildlife and accept a certain degree of predation as the natural order - this is why they have so many children and start so young...
ReplyDeleteIf you visit Brudpert - try and adopt the local fatalistic attitude - whatever will be will be - and drink a lot of the local delicacy "White Lightning"!
Ah Mr Convict!! That old chestnut always comes up in interviews so I will just say what I always say. "God made us all different and special - you can't be anyone else nor does he want you to be." And I will leave it at that if I may.
ReplyDeleteGetting back to the wildlife in Bridport...
ReplyDeleteWhat are these radioactive howler monkeys all about?
oooh
ReplyDeletethe pic looks as if Mutley has just been fished out of the sea and is about to be displayed as 'catch of the day'. This can't be right.
Dear Mr Mutley,
ReplyDeleteMy questions are;
what exactly did our salacious reporter promise you in return for shining a bright light in your darkest corners?,
did she pay you in kindness,'favours', or Loonies?
and was the 'g & e' dropped in Bridport as a cost saving measure?
Delete
ReplyDeleteBlogger MJ said...
Getting back to the wildlife in Bridport...
What are these radioactive howler monkeys all about?
They are highly intelligent and usually wear a Fez and a waistcoat. They have solved Foucault's Theorem and invented perpetual motion amongst other things...
Blogger bittersweet me said...
ReplyDeleteoooh
the pic looks as if Mutley has just been fished out of the sea and is about to be displayed as 'catch of the day'. This can't be right.
Once he locks on to something he never lets go. I know you have a lot of experience of that in your own life...
Blogger Donn said...
ReplyDeleteDear Mr Mutley,
My questions are;
what exactly did our salacious reporter promise you in return for shining a bright light in your darkest corners?,
did she pay you in kindness,'favours', or Loonies?
and was the 'g & e' dropped in Bridport as a cost saving measure?
MJ has kindly sent me a sample of her private photos for my collection. Bridport can indeed be speled with a GE as in'Gebridport' or even 'Bridportge' - both are acceptable local variations...
so mutley, do you have your own album like the one in MJs post below this one?
ReplyDeleteand does your family rally around you with drinks and sweaters to fill the evenings with wine, women and shlong?
I'd like a photo of you in a tight angora sweater and high heels.
ReplyDeleteCan you make this happen?
Mr. Mutley,
ReplyDeleteIs it true you only do it "doggie style" when someone is watching?
And, because I have no shame...
can I have YOUR hat?
Signed,
A.B
.'When you look around your home what do you see'
ReplyDeleteMr Mutley didnt see me hiding under the bed. I shall leap out later and see if I can make him soil his shorts....sniggers
ummm... i took my heels off when you said i wasnt in kansas any more... *starts looking around all the poppies for his sparkling red heels, trips over empty wine bottle and knocks self unconcious*
ReplyDeleteMr Mutley: I like your dog. Can I pat him?
ReplyDelete*waits for Mr. Mutley to answer time-sensitive, pertinent questions*
ReplyDeleteThis is brilliant.
ReplyDeleteYou shush Dinah or you'll be next.
ReplyDeleteINNER VOICES said...
ReplyDeleteso mutley, do you have your own album like the one in MJs post below this one?
and does your family rally around you with drinks and sweaters to fill the evenings with wine, women and shlong?
I have never recoded any songs despite my excellent singing voice - my producer tells me it is not 'fashionable' - but I have been in two porn movies...
Blogger MJ said...
ReplyDeleteI'd like a photo of you in a tight angora sweater and high heels.
Can you make this happen?
Of course......er ..... what is angora?
T-Bird said...
ReplyDeleteMr Mutley: I like your dog. Can I pat him?
Yes of course! I will just get the gloves - would you care for a glass of wine or some nibbles?
Blogger MJ said...
ReplyDelete*waits for Mr. Mutley to answer time-sensitive, pertinent questions*
Join me in the hot tub and chill man - let me show you a goooooood time ....
Blogger Anonymous Boxer said...
ReplyDeleteMr. Mutley,
Is it true you only do it "doggie style" when someone is watching?
And, because I have no shame...
can I have YOUR hat?
Signed,
A.B
I only do it when someone is watching at all... other wise I am a bit remiss in that department. You may have my hat - it will keep your little boxer ears warm!!
Blogger BEAST said...
ReplyDelete.'When you look around your home what do you see'
Mr Mutley didnt see me hiding under the bed. I shall leap out later and see if I can make him soil his shorts....sniggers
So you think - why did you end up locked in the fridge? Did you think I left those sausages in there by accident - no it was a cunning trap!!
Blogger INNER VOICES said...
ReplyDeleteummm... i took my heels off when you said i wasnt in kansas any more... *starts looking around all the poppies for his sparkling red heels, trips over empty wine bottle and knocks self unconcious*
Oddly the very same thing happened tome the other day... it was a bottle of T-Bird - Raspberry Lady Flavor!
Blogger Dinah said...
ReplyDeleteThis is brilliant.
You are brilliant Dinah - care to join MJ and I in the hot tub ? *Grrrrrrrrr*
Blogger MJ said...
ReplyDeleteYou shush Dinah or you'll be next.
Errrrmmmmm....... that sounds good to me...
Wine and nibbles would be divine. Although that Raspberry Lady Flavour sounds a bit like cough medicine. A nice sem sav will do!
ReplyDeleteSplendid - luckily I have some on ice....
ReplyDeleteWhat a fantastic interview! Such a modest and intelligent canine! Now, this dog, I'd like to see on an album cover!
ReplyDeleteI used to work for HMV.....
ReplyDelete