Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Shove It Up Yer Arse


Rectum? Damn near killed ‘em!



Hospital emergency doctors frequently encounter people (mostly men, it seems) who have “accidentally” inserted foreign objects into their arses.





Photo via [Old Knudsen]



A partial list of objects found up arses include the following:

Candles
Pens and pencils
Fruits and vegetables
Chewing gum
Curling iron
Flashlight
Toothbrush
Spoon
Cooking tongs
Balloons
Toilet plunger
Baseball
Umbrella handle
Vibrators (still vibrating)
Dildos
Mobile phone
Shoehorn
Oven mitt
Sausage
Eyeglasses
Door handle
Perfume bottle
Back scratcher
Pencil eraser
Screwdriver
and …
A jar of maraschino cherries



CASE STUDIES:



PEANUT BUTTER JAR:





A 65-year-old man came to the emergency department of a hospital complaining of lower abdominal pain. A large empty peanut butter jar was discovered in his rectum, and the patient was transferred to the regional medical center for its extraction.The patient reported that he was washing his dog in the shower when he accidentally slipped and fell on a glass jar, which entered his rectum.




LIGHT BULB:





Fateh Mohammad, a prisoner in Pakistan, says he woke up with a glass light bulb in his anus. Doctors brought Mohammad’s misery to an end after a one-and-a-half hour operation to remove the object. “We had to take it out intact,” said Dr Farrukh Aftab at Nishtar Hospital. “Had it been broken inside, it would be a very complicated situation.” Mohammad, who is serving a four-year sentence for making liquor, said he was shocked when he was first told the cause of his discomfort. “When I woke up I felt a pain in my lower abdomen, but later in hospital, they told me this,” Mohammad said. The doctor treating Mohammad said he’d never encountered anything like it before, and doubted the felon’s story that someone had drugged him and inserted the bulb while he was comatose.




CONCRETE ENEMA:





A 20-year-old man used an enema containing a concrete mix that became impacted and required surgical removal. The patient said that approximately 4 hrs earlier he and his boyfriend had been "fooling around." After stirring a batch of concrete mix, the patient laid on his back with his feet against the wall at a 45-degree angle while his boyfriend poured the mixture through a funnel into his rectum. After the concrete mass hardened, it became so painful that he sought medical care.


Infomaniac’s research reveals that a few objects found up arses belonged to some of our very own readers!...



Broom handle (IVF, obviously)




Live artillery shell (Geo, of course)





Bottle of whiskey (SID, naturally)





Dentures (Belonging to Old Knudsen. Found up MJ’s arse.)




If you know you have a foreign body in your rectum, or think you do, seek medical help to remove it as soon as possible.

BUTT if you must shove something up yer arse, play safely.




Bush butt plug


Now, where did I put my house keys?

30 comments:

  1. Yay! First!

    My arse is exit only.

    *whistles*

    ReplyDelete
  2. Piggy: I heard that your arse whistles when you fart. Something to do with a train ...

    MJ: There was a programme on Sky One covering the 50 (might've been 100) things stuck in a bum and the concrete enema was number one. One additional fact that you omitted was that concrete actually heats up as it hardens causing burns.

    Ask SID if he sat on your keys.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I loved the line from 'Scrubs' where Dr Cox, having examined an x-ray clearly featuring an inserted light bulb, says something like, "Either he's inserted a light bulb up his ass or his colon has just had a really good idea."

    ReplyDelete
  4. If i think long & hard enough i,m sure i could say something funny about including the phrase "if your already in a Hole, stop digging." i cant think of anything @ the moment.I will let you know if anything comes up..............

    ReplyDelete
  5. I would like to shove all my losing coffee cups up someone's ass!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I don't know who would want a George Bush buttplug, but GB himself doesn't need one. He's had Tony Blair up his arse for several years now.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Vulgar.

    Completely vulgar I say.

    Shoving things up one's bum ... it's wrong I tell ya.

    *covers up bottle of anal lube in toy drawer to hide evidence*

    ReplyDelete
  8. PIGGY: Your arse is a storage facility.

    CONNIE: Was anyone we know featured on that programme?

    *wonders how Connie knows about concrete burns*

    TICKERS: *sniggers at light bulb line*

    The only TV “stuff up yer arse” reference I recall was on Seinfeld. George Costanza’s father fell arse-first onto the Fusilli Jerry statue.

    TONY: I don’t think you can top going down on your PC. I won’t let you live that one down, by the way.

    SPIKEY: You’re gonna have to roll up somebody’s rim to fit ‘em all in!

    BETTY: That explains why Bush called out "Yo, Blair!" at the G8 meeting.

    MAIDY: I’m surprised you have room in the drawer with all your vibrators competing for space.

    ReplyDelete
  9. MJ: Apart from the programme mentioning this, concrete contains tricalcium silicate.

    The equation for the hydration of tricalcium silicate is given by:

    Tricalcium silicate + Water--->Calcium silicate hydrate+Calcium hydroxide + heat

    2 Ca3SiO5 + 7 H2O ---> 3 CaO.2SiO2.4H2O + 3 Ca(OH)2 + 173.6kJ


    Source

    ReplyDelete
  10. Well, it is two drawers I'm using now. The collection was getting kinda large.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Maidy: Get a bigger bedside cabinet. Alternatively do what Tatas did and start filling a chest of drawers.

    ReplyDelete
  12. CONNIE: You blinded me with science.

    MAIDY: Speaking of concrete, you have quite an assortment of concrete vibrators don’t you?

    CONNIE: Why does Tatas need so many vibrators? Aren’t you pulling your weight?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Don't you mean "Where did I put my house?" MJ? I remember that 'glass-topped coffee table incident' at Connie's...

    ReplyDelete
  14. This calls for a rectum specialist.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm a Freud I can't comment.

    ReplyDelete
  16. SPIKEY: No but I can get you a Rimroller.

    IVF: I thought we agreed never to mention that again.

    RICH: You’re a doctor, aren’t you? Are you a proctologist? Or is it just that you work with assholes?

    SID: Ah, but you’re Jung at heart.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ahem.... Sorry. It just slipped out.

    Much like your keys.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I have been wondering what happened to the Sausage Dog next door- you don't think..???

    ReplyDelete
  19. IVF: May I remind you that you yourself said it's Piggy's arse that is a spelunker's dream. Let's give credit where credit is due.

    MUTLEY: Nah, not a sausage dog. But one thing I DID inadvertently leave off the list was a hot dog.

    ReplyDelete
  20. would anyone like to see my douche?

    ReplyDelete
  21. FROBI: I don’t think anyone here wants to see your personal hygiene products.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Keep yer pants up and nothing should go in the back door. That's an exit not an enter!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. MYTOES: Good to see you again. Or your toes, at least.

    Infomaniac's readers have a hard time keeping their pants up.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I am in pain now. Visual display has made my buttocks hurt.

    ReplyDelete
  25. AWA: Your "ambrosia" buttocks?

    ReplyDelete
  26. You can keep the teeth but can I have me watch and remote control back?

    ReplyDelete
  27. KNUDSEN: Fetch them yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Anyone being treated for pouring concrete in their ass should immediately receive either a Lobotomy to put them out of their misery or they can take advantage of the 'Free' Counselling Services in the Turkish Prison System!

    ReplyDelete
  29. umbrella handles allow hands free bum wiggling and pumping while hands caress bum cheeks or chest. Approaching orgasm in the naughty bits uo front delightfully tightens the sphincter around the ribbed handle. oowee

    ReplyDelete