The Day I Forgot To Blog

Crafty Bitches

Beast compensates with big knitting needles

The response from you crafty bitches to knit up a storm was overwhelming.

Take a look at some of the many handknit items I’ve received since opening The Infomaniac Knitting Blog.

Who's the joker who knitted this for me?...




I’ve received breast pillows from a number of you…




The homosexualists amongst you hopped on the knitting bandwagon with rainbow hotpants…




Here’s IVD with his knitted reservoir tip hat…




But what could be happening off camera? I wonder if IVD’s wearing these for his client’s easy access?...




Which one of you is the big tool?...




Here’s a submission from a blogger who doesn't want to be named but the alabaster skin suggests that it’s IVD again……




This one has Anonymous Boxer’s name all over it…




This macramé willy reeks of hippie crafts. Must have come from Inner Voices in California…




Holy Ina Mae Gaskin! First Nations flipped over the cabbage leaf covering her garden toilet planter and found this…



That explains why she suddenly started lactating this week.


Garfer, surely this isn’t your drinking jumper?...





Okay, who’s responsible for THIS?...




Right. I’m full up to here with your craftiness and I think it’s time we shut down The Infomaniac Knitting Blog and returned to being Infomaniac again.

Therefore, I suggest we send all our knitted goods to the birthday boy in the posting below.

Happy Birthday, Tony!

Tony hails from Hebden Bridge: Lesbian Capital of Britian.

On your special day, Tony, we’re sending you all our knitted goods.

See posting above.

Naughty Knitters

Mistress MJ was pleased to find several items of knitwear when she woke up this morning.

You’d all been busy little beavers, burning the midnight oil, knitting up a storm on behalf of our new blog, The Infomaniac Knitting Blog.




Tomorrow I’ll show you more of the knitted items I found scattered about my household. But today, I’d like to focus on one knitter alone: Beast.

As you know, I had to hypnotize Beast in order to get him to cast on but after that it was clickety-clack-don’t-look-back.

He was caught up in a knitting frenzy!

I awoke to find him sitting on my chair, concentrating on a difficult cable stitch. (I’ve had to disinfect the chair, if you wondered)…






First of all, he knit himself a wee willy warmer as I had the thermostat turned down low overnight and he was feeling the chill…



Note to Beast: You used too much wool.


Then he knit this cute little thong, in hopes that some day his imaginary girlfriend would wear it…





He even went so far as to knit a condom for the day when he and his imaginary girlfriend would have imaginary sex!...





And just before he knit his fingers to a bloody pulp, Beast knit a couple of vaginas; one for himself and one for Matt, who asked, “Can you knit a v-jay for me?”



Come back tomorrow to The Infomaniac Knitting Blog to see what our other crafty bitches got up to!

The Infomaniac Knitting Blog

It seems that most of you big pansies took offence to the content on yesterday’s Cake Farts posting.

In fact, some of you (KAZ) went so far as to run off in search of a "nice knitting blog."

Well, look no further as Infomaniac has turned over a new leaf and shall henceforth be known as The Infomaniac Knitting Blog.

I’m assuming that you're all familiar with the basic knit and purl stitches. If not, I’ll have to whip you into shape…






Are you ready for your first project?

Knit yourself a uterus.


Knitted uterus: suitable for flinging at annoying fellow bloggers



And when you’ve completed that, I want to see all of you with knitted gas masks.


Knitted gas mask: handy for enduring the stench of Beast’s “tawdry little blog”


Let me hear those knitting needles clacking, bitches!

Cake Farts

Earlier this week, Inexplicable DeVice (IVD) put on his frilly pinny and baked a lovely Victoria Sponge Cake.

Or as Frobi said, “It's a Victoria Sponge - named after Queen Victoria - it was her favourite. Still loved by Queens in the 21st Century!”


IVD’s yummy Victoria Sponge Cake


While IVD was sound asleep in his eight-foot long bed, Mistress MJ snuck into the kitchen where the cake was cooling on the counter.

She lifted her frock, exposing her comely knickerless bottom, and deftly sat on the Victoria Sponge Cake.

IVD recoiled in horror when he found out what happened and his guests refused to eat a single slice.

On my behalf, I would like to say it COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.

Say No To Socks With Sandals

I’ve gone on about it here but now that it’s summer, it bears repeating.

JUST SAY NO TO SOCKS WITH SANDALS!

You may think you look like this…





But really you look like this…

Filthy Friday

At the office?

Loosen that tie (or the tie of the guy in the next cubicle) and get ready for the weekend.

It's Friday!

Perv of the Day

Welcome to another edition of Perv of the Day.

Infomaniac will, from time to time, seek out the perviest perverts and parade them pantless in front of you, the judge and jury.



THE PERV: Nicodeme Petion, 41.

THE PLACE: Fort Pierce, Florida.

THE PERVERSION: Petion told police he was “just relaxing in the park” when they found him sitting in his car with his pants undone.

Police patrolling the community park say they saw Petion sitting in the driver’s seat of his car with his pants open and a sock over his genitals. According to a police report, Petion told officers his pants were open because he was hot.

Also, officers found a black and red book bag with 11 condoms, a pamphlet on STD awareness, Latina babes pornographic magazine, two white ankle socks and one black sock with possible seminal secretions.

THE PUNISHMENT: Petion was charged with lewd or lascivious exhibition and cited for driving while his license was suspended. He was being held on a $50,000 bail.





Perhaps Mr. Petion should join Infomaniac’s group for cocks and socks.

Billion Dollar Body Parts

Is your bottom worth big bucks?

A Lancashire grandfather has his buttocks insured for £1 million!

Graham Butterfield is the "bed bouncer" at the Silentnight bed firm in Barnoldswick.

Butterfield's duties involve bouncing on the beds and giving feedback on softness, textures and fillings. His reports help decide which beds go on the market and which beds go back to the drawing board.


"My bottom is not like the normal bottom. I have increased sensitivity around the buttock area ..."I want to make it clear that my bottom's super-powers are quite natural. I have no need of a special care regime."



Body part insurance is nothing new. It all started in the silent movie era when cross-eyed comedian Ben Turpin took out a $20,000 policy against his eyes uncrossing...






Actress Betty Grable was referred to as the "Girl With the Million Dollar Legs" because 20th Century Fox had her legs insured with Lloyd's of London for 1 million dollars each.


Grable’s gorgeous gams




Veteran English comedian Ken Dodd's buckteeth are insured for £4 million…




But Dodd’s are not the only "big bucks" teeth. America Ferrara, who plays the role of Ugly Betty, has insured her trademark smile for £5 million ($10 million).






Keith Richard's hand is worth worth £1 million...


Keef



But you don't have to be a star or a professional "bed bouncer" to insure your body parts. Anyone can order specialty insurance if you’re willing to pay an arm and a leg.

For example, a football fan insured himself against psychic trauma if England lost the World's Cup.

And a publican at the Bricklayers Arms, in Altrincham, Greater Manchester, insured his barmaid's breasts for £100,000 because he believed he would lose trade if anything happened to them.



Money-making mammaries in Manchester



So what about you, Infomaniac-reading bitches?

What body part of yours would you go out on a limb to insure?

Feel free to discuss the worth of your fellow bloggers’ body parts as well, should the mood arise.



Manuel’s arse: priceless

IVD’s Favourite Post

It’s time for another installment of Your Favourite Post.



Today’s submission comes to us from Inexplicable DeVice (IVD) in Norwich, Norfolk, England.

It’s entitled, “On the third stroke, it will be two minutes ago, precisely *beep beep beep*”

To view IVD’s fave post, CLICK HERE.


Note: If you find yourself puzzled by IVD’s posting, keep in mind that he has multiple personalities.



IVD exhibits one of his many colourful personalities

Fly Me To The Moon

Today’s posting was inspired by Belfast’s finest waiter, Manuel, who wrote about noisy neighbours here.

There's no doubt that noise complaints are a major cause of neighbourhood disputes.

Last year, for example, an Australian man was shot dead when he asked his neighbour to turn down his loud music.

I’m sure many of you can identify with the problem of neighbours from hell.

Well now there’s a solution!

For a mere $24 U.S. plus shipping (£12 ), you can receive the deed to an acre of land on the moon.





Dennis Hope of the Lunar Embassy claims to have found a loophole in international law allowing him to claim full sovereignty of the moon.

Hope claims to be selling 1,500 lunar properties a day.

He allocates land by simply closing his eyes and pointing to a map of the Moon.

He’s already made a whopping 9 million dollars from sales (£4.5m).




So what’s in it for you, beloved Infomaniac readers?

Well, since sound doesn't travel on the moon, you'd never hear your noisy neighbours.

But you know what that means...

In space, no one can hear you scream.



Can you hear me, Major Tom?


Buy now.

You'd have to be a lunatic to pass up this opportunity.

More Summer Hols Pics

Here’s another scene from my summer vacation…



Sing along with Nat King Cole…

Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer
Those days of soda and pretzels and beer
Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer
You'll wish that summer could always be here

Kinky Bitch Barbie

Finally, a Barbie I can identify with …


Black Canary Barbie



Ken! Where’s my dinner, dammit?

Filthy Friday

(click to biggify)