Monday, July 28, 2008

The Infomaniac Knitting Blog




It seems that most of you big pansies took offence to the content on yesterday’s Cake Farts posting.

In fact, some of you (KAZ) went so far as to run off in search of a "nice knitting blog."

Well, look no further as Infomaniac has turned over a new leaf and shall henceforth be known as The Infomaniac Knitting Blog.

I’m assuming that you're all familiar with the basic knit and purl stitches. If not, I’ll have to whip you into shape…






Are you ready for your first project?

Knit yourself a uterus.


Knitted uterus: suitable for flinging at annoying fellow bloggers



And when you’ve completed that, I want to see all of you with knitted gas masks.


Knitted gas mask: handy for enduring the stench of Beast’s “tawdry little blog”


Let me hear those knitting needles clacking, bitches!

55 comments:

  1. Knit me a uterus! I love that! Would definitely fling it about.... the one I have causes me no end of grief these days. 'Course, if I had a knitted one, my cat Pips would cart it around the house and fling it about herself.... she doesn't have one anymore.

    Oh, and, YAY FIRST!!

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  2. Do people still knit? Thought this was one craft that has declined and died in time of the Knitting machines. .

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  3. ***Gags***
    It smells of stale cake farts over here.
    ***sprays new improved flap fresh jungle strength formula around and leaves***

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  4. t was Sunday, and the entire congregation was sitting inside its customary church. There were two interesting towns-people who had weird occupations during the Reverend's readings... A man who always fell asleep, and a woman who always knitted. It just so happened that the two ended up sitting next to one another in the front row this particular Sunday, each doing their respective thing (sleeping and knitting). The Reverend starts:
    "Who is the creator of our great universe? Who gave us life to cherish and behold?"
    At this point the lady who was knitting (with a double tipped needle) pokes one side of it (accidentaly) into the sleeping man's side. The man woke up and screamed "GOD!!"
    "THAT'S CORRECT!!" the Reverend intoned. "Who is the son of God who came down to visit the earth, and who did die for our sins?"
    The lady poked the poor guy again and he woke up screaming "JESUS CHRIST!!!"
    "THAT'S CORRECT!!" the Reverend cried. "And what did Eve say to Adam after their last child?" The lady pokes him yet again and the man, finally fed up, yells: "STICK THAT THING INTO ME ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL BREAK IT IN TWO!!"

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  5. An alert highway trooper spotted a woman speeding down the road while knitting behind the steering wheel.
    He sped up along side her and yelled over to the woman ... "Pull over!"
    She turned to him and through her window she yelled back ... "No! It's a scarf."

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  6. Do you have the pattern for the uterus.. I have a friend in hospital having a hysterectomy and I couldn't think of an appropriate gift..

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  7. Knitting things is perverted.

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  8. PONYGIRL: What a great cat toy!

    Fling your uterus at Beast's head for me, would you please?

    CHAZZA: Welcome to Infomaniac!

    I am too lazy to respond to your other comments (well look what time it is here) but I'm glad you've lowered yourself to drop in.

    I recognize you from Istvanski Land.

    BEAST: Get busy with those needles!

    I'm at my knit's end with you.

    TONY: A real Knit Wit, aren't you?

    JOE: Do you also go by the name of Practically Joker?

    KIMBA: See where the word 'uterus' is highlighted just above the pic of the knitted uterus?

    Click there for the pattern.

    MAGO: Farting onto a cake is so much more civilized.

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  9. Can someone make me a homosexual?

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  10. FROBI: I think they unraveled the pattern after they made you.

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  11. coming from the midwest i have learned how to crochet, knit, quilt, yada yada and will say knitting it the most boring of them all...i hated it and only did one scarf which turned out to be used as the snowman scarf for years...it was truly horrid and is a hateful way to spend time...

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  12. The uterus looks suspiciously like a bladder...with an infection...

    As for the knit gas mask, it looks itchy and hot. Why not find an unshaved hippie girl and have her sit on his face? It would have the same effect.

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  13. Wow - You've been cleaning up around here.

    Obviously that bloke knit the gas mask to hide his horrible beard - but it didn't work.
    He's have looked better with a uterus on his chin - or a dick on his head.

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  14. magnificent.......my auntie never did any of those......that I know about

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  15. The knitted gas mask looks great. Shame it wouldn't work as protection against farts.

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  16. Something different:
    http://www.stern.de/sport-motor/sportwelt/:Fotostrecke-Schmutzige-Spiele-Deich/632464.html
    Picture number 7 may be delightful to you: Men, mud and bellies.

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  17. I'd love to take part but all my time is occupied by my train set and pet gerbil Cedric.

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  18. DAISY: Did you also learn how to tat?

    A lost art, that.

    EROS: An unshaved hippie girl sat on your face sounds like just the ticket.

    Maybe you’d get a free bag of pot out of the deal too.

    KAZ: Speaking of dicks and knitting, come back tomorrow.

    MANUEL: Did she knit you a wee waiter’s uniform instead?

    Itchy.

    ISTVANSKI: For fart protection, I’d insert a charcoal filter.

    MAGO: The look like they’re practicing for Filthy Friday.

    GARFY: This woman’s interests include knitting AND gerbils.

    Perhaps she could teach you how to knit a gerbil whilst you share with her your interest in trains.

    It’s win-win for both of you.

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  19. I'm so not girlie. I'm just not smart when it comes to all things feminine. No knitting, cross stitching, crochet or other things of that nature anywhere in my vast knowledge bank.

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  20. Can you knit a v-jay for me?

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  21. CATSCRATCH: Do you want me to knit you a vagina?

    (see request from Matt, below you)

    MATT: Yes, come back tomorrow.

    I can't do it all in a day, you know.

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  22. Knit me with your needle-prick, knit me knit me ...
    Wish I could get that nonsense out of my head.

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  23. I am not going to knit

    You cant make me

    So there

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  24. MAGO: Knit me with your needle-prick?

    You are not helping in any way to clean up the content of this blog, are you?

    BEAST: Oh you'll knit all right.

    I have plans to hypnotize you.

    You'll wake up nude and knitting.

    Just you wait and see.

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  25. oh you weren't kidding!

    Keep me posted on what's happening here mmmm'kay?

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  26. [involuntarily pokes knitting needle in eye when seeing the gas mask thingy]

    Ouch!

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  27. CYBERPOOF: Since your parents are holding you hostage in your own home until Friday, why don't you hand them some knitting needles and keep them out of your hair for awhile?

    XL: I've done some research and discovered that no one has ever died of a knitting-related accident but if you keep this up, you could be the first.

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  28. Great idea!

    My mother knits a lot, or used to. Now she reads a lot instead. I don't know if the two are related.

    I hope not.

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  29. MJ yes i know how to tat, how about that!

    *while distracting MJ with her tatting abilities, takes beast by the hand and leads him off to the hills in kentucky where no one can be found, to keep him safely away from the knitting nightmare*

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  30. CYBERPOOF: She'll knit you some horrid cardigan that you'll be too embarrassed to wear in public.

    DAISY: You can tat?

    Imagine that!

    *distracted by Daisy's tatting titties*

    *fails to notice Beast in a heap on the ground, passed out from Kentucky moonshine*

    *with a knitting needle stuck up his backside*

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  31. I'm working on some nice knitted eye protection for your Filthy Fridays.

    knit, pearl, knit, pearl.

    Oh fuck it, I can buy something made in China for a lot less hassle.

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  32. There's always time for Ian Dury. Cheers. Knit before you gogo ... oh Gott, es hört nicht auf ...

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  33. I was a victim of foul parental knitting.
    This has ripped the scab of that barely healed wound
    ***sobs***

    ***gulps down more moonshine***

    ***holds Daisy's hand and sobs some more****

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  34. Poor Beast - I was the victim of a colleague knitter.

    She knit awful grey cardis to thank me for lifts home in my car. Then she wouldn't speak to me because I never wore them.

    Of course I'll be here tomorrow.
    Where else would I go??

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  35. Everything knitted itches. Imagine the palaver trying to scratch one's uterus - probably have to do it with the knitting needles...

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  36. Ewww, IDV, that sounds rather abortive to me.

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  37. CYBERPOOF: You poor thing.

    BOXER: What are Filthy Fridays?

    This is a clean blog now. A nice blog. A KNITTING BLOG, DAMMIT.

    MAGO: Knit us a blockhead and be quick about it.

    BEAST: Stop your sobbing.

    I cannot work with soggy yarn.

    KAZ: You can always go visit Beast's blog.

    He's cleaned up his blog too!

    He may even offer you a cuppa tea and a Jaffa cake.

    I'd decline, however, if he offers you his custard cream.

    IVD: Can't you get one of your sailor friends to scratch your itch?

    MAGO: I'll let you take this up with the witch himself.

    If he hasn't gone down to the docks to start his shift and have his itch scratched.

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  38. Oh geez. Don't change your format for a few wussies!!! If they can't take it, then kick their arses to the curb!

    Hmmm, that knitted uterus would be a nice Christmas gift though...

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  39. RANDOM: I spend all day every day kicking their collective sorry arses.

    They've driven me to drink.

    I'm going to make them knit their fingers to a bloody pulp.

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  40. You can't always knit what you want.

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  41. Knitting is the cause of crap Christmas presents. The scrunchiness of the unwrapped presents was a sure sigh that they contained a crap jumper, or if you were really lucky, some nice mittens.

    Knitters are cheapskates and should be shot on sight.

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  42. I was working the hole with the sailor and we did not do bad.

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  43. LEAH: Is there some kind of tatting revival going on here?

    Two tatters on one blog!

    MAGO: But if you try sometimes you just might find
    You just might find
    You knit what you need.

    GARFY: With that kind of attitude you'll need a knitted balaclava.

    MAGO: I'm sure!

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  44. Wait, you're right! Daisy can tat too. I missed it. Absolutely unbe-f-ing-lievable. I swear I've only met one other tatter in my life, and she's in her 70s.

    MJ, this is turning into a right scary craftblog.

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  45. There's a tatted ring of bloggers.

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  46. Oh, come on, mj, you're pikin' it...

    http://knittedporn.blogspot.com/


    put down the Darvocet and link like a woman with tits, already. sheesh!!

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  47. I am sorry but I don't know what this is all about.

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  48. LEAH: The Terror of the Tatters.

    Coming to a theatre near you.

    MAGO: The icing on the cake would be if the tatters have tattoos.

    NATIONS: Unlike SOME people, I am at work and cannot click on your filthy link until later.

    I suggest you take your business over to Beast's blog.

    None of us are falling for his new "angelic" persona.

    MUTLEY: It's part of an evil plot of crazed crafters.

    MAGO: That's pin-zah.

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  49. Eroswings: it is not a bladder - it looks like a prego uterus - about 14 weeks along, me thinks.

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  50. MJ - you have your wish - it's over at my blog. Quickly now.. so I can take it down!

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  51. Its ok hun. . .No worries. . I have rellies in Canada and understand the time difference. . x

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  52. PONYGIRL: Thank goodness there's a doctor in the house.

    I don't know nothin' bout tokology.

    KIMBA: LOVELY!

    I think I should publish it here for the benefit of our readers, don't you?

    CHAZZA: Thanks gal.

    Pacific Time here on the west coast.

    *yawns*

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