Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service



The staff of Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service (pictured above) is manning the phone lines, ready to match up prospective clients with you, Infomaniac’s readers.Note that this is a junior staff-in-training member. Our regular staff member (pictured on Monday) ran off with Leah, an Infomaniac reader. It’s hard to keep good help around here.


Today’s client comes to us from Philadelphia, Pennsylvannia in the United States.

In honour of the birthday girl (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAIDY!) today Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service will attempt to auction off Maidy to the highest bidder.


Maidy


Both men and women may bid on Maidy as she’s not fussy. She’s quite the lezzer but she likes the odd bit of cock as well.

Bid whatever you can. Don’t get too carried away. A few Mars Bars or shiny objects and she’s all yours.

Let the bidding begin.

Oh, a word of warning. There’s a good reason why Maidy is nicknamed the American Psycho Bitch from Hell. Buyer Beware. That’s all I’m sayin’.

58 comments:

  1. I have some chocolate icecream in the freezer. Open the bidding war!

    Knuden's probably going to beat me with his chocolate covered prunes.

    ReplyDelete
  2. How nice, MJ. It's my birthday and you decide to auction me off like a half-price Ebay item.

    Cunt.

    ReplyDelete
  3. BTW, I forgot.

    FIRST FIRST FIRST.

    and... happy b-day to Maidy.

    ReplyDelete
  4. BOXER: You see?

    This is why it’s so hard to keep staff.

    Now YOU’RE after my TRAINEE!

    Tell you what.

    I’ll swap you my trainee for your Chihuahua, Paco.

    T-BIRD: I’m sure Knudsen would love to beat you about the face with his prunes.

    MAIDY: I’d raise the bidding but I could do better at Wal-Mart.

    No. Make that the Dollar Store.

    Happy birthday, you old slag.

    Are you going to get a good shag?

    BOXER: No point in wishing her a happy birthday.

    At this time of night she’s face down in her Schlitz.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have a shed full of lesbian friendly power tools if Maidy fancies a bit of 'DIY'
    Happy Birthday Maidy

    ReplyDelete
  6. BEAST: Maidy gets all the torque she needs with this.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Is 5 dollars a lot of money here? after my odd cock she won't be a leezer.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm game - how about a Molson and a Timmy's donut? Would that do it? I'd even cook her some Newfie fish and brewis - with scrunchions even! Gals love scrunchions...

    Happy Birthday Maidy!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I have a crunched up paper bag of boiled sweets somewhere in my stained overcoat pockets. There's a bit of lint and fluff and stuff on them but they should still be edible.

    I know the little girls can't resist sweeties.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hmmm...I have some shiny bits in my back pocket...
    Happy Birthday!
    Robyn

    ReplyDelete
  11. I have some carpet samples a salesperson left at reception.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Happy Birthday, Maidy!

    There's a bit of a whiff around here. I think you staff-in-training has shat himself.

    ReplyDelete
  13. KNUDSEN: After your cock
    She’ll never again walk.

    NWT: She’s yours for a box of Timbits.

    You should have offered the scrunchions to Piggy.

    Piggy’s a gal who loves scrunchions.

    GARFY: Sing along…

    Drying in the cold sun
    Watching as the frilly panties run.

    ROBYN: Is that your bottom you’re referring to?

    KYKNOORD: Welcome to Infomaniac!

    Carpet samples?

    Shag, by any chance?

    IVD: That’s Beast’s nappy you smell.

    T-BIRD: Forgot something on your way out, did you?

    ReplyDelete
  14. happy birthday maidy......I'll have her......just so that I can set her free.......

    ReplyDelete
  15. Happy birthday Maidy.

    Ah, the white slave market ... I'm not bidding, had my share of psycho bitches.

    ReplyDelete
  16. MANUEL: Set her free?

    NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard)!

    MAGO: You’re wise to keep your distance from this one.

    HIGH MAINTENANCE.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Gee whillikers MJ, Maidy is such a swell gal.
    Aunt Bea is gonna give you 'what for' for pickin' on her..
    especially on her birthday.
    Gosh darnit anyway, what did she ever do to you?

    Golly!

    ReplyDelete
  18. MAGO: I sleep a little.

    DONNNNN: Sha-zay-um!

    I may be a low down skunk, Goober, but she’s a low down skank.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'll bid assorted dirty underpants for Maidy to do the washing up.

    ReplyDelete
  20. ISTVANSKI: The dirty bitch is sniffing your knickers as we speak.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'll trade to cups for the glasses.
    Wait! On second thought ... what's in her two cups?

    Happy B-day!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'll give you a cheesesteak "wit" and a pack of Tastykakes (the Tandykakes, with peanut butter). We're talking 'bout a Philly gal, here.

    Happy birthday Maidy!

    ReplyDelete
  23. JOE: Maidy's cups are more like shot glasses.

    PEEVISH: I have no idea what you're talking about but it sounds revolting.

    Our poutine would be an improvement, I'm sure.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Physcho bith eh? Why do I love them so?

    ReplyDelete
  25. Happy birthday Maidy!

    Does she do windows and laundry?

    Then I might consider bidding say a tenner.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I've been thinking, Paco is house trained,

    so.... you can't have Paco, but I have a nasty little biter named Mickey that I might be willing to trade.

    ReplyDelete
  27. What the fuck are scrunchions?

    Actually, I've just Googled it. I now understand.

    Scratch that.

    Oh the wit!

    ReplyDelete
  28. RICH: Go on then and bid if you love the psycho bitches so much.

    It's YOUR funeral.

    Can you match Knudsen's offer?

    CYBERPOOF: Oooo, a tenner!

    You'll have nothing left for shoes.

    BOXER: I'm not picky.
    I'll take Mickey.

    I'm a rhymin' fool today!

    PIGGY: Did you have a point to make?

    You seem a little out of sorts today.

    I couldn't help but notice your inability to create a link over at IVD's.

    How unlike you.

    Is it that time of the month?

    ReplyDelete
  29. I know!

    And I really wanted those silver snakeskin stilettos with the diamanté trim

    ReplyDelete
  30. two!
    TWO QUATLOOS!

    and a thing off the sidewalk. I think it fell off a car.

    and this odd cock *dangles dry-cured salami enticingly*

    ReplyDelete
  31. Is that the "Lone Star"? I'll have the Mickey Finnn please ...

    ReplyDelete
  32. CYBERPOOF: Those silver snakeskin stilettos with the diamanté trim should be on MY delicate tootsies.

    Not on your big clodhoppers!

    NATIONS: That's no dry-cured salami.

    That's Beast's broken down old ween.

    Put it down this instant.

    MAGO: We're not that kind of establishment!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Oh the bids I see - it gets me right here *points to the wastecan*

    And I'm NOT a psycho bitch, you backwoods miserable excuse for a troll!

    Being 40 sucks. Tell me what it's like being 87, MJ, so I know what to expect.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Is she still up for bid? I've got a use for a Psycho Bitch...my neighbor has been bothering me lately. I'm thinking of turning Maidy loose on her.

    ReplyDelete
  35. MAIDY: Oh hello slut.

    I was having so much fun here with our readers that I forgot all about you.

    Correction. I'm 97.

    RANDOM: I thought you were away on a cruise.

    Yes, she's still up for grabs.

    Take her! Quickly! She's in the room!

    ReplyDelete
  36. Maidy - since she's been 89, she can't quite remember 87.

    MJ - Me out of sorts? Not at all. I've been busy with CuntBook.

    *giggles*

    ReplyDelete
  37. 40 and still fabulous Maidy! Only you and Kylie can boast of that feat!

    And my feet are lovely. I don't have to shop in the junior miss section like you though. Thank heavens.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I'm back from my cruise and ready to go psycho on my neighbor...I have $2 in my wallet!!!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Gee, i'm glad I'm not your friend. LOL
    Poor Maidy.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Its wrong to try to sell PEOPLES!! This time you have gone too far...

    ReplyDelete
  41. Random Chick: We could pool our money and then she could come do my laundry and then go do you?

    ReplyDelete
  42. CYBERPOOF: I only buy my runners in the junior miss section as there’s no sales tax on them.

    The sluttish shoes aren’t to be found in that department. Yet. Thankfully.

    RANDOM: As our money is finally at par, I’m not sure that’s such a good deal.

    Did you have wild sexual encounters on board the cruise?

    UBERMOUTH: You have no idea what I’ve had to put up with over the years where Maidy’s involved.

    She should be paying me hard cash up front for my continued friendship.

    MUTLEY: I’m putting Beast’s dried-up weenie on auction next time!

    CYBERPOOF: Go “DO” you?

    Did you just suggest that Maidy “go do” Random Chick?

    Maidy would probably do Random for free.

    The slut.

    ReplyDelete
  43. PIGGY: Ooops. Forgot you.

    Or tried to anyway.

    I don't use CuntBook or FaceBook or any of the Books.

    ReplyDelete
  44. I ain't paying some old lady to do me. I can get that anytime for Free just by going to Walmart...hey, CyberPete how much money do you have?

    ReplyDelete
  45. SOME OLD LADY?????????????? FFS I am not THAT old! Unless you mean MJ.

    As for you MJ, you're lucky I still talk to you. Erhm, I'm not sure why but I'll figure a good reason, dammit.

    I do do windows and I go psycho on neighbors for a case of Lionshead beer plus pizza.

    huh huh huh

    I said "do do"

    ReplyDelete
  46. Happy Birthday, Maidy!

    As for that new secretary, I had a hard time understanding him. Perhaps it's time to outsource or contact the temp agency for another replacement!

    ReplyDelete
  47. happy birthday, maidy...hell, sugar, get drunk, get laid and get happy..or happier if you've already done all that...do it all again - it's your birthday!!! :D xoxox

    ReplyDelete
  48. I have a dead goat and two theiving children.

    Happy birthday Maidy you old slapper.

    ReplyDelete
  49. MJ, words can never express the gratitude I feel for the match you've made for me. From the first moment I beheld Leslie manning those phone lines, with such dignity, such grace, and such a knowing swagger, I was sure we were destined to be together. I still don't know whether Leslie is a boy or a girl, but with the connection we have, I'll love my darling he-she no matter what.

    I can only hope that your other clients will open themselves up to the possibility of finding true love at Fag, Hag, and the Odd Slag...you've made me a believer...

    Signed,

    A Satisfied Customer

    ReplyDelete
  50. RANDOM: CyberPoopyPants is tucked into his little bed in Denmark now...dreaming of being taken roughly by Vikings.

    As for Maidy, I see she’s gone over to your blog and contaminated it.

    Better you than me.

    MAIDY: Maidy, Maidy
    She’s an old lady.
    Ha!!!!!!!!!!

    A case of Lionshead beer plus pizza?

    She’s going cheap, folks!

    EROS: A new supervisor?

    You get the job if you take off your shirt and keep it off.

    Then IVD and CyberPoof will want jobs too just to sit and stare at you.

    I’ll have a full stable!

    SAVANNAH: “get drunk, get laid”

    Story of her life.

    PISSOFF: Old slapper…isn’t she just? Har.

    LEAH: My first testimonial!

    I’m using that on our flyer.

    ReplyDelete
  51. MAIDY: p.s. Despite everything, you're still quite shaggable.

    ReplyDelete
  52. MJ: I'll pay $20.00 for you to take her away.

    ReplyDelete
  53. GEO: You rotten bastard!

    *laughs and laughs and laughs*

    ReplyDelete
  54. Yah, I'll be a cucumber and a Snicker's. Not too inclined to deal with some crazy bitch with psychotic tendencies.

    I got enough problems as it is and tappin something that may require effort to get rid of is just unacceptable.

    NEXT!

    ReplyDelete
  55. CATSCRATCH: Don't even offer the wrapper from the Snickers bar.

    Consider yourself lucky to have escaped her clutches.

    ReplyDelete