Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service

The staff of Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service (pictured above) is manning the phone lines, ready to match up prospective clients with you, Infomaniac’s readers.Note that this is a junior staff-in-training member. Our regular staff member (pictured on Monday) ran off with Leah, an Infomaniac reader. It’s hard to keep good help around here.

Today’s client comes to us from Philadelphia, Pennsylvannia in the United States.

In honour of the birthday girl (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAIDY!) today Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service will attempt to auction off Maidy to the highest bidder.


Both men and women may bid on Maidy as she’s not fussy. She’s quite the lezzer but she likes the odd bit of cock as well.

Bid whatever you can. Don’t get too carried away. A few Mars Bars or shiny objects and she’s all yours.

Let the bidding begin.

Oh, a word of warning. There’s a good reason why Maidy is nicknamed the American Psycho Bitch from Hell. Buyer Beware. That’s all I’m sayin’.


  1. I have some chocolate icecream in the freezer. Open the bidding war!

    Knuden's probably going to beat me with his chocolate covered prunes.

  2. How nice, MJ. It's my birthday and you decide to auction me off like a half-price Ebay item.


  3. BTW, I forgot.


    and... happy b-day to Maidy.

  4. BOXER: You see?

    This is why it’s so hard to keep staff.

    Now YOU’RE after my TRAINEE!

    Tell you what.

    I’ll swap you my trainee for your Chihuahua, Paco.

    T-BIRD: I’m sure Knudsen would love to beat you about the face with his prunes.

    MAIDY: I’d raise the bidding but I could do better at Wal-Mart.

    No. Make that the Dollar Store.

    Happy birthday, you old slag.

    Are you going to get a good shag?

    BOXER: No point in wishing her a happy birthday.

    At this time of night she’s face down in her Schlitz.

  5. I have a shed full of lesbian friendly power tools if Maidy fancies a bit of 'DIY'
    Happy Birthday Maidy

  6. BEAST: Maidy gets all the torque she needs with this.

  7. Is 5 dollars a lot of money here? after my odd cock she won't be a leezer.

  8. I'm game - how about a Molson and a Timmy's donut? Would that do it? I'd even cook her some Newfie fish and brewis - with scrunchions even! Gals love scrunchions...

    Happy Birthday Maidy!!

  9. I have a crunched up paper bag of boiled sweets somewhere in my stained overcoat pockets. There's a bit of lint and fluff and stuff on them but they should still be edible.

    I know the little girls can't resist sweeties.

  10. Hmmm...I have some shiny bits in my back pocket...
    Happy Birthday!

  11. I have some carpet samples a salesperson left at reception.

  12. Happy Birthday, Maidy!

    There's a bit of a whiff around here. I think you staff-in-training has shat himself.

  13. KNUDSEN: After your cock
    She’ll never again walk.

    NWT: She’s yours for a box of Timbits.

    You should have offered the scrunchions to Piggy.

    Piggy’s a gal who loves scrunchions.

    GARFY: Sing along…

    Drying in the cold sun
    Watching as the frilly panties run.

    ROBYN: Is that your bottom you’re referring to?

    KYKNOORD: Welcome to Infomaniac!

    Carpet samples?

    Shag, by any chance?

    IVD: That’s Beast’s nappy you smell.

    T-BIRD: Forgot something on your way out, did you?

  14. happy birthday maidy......I'll have her......just so that I can set her free.......

  15. Happy birthday Maidy.

    Ah, the white slave market ... I'm not bidding, had my share of psycho bitches.

  16. MANUEL: Set her free?

    NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard)!

    MAGO: You’re wise to keep your distance from this one.


  17. You never sleep, hm?

  18. Gee whillikers MJ, Maidy is such a swell gal.
    Aunt Bea is gonna give you 'what for' for pickin' on her..
    especially on her birthday.
    Gosh darnit anyway, what did she ever do to you?


  19. MAGO: I sleep a little.

    DONNNNN: Sha-zay-um!

    I may be a low down skunk, Goober, but she’s a low down skank.

  20. I'll bid assorted dirty underpants for Maidy to do the washing up.

  21. ISTVANSKI: The dirty bitch is sniffing your knickers as we speak.

  22. I'll trade to cups for the glasses.
    Wait! On second thought ... what's in her two cups?

    Happy B-day!

  23. I'll give you a cheesesteak "wit" and a pack of Tastykakes (the Tandykakes, with peanut butter). We're talking 'bout a Philly gal, here.

    Happy birthday Maidy!

  24. JOE: Maidy's cups are more like shot glasses.

    PEEVISH: I have no idea what you're talking about but it sounds revolting.

    Our poutine would be an improvement, I'm sure.

  25. Physcho bith eh? Why do I love them so?

  26. Happy birthday Maidy!

    Does she do windows and laundry?

    Then I might consider bidding say a tenner.

  27. I've been thinking, Paco is house trained,

    so.... you can't have Paco, but I have a nasty little biter named Mickey that I might be willing to trade.

  28. What the fuck are scrunchions?

    Actually, I've just Googled it. I now understand.

    Scratch that.

    Oh the wit!

  29. RICH: Go on then and bid if you love the psycho bitches so much.

    It's YOUR funeral.

    Can you match Knudsen's offer?

    CYBERPOOF: Oooo, a tenner!

    You'll have nothing left for shoes.

    BOXER: I'm not picky.
    I'll take Mickey.

    I'm a rhymin' fool today!

    PIGGY: Did you have a point to make?

    You seem a little out of sorts today.

    I couldn't help but notice your inability to create a link over at IVD's.

    How unlike you.

    Is it that time of the month?

  30. I know!

    And I really wanted those silver snakeskin stilettos with the diamanté trim

  31. two!

    and a thing off the sidewalk. I think it fell off a car.

    and this odd cock *dangles dry-cured salami enticingly*

  32. Is that the "Lone Star"? I'll have the Mickey Finnn please ...

  33. CYBERPOOF: Those silver snakeskin stilettos with the diamanté trim should be on MY delicate tootsies.

    Not on your big clodhoppers!

    NATIONS: That's no dry-cured salami.

    That's Beast's broken down old ween.

    Put it down this instant.

    MAGO: We're not that kind of establishment!

  34. Oh the bids I see - it gets me right here *points to the wastecan*

    And I'm NOT a psycho bitch, you backwoods miserable excuse for a troll!

    Being 40 sucks. Tell me what it's like being 87, MJ, so I know what to expect.

  35. Is she still up for bid? I've got a use for a Psycho neighbor has been bothering me lately. I'm thinking of turning Maidy loose on her.

  36. MAIDY: Oh hello slut.

    I was having so much fun here with our readers that I forgot all about you.

    Correction. I'm 97.

    RANDOM: I thought you were away on a cruise.

    Yes, she's still up for grabs.

    Take her! Quickly! She's in the room!

  37. Maidy - since she's been 89, she can't quite remember 87.

    MJ - Me out of sorts? Not at all. I've been busy with CuntBook.


  38. 40 and still fabulous Maidy! Only you and Kylie can boast of that feat!

    And my feet are lovely. I don't have to shop in the junior miss section like you though. Thank heavens.

  39. I'm back from my cruise and ready to go psycho on my neighbor...I have $2 in my wallet!!!

  40. Gee, i'm glad I'm not your friend. LOL
    Poor Maidy.

  41. Its wrong to try to sell PEOPLES!! This time you have gone too far...

  42. Random Chick: We could pool our money and then she could come do my laundry and then go do you?

  43. CYBERPOOF: I only buy my runners in the junior miss section as there’s no sales tax on them.

    The sluttish shoes aren’t to be found in that department. Yet. Thankfully.

    RANDOM: As our money is finally at par, I’m not sure that’s such a good deal.

    Did you have wild sexual encounters on board the cruise?

    UBERMOUTH: You have no idea what I’ve had to put up with over the years where Maidy’s involved.

    She should be paying me hard cash up front for my continued friendship.

    MUTLEY: I’m putting Beast’s dried-up weenie on auction next time!

    CYBERPOOF: Go “DO” you?

    Did you just suggest that Maidy “go do” Random Chick?

    Maidy would probably do Random for free.

    The slut.

  44. PIGGY: Ooops. Forgot you.

    Or tried to anyway.

    I don't use CuntBook or FaceBook or any of the Books.

  45. I ain't paying some old lady to do me. I can get that anytime for Free just by going to Walmart...hey, CyberPete how much money do you have?

  46. SOME OLD LADY?????????????? FFS I am not THAT old! Unless you mean MJ.

    As for you MJ, you're lucky I still talk to you. Erhm, I'm not sure why but I'll figure a good reason, dammit.

    I do do windows and I go psycho on neighbors for a case of Lionshead beer plus pizza.

    huh huh huh

    I said "do do"

  47. Happy Birthday, Maidy!

    As for that new secretary, I had a hard time understanding him. Perhaps it's time to outsource or contact the temp agency for another replacement!

  48. happy birthday, maidy...hell, sugar, get drunk, get laid and get happy..or happier if you've already done all it all again - it's your birthday!!! :D xoxox

  49. I have a dead goat and two theiving children.

    Happy birthday Maidy you old slapper.

  50. MJ, words can never express the gratitude I feel for the match you've made for me. From the first moment I beheld Leslie manning those phone lines, with such dignity, such grace, and such a knowing swagger, I was sure we were destined to be together. I still don't know whether Leslie is a boy or a girl, but with the connection we have, I'll love my darling he-she no matter what.

    I can only hope that your other clients will open themselves up to the possibility of finding true love at Fag, Hag, and the Odd've made me a believer...


    A Satisfied Customer

  51. RANDOM: CyberPoopyPants is tucked into his little bed in Denmark now...dreaming of being taken roughly by Vikings.

    As for Maidy, I see she’s gone over to your blog and contaminated it.

    Better you than me.

    MAIDY: Maidy, Maidy
    She’s an old lady.

    A case of Lionshead beer plus pizza?

    She’s going cheap, folks!

    EROS: A new supervisor?

    You get the job if you take off your shirt and keep it off.

    Then IVD and CyberPoof will want jobs too just to sit and stare at you.

    I’ll have a full stable!

    SAVANNAH: “get drunk, get laid”

    Story of her life.

    PISSOFF: Old slapper…isn’t she just? Har.

    LEAH: My first testimonial!

    I’m using that on our flyer.

  52. MAIDY: p.s. Despite everything, you're still quite shaggable.

  53. MJ: I'll pay $20.00 for you to take her away.

  54. GEO: You rotten bastard!

    *laughs and laughs and laughs*

  55. Yah, I'll be a cucumber and a Snicker's. Not too inclined to deal with some crazy bitch with psychotic tendencies.

    I got enough problems as it is and tappin something that may require effort to get rid of is just unacceptable.


  56. CATSCRATCH: Don't even offer the wrapper from the Snickers bar.

    Consider yourself lucky to have escaped her clutches.