Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Naughty Knitters

Mistress MJ was pleased to find several items of knitwear when she woke up this morning.

You’d all been busy little beavers, burning the midnight oil, knitting up a storm on behalf of our new blog, The Infomaniac Knitting Blog.

Tomorrow I’ll show you more of the knitted items I found scattered about my household. But today, I’d like to focus on one knitter alone: Beast.

As you know, I had to hypnotize Beast in order to get him to cast on but after that it was clickety-clack-don’t-look-back.

He was caught up in a knitting frenzy!

I awoke to find him sitting on my chair, concentrating on a difficult cable stitch. (I’ve had to disinfect the chair, if you wondered)…

First of all, he knit himself a wee willy warmer as I had the thermostat turned down low overnight and he was feeling the chill…

Note to Beast: You used too much wool.

Then he knit this cute little thong, in hopes that some day his imaginary girlfriend would wear it…

He even went so far as to knit a condom for the day when he and his imaginary girlfriend would have imaginary sex!...

And just before he knit his fingers to a bloody pulp, Beast knit a couple of vaginas; one for himself and one for Matt, who asked, “Can you knit a v-jay for me?”

Come back tomorrow to The Infomaniac Knitting Blog to see what our other crafty bitches got up to!


  1. That young lady is going to get splinters if she's not careful.

  2. Only you could make knitting dirty.

    God Bless you.

    Who's this "XL" grabbing FIRSTY tonight?


  3. dang, xl stole that firsty spot just short of an hour in front of boxer... got to be quick round here...

    *wanders off wondering why nations was scolding him for being so quick last week*

    oh and nice knitted v-jay.... looks like it'll need some work though... unless its been stiched back up to look, um.... unused....

  4. WOWSERS! we were all almost an hour apart....

    just trying to grab that coveted fourth spot as well...

  5. At least this time I dont have various bits of fruit petruding from my orifi.
    I should be grateful I suppose.

  6. There seems to be only one testicle pocket on the willy warmer. Was this done to avoid overheating? To prevent any sweating issues?

  7. Seeing that knitted gas mask got me thinking ... you should consider knitting a cake cover to protect your cakes from further abuse.

  8. Careful Beast. You might get Knitters Knuckle from all that clacking. Perhaps you should knit yourself a nice muff to keep your hands warm in after all their exercise?

  9. I was planning on mooning everyone.. if I had been FIRST.

  10. Hope Beast keeps his needles clean. Dirty needles can cause awful infections, you know.

  11. XL: The correct response when you arrive first on this blog is "Yay! I'm first!"

    Then you may comment further.

    The poor girl and her splinters?

    What about Beast?

    Do you care not for his sensitive bottom?

    BOXER: XL is a young upstart but he hasn't got the hang of the "Yay! I'm first" thing yet.

    As I recall, you caught on faster.

    VOICES: I too am wondering why you were scolded for being too quick.

    Have you been having problems in that department where you’re too fast on the trigger?

    Spammers will be happy to send you some drugs for that.

    BEAST: Perhaps someone can knit you a fruit basket.

  12. EROS: The Beast doesn’t have any balls.

    He uses the testicle pocket as a change purse.

    JOE: Good idea as there’s no excuse for cake abuse.

    If a cake cover doesn’t work I might have to call in one of the bad guys from The French Confection.

    IVD: Have you noticed the calluses on Beast’s hands?

    BOXER: I’m debating as to whether or not, technically, you were first.

    After all, XL didn’t say, “Yay! I’m first!” which is a prerequisite before he comments further.

    But I’ll cut him some slack this time.

    I’m sure it won’t happen again.

    Now show us your bottom.

    MAGO: Canada has a needle exchange programme.

    Can the same be said of Bournemouth?

  13. That black condom and the blue vagina are just dying to get together.
    I'll come back later and see if they made it.

  14. I don't think I can handle the responsibilities of the "Yay! I'm first!" position. Later in the queue for me!

  15. Eh? Last time I burnt my mouth is some weeks ago with hot chocolate pudding - you can not allow it to become cold.

  16. KAZ: Black and blue?

    You like it rough, Kaz?

    XL: You can do it!

    Stay on top of Boxer and Voices!

    MAGO: Pudding Farts

    From the same people who brought you Cake Farts.

    No, don’t watch it!

  17. NO WAY to make me click THAT link!

    Wonder what slurry like food is left to be farted on. Also wonder whether ever a fart-artist exploded, or at least burnt himself ... but the art of "Kunstfurzen" is dead now, Heller (an Austrian impresario) brought the last on stage years ago.

    'scusi, need a shower now.

  18. This Blog needs some Oompa Loompa penis.

  19. if someone has instructions for an Old Knudsen + Cap set, then i would gladly take up the two needle game.

    (ps. yes, Bournemouth had needle exchanges back when i was (first) in pop socks and a mini skirt)

  20. MAGO: Thankfully, Mr. Methane is keeping fart artistry alive.

    HEF: This is not a midget porn blog.

    What do you take me for?

    CARNALIS: Capital idea but there is not enough wool to knit the genitalia of an Old Knudsen + cap set.

  21. What about nipple warmers? Who's working on that?

  22. RANDOM: You’re missing the point.

    The nipples must remain cold for the viewing pleasure of others.

  23. But it's COLD in here!! Okay, okay. Geez, what I have to do to please you people!

    BTW, if I drink too much and throw up on your blog, I think we're even. ;-)

  24. RANDOM: Perhaps one of the nice young men who read Infomaniac will offer to warm you up.

    You know how I feel about vomit on my blog but I suppose if you hold my hair on yours...

  25. A nice warm pudding fart will soon warm Randoms nips up.
    ****drops pants and gets fruit fool ready****
    I have to say Miss MJ that link is even more ridiculous than the cake farts , well messier anyway

  26. So there is a stiff-nippled drunk random chick around? Yay ...

  27. BEAST: You're cooking a pudding as we speak in order to try this, aren't you?

    May I suggest a meal of Ma Beastie's chickpea curry to make things interesting?

    MAGO: She's had a few drinks so she's good to go.

  28. Beast, don't even eat that chickpea curry crap!

    Mago, yes, I've had a few stiff drinks to go with my stiff nips!

    MJ, Be there or beware

  29. RANDOM: I'm at work so can't visit the caf til tonight.

    Beast's mummy made the chickpea curry so he has to eat it.

    Fellow blogger Mutley the Dog is serving a particularly vile mackeral curry if you're interested.

    His link is on my Blogroll.

  30. I like a nice curry when wearing my hand knitted tank top.

    It's a bit stained with curry, but then so is my drinking jumper and that hasn't stopped me wearing it.

  31. I knit my own foods... tasty! By the way Beast has been put in an asylum .... I blame you!

  32. MUTLEY: I think you are "stringing" me on with this "yarn".

    Does the asylum serve salt beef?

  33. I think it's cute that the Garfer has a drinking jumper.
    I have a special collection of sensible knickers that I select from when I intend to 'tie one on' (Texas-speak for get plastered) but, I regret, they're not hand-knitted.
    And before you say anything - sensible knickers are for preventing embarrassment if I slide off a bar stool when wearing a frock.

  34. And now could someone please knit a permanent memory eraser for that cake farts video?

    I still feel sick.

  35. Have a pudding ... that's like in the olde days when they invented H to cure addiction to C: devil and Beelzebub.
    Need a shower.

  36. I THOUGHT THOSE WERE TESTICLE WARMERS!!! one is always hanging a little lower...

  37. 38th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Inner voices is right - I thought the same thing - figured someone had lost something.

  38. ARABELLA: Garfy has a pair of lucking pulling knickers.

    T-BIRD: Clicking on pudding farts will temporarily take your mind off cake farts.

    MAGO: There's nothing like a nice Syllabub for pudding.

    ooops... you said Beelzebub.

    VOICES & BOXER: It's a little too big for Beast's chilly willy.

    His tackle will get lost in there!

  39. damn, sugar! this was funny and almost tame...for you ;-)


  40. SAVANNAH: My efforts to bring respectability to this blog have fallen on deaf ears.

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