So it is with great solemnity that I am attempting to blog in my Armor of God PJs, designed to make you feel safe and secure in the dark…
Unfortunately, the jim-jams aren’t available in adult sizes so I look quite the fool.
Forgive my appearance.
Perhaps I should step out of these jammies, slip back into my peignoir and colour instead…
But this leads me to a question: What do you do to make yourself feel safe and secure in the dark?
The dark corridor itself is not disturbing, but the dark (or white) spot at the end.
ReplyDeleteI allow myself to be a hero then: Stop thinking. Just for a minute ... yay.
My pyjamas don't have a colouring book! Now they feel sad.
ReplyDeleteI tuck myself in, let myself drift off, and always know where my shoes are in case I need to bolt in the middle of the night.
Ok...for CHRIST'S SAKE?! WTF??? First a mammoth of a pussy shot...which by the way brought a little bit of vomit in my mouth...Baawwaaaahhhh!
ReplyDeleteNow you are commericalizing JESUS....F**king brilliant!
LMAOBBBAAAAWWWWAAAHHHHHMMMuuuuaaahhhh!
I reach down under the duvet and stroke the 'log of life', it always reassures me with its length and size. Sometimes I polish it and collect the man milk for my beloved who then lays upon the holy damp spot and it makes her feel warm and secure too.
ReplyDeleteGenerally however, I tend to caress the broken vodka bottle I keep under my pillow in case a naughty pixie creeps through my window at night. That tends to keep the little fuckers away, nae bother at all.
I'm always safe and secure in the dark.
ReplyDeleteI can't speak for those in my vicinity, though...
I have nightmares of people in those armor of god PJs coming at night to kill me.
ReplyDeleteAll they need is that big pointy hat and they'd be KKK. This completely freaks me out.
I couldn't feel safe if I knew there were people running around here in those things. But I suppose my quiet, soothing and delightful breathing when I sleep keeps the scary monstars (they were friggin scary but I'm so happy Michael Jordan and Tweety Bird saved us all) away.
I take several vodkas, 4 Kalms and 2 Nytol.
ReplyDeleteI sleep with the sword of Damoclese.
ReplyDeleteOh, and pills for me nerves.
i usually just sleep in a soft tee shirt...but to keep me safe i have to have the closet door shut...there are monsters in there! no really...seriously...i STILL have to have the closet door shut...
ReplyDeleteI sleep nekkid :-)
ReplyDeleteI have a Polish bodyguard with me at all times - well that or an old dog - well actually mostly an old dog.
ReplyDeleteMAGO: White spot or wet spot?
ReplyDeleteDINAH: I thought I was the only one with a “bolting” plan.
ROBYN: Luckily for you, I keep a box of Poise on hand for those who have LMAO syndrome.
BOLLIX: Your wife is a lucky lady.
On this blog we’re not bothered by pixies.
Instead we’re plagued with people in Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts.
IVD: No one is safe from your demonic digits.
I can’t imagine what you get up to at night with those freakish fingers of yours.
CYBERPOOF: Pointy hats?
ReplyDeleteSounds more like the Coven Members than the Klan.
Broom could fly through your window at any time!
KAZ: Your body is a 24-hour pharmacy.
Do you make deliveries?
GEOFF: I don’t know how you sleep at all with that sword hanging over you.
You may want to ring Kaz.
DAISY: That won’t do you any good.
There’s always someone around here coming out of the closet.
BEAST: You sleep nekkid?
No one will be able to sleep now imagining THAT!
We all know the truth is that you sleep with a night light!!
FROBI: I’d ask you more details about the Polish bodyguard but perhaps we should let sleeping dogs lie.
If I may, I would like to quote Ringo's response to "What do you see when you turn out the light?"
ReplyDelete"I can't tell you, but I know it's mine"
I usually like it very dark. The darker the better. It just means the holy spirit and the baby Jesus can't see me touch myself!!!
ReplyDeletethere is a lot of self grappling in the dark going on over here and is that Kaz snorting a line of Beachams powders ????
ReplyDeleteXL: Well now we know what you do when your “love is away”.
ReplyDeleteMAXI CANE: The Holy See sees all.
There aren’t enough Our Fathers and Hail Marys to absolve your sins.
BEAST: Self grappling?
Are you trying to say this blog attracts a lot of wankers?
was that threat or a promise?
ReplyDeleteThese pajamas are truly and deeply pervers und abartig, spießig und bigott.
ReplyDeleteCYBERPOOF: You’ll have to take that up with The Coven.
ReplyDeleteMAGO: And wearing your Trachten suit to bed ISN’T perverse?
Well, now in my old neighborhood everyone had a gun stashed in the bedroom, but it's so hard to get that gun oil smell from the pillowcases.
ReplyDeleteLike IDV, I don't have a problem falling asleep or feeling safe and secure in the dark...
Woot! Bolix is here!
ReplyDeleteI sleept with small dogs pinned to my hips- I'm safer than the President.
Hmmmm
ReplyDeleteOh well, I'll just have to keep my window open just in case.
purely for insurance reasons you understand.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if I can get the UK franchsie for these things?
ReplyDeleteI can't figure out if they'd make pedo priests more or less horny.
EROS: I’m fairly certain Broom will be flying through your window.
ReplyDeleteBOXER: Your dogs look like trouble.
Yes, Bollix and I have met and we’re holding you responsible.
CYBERPOOF: Do they offer insurance for arse splinters?
CRUMP: Welcome to Infomaniac!
Now get a blog so we can come over and harass you.
AB, Not only have MJ and I met, but we have also consummated our relationship over 3 bottles of vodka and a KFC bargain bucket. It was fun, but those stains will never come out of your pack-a-mack.
ReplyDeleteI AM WHAT PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF IN THE DARK...
ReplyDeleteso i dont really have to do much, i read the satanic bible and beat the hounds from hell at the foot of the bed to keep them thirsting for blood.
.....or drink beer till i pass out.
BOLLIX: Shut your haggishole.
ReplyDeleteI don’t put out without a bottle of Irish whiskey being produced at some point.
VOICES: I‘m afraid you’ll drink too much beer and think it’s a good idea to ride your backhoe to Canada.
*locks front door*
*Laughs as he pats mjs back door key in his pocket*
ReplyDeletebeast...i didn't say that i wear anything under the tee did i? and there has to be some kind of play doesn't there?
ReplyDeleteinner voices...*pops a can of beer*
now stay the hell OUT OF MY CLOSET!!!
whooops... that could be read in a....uhhh.... different sort of manner now couldnt it?!?!
ReplyDeletedaisy!!! its far to early to be hanging around in yer closet... i dont get onto closet duty till bed time!!! *pops beer and cheerses daisy*
ReplyDeleteinner voices...intention or not you do make me laugh...but seriously STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY CLOSET...too many monsters in there as is...and i am terrified of closets...i know i'm strange...
ReplyDeleteVOICES: So it's true that your a back door man?
ReplyDeleteDAISY: Would you mind keeping Voices entertained?
I have to go out for awhile.
.... and daisy, WTF!?!? locking us peons out of yer blahg eh?
ReplyDelete*trys mjs back door key to get into secret daisy blog, fails and sets trap to catch daisy going in or out of her blog*
heh heh heh..
*hides behind corner waiting to spring trap*
Dios mio.
ReplyDeleteSomebody please take over the comments and keep Voices out of trouble while I'm out.
*looks around daisys closet, moves piles of boxes full of bones over to make room for his buddies the boogie man, the candy man, elvis and snufalupagus*
ReplyDeleteallright boys when she comes in we all let out a big fart!!!
*waits for mj to leave before inviting friends over*
ReplyDeletei'll try mj...
ReplyDeleteinner voices...if i had your email addy you would be on the list darling....had to do it due to problems with some cunts at work...
and the boogie man thing was UNCALLED FOR!
ahhhh.... sneaky work cunts eh? i see.... now... email to get on the list eh? for sure not to be posted on this blog.... i'll give it to the boogie man and have him bring it over to you this evening.....
ReplyDelete*hands boggie required information and gives expicit directions on how to handle the situation*
is mj gone yet, or is she hiding in her own closet?
i think she is gone now...
ReplyDeletebtw...she has my email addy if you want to send it through her...yeah i'm a bit shy about that stuff as well...lol...go figure
My jim jams are none of your business.
ReplyDeletemjs gone!!! mjs gone!!!
ReplyDelete*rubs hands together and plans a home coming*
back that truck up over here!!!
*unloads truck filled with sheep from nation back yard and puts them all into mjs closets*
painting crew goes that way!!
*paints giant mural of american flag on front of mjs house*
looking good!
I've never been in that situation but I'm sure Lloyds of London will offer any insurance you can think of.
ReplyDeleteAfterall they are insuring Dolly Partons boobs, you'll have to ask Dolly if they are insured when it comes to splinters though.
dammit i leave for just a bit and look at the mess you have gotten into inner voices...mj is going to be so pissed at me...
ReplyDelete*chuckles to herself imagining the paint job*
read infomaniac.....cos when i read this i know you are on the other side of the world and far far away from my sugarloaf......
ReplyDeleteread infomaniac.....cos when i read this i know you are on the other side of the world and far far away from my sugarloaf......
ReplyDeleteGARFY: That’s quite all right.
ReplyDeleteI’m picturing you naked.
With a pipe and slippers.
Your knitted cardigan tossed casually over your shoulder.
I’ll stop now.
VOICES & DAISY: This is not my beautiful house!
This is not my beautiful life!
My gawd! What have you done?!
CYBERPOOF: Did you see that Dolly’s latest tour is called the “Backwoods Barbie Tour”?
MANUEL: Ah but I can dream of your sweet, sweet sugarloaf.
And just so you know, I can still blog while I’m away on hols or business or what have you.
I could be in Belfast this very moment and you’d never know it…
until you feel a pinch!
What happens when the kids wet the bed? Or something, er, worse?
ReplyDeleteIs it sacrilige to poo in a christian symbol?
*taps head trying to remember what the name of that band is*
ReplyDeletei want to say DEVO....
could be talking heads?
(note use of caps...)
*leaves daisys card under freshly painted porch doorstep. wonders why nobody else joins voices reindeer games*
its got to be christmas somewhere right?
*kicks stones down sidewalk sulking, then knocks over old lady walking her cat in front of mjs*
I sleep with a razor sharp scythe under my pillow.
ReplyDeleteBetter a woolen Janker than that terrible pj. What does MJ do to not shake angstridden through the night?
ReplyDeleteKAPI: I'm quite sure you'll burn in hell for those thoughts.
ReplyDeleteVOICES: It was Talking Heads.
Devo were the ones who looked as if they were wearing flower pots on their heads.
I am not fooled by your Daisy impersonation.
Unless you put on a dress.
ANON: Are you the Grim Reaper?
MAGO: What makes you think that Mistress MJ sleeps at night?
Actually, I am really afraid of God talking to me, and telling me to put on pyjamas.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am afraid of people who think that their internal monologue is God.
ummmm.... then i should repaint the house pink like is was before?
ReplyDeleteT-BIRD: A higher power is telling you to take off your pyjamas.
ReplyDeleteVOICES: I don’t live in The Big Pink, you know.
As long as my woman is snoring along side of me ... nothing dares to come near.
ReplyDeleteJOE: Admit it.
ReplyDeleteYou're just happy she's asleep and not shopping.
mj: You're just happy she's asleep and not shopping.
ReplyDeleteMe: mj ... I kid you not ... two nights ago she told me she had a dream she bought a new toaster oven ... yesterday she had an errand to do at the pharmacy and came back with a toaster oven.
JOE: I have the same dreams but only of shoes.
ReplyDeleteThe things you poor blokes must put up with.
Any human being needs some sleep, there is no alternative. I do not know when you sleep, but you have to. And I hope you do not have to fight fear. In my pay-the-rent-job I have to walk through strange places "alone in the dark" - you simply can not allow some fear in, that would mean to die at the spot.
ReplyDeleteWet white spots mean either the party is over or they paint the walls.