Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Forsaking Fags

Our friend Beast is trying to give up fags …

Allow me to clarify for our readers in the USA and Canada.

In the UK, cigarettes are also known as fags.

Whereas here in North America “fags” has a different meaning, as you’re well aware ...

Oh, hello IVD.

Anyway, poor Beastie is three days fag-free now and is doing his best not to give in to temptation.

Since I’ve never had a problem with fags, I don’t know what advice to give him to help him stick with it.

First Nations lights one up and blows smoke in Beast’s face

That’s not very helpful, Ms Nations.

Can anyone give Beast some words of wisdom and encouragement?


  1. Oh, that last pic is just asking for a nasty burn...or lip cancer.

    Chew gum, beast...and take a walk...

  2. EROS: Oh well done, Eros, you've beaten Boxer and all those other first wannabees to the punch.

    Yes, Beast. Take a long walk off a short pier.

  3. Bah! Why are you posting so early? I'll give Beast some "you can do it" love tonight. As soon as I get that picture out of my mind of course. And go beat the krap out of Eroswings.

    Then, it will be "YOU CAN DO IT"/etc/etc.

  4. Beast! hang in there dear heart! Just think you won't be like kissing the bottom of a shitty ashtray! Or smell like old ass!
    Good luck with that!

  5. Much as I want to be huffily shocked at my part in this, I couldn't help but burst out laughing!

    Beast, as well as giving up fags, you should also give up buses - They'll kill you instantly, it seems (Trams too - look what happened to Alan Bradley).

  6. Smoking makes you look more cool and grown up, don't be a quitter beastie boy.

  7. Only interesting folk are chuffers. Get outside the pub and start puffing this instant.

    There's nothing like a soggy fag butt in the pouring rain.

  8. Forget that cigarettes.
    Have a cigar. One after dinner.

  9. Cigarettes are made from the roasted dried & rubbed feces of Beelzebub himself. Stick to the healthier options like heroin, its made from crystalised urine collected from Angels and taken from the cool water of mountain stream's.

    Or you could just buy the gum of course.

  10. BOXER: I posted early to keep you on your toes.

    Obviously it didn’t work.

    Maybe I’ll confuse you further by posting later than usual tonight.

    ROBYN: Beast smells of a combination old ass/banana peel.

    Not very “aPEELing”. Ha.

    IVD: I misread your advice to "give up buses" as “give up barses”.

    I could never give them up, myself.

    KNUDSEN: Speaking of barses, I’ll be ‘round at 7.

    Make sure you've used a Wet Wipe.

    GARFY: Lots of soggy fag butts due to the rains here.

    MAGO: I still have a few Cohibas from my trip to Havana.

    Care to light up?

    BOLLIX: I’m waiting for chewable morphine to come on the market.

  11. The chewable Morphium seems to let wait, so a little Snus will do? I see the "ten can special" is out ...

    Pass that Cohiba over here, I'll take care of.

  12. Keep your hands occupied, and apparently carrots are supposed to be good.

    I've seen your penchant for bananas, and I suppose they work too. Very high in calcium but not so much in beta carotene.

  13. Will Beast give up bananas after quitting fags?

  14. ummm... as a twenty plus year smoker i have no advice... i once quit for six months cold turkey. i was dating a high school girl who was addicted to sex at the time.... so i guess my advice would be to find a hot young senior and fuck your brains out for a year.... unfortunately when your done yer gonna want a smoke... so no help here!

  15. Well thank you for the advice .
    That last picture...given Mr IVD's penchant for orange , and all that orange lipstick.....is that his secret front bottom ???

  16. Beast could try aversion therapy.

    He should smoke whilst looking at one of your disgusting anatomical pictures (male or female).

    He'll be off cigarettes for life.

  17. MAGO: Thanks but I’d rather snooze than snus.

    CYBERPOOF: Don’t encourage Beast with more oblong members of the fruit and vegetable kingdom.

    FROBI: I’m hoping he doesn’t go hardcore with pineapples.

    VOICES: You’re no help.

    BEAST: Normally, I would chastise you for diverting attention away from your banana botty but in this case I’ll make an exception.


    KAZ: The cake farts video, per chance?

  18. Kaz I am fast going off of bananas !

  19. i mean it couldnt hurt to try right?

  20. you think plums would work better?

    or maybe fuzzy peaches?

  21. BEAST: You’ll replace it with something equally disgusting.

    Looks like CyberPoof is hard at work on suggesting substitutes.

    VOICES: Perhaps you could help us suggest a nice fruit or veg substitute for Beast?

    CYBERPOOF: Plums and peaches are too juicy.

    Do you think a pumpkin is pushing it?

  22. Beast, drop the fags. They're nothing but trouble in the long run. There are much better habits you could pick up, like binge drinking. Now, there's a respectible vice.

  23. yeah, im with random on this one... (since no one likes my earlier advice) get yer self a new more exciting habit!!! when you feel the urge to smoke you could always flash someone in the park! no? huh...

  24. As I understand it, you need to replace one form of oral gratification with another. But I can't think of any example. Honestly.

  25. I am trying to give up heroin and wanking. Any tips on that cleverclogs?

  26. RANDOM: I’ll drink to that!

    VOICES: Police officers are standing by.

    KAPI: Pulling out my tit wouldn’t help in your case, would it?

    MUTLEY: Why would you want to stop being a wanker?

    You’re perfectly lovely as you are.

  27. Everytime you feel like a smoke, have a wank.

    Helped me give up well over a year ago - I was once a 60 a day bloke.

    Now I'm a complete wanker.

  28. MAXI: If it falls off, have it bronzed and sent to me.

  29. I will not. God knows what depraved things you'd get up to with it.

  30. That shade of lippy does her no favours.

  31. i seem to need a cigarette every time i click here....

  32. Hold it, don't light it. It's holding it that is the habit for most people.

  33. Aw crap, I need a fag now ...

  34. Mago, there are lots of fags around MJ's blog for some reason...

  35. You gotta smoke something and I think he should stick. I mean it's either that, cigars, crack or cock. Why do you think us Brits call them fags?

  36. Hey Random (stiff nibbled, or is it: nippled?) Chick - feel better now ... the wonder of globalization did help, red wine from China bottled in a sino-french-coop and sold in my village at the "Norma", the most cheap supermarket around: Unbelievable.

  37. LOL @ Crump!

    Mago, it's nippled. And yes, I feel much better thank you very much. I don't really understand your last comment but that's okay. I hope you got your fag.

  38. Carissima - I did not need a fag - whatever you understand or mean with that word, be it man, woman or cigarette - a bottle of red manna helped me to make it through the times of temptation, yes it was grown in Tijanjing and bottled somewhere in France and met it's fate in Franconia, the world visits my stomach, aw what a feeling.

  39. MAXI: I'd treat it like gold.

    CARNALIS: The lippy was "snatched" from the bargain bin at Walmart.

    VOICES: Let Nations light one up for you.

    CATSCRATCH: I think he's too busy holding onto something else.

    MAGO: Plenty round here, as Random says.

    RANDOM: They come for the cock but stay for the craic.

    CRUMP: So you're a Brit!

    That explains why your breath smells of spotted dick.

    MAGO: Random’s nipples are stiff enough to cut glass.

    Or so I’m told.

    RANDOM: Mago is from the imaginary land of Franconia.

    MAGO: In vino veritas.

  40. beast...don't smoke the cigarette in the last picture...will make you a bit salty :)

  41. ..well, I won't be wearing THAT shade again...

    *lights another off the ember of the first*