Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service

The staff of Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service (pictured above) have been busy matching up prospective clients with you, Infomaniac’s readers.

Infomaniac’s new dating service series has a new name!

The winning name as chosen by you lot is Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service.

The winning title was created by Old Knudsen and a prize will be mailed to him.

Titles tied for second prize were Very Last Resort Dating (also submitted by Old Knudsen) and Lowered Expectations submitted by new Infomaniac reader Bunny.

Infomaniac would like to thank all of you for participating in this competition. A job well done!

You’re quite the clever bunch when you put your thinking caps on and that is why the clients of Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service are so attracted to you.

Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service has received dating profiles from numerous clients who wish to meet Infomaniac readers. Our clients have heard that Infomaniac readers, some more than others, are gagging for a shag, er, um, I mean looking for love.

And now without further ado, Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service presents our first client…


Due to a computer glitch, all of Brandine’s personal data has been erased.

So it’s up to you to guess what she does for a living, her likes, dislikes, hobbies, and what she’s looking for in a mate.

And why not tell us, dear Infomaniac reader, what you can offer this woman. Do you have what it takes to bring Brandine eternal happiness? We want to know!


  1. what she does for a living:
    Tests intravenous feeding apparatus

    her likes:
    Lard, saturated fat, saturated lardy fat, fat, fatty fats, and Diet Pepsi

    Motion (personal)

    Mastication (tee hee!) interpretive dance

    What she’s looking for in a mate:
    Able to lift body weight (hers)

    what you can offer this woman:
    The phone number of Jenny Craig

  2. What do you mean I won? for fucks sake why do I never win the lotto?

    I can offer Brandine a burger and large fries and she doesn't even put them doon when I'm having a go at her. She had better not shave her muff or I'll never find it.

  3. Oh shes a supreme court judge who likes the ethnic fashions of African American cowboys, she dislikes onions cos they make her fart but will still eat them, her hobbies are sitting half dressed with a microphone recording her onion farts. What she wants in a mate is a love of fast food and a bad sense of smell.

  4. Congratulations, O.K.! and What a wonderful prize winning a date with Brandine. Though, I'm having a little trouble figuring out if she's a fag, a hag, or a slag...

    By day, she's a correctional officer at a federal prison, where she uses her baton to 'help' the inmates stay in line on the way to chow. By night, she's a dancer and a chorus girl in the community theater.

    She's also a Sunday School teacher and the Biggest Guns N Roses fan, and during her off time, likes to make her own designer outfits and sings Welcome to the Jungle, complete with a dance routine!

    Brandine wants Axl Rose, or a similar facsimile, which totally disqualifies me. She would definitely appreciate a man who enjoys long walks in the fetch her a corndog when she gets a craving for street vendor cuisine.

  5. Shurely shome mishtake?. Brandine is far too gorgeous to resort to a piss poor dating service like yours.

    She has a Phd in quantum mechanics, baits badgers, and holds coffee mornings for midgets.

    Whadda gal.

  6. Ok, at the get go I think that attached to FHatoS dating service should be a "Thunderlust Cafe".

    Hmm. Brandine is chronologically 22 years old, but her body age is 57.

    She is an interior designer who specialises in African Themed living rooms.

    She likes to hunt and kill zebras with her bare hands and then use their skins to fashion plus sized clothes.

    She's looking for a drop dead gorgeous man.

  7. Her name is Brandine Pighor (yeah, laugh all you want)and she has 3 kids, who live with her and boyfriend Elton. Her family's kinda mad at for that, seeing how Elton and her is cousins, but whatever, the law says it's ok. Anywhoo, They live in a nice trailer park, not one of those trashy ones you see around, and she's a beautician. She's a 22 year old. This I looked for the name on google and that's what came up.

  8. She's a pole dancer for wait, a pole dancing pimp. She is wearing a pimp hat after all.

    By day a plus size bra model, by night a pole dancing pimp.

    She would sure fuck you up in more ways than one.

  9. NATIONS: Did you know that if you type into your URL bar, you get the Neiman Marcus catalogue?

    Try it.

    Anyway, Brandine wants to know if you’ll rub lard into her crevices.

    KNUDSEN: Believe it or not, this election was not rigged so that I might find out your home address and gain entry to your hoose thus allowing me access in the still of the night to your pee-stained cap.

    Where do you hang it when you’re sleeping?

    EROS: A corndog?

    Now you’re talking Ms. Nations’ language!

    Don’t let Nations know there’s corndogs.

    GARFY: Who were you expecting?

    Pussy Galore or Plenty O’Toole?

    By the way, I am very much taken by your title “Marvelous MJ’s Perv Emporium” and hope to find a way to employ it someday.

    T-BIRD: Did you know that an anagram of FHatoS is FHATSO?

    TATAS: You weren’t kidding, were you?

    DORA: She may have a pimp hat but does she have grillz?

  10. I live with a lesbian, who is my chum - she says she's I'm dyke tyke.

    She's french as well, not that there's anything wrong with that.

  11. Brandine is a bra model who hails from East LA.

    She enjoys visiting the zoo while high on crack and taunting the snakes.

    She dislikes bad teeth and body odor.

    I can offer Brandine nothing as I am thoroughly repulsed.

  12. Thought you'd like that one MJ.

    Brandine smells like hoof:-

  13. Brandine is about to hurl, which is something she is very good at because she's never very far from her BFF Jack Daniels.

    She looks good in a leopard leotard and fishnet stockings. Oh, don't forget her signature zebra cowboy hat!

    She's currently starring in an indie movie entitled: Sex, Lies, and Walmart Crap.

    She has a collection of 501 troll dolls and can do amazing things with macramé.

    I can't offer her anything because I'm highly allergic to anything that makes ME hurl.

    Good luck, Brandine! You're in good hands at the Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service!

  14. Would Brandine date an African American man?


  15. I think Brandine is looking for what every average, sensitive, well dressed woman is seeking; Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
    And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne... making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.


  16. Brandine is a multi- transexual and former spice girl tribute band member (she was a more well endowed baby spice).

    Today she cleans gun barrels with her tongue (pictured) and plays host to a nest of gerbils (pictured).

    She likes the work of Balzac and drinks anything made of liquid.

    In a mate she's looking for someone who can figure out what's going on with her genitalia and can stomach the over powering stench of warm marmite which emanates from two saucer sized scent glands she had cosmetically attached for vanity purposes.

    No one actually knows what sex she is currently or what sex she started as. She prefers SHE due to a crippling speech impediment that causes her to default to the feminine. A recent aliment which ended a blossoming career as a French/ Thai translator at the UN.

    I don't have what it takes to bring her eternal happiness, but I do know that 4 words will bring her momentary elation , 'YOU HAVE GREAT BOOBS'.

  17. Brandine is a nuclear physicist by day and the superheroine Zebra Girl by night. Except on Tuesday evenings when she helps out at the homeless shelter.
    She likes wood effect veneer but dislikes actual wood veneer - she says it's sinister.
    She has several hobbies including allowing small planets to orbit her and chinese aphrodisiac cooking.
    She's looking for a scrawny man who can hold his breath for a long time - In case he gets trapped in one of her fat folds.

  18. ***leaving a trial of pies and donuts to lure Brandine to the Beasts Lair****

    Is Brandine the before model for any dieting company ad ???

  19. HERGE: I misread “dyke tyke” as “dyke trike” and thought she was trying to ride you.

    DIVA: A bra model, eh?

    I thought maybe they used her gazongas as molds to make cupholders for semi trucks.

    Those 7-11 Slurpees just keep getting bigger and bigger, you know.

    TATAS: Something is making you feverish and particularly chatty today.

    Do you have hoof and mouth?

    RANDOM: I have a friend with 501 troll dolls.

    Is he going to be miffed when he reads this.

    MATTHEW: Yes, she would but I warned her…

    Once you go black, you never go back.

    BOXER: But if she’s into yoga and has half a brain, she’s blown it.


    With those four words you’ve captured the essence (or is that Marmite I smell?) of a true first impression dating scenario.

    IVD: If it’s a scrawny man she’s after, you would be well advised to bolt the door.

    BEAST: Brandine would slim down in a hurry…

    after a plate of Ma Beastie’s chickpea curry!

  20. See Brandine is a classy lady, you've just got to treat her right... i'd treat her with some very strong disinfectant.

  21. I'll pass on this one - whatever she is.
    As you know I only do lesbian when Michelle Pfeiffer's involved.

    Except for snogging you dear.

  22. HERGE: And a sheep dip.

    KAZ: Pucker up, doll face.

  23. Brandine is a psychology major. In her spare time she works at a homeless shelter and eats as much mexican food as she can get.

  24. MJ you wouldn't want to go in the lav after a Brandine /curry related incident

  25. CYBERPOOF: Speaking of water ballet, did you ever manage to learn to swim without the use of water wings?

    BEAST: Is it anything like a Nations/burrito related incident?

  26. The sylph like Brandine has a full service history and has had only 50 careful owners. A good little runner, she puts the vroom in your broom and will rattle your dipstick.

    Brandine's tank requires regular topping up, but the lustful purr from her big bore motor will satisfy your wildest desires.

    Available for spares or repair. A potential future classic with (freak) show potential.

    $1 or nearest offer secures.

  27. Brandine is my next door neighbor. She's most times friendly, some of her friends are a little sinister.

  28. GARFY: I'll soon be on hols.

    Donn has turned me down but perhaps you would like to write copy for me in my absence?

    You have a wonderful turn of phrase.

    MAGO: Funny, she doesn't look German.

    Except for the pork knuckles.

  29. Brandine, Brandine, Brandine, Brandine
    Im begging of you please dont take my man
    Brandine, Brandine, Brandine, Brandine
    Please dont take him just because you can
    Your boob job is beyond compare
    With flaming locks of auburn hair
    With orange skin and eyes of emerald green
    Your girth is like a breath of spring
    Your breath is rank like boiled sheeps brain
    And I cannot compete with you, Brandine

    He talks about you in his sleep
    Theres nothing I can do to keep
    From crying when he calls your name, Brandine

    And I can easily understand
    How you could easily take my man
    But you dont know what he means to me, Brandine

    Brandine, Brandine, Brandine, Brandine
    Im begging of you please dont take my man
    Brandine, Brandine, Brandine, Brandine
    Please dont take him just because you can

  30. GARFY: All you need now is a big ole blonde fright wig and a couple o' watermelons stuffed down your blouse.

    You gotta take this show on the road.

  31. she must be a ted nugent roadie with all that animal stuff and no shirt...however i didn't see a tail...

    i have nothing to offer her except perhaps a few phone numbers of unsuspecting men...:)

  32. I heard that one of her disgruntled 'tricks' pushed her into a vat of Necrotizing Fasciitis (flesh-eating disease) but it didn't take.

  33. DAISY: Could one of those "unsuspecting men" be BEAST?

    DONNNNN: Tricks?

    How dare you assume that the Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service is THAT kind of agency?

  34. give me more credit than i deserve...i do not have beast's phone number...he is an elusive beast after all...

  35. DAISY: We can just follow the scent of Ma Beastie's chickpea curry to his doorstep.