Saturday, June 14, 2008

World’s Greatest Gardener

Bend over, bitches and take my gardening greatness up your arses!

I’m getting sick and tired of listening to First Nations and Inner Voices and Beast drone on and on about how great their gardens grow.

For starters, there’s Nations with her batshit magongo strawberries and asparagus. And her "I’m-craftier- than you-are" use of golf shoes and miniature dump trucks to make funky planters. And you can’t read her blog without translating from the Latin; Lychnis flos cuculi and Aquilegia Canadensis, for example. Frankly, it’s all Greek to me.

Then there’s Voices with his FOURTEEN VARIETIES OF TOMATOES and record-breaking, SEVEN-FOOT-TALL-SUNFLOWER out by the swimming pool (a glorified oil drum is more what the pool looks like).

Last and definitely least, there’s Beast and his unique garden accoutrements: namely, his brassiere planter and his topiary dolphin and his Barbie Stone for sacrificing virgins.

Bloody showoffs, all of them.

Nations and Beast pictured together with expression of smug superiority.

Voices emptying his hose all over the trailer park.

So to all you GARDEN BLOGGERS, I would like to say…

My garden kicks ass!

Behold MY garden! Top THIS, you garden hoes!...


  1. I love Chia pets. My sister and I got some for Christmas one year and we had so much fun with them.

  2. Garden Hoes? LOL I love the photo's of Nation, Beast and I.V. Perfect.

  3. If you need help trimming your bush I have a certificate from the local community college in topiary. I also know my way around a clematis.

  4. DINAH: Just for you…

    The original Chia Pet TV Commercial.

    CECILE: Garden hoes…the three of them.

    And as Dorothy Parker said, “You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.”

    EDDIE: Rumour has it you have a sticky willy (Galium aparine).

  5. nice one, was glad to see i was the one in front of the trailer and not holding hands with the guy bending over in the first pic!!!!

    will have to have an infomaniac roast soon...

    *rubs hands together and plots silent revenge*

  6. This reminds me - I must repot my phormiums and sort out my HUGE melianthus major.

  7. I grow my weeds in a window box. Sometimes I talk to them, just to chivvy them along a little.

  8. IDV are they all latin names for cock?

    Oh, and Eddie totally already said what I was going to say about you needing to trim your chia pet.

  9. Flos cuculi? You have Vorberg's Glossarium right at our desk ...

  10. First Nations , Voices , Hold MJ down while I weedwhack her 'vegetable patch' , then lets upend the brusque baggage in the composter

  11. When did you start censoring cocks?

    Was that one too pretty, big and unhairy for you?

  12. VOICES: You are but a neophyte at revenge.

    I’ll strike back when you least expect it.

    Ask others who know.

    IVD: Melianthus major meaning “touch-me-not”…

    Clearly not an issue where you and your sailor buddies are concerned.

    GARFY: I’d like to be privy to your chivvy.

    T-BIRD: You’re thinking of the Amorphophallus, derived from the Greek words 'amorphos' and 'phallos', meaning 'shapeless penis'.

    BEAST: Sour grapes from which I’ll make wine and not invite you to the party.

    MAGO: The trannies of the plant world.

    BEAST: Then we’ll turn the weed whacker loose on your nose and ear hair.

    CYBERPOOF: Privacy reasons.

    It has his mother’s full name tattooed upon it.

  13. And I thought the vision of IDVs infested pecker would be scary.

    Thanks for censoring it. I'm most grateful.

  14. My regs are on a "How Great My Garden Art" sort of kick too. I'm a homeless troll so the World is pretty much my garden.

  15. yes, those who can't DO, mock. meanwhile i have already made 35$ at my gardening sale! and it isn't even open till today! SUCH IS THE MIGHT AND THE GLORY OF MY GARDENING FU!!!!!

    *waters dying chia pet for mj*

    beast and voices, pay no attention. she is a bad canadian boobywoman who smells like bacon farts.

  16. .....AND your 'spoonbox' is tattooed with a street map of Yellow Knife.

  17. Hey, let's put all of this family bickering aside and meet at The Wild Onion Cafe to celebrate a birthday. There will be free booze.

  18. CYBERPOOF: Don’t say I never did anything for you.

    TROLL: Do you live under the Aurora Bridge in Seattle, by any chance?

    NATIONS: Did I make mention of your TOILET PLANTER?

    NO, I DID NOT!!!

    And don’t badmouth Yellowknife. One of our big hunky man bloggers is from Yellowknife and he’ll eat you up and spit you out like so much whale blubber.

    I bet you high-tailed it down to the liquor store the minute you made a few bucks off your poxy plant sale.

    CECILE: Whoa, not so fast.

    I haven’t even had my morning coffee yet.

  19. I got a Chia Pet one year for Xmas but my cat kept licking off the sprouts as soon as they grew. So I stuck the poor bald thing in the kitchen window and forgot about it. About a year later I had the windows open mopping my kitchen when these two snide little teen girls walked past my apartment. As they passed I heard one say, "When is that bitch going to give it up? That Chia Pet is never going to grow."

    It's one of my most treasured memories.

  20. ****dusts MJ's Spoonbox****

  21. PRU: "When is that bitch going to give it up?"

    A frustrated suitor used to say that to me.

    BEAST: "Dust My Spoonbox"?

    Have you suddenly turned into an old Mississippi bluesman?

    Let's put this MJ-collects-spoons rumour to rest right now.

    Shouldn't you be out in your yard sacrificing virgins?

  22. Well pfffft and HA on you , as I am the worlds most rubbish gardener.
    I took the Paris Hilton approach to gardening , I waved a wad of £50 pound nots at MR C (A landscaper by trade) and said airily
    'Create me a garden , my man ....and make its snappy'.
    I now spend all my time trying not to kill stuff , so the Barbie stone , and topiary dolphin are all Mr C flights of fancy , as were the ill fated chickens . So nothing to do with me
    I am an innocent man


  24. BEAST: Could you shut up for five minutes?

    I’m trying to eat my breakfast AND watch Fish’n Canada here.

    *throws cereal spoon at Beast's big bare impossible to miss the target bottom*

  25. Aha A SPOON
    Guilty as charged m'lud

  26. BEAST: Well of course I’m eating my cereal with a spoon.

    What am I supposed to do?

    Put my face in the bowl like a pig at a trough?

    Maybe that’s how you eat in Bournemouth but we Canadians are more civilized.

    Ever hear of cutlery?

    Do you mind if I have my shower now or are you going to follow me in there too with your loofah?


    good morning!!!!

  28. *sneaks back in and pees on dying chia pet*

  29. VOICES: You’re too late, I’m afraid.

    While you were aimlessly waving your weed whacker about, I was in the shower.

    *steps into puddle which is not the colour of clear shower water*

    Damn you!

  30. *laughs to self and knocks over stack of old man porn on way out of infomaniac compound, takes copy for "research".*

  31. VOICES: Look what you've done!

    Those were in date order.

    Double damn you!

    By the way, did you notice one of the centrefolds looks suspiciously like Beast?

  32. You let that garden grow. You're doing a fine job!!! At least something grows!

  33. I would like a Chihuahua Chia.

    Other than that, I got nothing.

  34. This was a very funny and diverting comment thread. I give it 17 brazillian waxed chia pets out of 20.

    That score has been approved by the brazillian chia pet consortium, if anyone is wondering.

  35. MYTOES: Thanks for not peeing on my parade.

    BOXER: Ch-Ch-Ch-Chihuahua!

    T-BIRD: I’m going for 18 out of 20 but that would require someone entering the room and slipping on a banana peel.

  36. Mistress MJ, quite a Canadian eh,
    Why does your garden show
    old man balls and cocks from hell
    and old maids posing like hoes?

  37. EROS: Up your nose with a garden hose.

  38. I don't want to brag but I effortlessly enjoy the fruits and flowers of not one, not two but ... well lets say more than I need. Only thing is I have to do my harvesting at night, sometimes climbing fences and once in a while I have to run faster than a dog. Oh BTW ... Thank you Mrs Clark (6 houses down on the left) the roses are exceptional this year, my wife loved them!

  39. PRACTICALLYJOE: Too much fruit.

    No wonder you have the runs.