All this weekend, Infomaniac will be holding a contest, so if you’re not all drunk by now, put on your thinking caps and help a bitch out, would you?
There’s a prize in it for you if you do.
Infomaniac is planning a new series.
An online dating service to be exact.
With men and women like this one…
…who are just dying to meet Infomaniac readers like you for a little slap and tickle and hide the pickle.
I’ve had a headache all day and can’t come up with a name for Infomaniac’s dating service series.
So if you can leave a suggestion or two, the name I choose will be declared the winner and a crap gift will be mailed out to you.
I just hope the winner isn’t in Australia as that last compo cost me a small fortune.
The winner will be chosen on Monday and a new potential date will be featured.
Get to it bitches.
Name my dating series.
OMG! I'M NEVER FIRST!!!!!!!! *does a dance on the table then falls on arse*
ReplyDeleteI'm okay, no really. Why am I here? Oh yea, the dating service name: Tap Dat Arse Dating Service
Okay, I haven't had enough wine yet...but give me some time!
Lady Lumps for Stumpy Humps dot com.
ReplyDeleteBwah ha ha ha!!! MJ, Bob's is good. It's freakin' hot here in California. I think we're all gonna burn up. Maybe we're all in hell and we don't realize it?
ReplyDelete"Date my Ass?"
ReplyDeleteNo. That's not it.
I'll be back. Bob kinda stole the thunder right out of the gate. I think I'll go leave him something in his comment box for that.
I M HRD R U WET.COME
ReplyDeleteHere is the copy..
ReplyDeleteTired of taking one for the team at closing time?
Does the phrase, "Well I guess you'll have to do" ring any bells?
Well say goodbye to those nagging elbow and wrist injuries because there is a new dating service that was designed for people like you by retired eastern bloc para-psychologists currently hiding from a World Health Organisation Tribunal somewhere in the jungles of Paraguay.!
For only $19.95
(cash only/no cheques)
you get;
(1) virtually indestructable Veterinarian shoulder length rubber glove
(1) bottle of warm Tequila
(1) jar WW1 surplus Penis- ill'n
(2) large paper bags
(1) 10' x 10' Crime Scene Cleanup Mat
(1) copy Debbie Does Dallas (VHS)
(1) Gerbil on Crack with 6' of nylon cord
Don't delay! This exclusive offer is limited until the Cops come through my door.
Certain restrictions may apply to residents of the Vatican and Hawaii.
WARNING excessive use of this service may cause certain Side Effects such as;
Dry mouth
Urinary retention
Blurred vision
Constipation
Sedation (can interfere with driving or operating machinery)
Sleep disruption
Weight gain
Headache
Nausea
Gastrointestinal disturbance/diarrhea
Abdominal pain
Inability to achieve an erection
Inability to achieve an orgasm (men and women)
Loss of libido
Agitation
and Anxiety
Please sign attached waiver here____here___and here____.
Slobs and Sluts.
ReplyDeleteI like Donns.
ReplyDeleteI am going to dip into the wine tonight (read early afternoon) and then I may have something for you.
Right now I've got nothing.
Damnit! I put milk on my cereal instead of wine. I should've come here when I got home last night, rather than in the cold, sober light of day.
ReplyDeleteI'll come back later when there're loads more brilliant suggestions so I can leave a rubbish one unnoticed...
snatch and grab
ReplyDelete:)
Vintage Homo Fest
ReplyDeleteOr if that's not inclusive enough,
ReplyDeleteVintage Filth Fest
Finger Licking Filth Service.
ReplyDeleteInfomaniac Introduction service.
Fun & Frolics, get serviced here.
RANDOM: Congratulations on your first first.
ReplyDeleteRather than saying,“OMG! I'M NEVER FIRST!!!!!!!!” the other bitches usually say “Yay! I’m first!”
“Tap Dat Arse Dating Service” has a nice ring to it and really sums up the service we’re trying to provide.
BOB: “Lady Lumps for Stumpy Humps dot com”?
There will be men, not just women, featured on the dating service so this doesn’t cover all the bases.
RANDOM: You’re the only one in hell.
The rest of us are watching you from above and poking you with our red-hot pitch forks.
BOXER: "Date my Ass?"
This is not a dating service for donkeys nor the people who love them.
DONN: I’m going on hols soon.
Would you be interested in a guest blogger position?
VICUS: “Slobs and Sluts”?
ReplyDeleteYou’re disqualified for trying to pass off the name of a dating service that already exists.
And that you’ve been using.
Any luck yet, by the way?
CYBERPOOF: Drunk yet?
IVD: I promise I won’t notice no matter what time of day you leave it.
DAISY: “Snatch and Grab”?
Nice one.
Unlike the lacklustre efforts by CyberPoof and IVD.
GORDIE: Excellent suggestions, both, however we’ll be featuring modern guys and gals, not the men and women of yesteryear.
TATAS: How about if I name it after you?
“Dirty Bitch Dating Service”.
Animal, Vegetable, Menstrual
ReplyDeleteThe Wet Spot
ReplyDeleteChicks, Pricks, 'n' Kicks
ReplyDeletemj's Desperate Dirty Daters.
ReplyDeleteYou can't beat a bit of alliteration .....
I know I know - too clean again.
Not yet although that buck fizz with an aspirin chaser is starting to work its magic.
ReplyDeleteWill it be like a Dating for Dummies type thing?
You want it we've got it.
ReplyDeleteor
You want one we have some
Cheers Mark x
The 'B' List
ReplyDeleteMJ's Meat Swap
Last Call.com
Fag,Hag and the odd Slag dating service.
ReplyDeletePay for sex.com
Very last Resort dating
Stain's
ReplyDeleteGod, I laughed until tears came out me eyes. I can't compete with this! I'll be back maybe.
ReplyDeleteNaturally your dating service should be named
ReplyDeleteTOTS - Tits or Tats get on the mats!
E-Harpy
ReplyDeleteSnatch.Com
CyberPimp.Com
Love-Harpoon.Com The Whale of Your Dreams at a Minnow Price.
Beer-Goggles.Com
Gash-4-Trash.Com
Click-n-cum.com
ReplyDeleteor, if the delights of Infomaniac aren't your thing, visit the alternative site:
Click-n-sick.com
Liquored up/lacquered down
ReplyDeleteDogs Pen
ReplyDeleteLet out your inner dawg.
Boobs and Balls Dating Service!
ReplyDeleteGORDIE: The first one made me a wee bit queasy but the other two have potential.
ReplyDeleteKAZ: You manipulative minx.
Playing upon my adoration of alliteration.
CYBERPOOF: “Dating for Dummies” is a good title even though you didn’t intend it to be a choice.
May I consider it?
GRUMP: Straightforward and to the point.
The customer knows what he’s getting with names like that.
NATIONS: A plus for “The B list”.
“MJ’s Meat Swap” and “Last Call.com sound so low-rent-rendezvous.
Hold on… “Low Rent Rendezvous”… I like that!
*disqualifies everybody and declares myself the winner*
Just kidding!
KNUDSEN: “Fag, Hag and the odd Slag dating service”?
You might want to send me your address right this instant as that one’s going into the hat.
MAGO: “Stains”?
ReplyDeleteYou don’t know how appropriate that is.
But if it’s stains you’re looking for, you might want to try to win The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts when CyberPoof holds the competition.
LEAH: This contest is not a laughing matter.
Please try to pull yourself together.
CYBERPOOF: TOTS?
We don’t want to attract the underage crowd.
Well, maybe YOU would but I don’t.
TROLL: Great titles, all of them, but they all sound rather sordid.
I can’t imagine how we gave you the impression that we’re that type of blog.
IVD: “Click-n-cum.com”?
Up yer bum.
CYBERPOOF: Obviously you’re “liquored up” now yourself.
MYTOES: “Boobs and Balls Dating Service”?
Sounds like a lesbian softball team.
Of course you can consider it. Consider it yours (if nobody has trademarked it that is, I cannot be held responsible or liable in any way shape or form)
ReplyDeleteI don't like them young. Ew. At least no younger than 25. Tee-hee. You know, my current age.
Clickadick n clickachick?
ReplyDeleteFilthy Fads
ReplyDeleteYou want Champagne and Caviar? Well I'll give you peanuts and beer and you will like it dammit.
Head Over Heels
ReplyDeleteI think it speaks for itself.
Helloooooooooo?
ReplyDeleteHo-down ?
ReplyDeleteor is that more something we'd be joining on a Saturday than an actual service?
ReplyDeleteI'm sure my friend Pierre Ponnelle would have a suggestion had he been able to speak
ReplyDeletewhat are you doing?
ReplyDeletedialadick.com.
ReplyDeleteor
MARVELOUS MJ'S PERV EMPORIOUM.
Open to all of various persuasions and gymnastic variations. Full refunds given if not FULLY SATISFIED.
ILLITERATES MAY NOT APPLY UNLESS THEY HAVE GOOD CHEEKBONES AND DUBIOUS DRESS SENSE.
Not sure MJ cares too much about the cheekbones. I have a feeling she's more interested in the boner
ReplyDeleteChubby Chaser's Rendevuez.
ReplyDeleteLucky Snatch and Pickle.
Thunderlust Cafe.
That's all I got for now.
Does anybody know where I can go if I want to date a lesbian softball team?
ReplyDeleteHow about the name Animal Vegetable Matrimonial - or is that too serious?
Mmm. I am going to have to go Dickensian on you with this one as the Troll already used my Beer Goggles idea (I must have a little troll in me, somewhere).
ReplyDeleteBleak House Dating Service.
or
I'm Fat, You're Shameless.
Dirty Little Secrets.
THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE CAN'T REMOVE US FROM THE GENE POOL IF WE ALL BAND TOGETHER AND ORGY
finally:
Bottom of the Barrel
A variation on Troll's:
ReplyDeleteThe bodysnatchers dot com.
Blindfolded fun aka Hole in the Wall (- but that's too historical)
Madame J's
Grab it for free
The fix is in
Thick as a brick
After having had a last view on the picture of your proposed customer, the ultimate catch-line of your business dawned on me:
ReplyDelete"Fat'n smoke gets ev'ry bloke"
Or in German:
"Blöd fickt gut"
And low on the wick
ReplyDeleteWhen the candle burns low,
Be assured of your hick,
Enjoying a a cow.
It's never too low
ReplyDeleteMJ gets it's ride
Out of contest, untranslatable:
"Oedipus, Schnoedipus -
Hauptsach' du hast'es Muater'l liab!"
Ask MJ - fruitflys never lye.
CYBERPOOF: Well ex-SCOOO-ooo-oooze ME if I go outdoors and don’t check my blog on one of the 3.5 days a month where it doesn’t rain here.
ReplyDeleteA shoe sale may also have been involved so now I’m talking your language.
“Clickadick n clickachick?"
Tee hee.
GARFY: You’re on a winning streak.
Consider all of your entries a cut above.
“Emporium” is a word I’m partial to, by the way.
CYBERPOOF: It’s really all in the arse where I’m concerned.
CECILE: Well done but I must ask you what you’ve done with your children?
Have you sold them into the white slave trade so you could spend more time surfing porn?
Bad,bad mummy.
GORDIE: If a lesbian softball team approaches my new dating service en masse, I’ll direct them to your blog.
ReplyDeleteI won’t even bother to give the other bloggers a chance at them.
T-BIRD: You have a little troll in you?
Shit it out before it reproduces!
Dickens is rolling in his grave because of you.
MAGO: If “hole in the wall” is a euphemism for gloryhole, we’re not that kind of dating service.
Visit Tazzy and Piggy for that kind of fun.
GARFY & MAGO: I’m well into my cups and have no further comment to your wit and wisdom.
I must take leave now until Sunday when I shall return to ponder these selections and consider any further additions to the list.
Uglies Bumping Uglies
ReplyDeleteLowered Expectations
Pink Canoe, All for U
Trailer Hook-Ups
1. Venus and Penis
ReplyDelete2. Lumps, Chumps, and Humps
3. Barns and Homos
4. Snatches and Catches
5. Meat and Greet
6. Labor of Love: Filling Every Hole
7. The Hook Up: Hooking out people is our business
8. Love Delivers: Where your goods are handled with care
9. The Secret Garden: Where every hoe is used, every prick is kissed, and every bud smells like love.
BOB: “Lady Lumps for Stumpy Humps dot com”?
ReplyDeleteThere will be men, not just women, featured on the dating service so this doesn’t cover all the bases.
Guess I failed you again.
I understand that Ann Travers at Simon Fraser has done some research on lesbian softball leagues "within the context of a queer feminist challenge to the gender binary".
ReplyDeleteAre we all going to be ones and zeroes on your dating service, or am I going to be allowed to tick "Other"?
Oh god. why didn't you have that word verification thing?
ReplyDeleteMaybe I would have left a few less comments.
Pull-a-Pig.com
ReplyDeleteHas a certain ring to it dont you think
*claps hands in excitement*
ReplyDeleteYay Name it after me.
Tatas Tantalizing titties here.
BUNNY: Welcome to Infomaniac and thanks for your suggestions!
ReplyDeleteAnother one of Old Knudsen’s legion of adoring weemen.
EROS: Are you high on something?
What exactly does “Barns and Homos” mean?
BOB: Suck it up.
GORDIE: Perhaps you should consider going “undercover(s)” and doing research at Ann Summers.
CYBERPOOF: You’ll need to drink a lot more before your comments are as drunken as IVD’s.
BEAST: “Pull-a-Pig.com”?
That would only attract punters interested in dating Piggy.
Of which I’m sure there are none.
TATAS: Why don’t your tits get their own blog?
Oh I totally forgot about that!
ReplyDeletePure class.
I was not dipping into the strong stuff though and my headache is only slight.
CYBERPOOF: No one does drunken commenting like IVD.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I’m still not sure what he meant by “Oh crap I',m acrap a ttthais FfBastard/”
I'm not sure he knows.
ReplyDeleteI'd never try to take his place. Nobody could take down the Queen of drunken blogging.
The Recycling Centre
ReplyDeleteYour neighbours trash is your next meal.
Last Call
ReplyDeleteHurry before you get stuck with the scary looking unibrow over in the corner.
Gadzooks!
ReplyDeleteYou really have your work cut out for you..there are so many hilarious suggestions to choose from.
As for your guest blogger offer, while I am flattered, your peeps come here to read YOU and since the vast majority of them find me an insufferable twat, I should humbly decline.
I have pretty thick skin but only tools rush in yada yada yada..
Reminds me of a song by 54-40;
"if you ride the tiger,
you can never get off,
'cause they get hungry!"
Besides, if you're on hols,
go on hols!
None of your readers would ever abandon you..they LOVE you...and where else can they get such high grade filth?
No, really?
CYBERPOOF: If IVD is the Queen of drunken blogging, then you’re the Princess.
ReplyDeleteDONN: Insufferable twat, my arse.
It’s simply that we don’t recognize you incognito with the blue shades.
Are you in the witness protection program for stealing secrets from KAOS?
Or have you gone Hollywood on us?
booze, bros and broads...
ReplyDeleteits a one stop shop here at infomaniac!
OH AND DID YOU NOTICE I WAITED UNTIL I WAS THE 69TH COMMENT?!?! i should get extra-fucking-credit for that one eh?
ReplyDeleteVOICES: Being commenter number 69 only serves to make you more attractive to our potential clients.
ReplyDeleteWow, so many good names. How will you be able to decide on just one?
ReplyDeleteHere are my entries:
Hideous Hookups
Unsightly Singles
Revolting Rendezvous
(yeah, I like alliteration)
The Beast Connection
Assignation with an Eyesore
Jerry Springer Lovers Unite!
I embrace the Princess title.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
Who wants to be an old queen anyway.
ReplyDeleteIt's gotta be guntlovers.com
ReplyDeleteOnly big girls have a gunt. It's that bit where their gut merges into their
well you get the picture.
I think a little bit of vomit just came up. Gunt. I'll never be the same again.
ReplyDeleteLOL at gunt! Great word.
ReplyDeleteGunt Connection has a nice ring too.
Or maybe Date My Gunt.
Bad Mummies for your Daddy O.
ReplyDeleteHey you inspired it. Whatever Bitch. LOL
PRU: You knew I’d fall prey to the allure of alliteration.
ReplyDeleteWe shan’t be using “The Beast Connection” though unless…
Unless I start up a dating service exclusively for blogger Beast.
Heaven knows he could use the help getting laid!
CYBERPOOF: You’re a princess now but in time you too will be an old queen.
DR.MAROON: Welcome to Infomaniac!
Although thrilled to see such enthusiastic use of the word “Gunt”, I’ll have to disqualify you as we’re not strictly pedaling female clients.
T-BIRD: You know what I’ve said about vomiting on this blog.
PRU: As much as I love hearing you all repeat the world “Gunt” over and over again, see my comment to Dr. Maroon.
CECILE: I’m guessing you’ll be the first client?
The Good The Bad The Ugly
ReplyDeleteFree Willies
In2Mate DeviDates
Ruff, Muff, and Fluff
SwapMeat
EROS: Do I have to slap your willie?
ReplyDeleteCan you not see I've already posted the selections you have to choose from in the new posting?
These were good. Too bad you're too late.
I couldn't resist! Now, I'm off to contemplate my choices!
ReplyDeleteHoly shit!!!
ReplyDelete