Thursday, February 28, 2008

Marry Me, Bitch

Leap Year: the traditional time when a woman can propose marriage.

Blame the Irish. Legend has it the tradition started when St. Brigid complained to St. Patrick that the womenfolk were tired of waiting for the men to propose.

So St. Paddy took it upon himself to declare February 29th, once every four years, a day when the women could make their move.

Tomorrow, being officially Leap Year Day, I shall select one of you lucky bitches to be my “Blogging Spouse.”

I say “spouse” rather than “husband” as this selection process is open to both men and women as I believe in and promote affirmative action.

Your duties as my Blogging Spouse will be outlined after you have been chosen.

This is your opportunity now to tell me why I should choose YOU to be my intended.

Make it good. The competition is fierce.


  1. I would like to vote for Knudsen. He has a hat, and it smells like pee.

    That does it for me.

  2. Do I get presents???
    ***thinking of something small but extremely expensive....the names Gucci or Prada immediatly spring to mind***
    Who gets the ring on thier finger ???

  3. Good point Beast.

    Don't choose me, MJ - I don't want your ring on my finger!


  4. You can piss off. I've told you before, I am not available.

  5. no I have changed my mind please pick me and the smell of Knudsen's piss stained skin is delightful I want to lick him all over.

  6. Ach thats very nice, this so-called wedding will there be a lot of linking? will yer sex swing be involved?

    What makes you such a catch? you haven't sent me naked pics or anything.

  7. T-BIRD: I’ll get to you later.

    BEAST: The only reason I’m doing this is for the pressies.

    There will be a proper blogger wedding online following my selection.

    You can be the flower girl.

    I’ll buy you a Prada frock.

    IVD: You’ve fingered so many rings you couldn’t possibly fit another one.

    VICUS: Thank fuck for that.

    T-BIRD: Make up your mind.

    Knudsen or me?


    KNUDSEN: I don’t know about “linking” but according to T-Bird, there’ll be a lot of “licking.”

    The point of this exercise is to offer your personal qualities up to me on a silver platter.

    Not to interrogate me.

    I can tell you'd be the type who'd get on my nerves with all your yammering.

  8. This exercise is a cunning ploy to procure yourself a bitch on whom you may act out your dominatrix fantasies.

    Unfortunately I cannot assist as I am currently resident in Guantanamo Bay.

    How about SID? He likes being the whipping boy.

  9. I'm not available for marriage but I'll escort you up the aisle. Make sure you walk in a straightish line.

  10. GARFY: I thought you were currently resident at Pete’s Tavern.

    “Blogging Spouse” sounds so much nicer than “bitch” don’t you think?

    I can’t rely on you anyway what with your always running off on hols.

    GEOFF: It matters not that you are unavailable because of a “real life” marriage as this is strictly a blogging marriage.

    Unless…you’re in league with Vicus on this?

  11. Make sure that who ever the lucky guy is has a ton of money.

    and a bad cough.

  12. BOXER: A ton of money in his wallet?

    I shall look for a bulge in his trousers then.

  13. Mj Will you marrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

    Oh fuck it, I'm not used to toxic ooze. So if ya want me, from one bitch to another I think we'd be a perfect match (my ass your face)

  14. I "s'pouse" that I must recuse myself but I should think that the world will be beating a path to your doorstep.

    "When a problem comes along
    You must POP it
    Before the cream sits out too long
    You must POP it
    When something's going wrong
    You must POP it!"

    Is Polyandry legal in your neck of the woods? I should think that you'd be 'too much' for just one man.

  15. TATAS: *liberally sprays blog with fungicides and pesticides*

    HE: Pop it. Pop it good.

  16. sorry i win....

    i can fix your fucking car. i do laundry as well. nuff said

    all any woman needs is to hear that.

  17. I'm a confirmed bachelor but not of the kind who likes musical theatre.

    I do make a mean g&t - more g than t of course.

  18. VOICES: I don't have a car.


    BILLY: I despise gin.

    It's the only hooch I won't drink.

    IVD may be interested in you though despite your lack of show tune knowledge.

  19. I dont care if we are married , I am still not sending you pics of my nekkid ass

  20. I'm ruling myself out of this one, seeing as I have no insane desire to be your spouse.

    Gawd help the chosen one.

    If it turns out to be SID, will that require you installing an extra large trailer outside to accommodate him?

    And what about all the lard he'd require to keep him in his current shape?

  21. If I think about it long enough, I might come up with a reason....

    But Knudsen is the one with the stylish, pee'd upon cap. You two belong together as blogger spouses :-)

  22. BOXER: And oh the places I'll go.

    BEAST: Dear Mister "I am still not sending you pics of my nekkid ass."

    Come back tomorrow for Filthy Friday.

    My secret sources have been hard at work.

    PIGGY: In England you have those wee caravans but here we have double-wide and triple-wide mobile homes so accommodating Lard Arse himself will be no problem.

    But have you seen His SIDness lately? He's been on a crash diet and lost loads of weight.

    Pics to follow next week.

    NWT: I would have to share Knudsen with all those other weemen.

    His dance card is full.

  23. I certainly am interested in Billy. For the G&T, of course!

    As for my spousal skills, I'd be more than happy to be your housewife while you go out and earn the megabucks. For example, today I've done the cleaning, washing and made a cake. I've also found time to lounge around in the bath prettying myself up for-

    Oh. That's right. For no one.

    Ah, well. Think I'll have that G&T now, Billy.

    P.S. The Coven infiltration won't work - I don't know who that second T-Bird was, but it certainly wasn't the original teeterer atop the Hag Pillar!

  24. IVD: omg a T-Bird impersonator!

    Why would I consider you as a blogging spouse?

    You'd use up all the hot water!

    AND you'd be hogging Mirror all the time.

  25. Well, some of us aren't as naturally beautiful as-

    Ha! I was going to say "as naturally beautiful as you"! I think I've given myself a stitch from laughing so much.

  26. You can have my share of Knudson.

    ever since he passed the stone he does nothing but lie on the front porch trying to bite delivery people.
    float him in a sink filled with bavarian cream and he should plump right up again; that's what i've been doing.

    he likes it when you wear the large prosthesis, btw.

  27. IVD: I'll give you stiches, plural, if you don't shut it.

    FN: My home insurance doesn't cover bites from grumpy old codgers.

    I'll have to use the muzzle on him.

  28. *sighs despondantly*

    ALL the ring jokes have been done.

    Well, you could choose me, I am indepedantly wealthy, hung and in surprisingly good shape given the hammering I've given my body.

    *imagines smoking BC Bud in a hot summer in Canada, talking to Eskimos*

  29. no car eh? i can put new shoes on yer mule... goat?

  30. FROBI: You're hung? Let's have a pic of your dick.

    No wait. I know where it's been.

    You'd come for MJ but you'd stay for the Mounties, lumberjacks and hockey players.

    VOICES: Could you polish the runner and slats on my dog sled?

    Better yet, you could be my lead dog.

  31. I'm polishing my shoes so I can look spiffy when I attend the ceremony...assuming my cold gets better...

    Where will you be registering? The Salvation Army? the local Firearms Center? or the Crocs website?

  32. That's easy. Look at my page and the new color I have for Valentine's Day. I'm a romantic!

  33. MYTOES: Your ability to operate the remote with your toes is romance enough for any woman.

  34. Chose me MJ I want to be close to you in all your moist and wet places.

  35. BRAD: Good. You can start by fixing the leak in my pipes.

  36. lead dog? see im half way there to being the next mr... sure, only if i get to where the booties and eat raw mwat while i sleep outside in the snow naked! do i get an obligatory summer shave once a year... and finally would you mind if i sniff other peoples buttocks?

  37. VOICES: Raw mwat?

    Is that the meat/twat combo?

    Mmmm…good eatin’.

    You can sniff buttocks AND hump legs.

    Every once in awhile, I’ll throw you a bone.

  38. My toes are very talented. Great dexterity!!