Saturday, March 31, 2007

Arrival of the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts!

They’re here! They’re here! The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts arrived in the post!

NOTE: This is not the actual competition yet. It’s just a tease leading up to the big day when you’ll have YOUR chance to win The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts.

Most recently, The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts have rubbed up against the bare nasty bits of Stevey of Dorset and Stupid Irish Daddy SID.

Here’s our Stevey modeling The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts …

And feast your eyes on SID. PHWOAR!…

Where was I?

Oh yes. Overcome with lust by the knowledge that these very shorts had been close to Sex Gods Stevey and SID, the first thing I did when I got my hands on the package was to tear it open with my teeth and sniff the shorts.

Luckily, neither Stevey nor SID had washed the shorts since wearing them.

And don’t get me started on the stainage! Filthy bastards.

Long story short, I’ve been wearing The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts on my head all day.

How does The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Competition work?

One of these days I’ll post a photo of myself wearing The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts.

You submit a caption and the best caption (as picked by MJ) is the winner.

MJ then sends The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts to the winner.

The winner, in turn, must post a pic of themselves on their blog wearing The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts and so it continues.

It’s that simple!

YOU could be the next lucky winner of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts!

So many people (other than Steve and SID) have donned The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts in so many different countries that The Shorts deserve a posting of their own regarding their illustrious history.

So while I’m writing The History of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts and preparing the competition for you, stay tuned. I’ll get to it as soon as possible.

In the meantime, want to see a sample competition? Here’s Steve’s Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts posting including all the captions that were submitted. MJ’s winning entry was the poem, “A Fag Hag’s Christmas,” written about Steve’s wife Carly and her Christmas with Steve and Piggy.

If you’re new to the concept of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts and asking “eh?”… call the Elf Chat Line in Scunthorpe for more information…


  1. Yay! First!

    Get on with it then, you idle cunt.

    And no stretching this one out for weeks like that southern mong.

  2. PIGGY: I know you want to win.

    If only to have Steve's stainage next to your skin.

  3. His skid marks, you mean.

  4. That Elf Chat line is so funny.....

    Wonder if anyone will try and dial it!

    Can't wait to see the genius picture AND read the history!

  5. PIGGY: That's not what I'm chipping away at here.

    ANDI: I know at least one twat (who'll remain nameless) who will try to dial the Elf Chat Line number.

    EVERYONE: Andi's here!!!

    Andi (Andrea) is the Queen of the Elves.

    You're looking at the woman who created the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Competition.

    You'll learn more about her later.

    For now just bow down to her.

  6. I bow to no-one.*

    [[pokes Andi in the starfish as a compromise]]

    *=okay, I lied. I bow to Tazzy.

  7. PIGGY: 'Bow' as in 'bend over'

    And you forgot to mention 'kneel'

    I see the fabric on the knees of your trousers has worn away.

    ANDI: Ignore Piggy. He's dirty.

    And he covets the Elf Shorts.

  8. It's all just so exciting! To think of how many naughty parts have touched that fabric! I wonder how many people, like me, don't wear underwear?

    Perhaps we should start sending a pair of tongs out with them too? Or at least rubber gloves or something?

    I can't wait to see your pic.

  9. Well start posing! Don't forget to smile with your eyes. Work it!

  10. These shorts...... Are they cotton or polyester?

  11. Does it really matter, Eddie, when the interior is so filth encrusted?

  12. Ewww...I think I'm turning green...

  13. KIM: Welcome to another former winner of the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts!

    By the way, I slept with The Shorts last night.

    EDITH: I'm on the catwalk as we speak.

    EDDIE: 100% polyester.

    Why? Do you have allergies?

    Or do you only like the feel of certain fabrics next to your manhood?

    IVF: I'm still chipping away at the Steve and SID stains. I've had to use a chisel.

    WW: Green with envy. I know you want them.

  14. I like man made fabrics like nylon. I like to take a running jump at the bed and slide from top to bottom on the nylon sheets in a blue flash of static electricity.

    If you must know....I find it stimulating.

  15. Oh, I can't wait! Maybe a straight up all informative pic of YOU!! I have been dying to see you for the longest. Please give me life again.

    I gave up on my Sherlock Holmes investigation long ago.

  16. I like green shorts..... I like to run in green shorts too....

  17. Alasdair - Parts of me ran in the green shorts. Well more dribbled than ran, really!

    And yay! the cocksucker has the shorts. yay!yay! and thrice yay! for Royal Mail and their Canadian subordinates.

    There should be no SID stainage left in there at all - Carlly nibbled and chewed it all off as soon as we received them from the emerald isle!
    Any remaining stainage is all Stevey baby!

  18. Hey!Im 18th! Do I win some shorts oe something?

  19. EDDIE: The blue flash of static electricity makes you appear every inch the Superhero.

    What are your special powers?

    AWA: Obviously the clown pic on Piggy’s blog didn’t satisfy you.

    ALASDAIR: If you have your heart set on winning The Shorts don’t read Steve’s comment.

    STEVE: I should bitch slap that Carly for spoiling my pleasure. But obviously she shares my love of filthy Irish hooers so I’ll let it go this time. Besides, SID FedExes his dirty laundry to me every month to satisfy my deviant desires.

    *notes that Steve spelled his wife Carly's name incorrectly. Hopes Carly bitch slaps Stevey*

    TONY: Why don’t you call the Elf Chat Line to find out?

  20. i can't believe they shipped those across international boundaries. they won't even let nail clippers or shampoo onto a plane but hazardous biological waste? step aside! let it through! would you like a mint to go with that?
    lets all think twice next time we're in a position (face downwards in boiled rice, grasping the bedposts, bridle in place) to rely on international security, shall we?

  21. FN: I bet the sniffer dogs had a field day with The Shorts!

    If those vile Pork Scratchings that Tazzy and Piggy sent me got through Customs, anything can.

  22. Ah The National Elf Service !

  23. Steve: Even the bloody bit?


    Come on then MJ show us what your made of and if its especially filthy,I will return the antibiotic cream you sent me.

    PS: It worked wonders.Thanks.


  24. TONY: The NES can also rid you of your Elfenpox.

    SID: At last my man slave is back. Lazy fecker.

    Despite your belated good wishes and your usual penchant for filth, I won't return the ointment as you'll be needing it again in near future if I get my mitts on you.

  25. OK!

    I shall return the pubes though.

  26. SID: So that I might floss my teeth with them.

  27. SID: I may only have 2 but I can still give you a nasty bite on the arse.

    Of course I could always remove them and give you a good gumming.

  28. Hmmmm Cum Gums!

    Suck it to me.

  29. SID: Aren't you forgetting who gives the orders around here?

    You've been away too long.

    Don't make me get rough with you, you filthy little Irish bitch slut.

    SID look out he cums MJ with that control thing again.
    *quickly runs as MJ grabs whip*

  31. GEO: Don't laugh, trucker boy. You could be next.

    Come back here Monday to see what I'm talking about.

  32. Alas, I am not satisfied. Need more in order to feel better.

    Now, don't forget, full head shot, who cares about the shorts!

  33. AWA: Mustn't tell Mistress MJ what to do. Besides, The Shorts are the focus. Not the person in them. When YOU win them you can pose with them as you please.

  34. Noooo.... puhlease! I have waited so long to unravel the mystery that is MJ!

    And, alas I am up late...because...

    Heck I dont know.

  35. Wow, I really can't believe this thing is still going! I'm sure I've missed a couple of winners as I've been absent from blogging for about a year, so I'm looking forward to the round up! (FYI -I'm the original crotch-stainer from when this competition started. After Mr Knapp, of course)

  36. AWA: If you'd have been sober and paying attention, you'd have seen my pic on Piggy's blog and another different pic of me on SID's blog around that same time. So that's enough of your whining.

    FRALLY: Welcome Frally!

    Your stain was impossible to remove so I'm leaving it for the next lucky winner.

    And you'll be mentioned in "The Definitive History of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts."

    Nice to meet you.