Monday, December 10, 2007


No time to read?

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (as told by Book-A-Minute)

Ebenezer Scrooge:

Bah, humbug. You'll work thirty-eight hours on Christmas Day, keep the heat at five degrees, and like it.

Ghost of Jacob Marley:

Ebenezer Scrooge, three ghosts of Christmas will come and tell you you're mean.

Three Ghosts of Christmas:

You're mean.

Ebenezer Scrooge:

At last, I have seen the light. Let's dance in the streets. Have some money.

I’ve just finished reading The Religion by Tim Willocks at 640 pages…

… and World Without End by Ken Follett at a whopping 1111 pages...

Where was Book-A-Minute when I needed it?

Which book would you like to condense down to a minute’s read?

And try your hand at it yourself, if you like. Write a quick summary for us of a book you’ve read…if you’ve got a minute, that is.


  1. I like the way you assume yer readers read books, somehow I doubt it.

  2. "The Interpretation of Murder" by Jed Rubenfield.

    Sigmund Freud goes to New York, wets himself, says all the murders happen because everyone wants to shag their mother.
    (529 pages)

  3. The Bible.

    Your going to Hell.

    I'm not.

  4. KNUDSEN: Like you, my readers enjoy short books with lots of pictures.

    KAZ: Would you read this dressed only in your flimsy “Freudian slip?”

    SID: The Bible?

    It’s the greatest Irish book of all time.

  5. All of Dickens condensed into one minute.


    "No, fuck off, a minute's plenty."

    ...actually I'm quite happy watching tv adaptations of the Classics now. Life's too short.

  6. GEOFF: Have you been to Dickens World yet?

    Because who wouldn’t want to experience the sights and SMELLS of 19th century London?

  7. The Bible


    I hate You.

    Well I hate you too. And you're going to like it.

    Yes, Dad.


    I love You.

    I love you too.

    *That's better.*

  8. JUN: Welcome to Infomaniac!

    I feel all sanctified now.

    Can I get an amen?

  9. AMEN BITCH!!!!!

    Read? You've gotta be joking, I have a house and garden to contend, and with Connie and our two inmates I've just about got time to throw up a few posts(not garden posts either) and wipe my ass.

    Now fuck off and get back to your book.

  10. TATAS: I see your point.

    Your posts really do look like they were thrown up.

    Doesn't Connie wipe your arse for you?

  11. No, but we went to the old Dickens Centre when it was still in Rochester. It went a couple of years ago which leaves the castle and the cathedral as the only places worth visiting in the city. Unless they've now got a blue plaque on Kelly Brook's old house.

    There's a bookshop in Rochester which captures the smells of 19th century London.

  12. I quite like the pop up edition of the Kama Sutra.

  13. Geoff: Sorry to correct you but Rochester isn't a city but is part of the Medway Towns which was proposed to become a city. They got turned down.

    After all why should the capital of Chavs, Chatham, become a bloody city?

    BTW I used to live ten minutes up the road from where Dickens World is situated.

    MJ: My book is The Lord of the Rings.

    Oooh pretty ring.

    I'm hungry.


  14. GEOFF: Regarding the bookshop smells, you're a step ahead of me.

    See tomorrow's posting.

    GARFY: I bet it makes something else pop up when you read it.

    Could you arrange to have yourself photographed in the various poses and post these on your blog?

    CONNIE: Lord of the Cock Rings, in your case.

  15. Watership Down:

    Right then, we're off to find a new home.

    How about here?

    Nope, those Neo-Nazis can fuck off.

    (Late) Ah, this seems like a good spot? Now I'm horny! Who brought the wo...fuck!

    Let's ask them over there.

    Fuck! What's up with little Kim Jong Il, what a prick.

    Hey now! Settle down. No? Ok, take THAT then, fucker!

    Yay, we win! Now about that shag...

  16. Here's my summary of World Without End in 13 words:

    Exactly the same plot AND characters as Pillars Of The Earth. The End.

  17. Great! Now I've got to read TWO books?

  18. RIMMER: Thanks for the translation as I don't speak Lapine.

    CB: Exactly, but with a special guest appearance by The Black Plague.

  19. MiddleSex by Jeffrey Eugenides. Wah wah...true story about a hermaphodite bla bla big cry baby using big words. You need a dictionary for every other word. Good story, way too hard to read.

  20. WAITRESS: Apparently hermaphrodites want to be called "intersex" these days.

    I can't keep up.

  21. The Collected Work of E. E. Cummings
    Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard

    i j(ust !
    b0.u )
    g a ne w &



    : buti(twon)tma


    ke cap
    lett Ers -


  22. RIMMER: Ooo, you snuck in there, you dirty dog.

    I hope this includes Tom, the ballet as well.

  23. RIMMER: p.s. SID's "v" button on his keyboard is busted, resulting in typing not unlike that seen in your example.

  24. Carrie, by Stephen King:

    Plug it up, Carrie White!

    Why am I so weird? Oh, it must be my raving loony, religious nut mother.
    Bugger: I'm covered in pigs blood. That'll teach me for going to the prom with someone else's hot boyfriend.
    Oh well, I think I'll kill everyone with my insidious mind powers.
    Shit: Forgot to turn off the 'Hail of Stones', now I'm dead, too.

  25. IVD: And, like Carrie, did your classmates throw used tampons at you when you got your first period?

  26. The Big Book of Braille.

    . .. ... ::: .. .... .....
    ... ..:: ... ....::: .....

    :: ...::


  27. The Bumper Book of Non Verbal Communication.

    Wink Wink

    Cross leg.

    Nudge,wink,nudge nudge.

    Roll eyes.


  28. Piggy's Autobiography.


    The End

  29. DIY for Beginners


    Fuck it!!

    Phone a joiner.

  30. I like the pop-up bible, I'm I the only one who gets aroused when Lot gets raped by his daughters?

  31. MJ: Lord of the cock ring? Connie is more of a king when it comes to cock.

  32. SID: As much as I hate to admit this, you are both funny and clever.

    Too bad, though, about your fat arse.

    And the fact that you can’t see “Wee SID” when you stand nekkid in the shower.

    KNUDSEN: I don’t think you’re alone.

    Everybody elses’ copies have the pages stuck together.

    TATAS: Caulking?

    Connie’s handy with the DIY?

  33. Bit you? you need more of a bitch slapping.

  34. bollocks, BITE. I knew what I meant.

  35. TATAS: "I knew what I meant."

    You're the only one who does.