Tuesday, December 18, 2007

How Not to Decorate

Welcome to the second installment in Infomaniac’s new series entitled, “How Not to Decorate.”

This series is your window of opportunity to view some of my ghastly home decor.

Todays topic…


Chez Infomaniac there are exterior garden gnomes (pictured above) AND interior gnomes.

Voice your opinions on gnomes here.

Note: Do you have an item in your house that can top my gnome for its crap design appeal?

Email a photo of it to me and I’ll collect enough pics to do a posting of Infomaniac readers’ shite. So far one reader has made a submission. Keep ‘em coming.


  1. Gnomes or Redcaps inhabit my garden too, I shall send you a picture.

  2. Is that MJ batter on his wee hood?


  3. KNUDSEN: Over here, railway porters (baggage carriers) are referred to as redcaps.

    What are you growing in that garden of yours?

    SID: No, it is NOT MJ batter on his wee hood.

    *notes that his wee hood resembles Wee SID*

  4. I could send you photos of my Tretchikoffs - but I think that they are retro ironic good taste these days.

    I didn't know you lived in the forest.

  5. I once knew a Gnome - really nice little fella!!

  6. KAZ: I, too, have Tretchikoffs (hanging next to my portrait of Tazzy and Piggy) and for your “retro ironic good taste” reason, haven’t included them in my How Not to Decorate series.

    I have plenty of just plain bad taste items in my home to post in their place.

    I live in a temperate rainforest. Though it doesn’t suit my good temperament.

    MUTLEY: Your photo tells another story!

    PIGGY: SID is much fatter.

    But that red cap really does look like “Wee SID”…only smaller.

  7. I'd love to comment but I'm feeling gnomic.

  8. RIMMER: Click your heels together and repeat after me, "There's no place like gnome."

    Better gnomic
    Than coxcombic.

  9. The Laughing Gnome
    Artist:David Bowie

    I was walking down the High Street
    When I heard footsteps behind me
    And there was a little old man (Hello)
    In scarlet and grey, shuffling away (laughter)
    Well he trotted back to my house
    And he sat beside the telly (Oaah..)
    With his tiny hands on his tummy
    Chuckling away, laughing all day (laughter)

    Oh, I ought to report you to the Gnome office
    (Gnome Office)

    Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
    "I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me"
    Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
    "I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me"
    Said the laughing Gnome

    Well I gave him roasted toadstools and a glass of dandelion wine (Burp, pardon)
    Then I put him on a train to Eastbourne
    Carried his bag and gave him a fag
    (Haven't you got a light boy?)
    "Here, where do you come from?"
    (Gnome-man's land, hahihihi)
    "Oh, really?"

    In the morning when I woke up
    He was sitting on the edge of my bed
    With his brother whose name was Fred
    He'd bought him along to sing me a song

    Right, let's hear it
    Here, what's that clicking noise?
    (That's Fred, he's a "metrognome", haha)

    Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
    "I'm a laughing Gnome and you don't catch me"
    Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
    "I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me"

    (Own up, I'm a gnome, ain't I right, haha)
    "Haven't you got a gnome to go to?"
    (No, we're gnomads)
    "Didn't they teach you to get your hair cut at school? you look like a rolling gnome."
    (No, not at the London School of Ecognomics)

    Now they're staying up the chimney
    And we're living on caviar and honey (hooray!)
    Cause they're earning me lots of money
    Writing comedy prose for radio shows
    It's the-er (what?)
    It's the Gnome service of course

    Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
    "I'm a laughing Gnome and you don't catch me"
    Ha ha ha, oh, dear me

    (Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
    "I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me"
    Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
    "I'm a laughing Gnome and you can't catch me")

    (One more time, yeah)

  10. RIMMER:
    Watch your gonads
    Around the gnomads.

  11. Oh dear clearly you have violated The International Gnome Act of 1937 that clearly states that you must be at least 60 years of age or a pensioner to possess gnomes of any variety, shape or size.

    It goes on to say that 39 days before you turn 60 you can apply for a special gnome permit (be aware that each type of gnome may require a different permit and such must be obtained before purchase). Please call 1-800-gnome for more info.

    Is it just crimbo gnomes or do you have all year round gnomes too?

  12. Cheerful wee shite isn't he?

    There's snow gnome like home!

  13. shrinkage.
    when the weathers' nice it turns into a sasquatch.

    i know what i mean, dammit.

  14. How topical. Last week, a scary looking gnome appeared on the neighbour's barbecue. I'm sure it watches me through narrowed eyes as I leave the house for work in the morning.

    I keep meaning to push it off onto the patio, so it smashes into a thousand pieces, but I think it has a devilment upon it: I'll wake up in the morning with it standing at the foot of my bed, a hideous grin on it's hateful face.

  15. CYBERPOO: I phoned 1-800-GNOME and got IVD on the line trying to chat me up.

    Just as I was about to give him my credit card number, he recognized my voice, screamed like a girl, and hung up.

    SID: He’s a cute wee sgnome-man.

    Let’s hope that nobody gnomo-phobic comes along.

    FN: Sasquatch aka Big Foot.

    And you know what they say about big feet.

    IVD: Stephen King wants to pick your brain for his next book.

  16. OOOOOPS! Wrong phone number

    sorry to have given yours out IDV but at least you may drum up some business and with a charge of £4.50 per minute I'm sure you'll be able to afford proper gnome security for next year

  17. I'm gnome alone, hence the Jack Daniels.

  18. GARFY: Gnome alone but not gnomeless.

    Next time you are gnome alone
    Take a hit of Naughty Gnome.

    This one not this one.

  19. The gnome picture is now my desktop wallpaper.

  20. RIMMER: Your arse photo is my wallpaper.

  21. GARFY: In the words of Thomas Wolfe, "Look gnomeward, Angel."

  22. A gnome in the hand is worth two in the bush.

    Thus spake Jack.

  23. GARFY: I'm not touching THAT one!

    Gnome-man is an island.

  24. That's left me feeling gnomeplussed.

  25. GARFY: That's a gnome-sequitur.

  26. London has a Millenium Gnome. It goes down a treat.

  27. How can anyone not love gnomes? They're so cute.

  28. GARFY: SID has a chrome gnome.

  29. EMMA: Hello! Snuck in there, did ya?

    Gnome matter.

  30. You have to watch these sidling gnome fanciers, especially when they're as lovely as Emma.

    I am gnomestruck.

  31. GARFY: Lovely, yes...speaking of a bird in the hand.

    Well gnome more from me. I'm going out for the evening.

  32. Gnomes for the memory.

    Enjoy the drizzle.

  33. You guys are like metrognomes with your back-and-forth, highly intelligent & entertaining banter.

    It's mind-gnoming.

    I think my ex-wife sold our gnomes on E-bay for about 5 cents each, and my camera battery's dead.

    I'll find something else to take a pic of and send it along, but there's no competing with gnomes.

  34. remember: gnomatter what, this IS mj's blog. as such it is only gnominally amusing at best.

  35. And where the fuck is my wind-up lederhosen?

    Lawyers will be notified and guys with names like Vinnie the Knee will be contacted.

  36. Gnome, gnome on the range...

    Where never is heard, a discouraging word... Wait a second... this is MJ's blog.

    Fuck it.

    And you got a snowjob. Good for you.

  37. WW: Your ex-wife sold your gnomes on eBay for about 5 cents each?

    Grounds for divorce!

    FN: I’ll have you declared “gnome compos mentis.”

    RIMMER: Oh geez, the windup hopping lederhosen.

    Don’t whack me, I’ll get round to it!

    All due respect.

    NWT: When in Gnome, do as the Gnomans do.

  38. um.
    so... if i like gnomes i'll be in trouble?