Sunday, December 23, 2007

Household Hints

With the help taking time off for the holidays, I’m forced to do the housework myself.

So I’m enlisting you bitches to submit your best household tips for cleaning a home from top to bottom.

For example, I heard that to clean the caulking around the bathtub, you should fill a spray bottle with Smirnoff Vodka, spray the caulking, wait five minutes, and wash the tub clean.

Well, you know where this story’s going. I got more Vodka in me than in the tub, therefore no more housework was accomplished for the rest of the day.

You can see I need some assistance here.

*considers serving copious amounts of alcohol to guests so they don’t notice the dust bunnies*


  1. Make sure I don't spill in the first place.

    Untidy bitch!

    wv dcgmj


  2. To make your bathroom taps and showerhead sparkle, wipe them with some kitchen roll and a dab of baby lotion. They'll shine like they did when they were new! To make it look as if you actually cleaned out the bath as well, swill all the pubic hairs down the plughole!

    Well, bollocks to that really. You know what they say - tidy house, empty mind.

  3. Boy do I have the tip for you MJ

    Personally I use these fellas

    Merry Christmas bitch! I love you!

  4. Stop waiting for others to give you labour saving tips, and get on and do it, you idle hussy. The state of your oven is disgraceful, particularly when one considers that you are too fucking idle to have cooked anything in it for the last 14 years, you lazy trollop. So get down on your knees and scrub that linoleum, and make me a fucking cup of tea while you're at it.
    I hope that this helps.

  5. The best (and cheapest) cure for dirty metal objects is Coca Cola.

    It'll make your callipers sparkle like the day they were first fitted.

    It wont stop the noise when they clang together though.

  6. Funny you should mention this, MJ. I've just posted one or two tips over at mine...

  7. I've been reading about the Queen and the (RIP) Queen Mother's favourite tipple: Gin and Dubonnet. One part gin to one part Dubonnet with a twist of lemon peel.

    Between them they've lived 190 years and in all that time not a single second of housework was ever done by either.

  8. SID: If you’d wear this, you could spill to your heart’s content.

    BETTY: To solve the public-hair-clogging-the-drain-dilemma, I’ll have a Brazilian wax.

    CYBERQUEEN: Does he get his hose out to do windows?

    Merry Christmas, you loveable little Danish pastry.

    VICUS: Since you have nothing better to do, I’m handing you a frilly apron and YOU’LL be the one down on all fours and you’ll bloody well like it.

    Here’s your fucking cup of tea. You’ll need something to keep your tongue moist as you lick my boots clean.

    I’m sending you over to Betty’s when I through with you.

    IVD: *smashes all the mirrors*

    I’ll get you, my pretty! And your other personalities too!

    GEOFF: Sage advice as I abhor gin and wouldn’t touch a drop as I shine my chandelier.

    Isn’t it almost time for the Queen's Speech? We watch it here in The Colonies, you know. Though I’ve heard she’s going all YouTube on us this year.

  9. PIGGY: Apologies. I've grown so used to you being unlinkable, I skipped right over you.

    Do you use the Coca-Cola to clean your dentures?

  10. BETTY: That should read "pubic" hair, not "public" hair.

  11. I don't have dentures. I do, however, have a really nice cock.

    And no, I haven't dipped it in cola of any variety.

  12. I'm drunk.


    I don't think I meant to say that.

  13. PIGGY: I see that you dipped your cock in ink to sign this year's Crimbo card to me.

    Although the writing is so small I had to use a magnifying glass to know it's from you.

    Thank you for your warm gesture. As usual, I'm too much of a lazy cunt to send out cards as you've noticed by now.

    Continue to drink and let us know where else you've dipped your cock.

  14. what the fuck? its Christmas why all the fucking cleaning? is this some canuck tradition? Christmas is just a scam to make you buy cleaning products, what about Jeebus I ask you was the stable clean? no it wasn't so therefore you are going against god with yer evil rubbing and polishing ways, its no accident that polishing and Polish as in the Slav are both evil, Tony knows the anti-christ personally.
    Heres a joke for you at this yuletide (whatever that means) what do you call a half irish half Polish cleaning lady? an abomination against God hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, fuck i'm funny today. I'm funny everyday but today boy have I got it, no not the clap but I do have a scaley rash and my wormhole itches.

  15., i was going to say something but THAT little exchange put it right out of my head.
    do tell!

    (merry christmas, Little Single Malt!)

  16. KNUDSEN: Tony, like Piggy and Tazzy, has shut down his blog 'til after Christmas. Lazy cunts, all of them. Why can't they do 3 posts a day like you?

    Are you still sitting there typing? You'd better clear out before I mistake you for the furniture and polish yer knob.

    FN: Shouldn't you be slaving over a hot stove baking me cookies?

    Merry Christmas, American bitch.

  17. Tip number one: I find that if I stay sober and lay off the alcohol, I get more done...and as a reward for all my hard work, I get plastered!

    Tip number two: I find that music such as Pachelbel's Canon D or 1970s Rock makes such activities fun.

    Tip number three: If you can't remember the last time you've used it, then maybe it's time to either toss it out, or give it up to someone who may enjoy it ;)

    Tip number four: Remember to use protection.

    Merry Xmas and Happy New Year, MJ!!!

  18. BINGOWINGS: Zydeco music works best for me as accompaniment to housework but I'll give your suggestions a go.

    CyberPete wants to make you his Cleaning Hunk.

  19. happy christmas is about all I would advice you use smirnoff for.....

  20. MANUEL: Happy Christmas, Manuel.

    I had a momentary lapse in taste recently and gave my friends a bottle of Smirnoff as a host gift.

    I was wondering why they hadn't called lately.

  21. Another thing that works really well for me though is dressing up in that little pink number I showed you when discussing my bed, full on with stilettos and a feather boa

    Pop on Kylie X and start cleaning

  22. CYBERPETE: Our housework styles are remarkably similar.

    I'll say no more.