Today’s submission comes to us from First Nations in Washington State, USA.
Embrace the corndog
But before we get to Nations' favourite post, you need to know more about her. If you’re not reading her blog, you should start today. Because I said so and you’ll see why when you click upon it’s greatness. Soon you will worship her.
First of all, Nations calls her blog “Paul. Because ‘Paul’ is a nice name.”
Despite calling her blog ‘PAUL’, Nations is really a woman. I know this because she has huge F-cup gazongas that she wields like weapons.
She misuses prescription drugs.
She has hot WHUMPA WHUMPA unsafe sex with her husband. While she’s thinking about John Cleese.
John Cleese in a bikini
She has had adventures that no television or movie producer has ever dreamed of.
She wears a “Fuck Off and Die” t-shirt … in the rain. (Wet t-shirt alert!)
She has mastered the ladylike art of high-velocity spit-hocking.
She writes porn and swears in the street.
She climbs fences and flips people off.
She hoards pens and pencils and weird shit off the sidewalk.
She has a big, oversized brain…
Nations’ brain is so big it requires separate housing outside her body!
Despite having a giant brain, she will not talk down to you if you are not as smart as she is.
Unless you are a DIPSHIT.
If you are a DIPSHIT, she will call you a DIPSHIT.
If you’re a conservative or a fundamentalist, run from her. Run from her now and run from her fast. Don’t look at me like that and say, “Yeah, right” because I mean it.
Nations: ready to kick Fundamentalist ass
Do NOT yodel around her. I found this out the hard way.
Nations takes down MJ after MJ commits the sin of yodeling.
“That’s all well and good,” you say, “but what can she do for me?”
I’m glad you asked.
Nations can teach you the following and MORE…
- how to cook breadlike objects
- how to improve upon the Wendy's Spicy Baconburger
- how to repair a Harley
- how to take care of your poontang (hint: It should not smell or taste like whats' in that coffee can your Uncle keeps in his truck)
- how to keep flying babies out of your yard
- reveal the secret of Freemasonry
And finally and perhaps most importantly, Nations can teach you how to turn your old toilet into a lovely garden planter.
YES, ALL THIS PLUS ART HISTORY AND RELIGIOUS STUDIES!
Now we’ll get to the point of this posting which is to show you Nations’ favourite post that she’s written in her illustrious blogging career.
CLICK HERE to read Nations’ fave post entitled, “the first word in methane is ‘me’, baby.”
firsst!!! and i'll be back tommorow... smashed my finger into cool hamberger like bits this afternooon.. cant hit the return button, will have to make three rights to finish this left... what? since i said no to the prescription drugs that nations so enjoys, my doctor said "i think you should definitly have more than one beer tonight..."
ReplyDelete*tries to follow doctors orders and pounds seventh beer*
Bollocks! I wanted to be first, for once.
ReplyDeleteAnyway...
Never mind FN's fave post. What I want to know is - What does 'unfsafe' mean?
VOICES: You could have said "yes" to the prescription drugs and given them to Nations, you selfish bastard.
ReplyDeletePIGGY: 'Unsafe' sex means Nations and her husband do it without their helmets on.
First Nations is funny! My fave post has to be Judith and Holofernes, religious art history and a Sunday School lesson all rolled up into one!
ReplyDeleteThat's all well and good, but how does she look in elf shorts?
ReplyDeleteEROS: In that Judith and Holofernes posting there’s a good example of something else that Nations excels at.
ReplyDeleteNamely, onomatopoeia.
For example… "uaaaaaghlllak, gurglegurgleackgagsplut!"
BOB: We won’t know how Nations looks in The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts until she wins them.
Maybe she’ll get lucky and remove them from the loins of our resident Dane, CyberPoof, when he finally holds The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Competition.
I’ll be announcing the competition, by the way, when he’s ready.
*crushes thirteenth can with left hand and thinks it a good idea to have another*
ReplyDeletewhat? me drugs??? oh no... wrong guy, i drink there for i dont need drugs. at least the ones doctors prescribe.
*opens fourteenth beer with teeth*
and vics and codine are for kids... sorry nations no extra scrips here...
first nations rocks! but i swear, sugar, that tat must have hurt like hell, it's so detailed!
ReplyDeletexoxo
Quote "She has hot WHUMPA WHUMPA unfsafe sex"
ReplyDeleteI ask again, what does 'unfsafe' mean?
Thick bitch.
I am heading right over there now. I think I am going to be a fan. I just hope I don't fall into the dipshit category...
ReplyDeleteFN as she lets me call her is a good pal of mine who I once stayed with. I made the mistake of walking in on her and her hubby (a well endowed fella) bumping uglies in a grotesque and animalistic manner which caused my sensitive Presbyterian eyes to go blind for 3 hours, I call that most unsafe.
ReplyDeleteFirst, the fact you graced my blog with your crotch is insane. How will my fans ever recover? Hell, how will I ever recover?! Can I throw roses all over you and that damn bottle? Okay, thank you. Here we go. I'm going to use pink. Lots and lots of pink. You'll smell terrific. It's actually the roses honey. I don't wear perfume. I have allergies in addition to imaginary strokes. Yes, I know, my life is pathetic, but my friends remind me I'm lucky to be alive.
ReplyDeleteWelcome dear friend. Stop by often, but for God sakes, put something over that beer bottle...this is a classy joint. It is? Right? Yup, it is. I'm laughing too hard to research that, so will just agree with myself.
Ya know what's so funny? My blog became exactly what I wanted. Diverse! Like a great artist's salon of the late 19th century. But please try not to corrupt my regulars. If you do, I guess they were already corruptable. (Is that even a word?) Oh, and honey the Cafe is The Wild Onion. See my blog roll. If you want to join, just give a shout out to Cecile. Hey, I.V. is a member...we can't be all bad!
Welcome dear friend. I want to see my rose award on your blog!!! Of course I'm lauging.
XO
I bet FN can do scalpings and stuff. I'd want her on my side in a fight.
ReplyDeletePity she's a hippy ecomentalist as this prevents her exploiting her Kung Fu powers to the full.
Miss FN educates us on a breadth of subjects from plants , flying baby heads to geriatric restroom behaviours>When the going gets tough she is guarunteed to whip her tshirt off and lead us in battle.She is the Helen of Troy of the North West
ReplyDeleteVOICES: Haven’t you passed out yet?
ReplyDeleteIt’s all that beer that makes you pee every time you visit here, you know.
SAVANNAH: They give you a corndog to suck on for the pain.
PIGGY: Right, spelling error noted and soon to be corrected.
If you had Satanic cramps from hell, you’d be lucky you could sit upright to type.
*leaves footprint up Piggy’s arse and plans revenge for Filthy Friday*
T-BIRD: You’re no dipshit but since you’re from Australia, don’t trail any sheepshit onto her blog.
KNUDSEN: Did you get down on your knees immediately and ask for forgiveness?
Oh wait. That’s the Fenian way.
SUZANNE: I want to see your rose award on Old Knudsen’s blog.
Old Knudsen’s a fine, sensitive chap who likes to stop and smell the roses.
Or smell women who smell like roses.
GARFY: Have you noticed that Piggy and Tazzy are bald?
Those were examples of her special “Scalping Lite”.
BEAST: Now that you’re another year older, you’re going to need to study up on those geriatric restroom behaviours.
She's a lovely Pocahontas, isn't she?
ReplyDeleteShe writes porn? - Cool man,
ReplyDeleteAlways been one of my goals, but dammit i never get very far...
"She reached for his wangle from the confines of her electric chair, pulling at her leg braces as she does; he leans forward a little, just within reach of her prosthetic steel claw. He is engorged and ready to explode with.... "
And then I have to go off and 'take matters into my own hand(s).
Seriously, it's exhausting and a real barrier to fame as a porno writer.
The things we just have to live with i guess.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSorry, double commented, got soooo over excited.
ReplyDeleteMAGO: But unlike Pocahontas, Nations can't be Disneyfied.
ReplyDeleteHERGE: Remember to remove your cock ring before you approach the electric chair.
Cum again!
her toilet runneth over with the goodness of the gods...
ReplyDeleteVOICES: Her garden is a cornucopia.
ReplyDeleteAnd you hold the Horn of Plenty.
wow MJ, you are indeed an awesome blogger pimp. i can't wait to check out her blog.
ReplyDeleteshe sounds completely awesome!
Hush you!
ReplyDeleteDon't go bringing up TFGES
Besides I still don't have the picture that shows where they have been.
No picture, no compo
FN - you rule!
or rack, I mean rock!
ReplyDeleteIt's all up to you.
CHER: "Blogger pimp"... yes the shoe fits.
ReplyDeleteAnd you're all my bitches.
CYBERPOOF: Irack or Irock?
mj-do you use msn?
ReplyDeleteby the way, i just got that milkman link now and laughed my friggin ass off. which is awesome, because i was just about to do some cardio, but i guess i'll just skip it and hit the breastpump instead.
That is indeed the question MJ
ReplyDeleteWhoa! What an introduction! I need to check out this Nations chick immediately!
ReplyDeleteBecause just today, I was thinking I need to figure out how to keep flying babies out of my yard, keep those friggin Fundamentalists off my back, AND learn Freemasonry. Who knew that there is this chick with a blog and rockin' tattoo that can help me!?!?
CHER: I just say "no" to msn.
ReplyDeleteGo milk those jugs, baby!
CYBERPOOF: Any more questions?
No. Don't ask. I have to get back to work.
RANDOM: While you are visiting the shrine of First Nations, it would be appropriate to leave fruit, flowers, and a bottle of Jim Beam.
I'm disturbed by FN's Sunday post. I only hope Beaky doesn't read it and get ideas that it's OK to enter my home and crap everywhere.
ReplyDeleteAWOOOGA! AWOOOGA!
ReplyDeleteShit! Now you're in my STC, too, MJ.
blogging pimptress, would that be the five inch heel that you are referring to as the "shoe that fits"?
ReplyDeleteIDV: You know, when I was about five my brother got this yellow canary bird. It didn't take long to train it to do things.
ReplyDeleteThen one day my brother left the door to the cage open while he was cleaning it and it flew out and shat (isn't that past tense of shit?) all over the house.
The next day the bird was gone and we never got a new one.
*blush!*
ReplyDeletepiggy and tazzy: 'unsafe sex' means without a net. at least here. and no silencer. or eye protection. or a cup. and things catch on fire.
*engages in all out tug of war with voices for the vicodin, takes off shoe, applies to to voices injured finger repeatedly*
ReplyDeleteGIVE IT BITCH!!!
*wrestles shoe from nations and flushes it down her toilet planter*
ReplyDeleteHAH!
*runs, fearing for life*
Sorry FN.
ReplyDeleteMJ do you have somewhere the pic of Cleese and his then-wife as "Mr. and Mrs. Atilla the Hun"? I saw it once in a journal but was not able to locate it on the web.
Now keep on slapping bitches.
Where can I get a copy of Herge Smith's writings?
ReplyDeleteMeow!
miss me?
ReplyDeleteIVD: I hope Beaky craps on your paysho.
ReplyDeleteVOICES: Why yes! How did you guess?
You must be Prince Charming.
Now bend over while I reinsert the heel of my stiletto.
CYBERPOOF: Your life has been one tragedy after another.
I know why the caged bird shits.
NATIONS & VOICES: Take it outside.
MAGO: If you’re referring to Alice, the answer is yes.
T-BIRD: In any public washroom.
CHER: How long does it take to pump your manboobs?
**peeks in, working... and needs a drink**
ReplyDeleteAlice? Sorry, I've run out of spirits - no more MuellerThurgau here.
ReplyDeleteIt's just a damn picture of the Huns, as we know them: Nice people, salt of the earth, aw, where's that pottyplant ... dung ... later ...
BOXER: See note to Mago.
ReplyDeleteMAGO: Bring that Müller-Thurgau ‘round here tomorrow.
Party here for a friend of yours.
I’m saying no more for now.
the milk hasn't come in yet, so that's not really a fair question
ReplyDeleteI accept your apology, Mago, and demand another at once! unless you have some oxycontin...or some pentathol? shit i love that stuff. vicodin? valium? tequila?
ReplyDeletediazepam?
beer?
my other shoe?
FN
ReplyDeleteApology?
First Nations is an astonishing writer.
ReplyDeleteShe can sling obscenity-laced, vitriolic, diatribes with the very best of them while at the same time making your head spin with insightful, immaculately, researched and balanced lightbulb moments.
She is awesome.
I have never seen anyone balance on the beam like she does.
She is in a league of her own.