Saturday, May 24, 2008

Old Poofs’ Home

Are you a gay who’s going grey?

A poof with snow on the roof?

Have we got a place for you!


Come on in!

Join our hosts Tazzy and Piggy (two aging poofs from Yorkshire) for a tour of this exceptional gay retirement home.

You pause on the front step, looking perplexed as there’s nothing resembling a doorbell or a knocker.

“Simpleton,” sniffs Piggy. “See that letter slot in the door at hip height? Just slip your todger through the slot and we’ll cum to greet you.”

Once inside, a portrait of Quentin Crisp greets you in the grand entrance hall.

Quentin Crisp

Photos of dead gay icons line the walls of your new home. They’re all here: Judy Garland, Oscar Wilde, Liberace, Joan Rivers… oh wait, she’s still got a few years left on that face lift.

Tazzy and Piggy lead you to the communal “living” room where you’ll find all your old gay friends.

“Lawks!” screams a freakishly tall, rake-thin figure as he bumps his head on the ceiling.

Gasp! Its IVD!

(The Home was designed by Piggy, who, by the way, is a Pygmy… a ginger Pygmy, actually. Anyway, Pygmies have no concept that the rest of the world might be over 4 feet 11 inches tall so the freakishly tall IVD is having difficulty getting about in his new home.)

Why, you ask, is the relatively young IVD living in a home for aging poofs?

IVD is only in his LATE thirties but he’s developed an old lady’s taste as seen here…

IVD’s twee little cakes. Perfect to serve at the old poofs’ home with tea and a game of bridge.

As we scan the room, we see more familiar faces.

Why, there’s Mr. Frobisher! And he’s made a friend!...

Frobi (right with feathered mask) with unidentified friend on left. Perhaps we should have called it a “Camp” instead of a Home?

Old Knudsen appears to be disoriented…

I’m not ghey! Where’s the gurlyboys?

“What about activities and events?” you inquire.

We’re glad you asked.

Come along to the spa and relax in the hot tub!…

“What about Internet access? I NEED TO BLOG!!!” you fret.

Piggy assures us, “We’re fully equipped so you need never stop blogging ‘til the day you die. Access all your faves… like Infomaniac, for example!”

“Will I have my own private bedroom?” you wonder.

“We’re still working on that,” smirks Piggy. “For now you’ll have to share a room.”…


Piggy the Pygmy (left) and the freakishly tall IVD (right) out for their morning constitutional. Note that Piggy is still able to walk upright without the aid of a Zimmer frame.

We’re sold on getting old!

Note 1: This post was inspired by Inner Voices who commented, “I went over to Tazzy and Piggys place... found the blog link and still couldn’t really figure it all out? Is it a dating site?” That led me to think that Taz & Pig should start a dating service for old poofs which led to me think they should also start up a retirement home for old gays.

Note 2: No new posting ‘til Monday so suck on this one ‘til then.


  1. disturbingly funny! Someone should tell them that shaving does not prevent the spread of crabs!

    Scratch that...I meant write it down on a post it and put it on a wall they can see, in case they forget!

  2. MJ.
    You are a disgust. I have just recognised the man who serves me petrol at my local garage!!! How on earth can I look him in the eyes and exchange amusing banter with him in the future?

  3. Brilliant mj!
    So glad I gave Piggy's new venture my seal of approval there at the end.
    I suppose Fag Hags will be allowed to pop in for Happy hour .... or 'quite pleasant but not too exciting' hour.

  4. LATE thirties? Why you spiteful cow! EARLY thirties. EARLY!

    I didn't develop an old ladies taste, I inherited it. Bloody Host...

    P.S. I wouldn't choose the porridge for breakfast. It's not really porridge - Instead, it's the old dead skin that's been sloughed from the Oldies while they're in the hot tub. It's scooped out in the morning and served with a sprinkling of sugar.

  5. It's rice-pudding, not porridge.

    Is Inner Voices a bit thick? How couldn't she work it out? It's a case of clicking on the 'blog' clicky thing and thats it.

    Jeez, some people are as thick as pig shit.

  6. I still can't get over how hideous the bedspread is.

    I'll definately NEVER move in there.


  7. I hope it's a bit less dusty than Quentin Crisp's place.

  8. That old man in front of the computer is DISGUSTING!


  9. EROS: Shaving doesn’t prevent the spread of crabs?

    And exactly how did you find that out?

    RATTY: You mean he’s holding down a job AND collecting a pension cheque?

    This must be reported to the authorities!

    KAZ: Fag hags?

    Fruit flies, dear, please! are always welcome and yes, that’s why I used your pic at the end.

    Just be prepared to be flung aside at the end of the evening when it’s enema hour for the old fellers.

    IVD: If you’d take better care of your skin and do something about those crow’s feet, you’d look more your age.

    May I have one of those boiled sweets from your handbag?

  10. PIGGY: Inner Voices is a MAN.

    Jeez, some people are as thick as pig shit.

    CYBERPOOF: I’ve already placed your name on the waiting list.

    A special closet is being constructed to hold your orthopaedic high heels.

    GEOFF: Tazzy’s mummy stops by to clean the place.

    And make nice cups of tea.

    T-BIRD: I’m surprised at you.

    We’re all God’s children, are we not?

  11. If the fellas were of a different shape, age and had actual taste I would consider it MJ

    But then again I don't like sharing

  12. Seeing as you asked so nicely, MJ, yes you may. If you can prize them apart that is. And pick off all the dust and lint. There may even be the remnants of a hairnet stuck to them too...

  13. Why, MJ, I think I read about it in a pamphlet...or was it on a restroom wall?

  14. I definately know that I will have to only come here when the kids are asleep. So I need to go now just in case they walk in. Also, I am scarred for life after seeing computer wack job dude. Oh the nightmares.

  15. This post is very thought provoking or is it perverting? Asian weemen get fuck ugly after the age of 30 so I wonder what happens to the pretty little gurly-boys have you ever seem an aging gurly-boy? Why the fuck did I move to America? Thailand is the place I should be.

    How can piggy and tazzy be ghey? I thought ghey men were cute product loving types.

  16. CYBERPOOF, IVD & EROS: I find it intriguing that the three of you commented all in a row.

    You’ve all moved into The Home together, haven’t you?

    And you’re helping that old fella access my blog.

    How sweet.

    CECILE: I bet you’re chomping at the bit to come back here and you’re trying to put the kids down for a nap right now, aren’t you?

    KNUDSEN: Tazzy and Piggy have designed a special “Bang-Kok”-themed room for you.

    Now get back to your room!

  17. checking in, sees men-porn, goes back to work.

    Also sees no posts until Monday.

    don't work too hard.

  18. BOXER: I'm not at work yet but you are. Ha.

    And you're one to talk as I see you're not posting 'til Monday either.

    Now get back to work.

  19. Seeing IDV is twentyfourteen now (and that's quite old) he may have moved in.

    I wouldn't know about Bingowings though. I hope not.

    I've been bickering with a fella on the phone and am getting quite upset that I can't want the BBC transmission of the Eurovision.

  20. Knudsey - But we ARE cute and loving. In our own special way.

    As for Inner Voices... A man?

    Oops. Easy mistake to make.

  21. Piggy a Ghey Ginger Pygmie????
    IVD an ageing poof in denial
    Old Knudsen a ladyboy

    This is all too much to cope with

  22. CYBERPOOF: The fact that you’re bickering is proof that you’re ready for The Home.

    PIGGY: You ARE cute and loving in your own special way.

    The fact that your house is decorated floor to ceiling with teddy bears is proof of that.

    I see you’ve visited Voices’ blog. Seeing pics of him with facial hair should have been your first clue that he’s a man.

    I know the whole “is he a male or is he a shemale?” dilemma has always been a difficult call for you.

    Hint: Check for an adam’s apple.

    Oh dear. If only you’d known about this advice before you went out cruising last night.

    BEAST: This is all too much for you to bear in your delicate MANFLU state.

    And then having to deal with Mr C ranting at you and Nations throwing bottle rockets through your letterbox and then me flinging my uterus at you.

    Get back under your duvet.

  23. Flinging you uterus at him? Is it detachable then?

    How very peculiar.

    Please don't tell us that little bits of your rancid minge juice flicked across his face as you flung?

    No really. I meant it. Don't.

  24. PIGGY: It's Beast's fault for whinging on and on about his MANFLU.

    I was suffering Satanic Cramps From Hell ... real pain compared to a trifling MANFLU.

    So I ripped out my uterus and flung it across the room at his head.

    My flying uterus caught on fire when Nations tossed a bottle rocket through his letterbox.

    Now you know.

  25. Ewww!

    The stench must have been awful.

    If not downright life-threatening.

  26. PIGGY: Shut up.

    I have a set of Fallopian tubes I'm not using.

    I could fling those in your face without batting an eyelash.

  27. Sign me up! is it time for my painkilling suppositories Nurse?

    Ah, the smell of Deep Heat cream and testosterone - i find it irresistable.

    *sniffs* what's that? Cabbage?

  28. IVD’s twee little cakes...! CRUMBS!

  29. FROBI: Nurse Beast will be along shortly.

    Mind you don't catch her MANFLU.

    That smell isn't cabbage.

    It's Piggy's socks.

    TONY: You should see IVD's boudoir biscuits.

    And Piggy's GINGERnuts!

  30. What a crap retirement home. Only what you would expect in Barnsley, but they could at least have provided a dominatrix Mother Superior and a donkey or three.

    And some Horlicks.


  31. GARFY: I'm willing to play the role of the dominatrix Mother Superior and flog the residents' bare bottoms with my rosary.

    Tunnocks Teacakes, anyone?

  32. God's children, MJ? That fat old guy is an abomination from the abyss. My god is eleven foot tall and looks like Sean Bean on steriods. He doesn't celebrate ugly or old.

    Come to think of it, he doesn't celebrate much other than his own reflection... and donkey shows.

  33. Shhh, You'll wake the kids. I just had to come see wack job man in front of the computer again before I went off to dream land. Pleasant dreams, my new nasty internet friend, pleasant dreams.

    Actually, your blog is living proof of a theory I have had for a really long time. People really do secretly like porn. It's just that some of them are too
    em bare assed to admit it. I voiced that theory at work one day, and everyone almost had a heart attack. The looks on their faces said it all to me though.
    Hope you're having fun.

  34. T-BIRD: Sean Bean?

    You’ll have to fight the Vicar of Dibley for him!

    CECILE: This isn’t porn.

    It’s art!

  35. Very interesting ...
    Haven't been so confronted since post immediately preceding this one.
    Re: man at computer - is that his joy stick for a gameboy?

  36. It's his Wii handset. It appears to have shrunk in the wash, though...

  37. Why oh Why Cecile is it more often than not , flabby old man porn EVERY time.
    Will Piggy and Tazzy be available on the NHS ????

  38. KOOKABURRA: See T-Bird's response.

    She is "wiise".

    T-BIRD: Funny how his Wii handset shrunk but his on/off button above it got bigger.

    BEAST: Funding is possible through the NHS only if you're willing to share a room with Gordon Brown.

  39. *wakes up from drunken stupor*

    hi piggy, hi tazzy.. i see cecile and kookaburra, wow! how exciting... lucky for me im on the dial up and have not been subjected to more old man balls and but fucking.... so when i click the link on the piggy an tazzy homepage for dating it brings me here???!!!??? it must be the prelude to something better? have a nice weekend all!

  40. *wakes up from drunken stupor*

    hi piggy, hi tazzy.. i see cecile and kookaburra, wow! how exciting... lucky for me im on the dial up and have not been subjected to more old man balls and but fucking.... so when i click the link on the piggy an tazzy homepage for dating it brings me here???!!!??? it must be the prelude to something better? have a nice weekend all!


  42. VOICES: It seems I'm the only one who'll be working on Monday. You Yanks and the Brits are all on hols. In fact (looks at clock) I have to leave for work NOW. Nothing like working the whole weekend.

    You'll have some lovely, tasteful pics to enjoy in this posting when you get back onto high-speed.

    By the way, Piggy and Tazzy think you're a woman.

  43. I'm working on Monday. Which is now. Our long weekend is coming up in 2 weeks.


  44. Okay, I.V., not only did you post a great comment twice (too funny), you spelled butt wrong. It's spelled butt. You can't be taken seriously "as a man," with a typo like that. And no, I NEVER expected to comment here because God forbig anyone follow me back to my blog. DO NOT COME TO MY BLOG!!!! ANY OF YOU. I will delete you!!! But MJ, I had to say, "No, this is not art," it is porn as Cece suggested. I'm not too into porn, but had to read the whole comment page for it's artist quality. As an artist and your friend (yes, I call you my friend), I was respectful and read everything. I detected two artist statements. Unfortunately my head is so saturated with porn I can't recall who wrote them.

    Okay, until next time!


  45. T-Bird: What will you be celebrating?

    SUZANNE: Too late. I've told everyone to go to your blog and to make themselves at home. You might want to invest in some air freshener.

    I blame Inner Voices for introducing us.

  46. um... shes not "too into porn"... so does that mean she likes it a little... or a little porn, or "little" porn... she up and fucked herself on that one... im sure people will be commenting on her page for weeks now, muwhahahahaa...

  47. VOICES: I wanted to say something about that but I’ve teased Suzanne enough already.

    Glad you came along to stir up the pot.