Tuesday, January 29, 2008

How MJ Got Her Groove Back

Our hero: Manuel’s arse

By now you know the story of how Ireland’s finest waiter, Manuel, resurrected my blog.

Now it’s time to thank all you other bitches who contributed to the triumphant return of Infomaniac.

But first, let me tell you how I lost my groove; how I misplaced my mojo.

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'
Yes I've been black but when I come back you'll know know know
I ain't got the time and if my Daddy thinks I'm fine
He's tried to make me go to rehab but I won't go go go.

They took me away in my sleep to rehab. Took my bottle too. Snatched it out from between my Kung-Fu-Grip thighs.

They wouldn’t let me blog from rehab so I had to give up my blog, blog, blog. Broke my heart, it did.

Then IVD and SID launched a master plan.

IVD lent Broom to SID so that SID could fly to rehab and help me escape. That plan quickly went tits up as Broom couldn’t handle a 30 stone man.

So SID eased his girth into his car and drove through the night to my rescue…


SID whisked me away as best a 30 stone man can. He wooed and soothed me with sonnet and song. He plucked my harp as I blew his Uilleann pipes.

But our SID’s a trickster. As he soothed me with one hand he slapped me with the other. With this abomination!…

Photo removed.

My dignity barely intact, I fled to the Oracle: Old Knudsen.

Old Knudsen BC (Before Cap)

Knudsen took me under his holy robes and instructed me as to the Meaning of Life. He offered to hoe my garden and trim my hedges. But just as I was about to see the light, he blew my cover and exposed my secret identity as Greta Von Sharpie; the famous groupie who once dated Motley Crue, Ken Barlow and the terrorist organisation Hezbollah. …..

Greta Von Sharpie

Long story short. I’ve sent my evil twin Greta to finish my stint at rehab while I’ve come back to blog.

Now, in the unlikely event that I still have your attention, I would like to thank the following bitches who paid tribute to me on their blogs over the past week:

SID with “For MJ” and “Mourning Has Broken.”

Garfy with “Alas Poor MJ, We Knew Her Well.”

Tazzy and Piggy with "Petition Time" and “The Friday Read.”

Old Knudsen with “Blogger Uncovered.”

Inexplicable DeVice (IVD) with “Ding Dong, the Bitch is Dead!

BingoWings with “See You Later, Alligator!

Tatas with “MJ Leaving?

Forgive me if I’ve missed anyone. You touched me. All of you big soft tits, you.

If you haven’t dozed off by now, my heart goes out to the following bitches who, along with Manuel and Manuel’s arse, were responsible for enabling my return.

SID (Stupid Irish Daddy): My shining star(fish). My inspiration. Do do that voodoo that you do so well. I kiss his fat Irish arse.

OLD KNUDSEN: My soldier of fortune. Who ya gonna call? Old Knudsen, that’s who. Brains and brawn and a rapier wit all in one package topped with a cloth cap. I’m proud to be a Knudsenite and proud to be his friend.

PIGGY: Pigsty managed to compose a long, thoughtful email to me without referring to me even once as “that auld bint with the toxic minge.” Obviously, it was a one-off but it worked.

FIRST NATIONS: FN invited me home for burritos. And you know what an honour that is!

WW & HE or SS or whatever he’s calling himself these days: These two Canuckleheads speak my language, eh?

And wiping up the rear: SMUNTY THE CABIN BOY.

And finally, thanks to all you bitches who either sent emails to me, left comments, or both during my meltdown. I’d link to you but I’m spent. You are as follows:

Kaz (whose email made me cry, it was that lovely); IVD (Inexplicable DeVice) (you’re a peach); CyberPete (fashion consultant whilst in rehab); Geoff and Betty; Connie the Convict and his bitch Tatas; Tickers, Vicus Scurra; Frobisher; Chaucer’s Bitch; Dai (ta for stopping by. who are you?); Arabella (I didn’t know you visited here!); Kapitano; Billy; Ellie; MyToes; Peevish McSnark; Geo and Maidy; Rich; Brad Stitt; Daisy and NWT Runner.

A now a word, if I may, with BEAST.

I wasn’t gone five minutes and my body not even cold yet when Beast started nicking my material.

The dirty bitch would have got his hooks into my Album Covers and Filthy Friday too had I not called him at his game.

Your punishment, Beast, is a Norwegian fish whipping from Mistress MJ!

Ta very much, my darling bitches.

Hugs and kisses,



  1. Bloody cheek , while others were running around wailing , gnashing their teeth and waxing their bikini line(Piggy) , The Beast decided the greatest tribute to the missing presumed drunk MJ was to keep the great institutions like 'BOOK OF THE WEEK' alive during your absense.
    And What thanks do I get for it ??
    ***rips wax strip from Piggies sack****

  2. Shut the fuck up you toxic minged bint and get back to the kitchen.

    Fucking suffragettes!

  3. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned Danish fish whippings?

  4. Just a quick stop off to say: I don't think Broom will ever be the same again. Two hours stuck in SID's arse crack have taken their toll.
    Still, I'm, ummm... Glad? Yes, I suppose that'll do for now. Yes, I'm glad that the Bloggers rallied 'round to get you back.

    Right. I'm off to London, but not to see The Queen. Or even a queen. I can but hope, though.
    You'd better still be here when I get back - Try not to have a relapse, there's a dear.

  5. Ding dong
    The bitch is ...


  6. Well I must say that the arses improved as this post went on.
    I hope this trend will continue.

  7. I thought it was Greta's sister Ena who dated Ken.

    He was looking bloody foxy at Vera's funeral last night.

  8. BEAST: All will be forgiven if you email me a pic of your bare arse.

    SMUNTY: Disgruntled as usual, are we?

    Can’t you see that I’ve revised the Infomaniac blogging handbook to post more than “a picture, and fuck all else?”

    BILLY: Danish fish whippings are CyberHoor’s specialty.

    But I can slap your bare bottom with a kipper if you’re game.

    IVD: What exactly goes on during these trips to London?

    Are you cruising The Tube?

    CONNIE: You can put that embalming fluid away.

    KAZ: Give Manuel’s arse a chance.

    It grows on you.

    GEOFF: Vera DIES?


  9. Why is Beast the one doing the spanking with the fish in that pic?

    Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

  10. BTW I'm on a diet now........

  11. PIGGY: Beast paid well for the privilege.

    His moobs are getting a bit heavy, don’t you think?

    MANUEL: Diet? Don’t do it!

    There’s nothing sexier than a big hairy Irish arse.

    If you diet, your skin will sag and you’ll be left with a drooping Derry-air.

  12. But I don't whip fish

    I must say you did look fabulous in rehab

  13. CYBERHOOR: Thank you for the "Hooked On A Feeling" from The Hoff tribute you did for me on your blog today.

    It was moisture-inducing.

  14. Hehehe anytime dear

    I just may post another tribute tomorrow..

    Afterall it's not every day you break out of rehab

  15. Just so long as you didn't fry your hair blonde, and replace it with a wig that matches your old hair perfectly.

    I can't believe I haven't dropped by before, it's all bottoms and smut! I like!

    More arses boys!

  16. I ate the burritos. They were good. I'd have mailed you the leftovers but there weren't any. Actually no, I got distracted by a sheet of bubblewrap. And truthfully I didn't want to waste a bunch of time. It takes time to hand-address a burrito and then you have to tie the stamp on with a little piece of string and it's all a big pain in the ass so I said 'fuck it'. The bubblewrap was fun.
    Good to have you back, Little Single Malt.

    now bring the damn funny.

  17. CYBERHOOR: Don't go spoiling me or I'll come to expect it.

    T-BIRD: Welcome to Infomaniac!

    You're from AussieLand, aren't you?

    While IVD's away, the mice will play.

    So come back any old time and we'll talk about him here behind his back.

    FN: "Bring the damn funny" you say?

    Don't pressure me bitch or I'll have another breakdown.

    I am, as you know, a delicate hothouse flower.

  18. lol.. okay, as a first time reader this is pretty amazing shit. You got someone to pic thier bare arse. you have the BC down (that was priceles) and got a good little story going on the departure.. and still nothing relvealed on the truth of it all. BRILLIANT. I will be back to see how this all turns out. hehe...

  19. T-bird said... "More arses boys!"


    We want cock now!

  20. Heh you are in for a treat MJ in 8 hours time :)

    Piggy: We want Bingowings cock AND arse

  21. Good grief, thats a lot 'o oirish hair!
    Glad you're still around. Always fun and a mystery as to where the hell you find all the doity' images

  22. My work is complete.

    *Thanks Garfy for not agreeing to show his arse*

  23. XMICHRA: Welcome to Infomaniac!

    Is there a two-for-one gatecrasher special on my blog today with all these new readers showing up?

    How does it all turn out, you ask? I live happily ever after, of course although I'm hounded through eternity by Piggy.

    PIGGY: Who will be the first to email a cock pic?

    Stay tuned later this week for a new arse.

    CYBERSLUT: I'll be asleep in 8 hours.

    Do you want me to set my alarm?

    MR. G: Send me your credit card number and I'll find pics for you too.

    SID: *kisses SID's arse again in praise*

  24. So we're a kind of anti-rehab for MJ. A dehab.

    What a pity the arse pic's too large to be MJ's new avatar. It would be a fitting tribute.

    How many arses is it going to take next time? How many arses can MJ handle at once?

    And do we really want to know?

  25. KAPI: How many arses?

    Let's start with yours and we'll see.

  26. Piggy and Tazzy: Well that goes without saying - where there are arses, there are cocks!

    Mj, I am most definitely from Down Under! As for IDV, I wonder what he's doing in London? Hmmm...

  27. T-BIRD: IVD's either having cosmetic surgery or he's someone's "travelling companion."

  28. My doing has been done and no queens were hurt during the making of my... Let's just say, film and leave it there, eh?

  29. IVD: You're supposed to be in Londinium.

    How can we miss you if you never go away?

    Ignore anything I've said about you on anyone else's blog.

    *back pedals swiftly*

  30. * rushes quickly round to everyone elses *

  31. Ginger, eh? How dare you infer that I'm even the slightest bit similar to porcine Piggy!

  32. Don't you just feel the love here at the melting pot .