I denuded the shelves of this shop to bring our Baby Pic Compo winners the finest prizes my money can buy. Yes, I depleted their stock.
Yet I still needed more prizes. Luckily, I had a Plan B…
The gift machine that ate all my quarters
Feel blessed that I care so much about you that I would spend more on the postage than the actual value of the prizes. That’s how much I care.
Because you’re worth it
When you receive your prizes, look for the “Made in China” label for assurance of quality products...
And now, let’s have a look at what crap, erm, prizes you’ve won.
GRAND PRIZE WINNERS – TAZZY AND PIGGY
The collective brain cells of Yorkshire’s favourite poofs won the grand prize for matching the most baby pics to the bloggers.
Everyone is jealous of your accomplishment … especially Smunty, who (trust me on this) is seething.
Tazzy and Piggy, you’ve won the following fabulous prizes!…
STICKY STARFISH
Toss the 4-inch "Sticky Starfish" against any smooth surface and watch it tumble and flip all the way down. Sticky starfish is washable with mild soap and water to regain stickiness! Will not stick to carpet, clothing or hair. Ages 5+.
I got you a pink one.
Warning! Choking hazard.
MINI TEN PIN BOWLING SET
*not exactly as pictured. Yours is not the “glow in the dark” edition*
This Mini 10 pin bowling set is the perfect gift for a couple of BOWLING ALLEY SLUTS…
TINY FEZZES
2 tiny fezzes with elastic chin straps. One for each of you.
Because everything looks good in a tiny fez!
We’ll be expecting you to wear your fezzes bowling.
Or join in on the fun with other fez-wearing hipsters…
CUTEST BABY - RIMSHOT
Rimshot, the so-called “Cutest Baby” will have hours of fun with his prize.
In keeping with his German heritage, Rimshot wins the Windup Hopping Lederhosen.
Wind up these 3-inch hard plastic short trousers and watch them hop about!
Bavarian folkpants with a mind of their own.
POOFIEST BABIES – CYBERPETE AND SMUNTY STEVE
CyberPoofter
The Danish Pastry will enjoy good clean fun with the Mini-Peter Water Gun.
Perfect for water sports!
Besides, it has his name on it!
Baby Smuntypants
Smunty Steve will receive a deck of "Hot Guys" nude male playing cards.
Poker night with the boys will never be the same!
When Smunty finally outs himself and runs off with one of his “poker buddies,” Carly will come after him Lorena Bobbit-style.
That’s when 10 feet of "DO NOT CROSS" Police Line non-adhesive tape will come in handy…
Eventually, Smunty will land in prison for drunk and disorderly conduct. Without Internet access, he can write to us with this fluffy pink ballerina pen…
Note to winners: If you do not wish to claim your prizes, your prize will automatically go to our loser, Frobi.
Hello? ‘Any Junk’? Just back the lorry up at the winners’ doors and unload whatever rubbish is in the back. Thank you.
Enjoy your prize packages, bitches! You’ve earned them.
Yay! First!
ReplyDeleteWot? No diamonds?
I'm quite sure Smunty has a pen just like that already.
What a glorious collection of hideous tat! I can't tell you how pleased I am for all the winners.
ReplyDeleteI'm upset that my picture turned out all fuzzy but what can you expect cameras had just been invented. One of the tins of paint has the brand name 'Mariner' it was fate.
ReplyDelete5 mins after this pic was taken I glassed the dog, bastard deserved it.
Awww I wanted the ballerina pen
ReplyDelete*cries*
Thanks for the hideousity though
That's my Christmas list sorted.
ReplyDeleteWhere can I buy some hopping lederhosen? I want to get in quick before they sell out.
I think you'll find that Tazzy & Piggy already have sticky starfishes!
ReplyDelete*vomits*
BTW "loser" is NOT a polically correct term. Were all winners really.
Sure we are Frobi
ReplyDelete*laughs*
PIGGY: Diamonds?
ReplyDeleteYou haven’t even got to first base with me yet.
It’s too early to be talking diamonds.
IVD: For the next compo, I’m awarding the winners an autographed copy of your Elf Shorts pic.
KNUDSEN: Your pic becomes clear when mounted on a stereoscope.
CYBERPOOF: Why don’t you ask Smunty if he’ll trade his poofy ballerina pen for your water gun?
GARFY: Ich habe mein connections.
You vant I should reveal mein sources?
Vat ees eet vorth to you?
FROBI: Right then. You’re not a loser. You’re a “uniquely fortuned individual on an alternative career path.”
*vomits more at PC terms than at The Yorkshire Poofs’ starfishes*
I'd go for the "Frankenchrist" album cover as being "top of the tats".
ReplyDeleteSmunty Steve wanna trade ballerina pen for my water gun?
ReplyDelete*Smiles sweetly*
*blink blink* yeah not doing that again, it completely freaked me out
But Steve, you wanna trade?
ISTVANSKI: A tip of the fez to you.
ReplyDeleteFrom now on I shall refer to you as Imperial Potentate.
CYBERPETE: Bad move.
Smunty will ask you to grovel.
Half a bratwurst, some saurkraut, and a Westphalian all body leather gimp suit (only worn once - by SID). You're not getting any lager brewed in accordance with the German Purity Laws though, oh no.
ReplyDeleteGARFY: You have vays of making me talk.
ReplyDeleteForget the bratwurst und saurkraut. I vant the SID gimp suit.
My source is Archie McPhee in Seattle.
You can order online but I make frequent trips south to this, my shopping mecca.
I’ve bribed many a customs official with a pair of windup hopping lederhosen.
Maybe if I give him my sailor cap?
ReplyDeleteHe sure needs something to hide the hideous hair under
*looks at the prizes*
ReplyDeleteI am sooooo glad I missed this whole thing.
CYBERPOOF: Smunty could pass the sailor cap around to solicit more donations to his sex-change fund.
ReplyDeleteMAIDY: Shall I show them your late baby pic entry?
Exactly!
ReplyDeleteNO!
ReplyDeletei mean ... please don't, my darling!
*smiles sweetly*
I love Canada!
Honest!
*smiles more*
MAIDY: Prove your love to me, bitch.
ReplyDeleteShow us Maidy's pic.
ReplyDeleteHow come Smunty gets so many prizes? Is it cos he's so special?
Maidy you are fooling no one
ReplyDeletebut then who does love Canada anyway
Like stop eating the paste special Convict
ReplyDeleteCONNIE & CYBERPOOF: Yes, it's because Smunty is special.
ReplyDeleteSpecial like eating-the-paste special.
Fine ... what do you want?
ReplyDeleteIF I HAD KNOWN THERE WOULD BE TINY FEZZEZ GIVEN AS PRIZES I WOULD HAVE TAKEN THIS WHOLE SAD AFFAIR A LOT MORE SERIOUSLY.
ReplyDeleteCHEEZBITCH.
*stomps off muttering angrily*
(archie mcphee, huh?)
..tiny fezzes? fezzies?
ReplyDeletesmall fez-like hats.
fine.
MAIDY: What have you got?
ReplyDeleteAnd make it worth my while.
FN: Yes, Archie McPhee.
What are you waiting for? Go there!
MECCA!
Wup!
Tiny Fez ist ein vonderment auf vich I must partake! Vere, pray tell, can Ich one ov mine own getten?
ReplyDeleteToiletRIM: Same place that I told Garfy where to get the windup hopping lederhosen ...
ReplyDeleteArchie McPhee in Seattle.
I'm getting a Cap'n Danger stunt monkey.
ReplyDeleteArchie rocks.
GARFY: Money well spent.
ReplyDeleteLet’s show the others the parachuting primate here.
I want the parachuting Freud.
ReplyDeleteFucking hell was that a slip?
SID: You want the Parachuting Freud because it comes with a rubber harness.
ReplyDeleteYippee, I won a ballerina pen. I can write an acceptance speech with it!!
ReplyDeleteFrobi - yes we are all winners. It's just that some of us are more winners than the rest.
Cybermushroom - no you keep the gun. It can keep you company on those long cold winter nights. Just fill it with a mixture of warm water, 3 tablespoons of salt and a single drop of anchovy essence. You'll never know the difference!
Just sit there shooting yourself in the face all night.
Piggy does it when Taz is working the late shift - keeps him happy for hours.
Steve how do you know the recipe?
ReplyDeleteExperimented much yeah?
Still gutted that you won't trade
*cries*