In our previous post entitled “Fatal Forty,” Thombeau had this to say…
To be honest, I initially thought the title of this post was Fatal Farty! (Which might be a good idea for a future endeavor. I have a classic fart story worth sharing, and I'm sure some of our other illustrious Infomaniacs do, too!)
So let’s open up this discussion to all the Infomaniac Bitches out there.
Do YOU have a classic fart story worth sharing?
And speaking of cutting the cheese, Cookie’s posted THIS over at The Hair Hall of Fame.
I'm a Lady; I do Lady Things. Which certainly does not include gaseous moments. My cat, unfortunately, is another story.
ReplyDeleteWell then perhaps you might favor us with a queefing anecdote or three...
DeleteQueefing is defined here for our more genteel readers.
DeleteWhy not just call it for what it is?
DeleteA "Fanny Fart"
But then I guess it would get lost in the Aussie/American translation
PRINNY: Calling it a “fanny fart” would only lead to the sort of confusion that arises when we say “pants” or “biscuits.”
DeleteSo...About a decade ago, I was shopping at the Unique Thrift in Chicago's Uptown neighborhood. Good deals can be found there, but it's a nasty place filled with generally hideous people. In order to block out the riff-raff, I had my headphones on and my Discman volume on high. Yes, this was when portable cd players were all the rage, but I digress.
ReplyDeleteAnywho, whilst perusing the aisle I was suddenly overcome by the urge to pass some gas, to use a polite but descriptive phrase. It could be held back no longer. Fortunately the music was loud and I figured no one would hear me, so I just let it rip. Felt so much better, I must say. Until I realized that, yes, the music was loud, but only in my headphones! Everyone else must have heard me loud and clear!
Then I remembered that the place reeked of the unwashed masses anyway, and also that I don't really care much about what they think or feel. So I held my head up high, made my purchases, and laughed all the way home.
how funny....i was going to regale you all with a tale about a headphoned queen in a chicago thrift store that farted like an elephant herd.
DeleteTHOM, you’re such a classy broad.
DeleteThank you for sharing...and caring.
Yes, this was when portable cd players were all the rage
Back before your fatal forties?
NORMA: I’m surprised you could hear anything with that ear trumpet of yours.
Deleteoh please, back in the day i could hear the music playing on thom's discman when the headphones were on HIS head.
DeleteYou kids crack me up and I love ya for it!
DeleteWe love you TOO, Thom!
DeleteBITCHES: Euphemisms found here, if you’re too genteel to use the word “fart.”
ReplyDeleteMy favorite story is about someone who 'crop dusted' people in line at a bank, as he was walking out. Kabuki suffers not from noxious gas emissions. Kabuki is an artiste.
ReplyDeletekabuki: An artiste?
DeleteNot a “fartiste?”
HA!
DeleteWell... my regale is very close to Thom's. Whilst working in the store one day, I was having some terrible pains. You know, those stirr'ins and urge'ins you get before you crop dust? Last night's Mexcian. Well, being as you say genteel, I wasn't about to pass gas right in front of everyone. There were three female sales specialist on the other side of the half wall where I was. So finally, before I expolded, I just bent over and let it fly! They didn't know I was there, and all three thought it was the other. There expressions were pricless, but no one said a word, fearing everybody would think it was one them. Meanwhile, I was laughing my ass off. Then I had pains from laughter. There was also a time in church, and you can imagine, that went over like a fart in church, but thats another story. Just remember y'all, better a clean house , than a dirty house guest!!!!!
ReplyDeleteMADDIE: Crop dusting seems to be popular with you Bitches.
DeleteHere’s a t-shirt for you and kabooks.
My Father was very proud of his ability to asphyxiate...er .. I mean regale a captive audience with his farting ability.
ReplyDeleteOn long road trips usually in the height of summer and in the day before car air conditioning , we'd be driving along and he would make us all wind up our windows and then exclaim "Can anyone smell petrol?"... Well you knew then that he had "Let one rip"
Sadly... my brother seems to have inherited the same evil sense of humour as he demonstrated to me whilst I sat captive beside him as we went through the local car wash one afternoon...
Now I always check if the car needs washing before I get in and go anywhere with him.
PRINNY: In most families you inherit assets and property.
DeleteBut your family just has to be different!
My childhood babysitter (not my adult one) told the story of college dorm life where one morning she passed a silent but deadly and her roommate woke up and said the strong smell of bacon and eggs had aroused her from her sleep.
ReplyDeleteShe also told about a one time blind date and while he was getting in the car and she was still outside and nervous she let one rip only to discover when she got into the car that the passenger window was rolled down and that he heard the whole thing. She was more upset about the fact that he hadn't opened the car door for her.
AYEM8Y: I’m sure I speak for all Infomaniac Bitches when I say we want to know more about your adult babysitter.
DeleteWho’s your daddy?
Okay, I just remembered this: Once at a family dinner, my three-year-old niece let out a little fart. When I teasingly asked her "What was that?" she replied, quite proud of herself, "My 'gina!" Great merriment ensued.
ReplyDeleteAfter I told that story to a friend, he said that one time at dinner his little sister farted, then commented "Ooh, that one kinda hurt. Must've been a square one!"
THOM: Thankfully she didn’t say “va-jay-jay.”
DeleteOprah hasn’t reached EVERYONE yet.
Best punch line I've heard was someone walking and passing gas at the same time, saying" Damn rubber shoes!"·
ReplyDeleteThough once walking down a street with my Mum and brother, I felt an unbearable urge to contribute to the greenhouse effect.
As I released the gas I funnily propelled forward, almost like I had skates on. I looked back and both mum and my brother were nailed to the floor in a convulsive laughter.
RUI BARROS: I blame anyone wearing Crocs.
DeleteLeaving Trader Joe's one day my daughter and I heard, quite close at hand, a 'faRAP! RAP RAP RAP raprapraprap' as though someone had not only farted, but been forcing the issue. We looked back and there by the door stood a skinny ferocious looking man we came to call 'The Fart Greeter'. As we watched, he knocked a couple more out of the park as people came out the doors. Door opens, fat lady walks out, 'RAP RAP RAP rapflootprrrrop'. Kid comes out with a can of pop, 'FrrrrrRAP RAP!' Kind of like giving them a 21 gun salute, only with just one gun. I don't know where this guy kept it all. His asshole must have been made of superball rubber, though...he could really lob those cookies.
ReplyDeleteNATIONS: “The Fart Greeter?”
DeleteConsidering that Norma has recently been appointed “Official Infomaniac Greeter” I may have to add this title to her name.
i've got to sit in this wheelchair, greet every prick like they're something special AND toot like a trooper?
Deletethat'll cost lots extra.
what a tasteful and gracious group of infomaniacs we have. kabuki feels honored to associate with such a talented assembly of gas passers via this fart-blog. because kabuki would not get near you smelly things in person.
ReplyDeletehow eloquently put darling!
Deletekabuki adds a touch of class to this motley crew.
DeleteOh... Blow it out your arse I say....
DeleteHuggy Jon don't fart.
ReplyDeleteHuggy Jon "pète"
The Fartom Of The Opera!
DeleteJON: Farting is an international language.
DeleteLike music........
DeleteThere's always Talulah Bankhead's famous fart story:
ReplyDeleteTallu's father was Speaker of the US House of Representatives in the 1930s (look it up, tis true) and she went to the US Capitol to visit her daddy. By this time she was a BIG star on stage a couple movies, and when her limo pulled up under the stairs of the Capitol. The door opens and out come Tallu, dressed in a winter white suit and an ermine stoll.
The doormen opened the door was agog at the international star. Tallu glided elegantly toward the elevator, which was operated by a war veteran wounded in the Spanish American War. After she glided into the elevator, he closed the cage door and then the outer door and moved the lever to the second floor position and just as the elevator began to ascend, he her the sound of a wet, sloppy and LOUD fart let loose.
He knew that the flatus had not come from him, and was embarrassed for the elegant Miss Bankhead, for it must be she who "cut the cheese". And yet she did not pardon herself for her embarrassment. He looked over her shoulder and there she stood as if nothing had happened and yet the nose on the man told him that the awful stench enveloping the small caged box was in deed a fart - a shit stinking cadaver fart that was beginning to make his feel sick to his stomach. The more he tried not to inhale, the worse it was and soon his body needed to breath, for surly the lack of air would cause his lungs to explode for their want of relief.
As they came to the 2nd floor he brought the elevator to a halting stop, opened the hall doors and then opened the cage, and out glided Miss Talulah Bankhead as if she were queen of the world. The poor man lunged forward into the hall, coughing and hacking as he allowed fresh air into his lungs and with a whoop the clear unputridfied air he longed for rushed into this starved air sacks.
Talulah heard this and she turned on a dime and her throaty voice said "Dahling?"
He looked upon the ravishing star and seeing that she was simply as regal as she was when she entered the elevator, even after that rise in her own methane.
But he felt as if she owed him that civilized pardon for her intestinal attack, and he asked her "Excuse me Miss Bankhead, but did you break wind when you were elevator."
Talulah, simply threw her ermine stole over her shoulder and turned on a dime, and said over her shoulder as she walked toward Daddy's office, "Of, course I did dahling. Do you think I smell like that all of the time?"
COOKIE: That Tallulah…what a gal!
DeleteAnd thank you for starting a separate category… “celebrity farts.”
Thankfully elevator man did not light a match ...
ReplyDeleteMAGO: It could have ended badly.
Delete