If You Can’t Stand the Heat, Get Out of the Kitchen

The Infomaniac Kitchen Queen Contest is heating up!

Over at Norma’s place, sparks are flying in the battle to wear the Kitchen Queen crown.

Let’s listen in, shall we?

COOKIE: “Clean all you want, but I shall be victorious.”

NORMA: “Oh my, battle lines are being drawn. Does anyone know if Cookie's claws are retractable?”

PEENEE: “Ha. You going down bitch. I have my secret Stuffed Eggs recipe just waiting.”

Who’s your money on, Bitches?

And how are you coming along with your recipe entry?

CONTEST DEADLINE: October 31st.

Canadian Dance Moves

In our previous political announcement, Jason declared, "If Romney wins, I'm moving to Canada."

Norma asked, "Do you think MJ has room for all of us?" and Thom chimed in with, "Seriously, we may have to start the Infomaniac commune!"



You wannabee Canadians are gonna have to learn some Canadian dance moves before we allow you entry into this great nation of ours.

The Lumberjack, The Friendly Backpacker, Scrape the Windshield, The Cross-Country Skier, The Beaver, Pile the Poutine, Pump the Keg, Skate the Pond, Spell Your Name in the Snow, The Curler, The Glove Save, The Dog Sled, Paddle the Canoe, Skip the Goose Poop, The Maple Leaf, Carry the Two-Four, Tap the Syrup, Cold as Ice, and Raise the Cup.

Watch and learn these fabulous Canadian dance moves because we know that YOU wanna be a Canadian!



Sing along, Bitches!

♫Yeah I know that you wanna be Canadian, please
Even if in winter things tend to freeze
We’ve got the world monopoly on trees
And our country’s bordered by three different seas
Yeah I know that you wanna be Canadian, please
We invented the zipper, we’ve got expertise
We made insulin to combat disease
Yeah I know that you wanna be Canadian, please

CHORUS
Brits have got the monarchy
The US has the money
But I know that you wanna be Canadian

The French have got the wine and cheese
Koalas chill with the Aussies
But I know that you wanna be Canadian

Et si ce n’était pas assez
On a deux langues officielles:
L’anglais et le français
Ooh la la

Yeah I know that you wanna be Canadian, please
Where else do you find mounted police
Or go to the hospital and not pay fees
Yeah I know that you wanna be Canadian, please

And when freshwater is in high demand
We’ve got the world’s largest supply on hand
So you know that we could make a pretty good friend
But it’s even better if you can be…

CHORUS

So you’re thinking to yourself,
“How do I live in this beautiful country?”
Well we’ve got some steps for you to follow…

STEP 1: Lose the gun
STEP 2: Buy a canoe
STEP 3: Live multiculturally
STEP 4: You’re ready, there is no more!

We got beavers, caribou and moose
We got buffalos, bears, and Canadian goose
And we’re sorry about Celine Dion
But she did do that good song for James Cameron…

CHORUS

Brits have got the monarchy
The US has the money
But I know that you wanna be Canadian

The French have got the wine and cheese
Koalas chill with the Aussies
But I know that you wanna be Canadian

The Greek chilled out with Socrates
Can’t build a wall like the Chinese
But I know that you wanna be Canadian

In Kenya they have safaris
We’ve missed lots of other countries
But I know that you wanna be Canadian♫

WAKE THE FUCK UP!

Rumour has it that you American Bitches are in the midst of an election campaign.



Thanks to Thom, this message is getting out right on time...



Pass it along.

Note: You might also enjoy Wally's "Let My People Vote" clip by Sarah Silverman.

Filthy Friday - Fag Break Edition

An Infomaniac Bitch (name withheld) enjoying a *fag break...


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*Link to fag break definition included for our North American readers who may fear that homosexuals were harmed in the making of this post or that Mistress MJ is taking temporary leave of her gays.

Getting Down With Norma

As you may recall, Norma wowed us with a rousing rendition of “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow” on her squeezebox…


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You might say Norma’s a “one hit wonder” as that’s all she could play up until now.

Winter's come early in Minnesota so to pass the time, it looks like she's taken up Russian AND expanded her repertoire...



Should we continue to support Norma's musical "talent" or is it time to gently steer her in some other direction?

Infomaniac Bitch Appreciation Day

All hail Infomaniac Bitches!

Mistress MJ wishes to thank each and everyone of you who brightens her day with your witty repartee.

Click to enlarge...

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Sometimes you get on my one last good nerve but I wouldn't trade you in for any other blogger's Bitches.

Oh my, Mr. Peenee looks confused again...

Wenis Wednesday

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Birthday Bitches

Happy Birthday to Topher in Florida (Tuesday, September 25) and Riley in Canada (Monday, September 24)...oops.

Norma will lead the Infomaniac Orchestra (that's all YOU Bitches including band fag Mr. Peenee on tuba) in a rousing rendition of "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow."

Take it away, Norma!


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Meanwhile, Back at the Gincuzzi

Mistress MJ thinks it’s time we plugged in the Vodka Fountain and fired up the Gin Jacuzzi also known (thanks to Blazng Scarlet after she’d had a few G&Ts) as The Gincuzzi.


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We’ve hired Vince to cater to your needs.

What are your needs, by the way?

Dinner of a Lifetime

Ms. First Nations has kindly offered you Bitches the DINNER OF A LIFETIME at "Rancho First Nations" and you act like she’s invited you on a canoe trip from hell.

Or as if Cthulhu is poised to pounce upon you from behind her front door.

Or as if THIS is her kitchen…



The reality, Bitches, is that Ms. Nations lives in this charming rural idyll…


[photo by Ms. Nations]

AND she’s a creative, kooky and wonderful hostess who can probably cook you under the table. She’s so good that SHE’LL probably win the Kitchen Queen Contest and so there won’t be any prize for HER since none of you other Bitches have offered up such a fabulous “SUPER DE DUPER TOP SECRET GRAND PRIZE.”

If you’re not feeling the love after dinner (but we’re sure you WILL,) why not excuse yourself and drop in at the local Sumas saloon just down the road?...


[photo by Ms. Nations]

Anyway, no one is holding a gun to your head to MAKE you accept the prize (even though it's America and we KNOW how THEY are about firearms,) so just go ahead and enter the contest.

Let’s allow Ms. Nations to have the final word…

“Oh, how you'll all live to regret your jesting comments once the winner returns from a magic weekend at the Rancho with all their limbs intactI MEAN with a gut full of rockin' eats and a liver turned paisley with recreational substances!!! How JEALOUS you'll all be! But no, thats fine...carry on.”

"...because all funny aside, kids, I genuinely did mean this as a real offer. We'd be proud to host any of you, and we really do put out amazing food here at the Rancho. But thats fine...really...*snif*..."

Kitchen Queen Contest Grand Prize

Have you been wondering what you'll win if you're crowned the Infomaniac Kitchen Queen?

The grand prize is courtesy of Ms. First Nations so listen up, Bitches, as she tells you all about it!...



Does your devil-may-care, jet-setting lifestyle allow for wacky weekend getaways in exotic locales? Then this SUPER DE DUPER TOP SECRET GRAND PRIZE can be yours for the price of travel:

THE DINNER OF A LIFETIME
hosted by
FIRSTNATIONS and THE BIKER

You - yes you!! can experience the legendary culinary delights of the Rancho FirstNations table! "How in the name of Thor and all the gods can this be made fact?" you ask.

RULES

1. You win the Recipe Compo!!!!!! and you're all happy and shit. Then...

2. We email back and forth and arrange a time for you to be here!!!! and I explain to you 150 times where Sumas is and that yes it really does exist and refer you to Google Maps until you're convinced. Then:

3. YOU MUST arrange for your own transportation and lodging. All we're doing is making you dinner. But just try and pull some bullshit 'Whoopsie lost my money! However will I get home?' crap. G'head. Try. Yeah, we'll gimp you.

There are two surprisingly nice places to stay nearby

a. Sumas Mountain Lodge, which doesn't seem to have a regular website which is a shame because it's actually a really nice place to stay; I've checked it out in person....and

b. The Kale House in Everson,
...which I've also checked out in person and which is also very nice,

....and several more that absolutely suck, particularly the B&B Border Inn, which you should AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE.

Tell ya what; we won't even mind if you, say, arrive in a motor home and want to park in the driveway overnight...s'ku!! Or if you just want to crash out on the couch or the living room floor, or in a tent in the back yard, or even in the Short Bus, (although I wouldn't if I were you because I know things about that mattress that you don't.) We understand. You'll be too overcome by the sheer fact of having experienced the most amazingly awesome meal you've ever had and nobody wants you out on the roads or trying to interact with the public like that, all staggering around crying and shit, splattered with mustard and drool. It's OK. Just as long as you realize that neither one of us will be giving up a bed for you.

YES IT'S TRUE: WIN THE INFOMANIAC RECIPE COMPETITION AND I'LL COOK YOUR ASS DINNER!!!!!

The Gin Jacuzzi

Gin never touches Mistress MJ's lips but apparently there's a demand for the stuff from British Jon and Mr. DeVice (wherever he's got to) and Mistress Maddie and Mitzi.

Introducing The Gin Jacuzzi!

Watch as Jon does a back-flip off the diving board...



This begs the question...

Should we or should we not keep the Vodka Fountain plugged in?

Autumnal Equinox

Goodbye summer...


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Hello fall!...


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We here at Infomaniac want to know how you enjoyed your summer.

And what are your plans for fall?

Besides entering the Kitchen Queen Contest, of course.

Filthy Friday - Kitchen Queens

You could be crowned the Infomaniac Kitchen Queen!




[photos via]

Submit your favourite recipe including a photo of the finished product. If you’re really gung-ho, you may send photos of each step of your recipe.

We’re not talking joke recipes. No. We want you to whip up something mouth-watering.

You can COOK something or you can BAKE something or you can prepare something that doesn’t require cooking such as a cocktail, appetizers, salad, etc.

Be sure to proofread your recipe! Make certain that all measurements, temperatures, etc., are correctly documented in your recipe. Some of your fellow Bitches may wish to recreate your recipe in the comfort of their own homes so ACCURACY IS IMPORTANT!

Now go back and re-read these instructions.

DEADLINE: October 31, 2012

PRIZE: To be announced soon.

Note: Following the deadline, your entries will be posted one at a time during the month of November rather than in one giant post.

Kitchen Queen Contest

YOU could be crowned the Infomaniac Kitchen Queen!
 


Demand here at Infomaniac for a cooking contest/bake-off have been steadily pouring in and it seems that some of you won’t take “no, not right now” for an answer.

It didn’t help that Norma posted this in anticipation of such a competition.

So listen up, Bitches, because here’s what you’re going to do.

Submit your favourite recipe including a photo of the finished product. If you’re really gung-ho, you may send photos of each step of your recipe.

We’re not talking joke recipes. No. We want you to whip up something mouth-watering.

You can COOK something or you can BAKE something or you can prepare something that doesn’t require cooking such as a cocktail, appetizers, salad, etc.

Be sure to proofread your recipe! Make certain that all measurements, temperatures, etc., are correctly documented in your recipe. Some of your fellow Bitches may wish to recreate your recipe in the comfort of their own homes so ACCURACY IS IMPORTANT!

Now go back and re-read these instructions.

DEADLINE: October 31, 2012

PRIZE: To be announced.

Note: Following the deadline, your entries will be posted one at a time during the month of November rather than in one giant post.

Wenis Wednesday

Bored by what you're doing at The normadesmond CrAftY KorNeR?

Then come on over to The Infomaniac Crafts Room!


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Where cardboard tube crafts are all the rage.

Testicle Tuesday

Anti-stress balls...



Now available through the Infomaniac Shopping Network.

Hat Shopping With Peenee and Norma

Musical Monday

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Mistress MJ is sure she's posted this little ditty somewhere in the mists of time but it will set your toes to tapping. Or floppy bits to flapping.

Shofar, So Good

Mistress MJ can really get behind a holiday that includes honey cake, exotic fruits and blowing the shofar…



Rosh Hashanah begins at sundown.

Happy New Year to Infomaniac's Jewish Bitches!

Gone Square Dancing

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Back soon.

I'm With the Band

Mr. Peenee has confessed that he was a band fag in junior high school.

And since we’re on the teen bandwagon this week (see yesterday’s Teen Idols post,) we here at Infomaniac pose the following question…

Did YOU play an instrument in high school?

And do you play an instrument NOW?

Teen Idols

It has come to Mistress MJ’s attention that Thombeau and (Canadian) Jon had crushes on Donny Osmond!



They’ve been trying to keep it a secret but Mistress MJ unearthed their clandestine conversation as follows:

JON: “My sister was so crazy about the show (well, mostly about Donny (and so was I... secretly!!!) and she forced me to play the part of Donny while she of course played Marie... It must have traumatized me in some way since I still find myself singing sometimes while walking to the bus stop:

♫I'm a little bit country.
And I'm a little bit rock'n roll♫

THOMBEAU: “I, too, had a thing for Donny. Still sorta do, but don't tell anyone."

Now that THAT secret is out of the bag, we here at Infomaniac want to know…

Who was YOUR teen idol?

And whatever happened to him/her?

Wenis Wednesday - Money Shot

Tulip Tuesday

A reminder to plant your tulip bulbs before the fall frost.


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Monday

It's Monday.


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Try to show a little enthusiasm.

Skin Care Secrets

Pity our poor Norma…


(click to enlarge)

You see, Norma has dry, lifeless "middle-age" skin.

And she’s losing love over it!

So we here at the Infomaniac House of Beauty want to do something about it.

Share YOUR skin care secrets with us so that Norma may regain her youthful glow.

Mr. Peenee’s Wilderness Adventure

Unlike you ladies of leisure, Mistress MJ must work today.

In her absence, why not slap on the sunscreen and some sensible footwear (this is the ONLY time Mistress MJ advises sensible shoes) and head out on Mr. Peenee’s Wilderness Adventure (a division of Mr. Peenee’s San Francisco Tours.)

Click pic to enlarge...

[thanks, Norma!]

We know you’ll enjoy roughing it.

And watch out for bears!


Note: Sensible footwear does NOT include Crocs.

Happy Birthday, Thom!

Just for this one very special occasion, let's all forget about the worldwide helium shortage.



Happy birthday, Thom!

Mr. Peenee’s San Francisco Tours (continued)

Whilst we’re waiting for our tour guide Mr. Peenee (aka The San Francisco Treat) to return … (we suspect he’s having his aquatic statuary polished)… we invite you to hop on board and continue your tour with Mr. Peenee’s houseboy…

Mr. Peenee’s San Francisco Tours

Mr. Peenee's San Francisco Tours...


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(click pic to enlarge)

Hop on – hop off.

You can leave your hat on.

Fatal Farty

In our previous post entitled “Fatal Forty,” Thombeau had this to say…

To be honest, I initially thought the title of this post was Fatal Farty! (Which might be a good idea for a future endeavor. I have a classic fart story worth sharing, and I'm sure some of our other illustrious Infomaniacs do, too!)

So let’s open up this discussion to all the Infomaniac Bitches out there.

Do YOU have a classic fart story worth sharing?

And speaking of cutting the cheese, Cookie’s posted THIS over at The Hair Hall of Fame.

Fatal Forty

Have you crossed the “fatal forty” line?


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Official Infomaniac Greeter

Mistress MJ is pleased to announce that Miss Normadesmond has been promoted to the position of Official Infomaniac Greeter.


(Norma, seated on right)

Norma’s duties include:

Welcoming each customer to Infomaniac by smiling and greeting in a friendly tone with a “Hello, welcome to Infomaniac.” Recognizing and reacting to Infomaniac Bitches’ needs. Observing and reporting any suspicious behaviors to management. Cleaning up front entrance spills promptly and ensuring Occupational Health and Safety Act guidelines are being followed.

Please join us in welcoming the welcomer … Miss Normadesmond.

Cookie's Bathtub

You Bitches need to see Cookie's bathtub NOW.

And be sure to respond to the bit that says...

So Cookie and the Husband want to know, do you want this tub? Will you come and get this tub? Better yet, who do you think, other than Cookie and the Husband, deserves this tub?

Bitchin’ in the Kitchen

In the comments section of our Gardening Photos post, Norma (pictured below) posed the following questions …


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Are we heading into the test kitchens now?
AM I SMELLING ANOTHER CONTEST?
AN INFOMANIAC BAKE-OFF PERHAPS?

Let’s turn these questions over to the rest of you.

Do you Bitches have any thoughts on a cooking/baking event or contest here on Infomaniac?