Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The New Infomaniac Orchestra


Mistress MJ has been busy reviewing your résumés and audition tapes.

She was unable to pick just one so you’re all hired! (Although XL is on probation…details to follow).

Let’s begin with the WIND SECTION:

JASON…

“Skin Flute Academy:
Graduated
Summa Cum Loud.”



DAMIEN…
“I can blow any horn put in front of me.”


ASK THE COOL COOKIE…
“And Oh, did I mention that I am also a skilled at the 'Bag and Pipe'? One must grasp the pipe, and blow whilst skilfully manipulating the bag. If you squeeze the bag too hard, it lets out this miserable whining sound.”


HAYWARD:
“For my audition I'd like to play Canadian Sunset on the finger cymbals and slide whistle.”

We hope to have Hayward untangled in time for rehearsal.


MISS SCARLET…
“I play sax! I have a mean fingering technique and a tight embouchure.”


BRASS SECTION:

MR. PEENEE…
“Unlike these rank amateurs, I am a certified tubaist. Hit it, boys.”

Peenee’s Valium prescription must be cut in half before he may continue with the Orchestra.


PERCUSSION:

AYEM8Y(MEAN DIRTY PIRATE)…
“I play a mean organ.”

And he knows “Fairy Kisses” by heart!


DONN:
“I used to play the drums, kazoo, and the field. Thanks to years of DRUMMING with headphones cranked to "11" I have tinniiiiiiiiitus.The Kazooing earned me a spot on the RCMP's suspected Communist file.”


DONN (again):
“And all that I have to show for my selfish, lusty sexploits of teenaged, hardbodied nymphomaniacs, are a few vivid memories of pure-perfect-moments of unbridled, pretzelian, carnal pleasure...
*lights cigarette and smiles.
which will never-ever-EVER happen to me again...ever...unless someone invents a time machine that allows you to look like you did but retain what you know now.”


BEAST...
***farts Canadien National Anthem while accompanying self on the spoons***

And speaking of Beast…

Over-stimulated by the excitement of playing with The Infomaniac Orchestra, Beast “accidentally” sits on Donn’s drumstick…



OTHER:

XL’s “Air on a G-String”, though masterfully executed, may be a health hazard. When air is blown or forced directly into a G-string — without allowing any air to escape — an air embolism (the abnormal presence of air in the cardiovascular system) could form, which can be fatal.

Further occupational health and safety research is required before XL is permitted to join the Orchestra on a full-time basis.

MISS JANEY…
“Miss J IS her own instrument. And how she enjoys playing with herself.”

Here we see Miss Janey tuning in National Public Radio.


GROUPIES:

ROSES...
[via]

When not banging the talent, Miss Roses studies hard in hopes of being truly able to say, “I’m with the band” and mean it.



Not surprisingly, our first rehearsal has deteriorated into this…


IT'S THE NEW INFOMANIAC ORCHESTRA, BITCHES!

NOTE: Unless otherwise noted, many of these photos are from Wayne’s Nude Musicians blog.

30 comments:

  1. lol

    this is so awesome !!!

    1st :)

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  2. Damn.. I missed the auditions...
    And I'm very good with plucking bits and fingering things...
    Oh well... I'll just have to go solo...Again....

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  3. LOL! Love this! I'm sure you will be a great hit.

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  4. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

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  5. HAHA! Oh MJ you kill me.
    What a trainwreck of a band but man can they get down and groove.

    I don't recall ever playing on those bazongos, was that in Banff or Lucerne?

    Thank you for the picture of Scarls, I was stumped as to which side a tight embouchure was located, although I had my suspicions.

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  6. DAMIEN: lol
    this is so awesome !!!
    1st :)


    Not as awesome as your It Gets Better vlog.

    PRINCESS: Damn.. I missed the auditions...
    And I'm very good with plucking bits and fingering things...
    Oh well... I'll just have to go solo...Again....


    Get a grip on yourself.

    SAVANNAH: congratulations to all!

    There’s still a “seamstress for the band” position going if you’re interested.

    MICHAEL RIVERS: LOL! Love this! I'm sure you will be a great hit.

    You’ll soon be adding us to your list of Legends I’ve Seen.

    XL: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

    You can always fluff our pillows on the road.

    DONN: HAHA! Oh MJ you kill me.
    What a trainwreck of a band but man can they get down and groove.
    I don't recall ever playing on those bazongos, was that in Banff or Lucerne?
    Thank you for the picture of Scarls, I was stumped as to which side a tight embouchure was located, although I had my suspicions.


    Clearly that was a “Sudbury Saturday Night.”

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  7. Woo Hoo!

    Come here boys, let me grope you in celebration!

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  8. ROSES!

    Outrageous!

    I'll be here watching the action while fiddling a glass of Moët. Especially eyeing the guitar player.

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  9. Hysterical! Miss Scarlett's Joy of Sax is a vision that will stay with me.

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  10. CYBERPOOF AND ROSES: Promise me the pair of you won’t trash the hotel room.

    HAYWARD: Hysterical! Miss Scarlett's Joy of Sax is a vision that will stay with me.

    We’re just happy to see your knickers are no longer in a knot.

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  11. What, no Norma Desmond playing the Rusty Trombone?

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  12. MR. COOKIE: What, no Norma Desmond playing the Rusty Trombone?

    Norma couldn’t make the audition as she’s gone off on her holidays.

    I’ll plunk her next to Peenee regardless.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh I see I have mysteriously gained weight and body hair again.....I hate it when that happens
    ***shaves tongue***

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  14. *pours Cyberpete another glass.

    Looks round the hotel room*

    Naaaah!!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. BEAST: Oh I see I have mysteriously gained weight and body hair again.....I hate it when that happens
    ***shaves tongue***


    *books back, sack and crack waxing for Mr. Beastie*

    ROSES: *pours Cyberpete another glass.
    Looks round the hotel room*
    Naaaah!!!


    And no running up the tab on room service!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I have always wanted to be in a (girlie) boy band.

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  17. I know I'm supposed to hoover the room where the band is supposed to sleep, but I bet you don't know I can play all kinds of triangles. It's my hidden talent. :)

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  18. KNUDSEN: I have always wanted to be in a (girlie) boy band.

    Now that you’re back in Ireland, get on the blower to Louis Walsh.

    LENI: I know I'm supposed to hoover the room where the band is supposed to sleep, but I bet you don't know I can play all kinds of triangles. It's my hidden talent. :)

    Too late…we already have a triangle player.

    ReplyDelete
  19. *orders another round steak and lobster and another bottle of Moët from room service for himself and Roses*

    ReplyDelete
  20. This post is FAN-Fucking-tastic. Blow, baby, BLOW!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Now where did I leave my pitch pipe?!

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  22. The talent displayed on your blog leaves me agog - mind-blowing (well lots of blowing of various sorts really)

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  23. CYBERPOOF: *orders another round steak and lobster and another bottle of Moët from room service for himself and Roses*

    I think Miss Roses has passed out.

    JASON: More cowbell!

    I’m surprised you could take your flute out of your mouth long enough to say that.

    MISS JANEY: This post is FAN-Fucking-tastic. Blow, baby, BLOW!

    I just twiddled your knobs and picked up “Car Talk”.

    This week Tom and Ray speculate on the causes of a 9-day traffic jam in China.

    MICHAEL GUY: Now where did I leave my pitch pipe?!

    Beast may have “accidentally” sat upon that as well.

    LULU: The talent displayed on your blog leaves me agog - mind-blowing (well lots of blowing of various sorts really)

    Seeing as “agog” is close to “gogo” if you squint… would you like to be a go-go dancer with us?

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  24. Oh my goodness!!
    When do rehearsals start?
    Sx

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  25. SCARLET: Oh my goodness!!
    When do rehearsals start?


    When you get your horn unstuck!

    ReplyDelete
  26. ...oh,hell...now we wish we would have taken band class when we were in school...
    S+S

    ReplyDelete
  27. SERAPH + SPLENDOUR: ...oh,hell...now we wish we would have taken band class when we were in school...

    You were out back smoking, weren’t you?

    ReplyDelete