The New Infomaniac Orchestra

Mistress MJ has been busy reviewing your résumés and audition tapes.

She was unable to pick just one so you’re all hired! (Although XL is on probation…details to follow).

Let’s begin with the WIND SECTION:

JASON…

“Skin Flute Academy:
Graduated
Summa Cum Loud.”


DAMIEN…

“I can blow any horn put in front of me.”


ASK THE COOL COOKIE…

“And Oh, did I mention that I am also a skilled at the 'Bag and Pipe'? One must grasp the pipe, and blow whilst skilfully manipulating the bag. If you squeeze the bag too hard, it lets out this miserable whining sound.”


HAYWARD:

“For my audition I'd like to play Canadian Sunset on the finger cymbals and slide whistle.”

We hope to have Hayward untangled in time for rehearsal.


MISS SCARLET…

“I play sax! I have a mean fingering technique and a tight embouchure.”

BRASS SECTION:

MR. PEENEE…

“Unlike these rank amateurs, I am a certified tubaist. Hit it, boys.”

Peenee’s Valium prescription must be cut in half before he may continue with the Orchestra.

PERCUSSION:

AYEM8Y(MEAN DIRTY PIRATE)…

“I play a mean organ.”

And he knows “Fairy Kisses” by heart!


DONN:

“I used to play the drums, kazoo, and the field. Thanks to years of DRUMMING with headphones cranked to "11" I have tinniiiiiiiiitus.The Kazooing earned me a spot on the RCMP's suspected Communist file.”


DONN (again):

“And all that I have to show for my selfish, lusty sexploits of teenaged, hardbodied nymphomaniacs, are a few vivid memories of pure-perfect-moments of unbridled, pretzelian, carnal pleasure...
*lights cigarette and smiles.
which will never-ever-EVER happen to me again...ever...unless someone invents a time machine that allows you to look like you did but retain what you know now.”


BEAST...

***farts Canadien National Anthem while accompanying self on the spoons***

And speaking of Beast…

Over-stimulated by the excitement of playing with The Infomaniac Orchestra, Beast “accidentally” sits on Donn’s drumstick…

OTHER:

XL’s “Air on a G-String”, though masterfully executed, may be a health hazard. When air is blown or forced directly into a G-string — without allowing any air to escape — an air embolism (the abnormal presence of air in the cardiovascular system) could form, which can be fatal.

Further occupational health and safety research is required before XL is permitted to join the Orchestra on a full-time basis.

MISS JANEY…

“Miss J IS her own instrument. And how she enjoys playing with herself.”

Here we see Miss Janey tuning in National Public Radio.

GROUPIES:

ROSES...

[via]

When not banging the talent, Miss Roses studies hard in hopes of being truly able to say, “I’m with the band” and mean it.



Not surprisingly, our first rehearsal has deteriorated into this…

IT'S THE NEW INFOMANIAC ORCHESTRA, BITCHES!

NOTE: Unless otherwise noted, many of these photos are from Wayne’s Nude Musicians blog.