Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Vote for the High Maintenance Queen

Mistress MJ has chosen the final five contestants for Infomaniac's High Maintenance Queen.



Please select one Queen from the following list:

Note: You cannot vote for yourself!


KEVIN:

How dare you imply that I'm high maintenance. I'm not high maintenance, I just like attention, Goddammit. GAH!
I'm so tired of everyone saying I'm high maintenance. Why is it my fault that I know exactly what I want? GAH!
It's such an insult to be branded high maintenance. And of you don't know why, I'm certainly not going to tell you!
I mean, how could you not know.
GAH!


CYBERPETE:

I just don't understand why everything has to end up with drama and tears. I thought you'd know by now, that I refuse to eat unpeeled grapes and brown m&m's.
I mean, IS THAT REALLY SO F*CKING DIFiCULT TO REMEMBER?
Where do you find these no talent bitches! I said breakfast at 7.00, and now it's 7.13. I don't want anything to do with this anymore, I'm going. Goodbye!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
And somebody find my shoes! I need my Choo's!
And where's my water. I can only have the kind with the electrolytes!
Is someone smoking? I can't have anyone smoking within a radius of 500 meters of me! Someone get that man out of here.
What's this? What's happening? Your outfit is so loud the penguins can hear it screaming on the south pole.
You are so full of drama, I need to lay down for a while!
No, no! White silk sheets, not eggshell! I don't do eggshell.
You lot are doing my head in!
Beastie how very dare you use my name!
*aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh*
*faints*
I need Bollinger and Godiva. NOW!
How very dare you Roses!
Now fetch me a cocktail, stat!
A glass of red would be lovel.. *aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T MIX COCKTAILS!?!
I *NEED* a gin martini!


JILL:

Get Hard...now!


FIRST NATIONS:

I thought about entering this for maybe one second before I decided not to associate myself with anything so declasse'. Me? I mean, really, me? I mean this blog is tacky. Look at this blog. The color scheme simply screams 'catatonia'. And whats that horrible smell IS THAT YOU? WHO'S WEARING OLD SPICE? OH MY GOD IS THAT OLD SPICE? I SMELL LIME! Sweet sainted mother of Kylie Minogue *takes out purse-sized Febreeze and brandishes it about like a fire extinguisher* Hello, indoor air pollution anybody? Oh pissbiscuits; does anyone have a Benadryl? Oh wonderful now I'm getting HIVES look at my arms I'm getting HIVES OH NOW MY LIFE IS TOTALLY COMPLETE I HAVE HIVES OH GREAT! JUST GREAT! Well I'm ready for my closeup now aren't I? I can feel my throat swelling shut I swear to God COME ON WITH THE BENADRYL PEOPLE; I KNOW SOMEONE HAS SOME heaven knows you're all ready to whip out the poppers and condoms at a moments notice in this sinkhole COME ON, AND A BOTTLED WATER TOO PLEASE no I do not want a glass of water, is that TAP WATER? HELLO? CANADIAN TAP WATER? REALLY? REALLY????? *slaps glass out of houseboy's hand and collapses into tears* Nobody worry about me! I'll just find myself a dirty old corner and curl up and suffocate to death on department store aftershave fumes, don't mind me! *snif* just lay me out right here on the downmarket berber OH LORDY WHAT IN THE NAME OF GUMBY AND POKEY IS UP WITH THIS CARPET? Is this a color found in nature? Do you raise puppies? What is this color? We need to talk about this color. Well we would except my trachea is closing. COULD WE SNAP IT UP WITH THE BENADRYL LADIES? AND A CASCADE SPRINGS? And a slice of lemon?


MICHAEL GUY:

I'd really like to participate in your quaint contest but I don't like to keep Soo Yee waiting at the nail bar...




Who will you choose as Infomaniac’s High Maintenance Queen?

VOTE NOW!

A winner will be announced sometime on Wednesday.

77 comments:

  1. Jill and Michael had me laughing.

    But if someone is really going to put that much effort in a contest by raving on and on, then I have to vote for CP.

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  2. Oh. I see how it is, Eroswings. Mm-hm.

    No, thats fine. Really. Its fine.

    *snif*

    Really. It is.


    *snif*

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  3. First Nations had me at "pissbiscuits."

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  4. You're not high maintenance, FN; you're a classic that never goes out of style.


    P.S. CP is holding the Elf shorts hostage. I figured this vote was a bribe to get him to let go of the shorts so others can revel in their joy and synthetic shiny softness!

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  5. I told you lot that I need that official statement from Donnnn about not wearing atrocious footwear near the delicate shorts.

    Now everyone vote for me dammit!

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  6. I go with Michael Guy, he has me laughin' most of the time.
    Sorry CP.

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  7. Thank you Bingowings. Much appreciated.

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  8. When deciding who to vote for , one has to assess risk of damage to one self from the losing participant .
    To my mind , at this stage its a two horse race
    CyberPetra , who may scream, pout and possibly vomit before fainting dramatically .
    First Nations . The woman has a whole shed full of sharp pointy power tools , a kitchen full of sharp pointy implements and a hands on attitude to retribution and the sharing of dissapointment.
    So taking a balanced view and to minimise casualties and collateral damage , I choose Miss Nations as my winner .

    ***Ear Piercing scream***
    ***Frenzied stamping of kitten heels**
    ***More screaming***
    ***projectile vomitting***
    ***Body hitting floor***

    Would you be so kind as to summon a houseboy to bring a mop and bucket , pick Petra up off the floor and arrange him on that Chaise in the corner , and clean up that sick

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  9. Jill. Brevity is the source of wit, after all. Any two bit floozy can go off on a rant about how they like their water done.

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  10. Who are you calling a horse, Beastie!!

    Maybe FN but moi? MOI?

    MOI!?! MOI?!?

    *aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!*

    *picks up phone and stages a society hit on Beastie*

    *throws champagne flute at Beastie*

    You....You...YOU! You'll never be invited to another event again. Ever!

    *faints*

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  11. Tell me what you really think Anonymous.

    And back it up bitch.

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  12. Cyber Pete and FirstNations give a nice glimpse into their daily life. A bit like Dame Edna and Miss Piggy on steroids.
    Jill should get the prize for the best form. But the uber-laconic sentence leaves a bit too much room for interpretation - bitch could have an interest (as small as can be) in the hardeners fullfillment.
    For me it's Kevin or Michael.
    When I read Michael's text I hear Frank Costello talking to the G-men, while Kevin's sounds like a mixture of Mae West and Claire Goll.
    SO I vote for KEVIN.

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  13. I respect that Mago....

    Or *aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!*

    *throws martini glass at Mago*

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  14. It's all right. These houseboys are good invention ... thank you ... Vodka-Martini, CyberPete? And please do not stick that little - AUA! inmyhand ...

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  15. It has to be Pete.
    Because he was not joking at all.

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  16. I'm going to hide behind Kaz at this point and say Cyberpete.

    With Ms First Nations as runner up.

    Don't hurt me! Please don't hurt me!

    *cowers*

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  17. Nobody hurts petit carribbean belles. Except FistNation who sometimes uses her tatas as weapons. But you'll grow to like it.

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  18. First Nations - pissbiscuits ....... I am going to work in that into every conversation I have for the next week.

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  19. CyberPete.

    Though it's a tough call, as they're all brilliantly high-maintenance.

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  20. Still laughing at (I mean with) Jill.
    She gets my vote!

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  21. I'm with that Michael guy...whatever his last name is.

    No idea what he said, but he's new and young and fresh and...well, possibly available.

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  22. BITCHES: *flounces in and observes hair-pulling, wig-snatching and general overall carnage*

    *and shameless flirting from Kapitano*

    It’s going to be a long day.

    *sighs*

    Carry on, bitches.

    Oh where are my manners? It appears we have a newcomer all the way from Amsterdam!...

    PETER: Welcome to Infomaniac!

    ANONYMOUS: Your vote only counts if you identify yourself.

    Please tell us your name or make up a nickname/pseudonym of some sort.

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  23. Petey I am sparing you from the stigma but only if you send the FGES rfn. If not, I promise that I'll be wearing CLOGS in the photo.

    Nations is a genius and I happen to know that she would be soooo much fun that I wouldn't care how high-maintenace she was...I would dote on her like a lobotomized schoolboy :)

    Kevin sounded quite reasonable and his logic is rock solid. I should think that he is alarmingly restrained and in control of his persons at all times.

    Michael has delivered a concise expression of chagrin which perfectly suits a man of means in the prime of his life.

    Which brings us to Jill, who had the uncommon good sense to leave nothing to my already cluttered imagination, is precisely what I crave most in an unattainable goddess of Mariahic proportions.

    With her brazen command, Jill has warmed the cockles of my heart, and much of my swimsuit area.
    She not only completes me, but had me from Get Hard.

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  24. Heaven knows I'm above taking notice of all the petty calling of names thats been going on, like 'two-bit floozy' and 'horse' and 'Miss Piggy'. And heaven only knows that I'm a far better person than to call names back, like 'Meanie' and 'Cold-hearted' and 'look who needs a chin lift STAT calling the piggy black'. No, that not the kind of person I am at all DAMMIT I SAID A CRYSTAL SPRINGS NOT A TALKING RAIN DO YOU UNDERSTAND ENGLISH? SPEAKEE THE EEENGLEESH, PIERRE? AND WHERES THE SLICE OF LEMON?? Really and for true, MJ, I'm all for hiring the handicapped but COME ON sweetie.

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  25. BITCHES: Would someone please remind Ms. Nations that she hasn’t placed her vote yet?

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  26. *hyperventilating and snuffling*

    ...I don't think I deserved that. I really don't. *takes discreet dose from inhaler* No, don't mind me, its just something that happens when people YELL AT ME. *snif* Its not easy being as sensitive as I am.

    Oh thats right. I have to vote. I'm obligated to vote. I can't even get a simple glass of water around here but I certainly won't let a parched throat stop me from casting my vote.

    I suppose either Jill or Cyberpork. OH I DONT KNOW ITS TOO CONFUSING I DON'T DO WELL UNDER PRESSURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*flings self across recamier*

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  27. NATIONS: Read the instructions!

    YOU CAN ONLY PICK ONE!

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  28. And get off my recamier, dammit!

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  29. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  30. It has to be Jill. A lady after my own heart. My motto "If it doesn't have wood toss it back."

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  31. After a days worth of dithering, I have finally picked Michael Guy.

    That's if there's anything left once Kapi's finished with him.

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  32. What am I supposed to do? I forgot.

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  33. Okay, I just remembered...I pick Tiger Woods.

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  34. BITCHES: Would someone please remind BOTH Ms. Nations AND CyberPete to vote?

    *mutters something about self-centred divas*

    And IVD… stop diddling Michael Guy.

    *bitch slaps everyone else just because*

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  35. I vote: Cyberpete.

    and I would have voted for "anonymous" but I have no idea who they were/are.

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  36. BOXER: Fine. CyberPete it is. You have voted CyberPete.

    *makes hash mark in margin*

    Anonymous is not a choice.

    The choices are Kevin, CyberPete, Jill, First Nations and Michael Guy.

    Which reminds me…

    ANONYMOUS: We need either a nickname or real name from you for your vote to count. Jill is counting on you for what could be a tie-breaking vote!

    NATIONS: VOTE VOTE VOTE DAMMIT!!!

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  37. What's this about adding rules at the last minute? You truly take all the fun out of the internet.

    I reiterate my vote for Jill.

    -Anonymous

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  38. REGODDY: Welcome to Infomaniac!

    And thank you for your vote for Jill and for revealing your identity.

    It is Mistress MJ’s job to cast a pall over fun on the Internet!

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  39. I <3 Miss Boxer!

    Quite right!

    Do I have to vote? I want to vote for 'Petra.

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  40. CYBERPOOF: FFS VOTE!

    Mistress MJ is too tied up for the rest of the day to keep reminding you!

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  41. Hello. I'm Reed, Michael Guy's BCA [Blog Comment Assistant] and he's asked that I share his pride in just being recognized and nominated for this prestigious award.

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  42. cyberpete sounds like someone i know so that's where my vote is.

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  43. I'm killing time waiting for all of this drama to conclude.

    Do you suppose that in "Merkin-Inglush" that a récamier is pronounced ree-"came"-eye-er?
    Like "Pie-yurr" Sow Dakotee.

    Juss askin' is all, cain't say as I blames 'em?

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  44. I vote for Kevin because he's lovely and he voted for me.

    I also see some of him in me, or um you know what I mean, no?

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  45. Of course you know who the REAL high-maintenance queen is around here (ME) but I'm just being nice because its the right thing to do.

    I vote for Jill.

    I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED! I'M VERY SENSITIVE! NOW I HAVE A STRESS HEADACHE! DOES ANYONE HAVE A VALIUM?

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  46. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  47. What does RFN mean?

    I may be extremely high maintenance but I'm not all that bright ya know

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  48. confidential to cyberpete (or as I like to think of him, 'cyberpete')
    did you totally love las vegas? isn't it rad?

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  49. I don't share my Valium FN but I'll take that bottle of Bollinger off your hands. Now!

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  50. Vegas is the greatest place on earth. It's Nirvana!

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  51. I just expected more gay action I suppose but compared to San Francisco how could there be..

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  52. I'm a Moet et Chandon kinda gal, me. still trying to figure out what a rfn is. *pours glass of bubbly for cyberpete (0r as I like to think of him 'chicken and waffles')*

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  53. man you must not have gone to the right show. apparently the place to be was the Cirque du Soliel 'Sexualis'. *pours another glass and settles in for a talk*

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  54. No problemo, mon Belgie. I got that wrong btw-I meant 'Zumanity'. although i understand it attracted a rather 'long in the tooth' crowd. still, experience counts for a lot. *yanks cork from next bottle with teeth*

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  55. Sounds interesting. I did go to temple and had a religious experience when Bette Midler sat down and started singing 1 meter from my seat on the edge of the stage. It was Wind Beneath My Wings and there wasn't a dry eye in the house

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  56. You know I'm danish though, right?

    I also saw Holly Madisons boobs in Peepshow at the Hard Rock. It was less than thrilling.

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  57. Aw NO WAY! *pours another couple of glasses* You saw the Divine Miss M? What a great song for temple, too! Heck of a lot more appropriate than 'Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy' too. Oh man, those pipes! She does 'Do Ya Wanna Dance' and I go all funny in the knees, man. *is envious!!!!*

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  58. ...Danish, Belgian, African, you all look alike to me. *swigs from neck of bottle* Sorry about Holly Madisons boobs. We're working on that.

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  59. I know! She makes me go all weak in the knees too!

    It was awesome! If you get the chance you should go before she ends her run at Caesars. Although I just heard that Cher renewed her contract but somehow it's just not the same.

    I love Bette! I'd marry Bette!

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  60. True, we do.

    Thank you. Are you working on it like Canada is working on getting Celine Dingdong back? Because that's not turning out to be all that succesful

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  61. I have work tomorrow at 7am so I'd better go to bed. Have a good one. 'forgets bottle of valium and vicodin on the table'

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  62. Is Celine Dion somewhere? Did they lose her? I thought those people kept track of her! *begins hyperventilating and looking around in a panicked fashion* Come on man, don't mess with me. She isn't in Canada? Oh CRAP.

    No, I meant 'working on it' as in 'ignoring her until she goes away' pretty much. I wouldn't give you a nickle for that rack. Now Dita Von Teese? Even if they are rubber; now thats what I'm talking about.
    So you stayed at the Luxor? Was everyone dressed all Egyptian?

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  63. ..I mean like the staff, not you.

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  64. I was disappointed to learn staff was wearing murky brown/green regular uniforms. Next time I may stay at Caesars or Bellagio. Luxor was not very kool except for the odd shape of the room.

    Someone should slap cowbells on Celine or just plain slap her. Multiple times

    Dita IS sexy!

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  65. cyberpete aka my sweet petey pet! he has my vote! xoxoxo

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  66. Oh move over you wanna-be bitches, you know that Jill is the REAL BEYOTCH of all BEYOTCHES!!! Oops, I mean, high maintenance queen!

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  67. OBVIOUSLY!!!!!

    even though I did vote for you, darling.

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  68. BITCHES: What the HELL has been going on in here in my absence?!!!

    *takes puff from Ms. Nations’ inhaler*

    VOTING CLOSES AT 8:00 PM PACIFIC STANDARD TIME.

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  69. Make that 7:45 pm PST.

    I don't have all night to be futzing about, you know.

    VOTING HAS ENDED.

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