-Aeschylus
We all have to go sometime but exactly how will we go? Quietly in our sleep?
Some of us will expire in more unusual ways, as I discovered whilst reading Wikipedia’s List of Unusual Deaths…
1322: Humphrey de Bohun, 4th Earl of Hereford was fatally speared through the anus by a pikeman hiding under the bridge during the Battle of Boroughbridge.
1649: Sir Arthur Aston, Royalist commander of the garrison during the Siege of Drogheda, was beaten to death with his own wooden leg, which the Parliamentarian soldiers thought concealed golden coins.
1947: The Collyer brothers, extreme cases of compulsive hoarders, were found dead in their home in New York. The younger brother, Langley, died by falling victim to a booby trap he had set up, causing a mountain of objects, books, and newspapers to fall on him crushing him to death. His blind brother, Homer, who had depended on Langley for care, died of starvation some days later. Their bodies were recovered after massive efforts in removing many tons of debris from their home.
Collyer Brothers household? Or Beast's lair?
On 24 March 1975, Alex Mitchell, a 50-year-old bricklayer from King's Lynn, England, died laughing while watching the Kung Fu Kapers episode of The Goodies, featuring a Scotsman in a kilt battling a vicious black pudding with his bagpipes. After twenty-five minutes of continuous laughter Mitchell finally slumped on the sofa and expired from heart failure. His widow later sent the Goodies a letter thanking them for making Mitchell's final moments so pleasant.
Caution: Viewing the following "killer clip" may cause death...although Mistress MJ lived through it without so much as a mild guffaw. Killer bagpipe scene begins around 2:04…
What about you, bitches? How do you expect to die?
Catastrophic asteroid strike? Lockjaw? Frightened to death by faeries? Choking on a cheesy Wotsit? Pitchforks duel? Imprisonment in Mistress MJ’s oubliette?
Post coital bliss! At least that's the goal...
ReplyDeleteI second that coming and going plan!
ReplyDeleteThat being said my genetic predispositioning guarantees a fast untimely demise
courtesy of an exploding aorta or stroke.
I've never even considered succumbing to an alternative exit strategy...
it's pretty much a gimme.
*Famulus and Ponita walk in carrying a rather large and lumpy-looking roll of carpet between them*
ReplyDelete*They drop the roll of carpet (which emits a muffled "OW!") on the floor and give one end of it an almighty tug*
*The carpet unrolls dangerously fast spewing its contents (Ginro) onto the floor, who rolls across the ground at an alarmingly uncontrollable speed arms and legs flailing*
*He narrowly misses the oubliette, almost crashes into MJ who gracefully steps out of the way and ignores him, and crashes into the large bookcase on the other side of the room with a loud THUD! before coming to a stop*
*The large bookcase topples over and lands heavily on Ginro, along with all the books and ornaments from its shelves*
*Silence fills the air, shortly followed by muffled curses and wailing*
You &&%$%^$^%&^&***#$$$$!!!! Gently I said, GENTLY! Like in Cleopatra and Julius Caesar, not turn me into some kind of human bloody gyroscope!
Now that's one way I could've died.
ReplyDeleteIn Old K's arms.
ReplyDeleteduh.
I think Ginro is hallucinating.... must have inhaled too much bone dust down in the oubliette.
ReplyDeleteI don't plan on dying. I am just going to ride off into the sunset, taking Fammy with me, of course. He'll ride behind me.... Sure... that way too. ;-D
I was wondering why that clip was shown so infrequently on British TV, despite its place in pop culture iconography (the dying bricklayer). Now it's clear. Exactly how many ethnic stereotypes is it possible to squeeze into a sub-2:30 clip?
ReplyDeletecf the Bohun death; according to some accounts, King Edmund Ironside died in a similar manner, when an assassin hiding in the privy pit stabbed him in the arse. I like to think Edmund got a shot in first.
DONN: Which name will they chisel into your headstone?
ReplyDeleteDonn? Coppens? Homo Escapeons? Donnnnn? Lord Tennisanyone?
GINRO: Now that's one way I could've died.
I'm sure you have more where that came from.
*removes a novel from toppled shelf and settles into easy chair*
*asks houseboys to mix her a drink and remove the body*
BOXER: In Old K's arms.
ReplyDeleteOver my dead body!
PONITA: If you live too long you'll look like you were ridden hard and put away wet.
FOOTMAN: *adds King Edmund Ironside to list of kings (Elvis) who died toilet-related deaths*
EROS: Post coital bliss!
ReplyDeleteCuddling?
Ain't nothin' wrong with hard and wet, now is there?
ReplyDeleteCuddling, choking between two luscious thighs, or bondage gone horribly, horribly wrong...same thing.
ReplyDeleteI find that story about the man dying from laughter awfully suspicious. Was there an autopsy to see if he was poisoned? It's always the wife--she must've been pissed off at him for not taking out the trash or leaving the toilet seat up for the last time!
I shall peg in a landslide of dirty crockery in the cafe C kitchens no doubt or overcome by the poisonous vapours from the stinky duvet trampled to death perhaps b a roiting crowd of fashionista's desperate to touch my iconic MANBAG....the posibilities are endless
ReplyDeleteI seem to be losing letters :-(
ReplyDeleteDying of laughter?
ReplyDeleteSchott's Original Miscellany attributes the death of Burmese king Nandabayin in 1599 to his having "laughed to death when informed, by a visiting Italian merchant, that Venice was a free state without a king.
Well, this time I'd like to die of something new. Death by Abba, maybe? I'm not quite sure how it'd happen, but at least it'd be a surprise. Although, it sounds a bit like a fragrance...
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't recommend being drowned on a ducking stool - it was very inconvenient; burning at the stake stings somewhat; being pushed into my own oven was undignified; and don't even mention being melted with a bucket of dirty old water!
Death by disco or chocolate or possibly both?
ReplyDeletePONITA: Ain't nothin' wrong with hard and wet, now is there?
ReplyDeleteIf you're referring to a slap in the belly with a wet fish, then yes, there is something wrong with that.
EROS: I once fell off my chair from laughing during "Pee-wee's Big Adventure."
Had I hit my head on the floor, I might have died laughing too!
BEAST: Well at least you're not in danger of dying from the MANFLU!
BILLY: That made me titter.
Are you trying to kill me?
IVD: Can you die of a prolapsed rectum?
CYBERPOOF: Death by disco or chocolate or possibly both?
More likely death by disgruntled bloggers, fed up waiting for you to host the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Competition.
I just hope to get out of reading this load of crap alive.
ReplyDeleteOh bugger they threw me down this cellar again *again gain gain*
ReplyDeleteLuckily FNs breasts broke my fall or I could've died *died ied ied*
VICUS: I just hope to get out of reading this load of crap alive.
ReplyDeleteOh haven't you been informed?
My blog is printed out as bogroll in Hell so you'll never be free of me.
*insert your own blogroll/bogroll joke here*
GINRO: Oh bugger they threw me down this cellar again *again gain gain*
Luckily FNs breasts broke my fall or I could've died *died ied ied*
Those are BEAST's moobs.
i will probably die in an ice storm driving my freaking car trying to get home or something stupid like that...
ReplyDeleteSomething involving anal sex and a wooden leg... No, that's not very original, is it?
ReplyDeleteWhat were Oscar Wilde's last words? "Either that wallpaper goes, or I do".
I'm not rushing...
Actually this is quite a serious post really.
ReplyDeleteOne thing is for sure, in the general scheme of things, people rarely die the way they either hope to or expect to.
Take Lord Cardigan at the charge of the Light Brigade. Leading from the front he fully expected to be one of the first casualties - "Well, here goes the last of the Brudenells" - yet he came out of that without even a scratch. Unfortunately the same could not be said for many of those behind him.
People I've known, one shot in the chest and one shot in the head. Which one survived? The one shot in the head believe it or not. But did either of them get up that morning thinking "Well, today I'm going to get shot."
Some others burned alive, when only moments earlier they'd been quietly minding their own business.
Someone threatened to shoot me once ("Well here goes the last of the Ginro's") then changed his mind and went away.
Most of you will die when you least expect to.
DAISY: i will probably die in an ice storm driving my freaking car trying to get home or something stupid like that...
ReplyDeleteI suggest the Department of Highways use Ma Beastie's Chickpea Curry to salt the roads.
GORDIE: Something involving anal sex and a wooden leg... No, that's not very original, is it?
Maybe that's normal behaviour where you come from.
GINRO: Actually this is quite a serious post really.
Hello? This is Infomaniac you're talking about.
*puts on funny party hat and does silly walk*
funny you say that mj as the good governor here spent so much...stole so much...whatever...we have very little money for salt this year and yesterday's ice storm didn't do well with the cars...it was a freakin mess!
ReplyDeleteI believe Bill Oddie has personally apologised to Mrs Mitchell.
ReplyDeleteI do not intend to die until the wine runs out.
An accident in the library is a possibility, there are at least three historically proofen deaths of librarians who fell off ladders or where crashed by bookshelves and its contains.
ReplyDeleteI do not care because it's thankfully not my decision. But I would prefer to die quiet and without much ado. And there's always morphium.
I am with KAZ on this. There is still some Silvaner left.
"Some truths, too painful or too likely to provoke, can be spoken only when the listener has been disarmed by laughter."
ReplyDelete"A man may seye full sooth in game and pley"
"Jesters do oft prove prophets"
I haven't died yet and I see no reason to change it. As for Ponita being ridden hard and put away wet, that never happens. I always dry her off properly. It's called protecting your investment.
ReplyDeleteIf we can catch Ginro can we play the game with the carpet again? I liked that.
As for the death thing, well if I should out live Ponita, I'd ask FN to smother me... :-)
Likely in a way that the news accounts will have to gloss over with euphemisms.
ReplyDeletei have no clue and i want to keep it that way - the ultimate surprise, sugar! xooxo
ReplyDelete...I will return from the grave...
ReplyDeleteSx
Hopefully, painless & in my sleep.
ReplyDeleteScarls: That's scary. A blow up doll should never be used if it's caked in mud having just dug its self out of the ground. We'd need to wash you off, find the puncture, fix it and then reinflate.
ReplyDeleteIs that what you meant?
i expect it will be a surprise .. which is better than long and lingering. I just hope that i leave behind a few dirty secrets to shock my off-spring.
ReplyDeleteFammy looks after me so well! Thank you, darling....
ReplyDeleteAlthough in this clime, I may actually freeze to death. My eyelashes stuck together from the ice build-up! I think I got frostbite on my eyeballs this morning walking the dog - that was the only part of me exposed to the elements... and it feels like -40C out there!
Fammy, I think perhaps a relocation to Amsterdam is in order. Got space for me in your new space?
Ponita: For you? Of course! Right under me. It's a single bed, but if we both keep a good grip, then we should manage not to fall out...
ReplyDeleteI'm currently missing just one thing and that's a fridge...
Didn't I tell you I mailed the shorts to you last month?
ReplyDeleteI will leave all my money to the pub when I die, which is a bit pointless as it already has all my money.
ReplyDeletedo I see you and I dying in a death match over Old K and his cap?
ReplyDeleteYou live in Amsterdam Famulus? Whereabouts, city centre or the outskirts?
ReplyDeleteDAISY: I had forgotten that Blag-whassiname-ich is your governor!
ReplyDeleteBumpy road ahead.
KAZ: I do not intend to die until the wine runs out.
I see you have a bottle of vodka prepared in case of the inevitable.
Is that a backup plan?
MAGO: Someone accidentally dropped a book on my head whilst I was browsing in the stacks.
I could have been another casualty of the minefield that is the library.
Pass the Silvaner.
GINRO: "Some truths, too painful or too likely to provoke, can be spoken only when the listener has been disarmed by laughter."
Too true.
We should have a philosopher’s day here on Infomaniac.
*pencils note in margin*
FAMULUS: As for the death thing, well if I should out live Ponita, I'd ask FN to smother me... :-)
ReplyDeleteOr Ponita could sit on your face!
XL: Likely in a way that the news accounts will have to gloss over with euphemisms.
His “throbbing purple pneumatic drill of love” performed its last job before its hose burst.
SAVANNAH: i have no clue and i want to keep it that way - the ultimate surprise, sugar! Xooxo
Let’s hope it comes in the form of Southern Comfort.
SCARLET: ...I will return from the grave...
You mean from beneath Beast’s stinky duvet?
HEFF: What? No beer involved?
ReplyDeleteFAMULUS: Did you mention CAKE?
CARNALIS: I just hope that i leave behind a few dirty secrets to shock my off-spring.
They just need to read your blog!
PONITA: The west coast wussies are moaning about minus ONE degree.
They’d freeze on the spot in a Winnipeg winter.
FAMULUS: If you lived in WinterPeg with Ponita you wouldn’t need a fridge.
You just plonk your perishables on the windowsill.
CYBERPOOF: Didn't I tell you I mailed the shorts to you last month?
ReplyDeleteThey’ve fallen into the hands of my postie.
I thought he was just getting into the spirit of the season when I saw him making his rounds in green shorts.
GARFY: I will leave all my money to the pub when I die, which is a bit pointless as it already has all my money.
Why not have your ashes buried at the bar?
BOXER: do I see you and I dying in a death match over Old K and his cap?
There will be no death match as OLD KNUDSEN has left the cap to me in his will.
GINRO: Feel free to chat amongst yourselves.
Just pretend I’m not here.
Miss Scarlet. In the conservatory. With stinky duvet. And a match.
ReplyDeleteSx
I actually just read a book about this subject. How weird! I think I will die at the age of 89, with 10,000 cats and an equal amount of crazy hats. I will be drinking Peppermint tea when I suffer a mild stroke after watching that video. Miss Pittypat (one of my cats) will dial 911 because she is very talented. My underwear will be clean however.
ReplyDeleteGinro: I live in Amstel 15mins walk from the station.
ReplyDeleteMJ: Ponita sitting on my face won't kill me. I know, we tried... And no, no cake, but if I get some sprinkles together then Carnalis will swap them for cake and then we'd be in lemon heaven again... Nope, no fridge needed in Winterpeg. Proof if it were needed that Ponita is HOT STUFF...
SCARLET: Miss Scarlet. In the conservatory. With stinky duvet. And a match.
ReplyDeleteLet’s have a ritual burning of Beast’s stinky duvet!
RANDOM: My underwear will be clean however.
That’s more than you can say for most of our readers!
FAMULUS: The Dutch (even though you’re a Brit in Holland) love the Canadians.
You and Ponita would be a natural pairing.
MJ, I thought you were still asleep, lol. A very good morning to you and would you like me to fetch you a coffee?
ReplyDeleteFamulus: Lived there myself for a couple of years and I thought of going back there one time just to see what it was like these days, but decided not to as I'd rather keep my memories as they are.
I used to live just of the Leidseplein on the Zieseniskade, then moved to the Nieuwezijds Voorburgwal just round the corner from the Palace. Long time ago though, so a lot has probably changed.
Ginro: Yes, I expect lots has changed. Holland is very much a work in progress. I'm on the S113 about 3km inside the A10. 5km from Centraal Station I think. I hardly ever go into the centre but I may sometimes now that I'm closer. I work next to the Ajax Arena, 5km by bike, much better than the 90km by train from Schagen when I lived in Callantsoog. Still not been to a coffee shop though.
ReplyDeleteMJ: What do you mean would be??? We ARE!
GINRO & FAMULUS: Shall I do a special "Life in Holland" post?
ReplyDeleteHas either one of you stuck your finger in a dike?
God plan Mistress. No the dikes here are a little fussy about who they get fingered by. I'm not allowed anywhere near them... :-(
ReplyDeleteWait. What sort of dyke?
I don't remember sticking my finger in any dyke, but I do remember it's where I first learnt to love eating escargots. It was in a place called the Nightwatch and they had to get me drunk first. I wouldn't even touch them sober, lol.
ReplyDeleteFAMULUS & GINRO: Alright, alright.
ReplyDeleteEnough talk about The Netherlands and more talk about your nether regions.
And yes, kikkerbillen tastes just like chicken.
ReplyDeleteWhat would you like me to tell about my nether regions? you've seen the back half and the front half is only available by subscription...
ReplyDeleteOh I see! My nether regions! LOL!
ReplyDeleteGINRO & FAMULUS: Don't the pair of you have your OWN blogs to go to?
ReplyDeleteI'll reserve a little corner on this blog for you tomorrow to continue your Dutch chit chat.
Stay tuned.
I don't need to tell you anything about my nether regions MJ, you've already seen them.
ReplyDeleteGINRO: Are you referring to that trouser-clad photo of your arse or the photo of your wee willie?
ReplyDeleteBoth, lol. It was tiny wasn't it? LOLOL!
ReplyDeleteWee Willie Winkie runs through the town
Upstairs downstairs with his little bottom brown
Rapping at the window, crying through the lock,
Has someone got a magic wand? I want a great big...
*hang on the phones ringing*
And you don't need to give Famulus and me a corner of our own, we were just having a little chat. And I don't like going to my own blog at the moment, as all the crap that's going on depresses me, and you're the only one that cheers me up.
Wee willie winkle? Is that you Ginro?
ReplyDeleteHey, Ginro spreek je wat Nederlands? Zullen we MJ een beetje pesten? ;-)
GINRO: And you don't need to give Famulus and me a corner of our own, we were just having a little chat.
ReplyDeleteToo late now. A place has been prepared. Along with some quality entertainment if the others don't want to join in with you and Famulus.
FAMULUS: *slaps forehead*
I hope to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
ReplyDeleteTROLL: I hope to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
ReplyDeleteIs Troll short for trolley?
Famulus hang on bud it was more than twenty years ago and I haven't used it since, lol! I spoke enough just to get by. But one of the problems was, they wanted to practice their English, but I wanted to practice my Dutch, but they wanted to practice their English and so on, lol.
ReplyDeleteGinro: I know the problem well...
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to get slapped by Mistress. It worked... :-)
GINRO & FAMULUS: I'll send both of you to my room if you don't behave.
ReplyDeleteFammy, you're 69th.
Käsköpp' ...
ReplyDeleteMAGO: YOU can head straight to my room too.
ReplyDelete*slaps bottom*
I expect to live forever... failing that I will die taking a hair pin bend at 100 mph in a convertible , with a bottle of Jack in one hand and a giggling sixteen year old blond on the other...
ReplyDeleteWhat country is this? Was there mention of fingering. Death by fingering?
ReplyDeleteSx
MUTLEY: Will you be dressed as a woman with your lime green boxer shorts on underneath?
ReplyDeleteSCARLET: What vile porn set have I wandered onto?
head down in a bowl of soup over a guests table during a saturday night shift......the guests will complain that there is a dead waiter in their soup but the manger will give them a bottle of wine on the house and all will be okay.......I'll get moved beside the rubbish to be put out at the end of the night.......it really is the way i want to go.......
ReplyDeleteYou must snap a photo of him and stick it on your blog for the compo then.
ReplyDelete*Flutter of papers and sudden whoosh of air as Ginro charges of to MJ's room*
ReplyDeleteMago: Cheesehead yourself. :-P
ReplyDeleteScarls: Possibly my death by fingering where it's not welcome...
MJ: Wey hey! 69. Cool. Do I get a prize? :-)
To your room? Well, honey, I'm a little out of shape today, but I promise you'll never forget ...
ReplyDeleteFamulus
It's just a response to the netherlandish friendly word for Germans, "moffen" or "moffenkopp". It's some time since I was in the country, but had only a short time in Amsterdam.
MANUEL: A typical Saturday night shift then, eh?
ReplyDeleteI'll be there giving your sugarloaf a final pinch as you plunge head first into the soup.
CYBERPOOF: Shouldn't you be in bed by now?
GINRO, FAMMY & MAGO: Naughty boys!
I want to die discovering the elixier of eternal life.
ReplyDeleteAnd not quite have time to tell anyone about it.
KAPI: If e-lixer, I'd like him to lick me too when he's finished.
ReplyDeleteIt would appear that everyone has lived in Amsterdam at some point...
ReplyDeleteAnd to think that I almost missed my chance... ;-)