Then fill out the application form pictured below for the Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service.
(click if you’re old and can’t read it)
MEN: Just tell us the kind of women you wish to meet.
If you’re a gay man or maybe just a bit poofy, tell us the kind of men you wish to meet.
WOMEN: We regret that we here at Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service are operating on a shoestring budget.
Therefore, we can’t afford to create separate application forms for the ladies.
We ask you to cross out “Men! Men! Men! Men!” and replace it with “Women! Women! Women! Women!” and then fill out the application form telling us what kind of MEN you wish to meet.
It’s really that simple!
The staff here at at Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service are standing by, waiting to review your applications...
Note: Boring election post beneath this one.
Name: Eroswings
ReplyDeleteAddress: Eros Den
USA! USA! USA!
About myself:
I'm in the service industry, and I aim to please all my clients satisfactorily. My mission statement: Come happy, leave with a smile.
What kind of woman am I looking for:
I would like a woman with a vagina--preferably her own. Also, a rich woman would be a big plus, but I welcome independent working women--like that secretary with what looks like a clean, smooth work space. I wouldn't mind helping her with some heavy dictation and taking care of her inbox.
I would also prefer disease free--or at least a letter from the doctor verifying no chance of infection at this time.
I can't guarantee love, but for the right incentive, I can luv you a long time!
Oh lets face it
ReplyDeleteGiven enough drink I will go for anything standing on two legs
I want a rich blonde nymphomaniac who lives above a pub.
ReplyDeleteSorry to be so predictable.
NAME: Kooka
ReplyDeleteADDRESS: 54 Gumtree Lane
CITY: Melbourne ZONE: 3 hour parking
STATE: of euphoria
_______________________________
What kind of woman am i looking for?
The lady in the photo will do for starters.
When will I be receiving my letters and will they be French??
Name: Kapitano
ReplyDeleteAddress: Average
Hair: 43
Age: n/a
Status: (as above)
Profession: 3.1415926
Income: Thursday
I am looking for a woman with a brother. Or a son if she's older. A nephew would be nice.
He should have his mother's eyes and his father's indulgence. Spectacles that make him look like a sweet and helpless puppy would also be an advantage.
The woman should be either broadminded or not very observant. She should enjoy cooking, homemaking, and being elsewhere for long periods.
Ladies with male relatives in acting or service professions will receive preference.
i think i will just stick with my dogs...thanks anyway mj...i only have to feed them twice a day...let them out to do their thing a few times a day...and they snuggle me all night and love me all day...plus they don't talk...works for me!
ReplyDeleteHA! Eroswings..awesome letter, "preferably her own" HA!
ReplyDeleteHow is it that you are able to comment in italics or bold at will?Will you teach me Yoda?
MJ I got scared off because it sounded more like slave trading. The Eurotrash Slavers who raid the Coastal African villages state;
"This kind of offer will not be repeated if we can get enough men for our women." You know how those Sailors begin to prefer men after a few months at Sea...ever been to Sea?
And then it sounds as if the American Colonials only want to trade in couples "No Man Is Any Good Without A Woman" because Massa likes to get 'cookin' in dee kitchen while dee men is workin' in dem fields all dee live long day.
MJ, you could have at least taken the picture of me looking AT the camera so everyone could see my pretty blue eyes. And actually typing on the paper instead of throwing it in the garbage.... I CAN type, you know! I'm not just a pretty face and a pair of nice bazooms!
ReplyDelete((harrumph! stomps off in a huff, jiggling nicely))
Do Not Send Money. Cash on delivery?
ReplyDeleteEROS: You’ve only gone and excited my steno pool with your exciting profile.
ReplyDeleteMy secretaries are all a titter.
Especially this one.
BEAST: We’re all breathing a sigh of relief that you specified TWO legs.
GARFY: A rich blonde nymphomaniac who lives above a pub?
You can’t have Liz McDonald as she belongs to our Geoff.
Bet Lynch, perhaps?
KOOKABURRA: I can assure you you’ll get responses from women.
Who could resist 3 hour parking?
Our service provides complimentary French letters to all applicants.
KAPI: Your profession, though irrational, is sure to attract spectacle-wearing academics.
ReplyDeleteDAISY: Your dogs don’t talk?
So I guess none of these dogs belong to you?
DONN: Eroswings kindly offers tutorials on bolding and italics.
Sadly, I was not his star pupil and had to be held after class for detention.
The only slave trading here is when I recruit various Infomaniac bitches to scrub my floors.
PONYGIRL: Great!
I’ll hook you up with Eroswings who’s looking for someone to take dicktation.
LEAH: Just send us your credit card details.
Hell, I'll just take the receptionist in the picture. She looks fine to me.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Daisy - I'm sticking with my dogs - they are loyal, don't talk back, eat whatever I feed them and even though they do pee on the floor (at times) it's not as bad as finding the toilet seat left up.
ReplyDeleteMJ, I've checked out that link, but it appears that particular receptionist, while well dressed, lacks the current one's huge talents (nor does he have her vagina).
ReplyDeleteDonn, I have a blog post dedicated to formatting comments. It's on my blog, on the right, under the section heading of "Helpful Hints". Here's a direct link.
Donn I shall answer for Eros as he showed me how to do this on his blog. highlighting and bolding using the normal html commands by enclosing the word or phrase "" and close with " to italicise and "" and "" to boldicise .(You obviously dont need the " " when you do it for real i just had to do that so that the dumbass compooter didnt thing it was html) . Works on posts and comments ....see what i did there :-)
ReplyDeleteha ha ha the dumbass computer has replaced the html commands with the word and
ReplyDeletei give up , over to you eros
ReplyDeleteHEFF: Would you bitches quit trying to steal my staff?!
ReplyDeleteBOXER: I’m convinced you’re responsible for this.
EROS: I tried the italics thingy you taught us and failed.
I need you to tutor me privately.
BEAST: Oh crap. Beast can do it but I can’t.
So ashamed.
Or maybe not.
ReplyDeleteHA!
Name: Random Chick
ReplyDeleteAddress: Lost
Hair: I've got some.
Age: 41
Status: What?
Profession: Drunken Blogger
Income: $2.00
I am looking for my sanity. Can you help me find it? I don't care if it is a man or a woman. I just need it right now. Okay?
I've done my bit. If my bit is to steal your application thing and post it on my own blog.
ReplyDeletenames: cheese and voices
ReplyDeletehair: heh heh...
income: gobs of cash laying about
age:old enough to be parents/young enough to be carded at the pakage store
status: looking for that special house helper
yeah, she would be for the both of us, you know pretty to look at, lots of places to stick wads of cash that we leave laying around, clean house, entertain us when we are not whapping away at each other... etc...
RANDOM: Would you like a date with Eroswings?
ReplyDeleteHe’s available NOW and he also does private tutoring…if you know what I mean.
CYBERPOOF: Desperate measures for a desperate man.
VOICES: Random’s up for grabs if you’re not fussy.
I don’t know how she’d feel about being “wiener whapped” though.
MJ, I'll try to show how to do the italics thing step by step:
ReplyDelete1. TYPE <
2. TYPE i
3. TYPE >
(DO NOT HIT SPACE BAR! Just follow next step)
4. TYPE word(s) to be italicized (AND DO NOT HIT SPACE BAR! There should be NO SPACE after the last word you want italicized. Just follow next step)
5. TYPE <
6. TYPE /
7. TYPE i
8. TYPE >
9. CLICK Preview button to see if it worked. CLICK Publish if happy.
10. If you want to use bold, just follow the same steps, except replace i with b.
EROS: Like this?
ReplyDeleteI DID IT! I DID IT!
ReplyDelete*waggles arse at Beast*
EROS: Does this mean our private tutoring session is cancelled?
ReplyDeletebut can you bold letter your italics?
ReplyDeleteAbsofuckinglutely
ReplyDeleteHa Ha eros , thats th way to demonstrate it without the dumbass computer translating it as something else MJ is a THICKO
ReplyDeleteVOICES: I don't need the fancy bells and whistles, thank you.
ReplyDeleteCYBERPOOF: Stop showing off.
Or I'll tell everyone you're not really 26.
BEAST: That's "th" way?
Th?
Have you suddenly got Jamie Oliver's thick tongue stuck in your head?
I don't type with my tongue
ReplyDeleteBEAST: Maybe you should TRY!
ReplyDeleteOk, I'll stop. But only because nobody likes a show-off.
ReplyDeleteBecause I really am 26
Congratulations! Gold Star! It would appear you no longer need private lessons; the private tutoring has become an open study group with lots of participants spewing their thought contents.
ReplyDeleteAs for Inner Voices question, yes, you can bold and italicize at the same time!
Same steps with a few additions:
1. TYPE <
2. TYPE i
3. TYPE >
4. TYPE <
5. TYPE b
6. TYPE >
(DO NOT HIT SPACE BAR! Just follow next step)
7. TYPE word(s) to be italicized (AND DO NOT HIT SPACE BAR! There should be NO SPACE after the last word you want italicized. Just follow next step)
8. TYPE <
9. TYPE /
10.TYPE b
11.TYPE >
12.TYPE <
13.TYPE /
14.TYPE i
15.TYPE >
9. CLICK Preview button to see if it worked. CLICK Publish if happy.
Just remember, if you started with i tag, then you should finish with i tag. If you started with b tag, then your last step should be b tag.
eros, thanks! i knew it could be done... even though mj doesnt need all the fancy stuff. heh heh.
ReplyDeleteIs now a good time to mention there's over a hundred other tags?
ReplyDeleteOh dear. I've just spent 15 minutes trying to think of the kind of men I'd like to meet. No wonder I don't have a boyfriend.
ReplyDelete* revisits the Jake Gyllenhaal Celebrity Arse post in frustration *
ha ha HA
ReplyDeleteBITCHES: Could we get back on track here?
ReplyDelete*thank you, IVD*
Mistress MJ hereby declares tomorrow, Thursday, as Blogging Tips & Tricks Day on Infomaniac.
So all you HTML wizards and geekoids with hot blogging tips can visit tomorrow and continue the discussion.
oooo.... tits!!!! i love tits!!! hot blogging tits... so sweet... thanks mj!
ReplyDeleteI am not turning tricks tomorrow I have a bad back
ReplyDeleteok, so enough of html...when the fuck did jimmy's site go invitation only?
ReplyDeletei.a.crushed.
i.wasn't.invited.
dammit.
xxoxoo
(i need a date for a blacktie event on saturday.*sigh* the MITM was supposed to be here.)
YAY, number 44!
ReplyDeleteRed head.
Naked.
With a twin.
Confused boundary issues.
That pretty much covers it.
nooooo, but that movie will make me responsible for me saving more chihuahaus. Can you help me start a dating service for dogs who were adopted by stupid people?
ReplyDeleteVOICES: TIPS not TITS!
ReplyDelete*adjusts blogging tits and flounces off*
BEAST: There have been no offers for your tricks anyway.
I couldn’t GIVE you away if I wanted to.
SAVANNAH: I wasn’t invited either.
Would you like a date with Beast?
I can’t GIVE him away.
MAXI: Ginger twins?
The Proclaimers?
BOXER: Don’t match up the stupid people with other people or they’ll breed more stupid people.
Did that sound stupid?