The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Conspiracy

As you know, Beast won The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts and they’ll soon be winging their way back to England.

But Miss Scarlet has other ideas.

Here we see Miss Scarlet and Mistress MJ conspiring on how to intercept The Shorts and keep them out of Beast’s hands…

[via]

On the Canadian end of things, Mistress MJ will try employing hawks to halt the mail delivery from Canada to England.

Failing that, Miss Scarlet intends to nick The Shorts as they flap in the breeze on Beast’s clothesline.

There is talk of taking the kidnapped Shorts to Buckingham Palace.

While Miss Scarlet and I are scheming, let’s have a look at Beast’s winning caption for The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition.

Here’s the original photo that Donn posted and asked us to caption…

And now here’s Beast’s impressive handiwork...

If Old Knudsen were King and Miss Mj were Queen!

Congratulations, Beast.

But don’t set your hopes high in actually ever having The Shorts in your possession.

Those of you interested in furthering Miss Scarlet's evil plan to intercept The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts may submit your suggestions for our consideration.

Sizzlin’ Sunday

A busy day is in store for Mistress MJ so she’ll just give you the sizzlin’ highlights for now…

Want to know who won The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts?

Well, head on over to Donn’s to find out! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

AND it’s Hallowe’en!

We know how much you like trick or treating…

So before we run off, we’ll leave you with a little treat…a game you can play amongst yourselves until Mistress MJ returns…

(click to enlarge a little)
[via]

Gimme Keef

Mistress MJ is spending the next couple of days curled up with Keef…

Yes, the rumour that Keef snorted his father’s ashes is true.

I’m also looking forward to the release of the audiobook as read by Johnny Depp.

See you when I resurface, bitches.

If you need something to do in the meantime, why not visit The Hair Hall of Fame?

Created by our own Ask the Cool Cookie, it’s the place to go for all your hair and beauty needs.

Ask for an appointment with Mistress MJ or one of our other fine beauticians. But not AyeM8y as he’ll burn your scalp and steal from your handbag.

REMINDER:

Time is running out to win THE FREAKIN’ GREEN ELF SHORTS! You have until Midnight Saturday Oct 30th.

All you have to do is click on Donn’s blog HERE, create a caption for the photo below, and YOU could be the next big winner!

Gossip Session

Earlier, we asked you to tell longtime, just-back-from-hiatus Infomaniac Bitch Ms. Nations a little about yourselves.

Frankly, we were disappointed in your half-arse efforts.

Oh sure, lots of you turned out for the occasion but you didn’t spill much about yourselves.

So let’s take it up a notch.

Pick any one (or more!) Infomaniac Bitch(es) and tell us about them.

That’s right.

We want you to dish the dirt and let Ms. Nations know ALL about each other.

Call Now!

See those calling cards inside this telephone box?...

One of those cards belongs to our friend Ms. Nations who has finally returned from an EIGHT MONTH hiatus.

If you’re a newcomer to Infomaniac, pick up the phone, give her a call, and tell her who you are.

Wait, scratch that.

EVERYBODY pick up the phone, give Ms. Nations a call, and tell her who you are. (You can magically do this by leaving a comment here).

No doubt her mind is nothing but a purple haze after mushroom season in the Pacific Northwest so she’ll need to be reminded who’s who.

You might also want to tell her what’s been going on around here for the past EIGHT MONTHS so she’s brought up to speed.

Thanking you in advance,

Mistress MJ

The Return of First Nations!

Following an 8-month hiatus, First Nations is back, bitches!

[via]

Kipper Surprise

Those of you who know our friend Beast are aware that “Kipper Surprise” is on the menu at his place of employ; the notorious Café C in Dorchester, England.

So we’ve decided to import this dish and serve it here at the Infomaniac Diner...

Can you think of anything else we should add to our menu?

Me?...Intimate Odour?

[via]
Source: Dolly Magazine (Australia), March 1972.

If your friends aren’t this frank, we here at Infomaniac are.

It Has Delivered

Don’t bother responding to this news item as frankly, I don’t want to hear about it.

Oktoberfest

Mistress MJ will be out all day Saturday enjoying Oktoberfest.

Well, it’s not the mother-of-all-Canadian Oktoberfests located in Kitchener-Waterloo, Ontario but rather a miniature version located here.

But just like the big Oktoberfest, there’ll be beer, men in lederhosen, Schuhplattler and sausage!

See you back here on Sunday, bitches.

Prosit!

Filthy Friday

Double hap-penis.

[via]

The New Infomaniac Orchestra

Mistress MJ has been busy reviewing your résumés and audition tapes.

She was unable to pick just one so you’re all hired! (Although XL is on probation…details to follow).

Let’s begin with the WIND SECTION:

JASON…

“Skin Flute Academy:
Graduated
Summa Cum Loud.”


DAMIEN…

“I can blow any horn put in front of me.”


ASK THE COOL COOKIE…

“And Oh, did I mention that I am also a skilled at the 'Bag and Pipe'? One must grasp the pipe, and blow whilst skilfully manipulating the bag. If you squeeze the bag too hard, it lets out this miserable whining sound.”


HAYWARD:

“For my audition I'd like to play Canadian Sunset on the finger cymbals and slide whistle.”

We hope to have Hayward untangled in time for rehearsal.


MISS SCARLET…

“I play sax! I have a mean fingering technique and a tight embouchure.”

BRASS SECTION:

MR. PEENEE…

“Unlike these rank amateurs, I am a certified tubaist. Hit it, boys.”

Peenee’s Valium prescription must be cut in half before he may continue with the Orchestra.

PERCUSSION:

AYEM8Y(MEAN DIRTY PIRATE)…

“I play a mean organ.”

And he knows “Fairy Kisses” by heart!


DONN:

“I used to play the drums, kazoo, and the field. Thanks to years of DRUMMING with headphones cranked to "11" I have tinniiiiiiiiitus.The Kazooing earned me a spot on the RCMP's suspected Communist file.”


DONN (again):

“And all that I have to show for my selfish, lusty sexploits of teenaged, hardbodied nymphomaniacs, are a few vivid memories of pure-perfect-moments of unbridled, pretzelian, carnal pleasure...
*lights cigarette and smiles.
which will never-ever-EVER happen to me again...ever...unless someone invents a time machine that allows you to look like you did but retain what you know now.”


BEAST...

***farts Canadien National Anthem while accompanying self on the spoons***

And speaking of Beast…

Over-stimulated by the excitement of playing with The Infomaniac Orchestra, Beast “accidentally” sits on Donn’s drumstick…

OTHER:

XL’s “Air on a G-String”, though masterfully executed, may be a health hazard. When air is blown or forced directly into a G-string — without allowing any air to escape — an air embolism (the abnormal presence of air in the cardiovascular system) could form, which can be fatal.

Further occupational health and safety research is required before XL is permitted to join the Orchestra on a full-time basis.

MISS JANEY…

“Miss J IS her own instrument. And how she enjoys playing with herself.”

Here we see Miss Janey tuning in National Public Radio.

GROUPIES:

ROSES...

[via]

When not banging the talent, Miss Roses studies hard in hopes of being truly able to say, “I’m with the band” and mean it.



Not surprisingly, our first rehearsal has deteriorated into this…

IT'S THE NEW INFOMANIAC ORCHESTRA, BITCHES!

NOTE: Unless otherwise noted, many of these photos are from Wayne’s Nude Musicians blog.

Infomaniac Orchestra Auditions

Due to an unfortunate accident, the Infomaniac Orchestra is one member short.

If you can play an instrument, please submit your résumé and/or an audition tape.

Underwear Solutions

When shopping for underwear, are you faced with the bewilderment of boxers versus briefs?

Or are you still letting your mummy select your underthingies?

Your one-stop-solution is to win The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts!

They’re the ultimate in comfort!

Visit Donn’s blog and you could be the next big winner!!!

The Miraculous Healing Powers of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts

Are you suffering or in pain?

Or perhaps you’re trying to outrun and hide from your shameful past?

[via]

Join the thousands who have been miraculously healed by wearing The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts!

Simply visit Donn’s blog and YOU could win The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts!

Heal thyselves, bitches!

The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition!

The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts are back and YOU could be the next winner!!!

Visit DONN to find out how!

Ah, the memories of when Mistress MJ held them near and dear to her body…

Now they’re back in Canada (in Winnipeg, Manitoba) where Donn is holding The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competiton.

How do you win them, you ask?

Simply visit Donn’s blog where he’s posted a photo of himself wearing The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts.

Whoever comes up with the best caption wins "The Shorts".

You can enter as many captions as you wish.

If you win, Donn will send you The Shorts along with a few Canadian souvenirs.

You, in turn, get to host the next The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition.

So what are you waiting for?

You KNOW you want them!

Visit Donn now!!!

And if you want to know more about The Shorts and where in the world they’ve been, click here for The Definitive History of Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts.

Map of the Elf Shorts Travel Adventures...

(click to enlarge)