Win A New Boyfriend! – Voting Day

The prize…


Grow a Boyfriend! Mr. Right grows 600% his size in water! Place your grow item in room temperature water. It will begin to grow within 2 hours and will be full size in 72 hours. When removed from water it will slowly shrink back to its original size. Your grow item can be grown again and again!

Earlier this month, we asked you to tell us why you need a new boyfriend (or girlfriend, as the case may be).

Well now it’s time to vote for your favourite. The bitch with the most votes wins a new boyfriend.

Everyone is welcome to vote but you cannot vote for your own entry.

Simply select your fave plea for a new boyfriend/girlfriend from the following list. The name of each blogger is under their entry …



I want a Grow A Girlfriend, because I can enjoy her company whenever I want and put her away without worrying about her complaining or nagging about my friends or habits or my penchant for sci fi and video games, fishing and the firing range.

And I don't have to worry about her hogging all the covers at night or using all the hot water, taking forever to get ready and complaining about having nothing to wear, and I won't have to deal with monthly meltdowns and mood swings.

- Eroswings


The REAL question is--why does HE deserve ME!?

- Michael Rivers


Maybe a grow your own dildo that doesn’t talk back. I just want the size and shape of a boyfriend. This grow your own boyfriend sounds enticing but I’m still trying to remove the dent in my mattress from the last occupant. Now I know why you need a new mattress...bad boyfriends leave bad boyfriend energy burred in your mattress.

Do they make a grow your own cat?

Actually I don't want another boyfriend. I'm kind of in the market, the black market, for a gay slave with a ball gag so he can't talk back.

But I don't want to have to grow him or water him everyday.

- Ayem8y



I don't need a new boyfriend per se but is there a 'f*ck me like the bitch that I am' substitute?

- Michael Guy


I don't like my sister's boyfriend - if I had a substitute I could push the one I don't like over a cliff.

- Lulu LaBonne


Things have been a little slow in that department for some time now. Willing to consider reasonably convincing post-op.

- XL


As far as I'm concerned, the more the merrier.

- Miss Scarlet


And What... may one ask... does one do with a new home groan boyfriend?

If only we wer'nt on water restrictions... the pleasure he would bring.

No more snoring, grunting and dutch ovens. Food crumbs and toenail clippings to discover in those hidden nooks and crannies.

No complaints of "turn off that light i'm trying to sleep"... just when I get to the juicy bit of the penny dreadful I'm reading. Oh the un interupted reading I would enjoy. What Bliss. Utter Bliss...

- Princess


Because I've always wanted to date a choking hazard.

- Jason


What flavours does this boyfriend come in? Josh Brolin? Connor Trinneer? Simon Reeve? Tim?!
Hold the sprinkles, please.

- Inexplicable DeVice (IVD)


I need a new boyfriend because:

* I want to make the old one jealous so he'll come back to me.

* It'll give me the excuse to personally deliver it to Michael Rivers for his comment.

* It'll be good to watch something grow 600% and know I did it.

* Piggy's already got all the boyfriend he can handle. All any of us can handle. Including the love handles.

* I can take him out on a dinner date and say "Oh, don't you want yours?" - and scoff his food like I'm doing him a favour.

* I can leave him in my bed to make it look like I'm asleep - while I climb out the window to go partying all night.

* I can send Infomaniac some photos of it when it's fully, um, erect.

- Kapitano


because I'm sad, needy and desperate for love.

- CyberPete


sure, send me a new boyfriend and i'll shoot him in the fucking back just like the last one.
max, MAX....turn on the water!

- Normadesmond


kabuki -star of both stage AND screen - has had to carry the garbage out since 1986. That is the only reason to have a boyfriend, and that is all I would have him do. Unless I spilled something. "Boyfriend - absorb that spilled mai tai." (Instead of absorbing everything in my refridgerator) PLUS - even megastars get lonely. Or so i have been told.

- kabuki zero




That’s it, bitches!

You have all day Monday and Tuesday to vote.

The winner will be announced on Wednesday!

While You're Waiting

While you're waiting for the Win A New Boyfriend Voting Day to begin on Monday, we ask you to make NO mention of THIS.



We already know about it and we don't care.

Happy Birthday, Michael Guy!

From the top of your tiara…



To the tips of your toes…



And all parts in between…



We wish you a happy birthday, Michael Guy!

We hope you’re having fun this weekend at “International Mr. Leather” in Chicago. Looks like you’ve done a little shopping at the Leather Market…



Bitches: Michael Guy has recently celebrated six years of blogging!



Contest Alert!: Win A New Boyfriend Voting Day(s) will take place this Monday and Tuesday.

Mojo Risin’

Mistress MJ has regained her blogging mojo thanks to the many Infomaniac bitches who left comments or emailed following the loss of our long-time Infomaniac bitch, Mr. Mutley.

And those of you who posted a little something for Mistress MJ on your blogs…I refer to XL and Beast.

XL:



You are all familiar with XL: Infomaniac Official Pillow Fluffer and Personal IT Consultant to Mistress MJ.

XL went far beyond the call of duty by test-driving (at great expense) new pillows for Mistress MJ.

As XL’s reward, Mistress MJ plans to spend a day fluffing his pillows for a change.

Read about XL's adventures in pillow testing here.


BEAST:



And then there’s Beast…the cheeky bugger.

In an attempt to, and I quote, “join me in wishing Mistress MJ a speedy return to her Mojo,” Beast had the nerve to post about Mistress MJ’s beaver!

And some nonsense about a “manglewurzel” which is, I suspect, something imaginary made up to confuse us Colonials.

Read more here.


Note: A special thank you to Miss Scarlet, who can always be relied upon to keep the uppity Beast in his place when Mistress MJ is at her wits end.

Filthy Friday – TittieFest!

Today’s Filthy Friday is dedicated to the memory of Mutley the Dog.

A man who appreciated a fine set of knockers.

Tits for all seasons! …





And tits for no reasons! (Just becuz tits)...


[via]





And finally, Mr. Mutley’s personal favourite…the lovely Bonita…

Head Rejigging

A team of experts has been called in to examine Mistress MJ’s head…



Something seems to be amiss…



The head specialist turns to Infomaniac’s bitches for answers.

What’s happening?

Discombobulated

Mistress MJ finds herself a wee bit discombobulated following the loss of Mr. Mutley.

As a result, she is having her head rejigged in an effort to restore her blogging mojo…



I hope to catch up with all of you soon as I haven’t been visiting your blogs.

In the meantime, I’m having a few much needed laughs reading Mr. Mutley’s Twitter page.

I’m not a Twitterer (Tweeter? Twat?) so until today, I’d taken no notice of it.

Examples of Mutley’s Tweets are as follows (in no particular order)…

Does anyone fancy a shag or is it just me?

I am off for a w@@nk!

I have found a spot on my left buttock...

I have caught my 'sausage' in a mangle....

I have just been for a crap and there was no loo roll - can someone please loan me some...?

Does anyone else have trouble with toilet seats or is it just me?

Complained about hotel noise for the first time ever - am I getting old?

I am worried about my toenails - how long should they be?

Invention of bear toilet causes loss of popular phrase.

wEARING A HAT!

Off to Aldi for some 'Vanilla Cushions' breakfast cereal!

I have socks! Yaaaay!

Does anyone have a tissue?

I am twittering my vasectomy... preparing for surgery right now... shaved.

If anyone ever told the truth all these posts would say 'sitting at my PC....'

Twitter keeps asking me what I am doing... its really annoying!

Twitter is crap aint it?

Mutley’s Garden of Eden

Mistress MJ was minding her own business one day, as is her custom, when out of the blue a comment appeared on one of my blog posts saying …

“I no understandit?”

The comment was written (or so I thought) by a Chinese lady named “Mu Tai Dong” from The Garden of Eden.

Mu describes herself and her blog as follows:

My page is possesses about Mu Tai! I like the apiculture, works in mine restaurant and the life in Bridport. I am Chinese and I arrange Chinese to take away. I current will write me often to renew here my life memoir. I have many friends. My affection color is a green. I have a pet yak.

Or as Mr. Mutley describes her …

Mu Tai is that rare thing - a genuine decent person, masseuse, chef, bee-keeper, hat wearer, restauranteur, Elvis impersonator and Catonese to boot!

Mu Tai Dong Made It!


Did anyone actually try to purchase Mu’s Penis Stick (peloop™)? “Good for erectile dysfunctions!” Oh that’s right! Beast did! Apparently, “Mr BEAST order ten and sented!”

I wonder how many of us were fooled into thinking Mu Tai Dong was an actual Chinese lady running a takeaway restaurant in Devon?


This my comrade is a plate which how I can be willing to learn to do. I will yearn for to it!


Thank you, Mr. Mutley, for creating the funny Mu Tai Dong and The Garden of Eden. As well as deeply missing you, we’ll miss Mu’s posts and comments.



Heres the Menues!
I hopes you fall out of the sky by! Ask for MU TAI DONG by names and show nipples loike those in pictures!

Remembering Mr. Mutley

Earlier today we received this sad news from Mr. Mutley’s life partner, Kate…

To all readers of Mutleythe dogsdayout
I am so terribly sorry to break this news:
Rob, the author here on blogger of mutley the dog, and my beloved partner in life died peacefully in his sleep in the early hours last Friday, the 21st of May.
I would have preferred to email readers privately. That would have been best, I know. So sorry. Simply it is this - I am heart-broken.
At some near time I will post properly, as Rob would wish - a celebration!
Regards
Kate

Mutley became an Infomaniac bitch way back in 2006 and we have looked forward to his posts and his comments ever since.

Today, I’ll re-post an interview Infomaniac did with Mr. Mutley on March 12, 2008.

His beloved Jack Russell terrier and namesake, Mutley the Dog, passed away after this post in July, 2009.

Mr. Mutley, you may be gone but you are not forgotten.

We’ll miss you.

EXCLUSIVE NEVER BEFORE SEEN PHOTO OF MR. MUTLEY!


(click to experience the thrill of super-sizing)



Never before has the man behind Mutley the Dog been seen on the Internet. (Apart from an online dating site.)

Remember. You saw it here first, folks.

Welcome to a new series on Infomaniac.

From time to time, Infomaniac will conduct an up-close-and-personal interview with an Infomaniac reader.

Today we feature MUTLEY THE DOG!

All the way from Bridport, England.

And so we begin…




For this interview I’d like 12 bottles of Evian natural spring water in my wardrobe room (leave the toilet seat up in case I deplete my supply) and a bowl of dry Eukanuba (take the odd-sized bits out) ready upon arrival. And beetroot juice for him.




INFOMANIAC: Everyone wants to know about the star of the show; your dog.

MUTLEY: Hes a smelly vicious and elderly jack russell terrier. He used to be a very active dog now he mostly likes sleeping.









INFOMANIAC: What makes Bridport THE place to be in England?

MUTLEY: It has a unique smell from the euro-abattoir and the beetroot pickling plant. It used to be a centre for ropemaking - but since the closure of the rope makery everyone is unemployed. People will do ANYTHING for money - like Cuba but not so sunny. The radiation spills have created a unique wildlife locally.. you can have a moustache without everyone thinking you are gay. The mullet is still in fashion... local girls do it for cigarettes.. Eggs are easy to come by .. its easy to bribe the Police...







INFOMANIAC: How are you doing in your goal to become an Internet millionaire?

MUTLEY: Very well I think !! I have made US$ 22 in the last year from ads!!



INFOMANIAC: How's your love life?

MUTLEY: Its looking up - looking up girls skirts that is!!




The Lovely Bonita: Has Mutley finally fallen for her charms? Or will he keep it professional as just her oboe tutor?



INFOMANIAC: What is the most bizarre request you've had sexually?

MUTLEY: I have never had a sexual request - do women make requests other than 'stop that' and 'please go away'?


INFOMANIAC: Our female readers and a few of the men want to know… what makes you the perfect catch?

MUTLEY: I am covered in scales and poach easily. No!! Thats my little joke! I have an enormous dong and I am rich - er... I am not the perfect catch - but any fat ugly women reading who are a bit desperate might think otherwise...







INFOMANIAC: Describe your personal fashion style. Including your undergarments.

MUTLEY: I wear clothes from ALDI - which are famously stylish - I have 2 pairs of undies - lime green - one to wear - one to 'wash'... I have a leather jacket and some sandals as well as work shoes and boots. Sometimes I dress as a woman.






INFOMANIAC: Take a look around your home. What do you see?

MUTLEY: There is a terrifying howling gale outside the window and a hole in the wall of the bedroom. I have a kitchen/living room with a fridge and a Baby Belling as well as a sink. There is a toilet - mushrooms grow there.. It is a fourth floor 'flat' with exciting views of rooftops!! Huge waves are rushing at the house and I may lose power any moment. Also its freezing cold.


INFOMANIAC: What are your hobbies?

MUTLEY: Allotment, fishing, collecting bus tickets, parking my car. Sleeping.


INFOMANIAC: According to your road tests, what would you say is the best alcoholic beverage to get you sozzled the fastest?

MUTLEY: Vodkat!!


INFOMANIAC: Where do you want to be in 10 years?

MUTLEY: Still in bed I hope - snoozing.







INFOMANIAC: Given this opportunity, is there anything you'd like to say to Infomaniac's readers?

MUTLEY: Oh.... er.....hello?




Goodbye for now, Mr. Mutley.

We’ll miss you.

Cocktails, Anyone?

While you’re waiting for Monday’s “Win A New Boyfriend” Voting Day, could we interest you in a cocktail?



UPDATE: Voting Day for the contest has been temporarily postponed.

We All Scream For Poutine

Today is the World Poutine Eating Championship in Toronto, Canada.

Whoever wolfs down the most poutine in 10 minutes wins $750.

Ahhh, poutine: the Canadian holy trinity of fries, gravy and cheese curds.

And now over to you, bitches.

If you entered an eating championship, what would be your food of choice to gorge on?

Filthy Friday – Birthday Edition

[via]

It’s been a busy week for birthdays here on Infomaniac.

August must be abuzz with procreation to have produced so many May babies.

Monday, May 17th: Miss Roses
Wednesday, May 19th: Mitzi
Thursday, May 20th: Beast AND kabuki zero
Saturday, May 22nd: Old Knudsen

Did I miss anyone?

Remember to tell us your birthdate (year optional) if you want to be in Infomaniac’s birthday book.

Now everyone help yourselves to CAKE!

Happy Birthday, kabuki zero!

A despondent Mistress MJ regrets having missed the better part of Miss kabuki zero’s birthday today.



Thanks to Felix In Hollywood for tipping us off about kabuki’s special day.

Next year there will be FIREWORKS!

Apparently we also missed out on Mitzi’s birthday yesterday but we'll make up for it this time next year with a big CAKE.

If there are more of you bitches who are not listed in Infomaniac’s birthday book, please be sure to leave your birthdate (year optional) with us today.

And, of course, if you haven’t already sent your chocolate Easter egg or birthday greeting to Beast yet, please see the post below.

Mistress MJ loves you all!

Happy Birthday, Beast!

In celebration of long-time Infomaniac bitch Beast’s birthday, let’s find out a little more about him, shall we?


Beast spots some camel toe whilst out shopping for crumpets

OCCUPATION:

Disgruntled kitchen slave at the Café C in Dorchester, England; run by the tyrannical Mr. C.

RESIDENCE:

A convalescent home in Bournemouth.

HOBBIES:

Waiting for his letters to be published on Dear Deidre’s problem page.

LIKES:

Attention-seeking.

Doing the washing-up with his “Love Mitten”

Vacuuming naked with his Dyson crevice attachment …



Finding new ways to annoy Mistress MJ. (e.g. sending urine samples to Mistress MJ through the mail).

Finding new ways to annoy Miss Scarlet (e.g. smearing his bottom with butter and leaving greasy bottom prints on her living room window).

Whinging on and on about his exhausting kitchen bitch shifts at Café C.

A good Norwegian Fish Whipping...



Crumpets.

Bumbling about in the garden, i.e. mistaking things for weeds and digging them up.

Ma Beastie’s Chick Pea Curry (the eating of which usually leads to unfortunate gastric incidents).

Snuggling (and farting) under his stinky duvet.

Inserting fruit up his arse …



DISLIKES:

Personal hygiene.

HEALTH (BOTH PHYSICAL AND MENTAL):

Chroncially itchy bumhole.

Body held together with a toxic miasma of burning chip fat and nicotine.

Several failed attempts to give up fags.

According to Beast, “You feel like crap , there is this little nagging bit of your brain , constantly bickering away at you (singing Fags Fags , give me fags*)”

* for our american readership in this context fags = cigarettes.

Rubber Gloves phobia as explained by Beast …

Pa Beasty was a chemist and used to hide a rubber glove containing a bit of dry ice in my chest of drawers .when an unsuspecting young Beast opened a drawer the rubber glove used to leap out with the expanding c02 , inflate to an enormous size and then explode..particularly 'hilarious' if the glove was filled with talcum powder.....you can imagine it got old very quickly and left me with a lifelong fear of drawers AND rubber gloves
***twitch***



Also harbours phobia of mandolins (the kitchen product, not the musical instrument) and ice skating.

TRAVELS & OUTINGS:

Several doomed bicycle trips to France in an attempt to get into Walnut World.

Repeatedly finding Walnut World closed thereby failing to experience the magic of Walnut World…

The walnut themed roller coasters (Called Le Nut Cracker) and various other white knuckle nut related rides. A history of all things Walnut in a boring Epcot styleeee futuristic walnut shaped pavillion. Capering french people dressed as walnuts. Restaurants offering delicious walnut related delicacies. Walnut oil fountains. A walnut castle.

FRIENDS:

Mr. Frobisher aka Mavis Boyle (drag "artiste" and host of Crap Bingo with Mavis at Café C)
Lloyd and Alfie (Mr. C’s two dogs)
Er, nobody else, really.


Beast's only friend, Mr. Frobisher aka Mavis Boyle (drag artiste)

BEAST'S SAD LITTLE SECRET:

“Do you know something , in all my 40 odd years on this planet , no one has ever brought me a chocolate easter egg......EVER.”


BITCHES: If you think you could be friends with Beast OR if you’d like to buy him a chocolate Easter egg OR if you’d just like to leave him a cheery birthday greeting, please make your way to the comments section.

Win A New Boyfriend!

Tell us why you need a new boyfriend and you could win

A NEW BOYFRIEND!



Yes, it’s the Grow Your Own Boyfriend!

Mr. Right grows 600% his size in water! Free movie and dinner date, he never snores, never looks at your credit card bills, he's polite, always there when you need him, never argues and always agrees, he always shuts up, he doesn't chew with his mouth open and he doesn't look at you like you're nuts when you buy another pair of shoes. True love in 72 hours.

Instructions For Use: Place your grow item in room temperature water. It will begin to grow within 2 hours and will be full size in 72 hours. When removed from water it will slowly shrink back to its original size. Your grow item can be grown again and again!

Disclaimer: This toy is in no way intended to represent living people. Any resemblance is purely coincidental and not intended to harm anyone.

WARNING: Choking hazard!

So hop to it, bitches!

Simply tell us why you need a new boyfriend and we’ll vote next week on the best reasons.

This post will be up on Tuesday and Wednesday to give you time to come up with a winning entry.

Note: Straight males and lezzers may substitute the word “girlfriend” for “boyfriend” but you’ll still get the “Grow A Boyfriend” as a prize if you win.

Celebrations

We here at Infomaniac love any excuse for a party be it an anniversary, a birthday or a Bar Mitvah.

If you haven’t already done so, let us know the date of your birthday so that we may bake you a cake.

Today’s Celebrations:



England’s rose, Miss Roses, turns 40 today!

And she’s hosting a party!

Says Roses… “Be glam, bring drinkies, munchies and a floozy.”

Frankly, we’ll be surprised if Roses (who has been hitting the cider hard) manages to stay upright at her own party.

Meanwhile, Down Under, Mistress MJ’s slave Damien Oz is celebrating his 200,000th hit.


Damien aka Mr. Nude Infomaniac

Join Damien as he pays homage to Mistress MJ and five of his fave bloggers here.

We have another very special birthday coming up on Thursday, but we're keeping it quiet for now. No, it's not Mistress MJ.

And we would also like to point out that today is International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia.

HUG A HOMO TODAY!

Bed Hopping

Mistress MJ is in the market for a new mattress.

The salesman (below) is helpful yet Mistress MJ is befuddled by all the choices.


(insert your own caption here, if you must)

Mistress MJ will now ask her Infomaniac Bitches to assist her in the decision making process.

Everybody join Mistress MJ in mattress hopping, er, shopping!



Is everybody ready?

Get (s)hopping!





Well done, everyone!

Now report in the comments section on which type of mattress you prefer.

Mistress MJ (who only likes shopping for shoes, booze and lingerie) has consumer decisions to make and is counting on your opinion!

Coils? Intellicoils? (eh?) Latex? Foam? Memory foam? Ticking? Hand tufting?

What does it all MEAN?

What’s the best choice?

I need to make an informed decision!


Beast (following an unfortunate estrogen overdose) test drives an adjustable bed.

And finally…

What happens if I remove this tag? …