Monday, May 31, 2010

Win A New Boyfriend! – Voting Day

The prize…

Grow a Boyfriend! Mr. Right grows 600% his size in water! Place your grow item in room temperature water. It will begin to grow within 2 hours and will be full size in 72 hours. When removed from water it will slowly shrink back to its original size. Your grow item can be grown again and again!

Earlier this month, we asked you to tell us why you need a new boyfriend (or girlfriend, as the case may be).

Well now it’s time to vote for your favourite. The bitch with the most votes wins a new boyfriend.

Everyone is welcome to vote but you cannot vote for your own entry.

Simply select your fave plea for a new boyfriend/girlfriend from the following list. The name of each blogger is under their entry …

I want a Grow A Girlfriend, because I can enjoy her company whenever I want and put her away without worrying about her complaining or nagging about my friends or habits or my penchant for sci fi and video games, fishing and the firing range.

And I don't have to worry about her hogging all the covers at night or using all the hot water, taking forever to get ready and complaining about having nothing to wear, and I won't have to deal with monthly meltdowns and mood swings.

- Eroswings

The REAL question is--why does HE deserve ME!?

- Michael Rivers

Maybe a grow your own dildo that doesn’t talk back. I just want the size and shape of a boyfriend. This grow your own boyfriend sounds enticing but I’m still trying to remove the dent in my mattress from the last occupant. Now I know why you need a new mattress...bad boyfriends leave bad boyfriend energy burred in your mattress.

Do they make a grow your own cat?

Actually I don't want another boyfriend. I'm kind of in the market, the black market, for a gay slave with a ball gag so he can't talk back.

But I don't want to have to grow him or water him everyday.

- Ayem8y

I don't need a new boyfriend per se but is there a 'f*ck me like the bitch that I am' substitute?

- Michael Guy

I don't like my sister's boyfriend - if I had a substitute I could push the one I don't like over a cliff.

- Lulu LaBonne

Things have been a little slow in that department for some time now. Willing to consider reasonably convincing post-op.

- XL

As far as I'm concerned, the more the merrier.

- Miss Scarlet

And What... may one ask... does one do with a new home groan boyfriend?

If only we wer'nt on water restrictions... the pleasure he would bring.

No more snoring, grunting and dutch ovens. Food crumbs and toenail clippings to discover in those hidden nooks and crannies.

No complaints of "turn off that light i'm trying to sleep"... just when I get to the juicy bit of the penny dreadful I'm reading. Oh the un interupted reading I would enjoy. What Bliss. Utter Bliss...

- Princess

Because I've always wanted to date a choking hazard.

- Jason

What flavours does this boyfriend come in? Josh Brolin? Connor Trinneer? Simon Reeve? Tim?!
Hold the sprinkles, please.

- Inexplicable DeVice (IVD)

I need a new boyfriend because:

* I want to make the old one jealous so he'll come back to me.

* It'll give me the excuse to personally deliver it to Michael Rivers for his comment.

* It'll be good to watch something grow 600% and know I did it.

* Piggy's already got all the boyfriend he can handle. All any of us can handle. Including the love handles.

* I can take him out on a dinner date and say "Oh, don't you want yours?" - and scoff his food like I'm doing him a favour.

* I can leave him in my bed to make it look like I'm asleep - while I climb out the window to go partying all night.

* I can send Infomaniac some photos of it when it's fully, um, erect.

- Kapitano

because I'm sad, needy and desperate for love.

- CyberPete

sure, send me a new boyfriend and i'll shoot him in the fucking back just like the last one.
max, MAX....turn on the water!

- Normadesmond

kabuki -star of both stage AND screen - has had to carry the garbage out since 1986. That is the only reason to have a boyfriend, and that is all I would have him do. Unless I spilled something. "Boyfriend - absorb that spilled mai tai." (Instead of absorbing everything in my refridgerator) PLUS - even megastars get lonely. Or so i have been told.

- kabuki zero

That’s it, bitches!

You have all day Monday and Tuesday to vote.

The winner will be announced on Wednesday!


  1. I vote for Miss Scarlet.

  2. I vote for Pete, he needs it!

  3. petey pet gets my vote, sugar! xoxoxo

  4. It'd be tacky of me to vote for myself, so I've always heard..... so I'll vote for Miss Desmond.

    I just want to see her commit new-boyfriend-icide.

  5. Well, I'll vote for you, Jason.

    I know I guffawed at Michael River's comment originally, but the passing of time has seen me sway towards the choking hazard.

  6. I'm quite taken with Lulu's answer... but... I think little Pete needs it.

  7. ...I would have said Mr Swings... or Mr XL... but then I'd get jealous of an inflatable doll...

  8. JASON.

    contrary to what you might be thinking, this isn't 69, yet.

  9. I'll vote for the ever lovely (and wawawoon) Mr. Michael Guy

  10. I did consider not voting because that would increase my chances of winning myself a much needed boyfriend.

    Yet, sadly that's not the way I am.. But Mr. Guy is lovely.

  11. All the entries were fantastic. But my vote goes to Jason for making me chuckle.

  12. Humpf, no one's voting for me.

    Which means tactically speaking, I should vote for the hottest guys, so they can get the inflatable boyfriend which means there'll be other hot guys around who'll therefore not be paired up with the ones I voted for and therefore might settle for me.

    Trouble is they're all pretty hot. Even the straight ones.

    So my vote goes to Michael Guy, because if there's one more self-described fuckbitch who's tied to a boyfriend, there'll be correspondingly more men out there who he won't get to do. So I can do them.

    Does that make sense? Is that cunning?

  13. Geeze KAPITANO I think there's a compliment in there somewhere. :)

    I'm casting my vote to Jason. It was his brevity that nailed me.

    AND just for the record bitches the last time I got lucky was the Reagan era. I just don't, as my friends say, "put myself out there." Which is true once one's heart has been trounced into the deepest darkest dirt pit of despair by someone who was supposed to love you.

    Sorry for the Jennifer Hudson/DREAMGIRLS moment...I am changing, though. :)

  14. I vote for MR - I like how he thinks............ make the grow-bitch work it !!

  15. BITCHES: Mistress MJ is staying WELL out of this little Peyton Place!

    Remember…you’ve got all day Tuesday to vote if you haven’t already done so.

    The most deserving (or desperate) winner will be announced sometime on Wednesday.

    *flees tawdry scene*

  16. I vote for Cyberpete. Not for what he said, but because he does good cocktails.

  17. I vote for Michael Guy for using the word "Per se".

  18. I'm voting for Lulu because she is thinking of others and she has a well thought out plan..
    this sort of altruism and foresight is rare on the electronic interwebs and should be rewarded.

  19. So many good ones! My vote is for Jason. I'm surprised with all of his blind dates that not one was a choking hazard. Maybe there was at least one who was in danger of being choked.

  20. Heff's vote is for Kapitano.

  21. I'm sure you are all worthy candidates, but sadly I can't entertain the idea of a new girlfriend at the moment. I haven't finished paying for the one I've got.

  22. I still love Michael Rivers' comment, so he gets my vote.

  23. I vote for Pete . We cannot have this sad and lonley business

  24. As your official lurker, I'll come out of the closet today to vote for Pete.

    He needs one, the kind that never argues and always agrees.

  25. BITCHES: Leni has just broken the tie.

    But the contest isn’t over yet.

    The night is still young…in fact, it’s still afternoon here!

  26. And should I win a new boyfriend I just want everybody to know that we'll spend our time as U.S. Americans, such as, our education should help South Africa, such as, should help Iraq and the Asian countries so we can build our future...

  27. apparently everyone here is just fine with kabuki taking out the trash! Kabuki has been maligned! kabuki votes for self in brazen display of self-solidarity.

  28. YOu did not say we couldn't vote for 2 so I am voting for
    Normadesmond and kapatino.
    All were very good but these 2 made me laugh out loud[no easy feat].

    I have got to buy a boyfriend. They don't talk do they? More excitinng about growing him is the idea of shrinking the bastard when he gets on my nerves. I shall call my new boyfriend Gumby.

  29. BITCHES, this contest is CLOSED!

    Come back later for the exciting conclusion when we announce the winner.