Happy Birthday, Beast!

In celebration of long-time Infomaniac bitch Beast’s birthday, let’s find out a little more about him, shall we?


Beast spots some camel toe whilst out shopping for crumpets

OCCUPATION:

Disgruntled kitchen slave at the Café C in Dorchester, England; run by the tyrannical Mr. C.

RESIDENCE:

A convalescent home in Bournemouth.

HOBBIES:

Waiting for his letters to be published on Dear Deidre’s problem page.

LIKES:

Attention-seeking.

Doing the washing-up with his “Love Mitten”

Vacuuming naked with his Dyson crevice attachment …



Finding new ways to annoy Mistress MJ. (e.g. sending urine samples to Mistress MJ through the mail).

Finding new ways to annoy Miss Scarlet (e.g. smearing his bottom with butter and leaving greasy bottom prints on her living room window).

Whinging on and on about his exhausting kitchen bitch shifts at Café C.

A good Norwegian Fish Whipping...



Crumpets.

Bumbling about in the garden, i.e. mistaking things for weeds and digging them up.

Ma Beastie’s Chick Pea Curry (the eating of which usually leads to unfortunate gastric incidents).

Snuggling (and farting) under his stinky duvet.

Inserting fruit up his arse …



DISLIKES:

Personal hygiene.

HEALTH (BOTH PHYSICAL AND MENTAL):

Chroncially itchy bumhole.

Body held together with a toxic miasma of burning chip fat and nicotine.

Several failed attempts to give up fags.

According to Beast, “You feel like crap , there is this little nagging bit of your brain , constantly bickering away at you (singing Fags Fags , give me fags*)”

* for our american readership in this context fags = cigarettes.

Rubber Gloves phobia as explained by Beast …

Pa Beasty was a chemist and used to hide a rubber glove containing a bit of dry ice in my chest of drawers .when an unsuspecting young Beast opened a drawer the rubber glove used to leap out with the expanding c02 , inflate to an enormous size and then explode..particularly 'hilarious' if the glove was filled with talcum powder.....you can imagine it got old very quickly and left me with a lifelong fear of drawers AND rubber gloves
***twitch***



Also harbours phobia of mandolins (the kitchen product, not the musical instrument) and ice skating.

TRAVELS & OUTINGS:

Several doomed bicycle trips to France in an attempt to get into Walnut World.

Repeatedly finding Walnut World closed thereby failing to experience the magic of Walnut World…

The walnut themed roller coasters (Called Le Nut Cracker) and various other white knuckle nut related rides. A history of all things Walnut in a boring Epcot styleeee futuristic walnut shaped pavillion. Capering french people dressed as walnuts. Restaurants offering delicious walnut related delicacies. Walnut oil fountains. A walnut castle.

FRIENDS:

Mr. Frobisher aka Mavis Boyle (drag "artiste" and host of Crap Bingo with Mavis at Café C)
Lloyd and Alfie (Mr. C’s two dogs)
Er, nobody else, really.


Beast's only friend, Mr. Frobisher aka Mavis Boyle (drag artiste)

BEAST'S SAD LITTLE SECRET:

“Do you know something , in all my 40 odd years on this planet , no one has ever brought me a chocolate easter egg......EVER.”


BITCHES: If you think you could be friends with Beast OR if you’d like to buy him a chocolate Easter egg OR if you’d just like to leave him a cheery birthday greeting, please make your way to the comments section.