Thursday, May 20, 2010

Happy Birthday, Beast!

In celebration of long-time Infomaniac bitch Beast’s birthday, let’s find out a little more about him, shall we?


Beast spots some camel toe whilst out shopping for crumpets

OCCUPATION:

Disgruntled kitchen slave at the Café C in Dorchester, England; run by the tyrannical Mr. C.

RESIDENCE:

A convalescent home in Bournemouth.

HOBBIES:

Waiting for his letters to be published on Dear Deidre’s problem page.

LIKES:

Attention-seeking.

Doing the washing-up with his “Love Mitten

Vacuuming naked with his Dyson crevice attachment …



Finding new ways to annoy Mistress MJ. (e.g. sending urine samples to Mistress MJ through the mail).

Finding new ways to annoy Miss Scarlet (e.g. smearing his bottom with butter and leaving greasy bottom prints on her living room window).

Whinging on and on about his exhausting kitchen bitch shifts at Café C.

A good Norwegian Fish Whipping...



Crumpets.

Bumbling about in the garden, i.e. mistaking things for weeds and digging them up.

Ma Beastie’s Chick Pea Curry (the eating of which usually leads to unfortunate gastric incidents).

Snuggling (and farting) under his stinky duvet.

Inserting fruit up his arse …



DISLIKES:

Personal hygiene.

HEALTH (BOTH PHYSICAL AND MENTAL):

Chroncially itchy bumhole.

Body held together with a toxic miasma of burning chip fat and nicotine.

Several failed attempts to give up fags.

According to Beast, “You feel like crap , there is this little nagging bit of your brain , constantly bickering away at you (singing Fags Fags , give me fags*)”

* for our american readership in this context fags = cigarettes.

Rubber Gloves phobia as explained by Beast …

Pa Beasty was a chemist and used to hide a rubber glove containing a bit of dry ice in my chest of drawers .when an unsuspecting young Beast opened a drawer the rubber glove used to leap out with the expanding c02 , inflate to an enormous size and then explode..particularly 'hilarious' if the glove was filled with talcum powder.....you can imagine it got old very quickly and left me with a lifelong fear of drawers AND rubber gloves
***twitch***




Also harbours phobia of mandolins (the kitchen product, not the musical instrument) and ice skating.

TRAVELS & OUTINGS:

Several doomed bicycle trips to France in an attempt to get into Walnut World.

Repeatedly finding Walnut World closed thereby failing to experience the magic of Walnut World…

The walnut themed roller coasters (Called Le Nut Cracker) and various other white knuckle nut related rides. A history of all things Walnut in a boring Epcot styleeee futuristic walnut shaped pavillion. Capering french people dressed as walnuts. Restaurants offering delicious walnut related delicacies. Walnut oil fountains. A walnut castle.

FRIENDS:

Mr. Frobisher aka Mavis Boyle (drag "artiste" and host of Crap Bingo with Mavis at Café C)
Lloyd and Alfie (Mr. C’s two dogs)
Er, nobody else, really.


Beast's only friend, Mr. Frobisher aka Mavis Boyle (drag artiste)

BEAST'S SAD LITTLE SECRET:

“Do you know something , in all my 40 odd years on this planet , no one has ever brought me a chocolate easter egg......EVER.”


BITCHES: If you think you could be friends with Beast OR if you’d like to buy him a chocolate Easter egg OR if you’d just like to leave him a cheery birthday greeting, please make your way to the comments section.

27 comments:

  1. Yay! First!

    Happy fucking birthday and all that shite.

    Happy Birthday to YOU,
    Squashed tomatoes and stew,
    Bread and butter in the gutter,
    Eat loads of cake and then spew.

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. I want to see pics of his tits sagging.

    And his arse collapsing.

    Actually... No I don't.

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  3. happy birthday, beastie sugar! xoxoxo

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  4. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAST!
    My best wishes.

    (Strangely enough it says "4 comments" under the post, but none is shown here - a conspiracy?)

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  5. Happy Birthday Mr Beaste!

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  6. Happy Happy Day to Beast! It looks like you've combined Filthy Friday with Happy Birthday?

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  7. The Boulevard Of Broken Dreams: everyone who thinks they were "First!" tonight!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Happy birthday Beastie!

    Have a great day.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Happy Birthday, Beast!!!

    **...***...**
    ___iii___
    [*o*o*o*]
    [+~+~+~]

    Best wishes for many more years of good friends, good food, and good times!

    Cheers!!!

    ..*o*
    ..o.*o
    ..*[]
    ../.*.\
    ..[__]....(--*)....(--*)
    ..[__]...._I_....._I_

    ReplyDelete
  10. *laffs at Savannah being unable to count*

    *laffs at Beasts extra time in bed now that he's a pensioner*

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  11. What a thoughtful and very telling tribute(?) to Beast. You must actually LIKE him to go to all this trouble, MJ?

    Happy Birthday BEAST!

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  12. Awww thanks to everyone for the heartfelt birthday wishes and thank you to Miss MJ for destroying my reputation even further.I will be spending the day with a bag of donuts and a balloon(Which I bought myself). I may treat myself to a new tub of butter and besmirch Miss Scarlets pristine lounge window later , stopping off to mail my latest urine sample to Miss MJ on the way

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  13. The Walnut World escapade feels like a hideous re-occuring nightmare...
    Anyhow, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR BEASTIE!!!
    It's a good job my windows are large...
    Sx

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  14. Happy Birthday Beast!

    Hope you're having a great day...hoovering, inserting bananas, smearing Ms Scarlet's windows.

    *lights up a rollie and passes it to Beast*

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  15. Mazel Tov ya furry little blighter :)

    Many happy returns :)

    Damien

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  16. I tried to make notes about Beast's life. But reading them back they say he shoves dogs up his vacuum cleaner, which doesn't sound right somehow.

    Wishing Beast a Harpy Birfday. Or a Hippy Barfday. Or a Hoppy Bidet. And I hope we never meet in person because, um, that would spoil the fantasy.

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  17. Happy Birthday, Beast! Let's go nick something from Harrods...

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  18. Congratulations Mr Beast and many happy returns...Oh i hope not given that you're a chef...I mean may your diners eat evey thing you serve up... and like it...

    Happy Birthday...

    ReplyDelete
  19. blasted blogger! i should have known i wasn't first!

    BUT, the sentiment remains: Happy Birthday, Beastie!

    xoxoxoxo

    @tazzy & piggy...bless your heart!

    @xl...bless your heart!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I've been a dish pig in my youth, working at the Busy Bee's Fish & Chip Restaurant. For a £1 an hour I'd scrub plates, teapots and cutlery, my own tears falling into the soap suds. No wonder the owners of Busy Bees could afford to drive around in a C reg Fiat Panda.

    Happy Birthday Beast, If you wish, I could always pop into Cafe C and lay a clutch of Cadbury's creme eggs, especially for you.

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  21. BITCHES: What on earth has been going on in here?

    Both Savannah AND Boxer think they’re first when clearly it’s Piggy and Tazzy.

    Has the world gone topsy turvy?

    How marvelous to see so many cheerful faces here today wishing Beastie a happy birthday.

    BEAST: I, for one, will be sending you a chocolate Easter egg, come Spring.

    And it sounds like Mitzi may be ‘round to the caff with Cadbury's creme eggs. You must hide them from Mr. Frobisher and Mr. C if you want any for yourself.

    I see your face is covered in icing sugar.

    Enjoying your birthday donut?

    ReplyDelete
  22. No Easter Eggs? Give kabuki 20 minutes and a double boiler and kabuki will BE your easter egg. But only because its your birthday, and you have to like your chocolate with nuts.

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  24. Happy Banana...I mean Birthday !

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