Tuesday, September 17, 2013

In Bed (And Breakfast) With Mitzi

It's time to remove your blindfolds as we reveal our surprise MYSTERY GUEST!

Our special GUEST BLOGGER (Infomaniac's first guest blogger ever!) is our MITZI from England. Mitzi has written a shocking, tell-all account of her trip to The Royal Albion Hotel, situated on the South coast of England in Brighton.

Take it away, Mitzi!

The Royal Albion Hotel Brighton

The Royal Albion Hotel is a Regency style hotel.

It looks magnificent and if you squint, really squint, you could almost mistake it for Buckingham Palace...

The Royal Albion Hotel Brighton: THE REALITY

After a staggering eight an half hour journey, we finally arrived at the Royal Albion hotel.

Reception area all fur coat and no knickers.

We were greeted by a cat in the hallway doing something unmentionable with it’s tongue, to it’s nether regions. When our coach party had gathered together at the reception area, we were given a brief talking to by the receptionist, about meal times etc. She looked like a walking tomb and as old as Methuselah. She had two front teeth missing which made it difficult for any of us to understand a word she was saying.

This way

As she handed out our key, I asked her what time breakfast was. I wished I hadn’t because she had halitosis that could have stripped paint.

Room with a view

Later, as I was inspecting the room, I thought back about the cat I saw earlier on and realised that the poor beast was only making an effort to clean itself, which is something the staff at the Royal Albion failed to do to our room.

Would you park your arse on that?

I sat down gingerly on the bed and looked around at the dismal surroundings. The walls were stark and bare.

The carpet was old, threadbare, covered in stains and hadn’t seen a Hoover since ABBA won the Eurovision Song Contest with Waterloo.

Meg Mortimer sees a stain on the carpet.

There was not a piece of gold or velvet to be seen. I shuddered at the lack of opulence around me. Carmen (my maid) sat on her bed and began to laugh. Then I began to laugh. We laughed until our sides ached. The hilarity helped to hide the fact that we were staying in a complete and utter shithole.

The tea making facilities were barely adequate. Two coffee sachets, two tea-bags, four sachets of sugar and four mini UHT milk cartons. No biscuits!

Breakfast was a grim affair. We had to share a table with a couple of strangers! Can you imagine that? An old couple from Leeds. Their table manners left a lot to be desired. They both licked their knives and, horror of horrors, the man leant over on one buttock to let a noise escape saying, ‘better out, then in.’ I left after that, gave them both a withering look and never returned to the dining room for the duration of the holiday; choosing instead, to eat out.

I put all my complaints into the customer feedback book, and added that the black mold spores growing on the window were a nice touch, but the skid mark on the towel was revolting!

The only good thing about the Royal Albion hotel was leaving it.

Note from Mistress MJ: Thank you, GUEST BLOGGER Mitzi, for this informative hotel review. 

We hope one day to read another installment of "In Bed (And Breakfast) With Mitzi."... a must-read for the discerning traveller.

Photos of the hotel via TripAdvisor.


  1. First!

    I've read Mitzi's travelogues for years and trust them completely, but how many stars does the Royal Albion receive from the Mitzi Flange Travel Agency?

    1. The hotel is in a prime location and the staff were friendly and for that alone I give it a one star.

    2. I'm curious if they at least had a teasmade?

    3. They did have spikes glued onto the window ledges to prevent pigeons from perching there, but sadly no teasmade.

  2. ... next time you go to Saxony come here for a glass of wine!

  3. Mitzi's delightful "all fur coat and no knickers" in English translates to "all hat and no cattle" in Texan ... approximately.

  4. Ha Ha! I had a similar experience this year at a British hotel, but I complained and was upgraded to a lovely room. The British are brilliant at external grandeur that masks the rot within.
    All pomp and no circumstance.

    1. Our stay at the Royal Albion was over 15 years ago, we were p..p..poor in those days and didn't have the money for an upgrade, they certainly didn't give them away free to out of season coach package deals members, we weren't allowed to eat with the independent travellers in case they caught something from us. Oh, the shame.

  5. I prefer to stay at a dump that doesn't pretend to be anything else but. You can still find them here along US #1, I always choose one with a busy bar close by and I always bring my own linens.

  6. Goodness!

    I'd advise you to look into Fawlty Towers next time...a friendlier, much more efficiently run place.

  7. Better better out than in, has just joined my lexicon.

  8. You know this dump will now trumpet Mitzi's stay on all their future advertising.

  9. You know it's a classy place when they provide you with already skidmarked towels...

  10. Replies
    1. Sadly not Kabuki, but I did meet Barbara Striesand!

    2. How about Clarissa Dickson Wright?

    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    4. Eat that meat Jennifer... No, I haven't met her. I miss watching the Two Fat Ladies, I'd like to read her autobiography "Flicking The Bean" but it priced at £6.15 on Kindle, the most I ever pay for a book on there is £2.99 so I'll wait until they have a sale on.

  11. Better out than in?

    Let’s have it on a t-shirt.

  12. Ah, the joys of a stay at the Brighton seaside. Last time we stayed at Premier Inn there were unflushed solids in the loo of our room when we arrived! Maybe you should have stayed at Maisie Trollette's guest house, a place famously described by Paul O'Grady/Lily Savage as "so damp, there was an Osprey on top of the wardrobe"! Jx