Thursday, November 29, 2012

Vote NOW for the Kitchen Queen!

It's time to vote for the Kitchen Queen, Bitches!


[via]

EVERYONE is welcome to cast a vote regardless of whether or not you've submitted a recipe.

Clicking on a recipe's title will take you to the full recipe post for any particular Bitch.

Take your time to consider the merits of each recipe before casting your vote.

Voting is open all day Thursday and Friday. A winner will be announced sometime on the weekend.

Let's review the recipes, shall we?

1. UTE's German-Style Casserole...


2. LX's Traditional Cranberries...


3. HUGGY JON's Fantaisie sur Glace...


4. KEVIN's Poulet au Paprika...


5. MITZI's Grandma Ermintrude’s Jammy Rings...


6. NORMA's Salted Caramel “Ding Dong” Cake...


7. FIRST NATIONS' Raviolis with Sauce...


8. MR. PEENEE's Potatoes Dauphinoise...


9. TOPHER's Blue Ribbon Apple Pie...


10. COOKIE's Momma Koblentz's Sweet and Sour Brisket...


11. WALLY's Peanut Butter Pie...


Good luck to all our fabulous contestants!

117 comments:

  1. All of it. I want to open an Infomaniac restaurant.
    BUT... as it's breakfast time here, I vote for Mitzi's rings. They deserve a good dunking and I have a nice hot cup of tea by my side.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MISS SCARLET: All items will become standard fare on the menu at the Infomaniac Diner.

      Delete
    2. Thank you for voting for jammy rings Scarlet. I'm sending Granny Ermintrude over to you in spirit, so if you come across a sudden unexplained smell of pear drops, dried piss or perished rubber don't despair it's only Minn.

      Delete
    3. Let’s have a look at Mitzi's gran once again, shall we?

      Delete
    4. Dammit MJ that's a thought. You ought to put in a luncheon - tearoom at Schloss Infomaniac. I know guys who could put it in for you.

      ....dear God someone make me stop.

      Delete
    5. Slapping Bitches is MY job, Margaret.

      You are the health inspector.

      Delete
  2. I vote for Norma's Ding Dong Cake. I plan to give it a whirl (sans salt) and wrap it in aluminum foil in honor of the dearly departed Hostess Ding-Dongs®.

    PS: Did I win yet?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. VON LX: Hostess Ding Dongs and Twinkies are selling like hotcakes on eBay.

      Or you could make your own Ding Dongs.

      Delete
    2. Speaking of Ding Dongs, I must answer the door, mine has arrived.

      Delete
    3. MISTRESS MADDIE: Is it true that you’ve had a revolving door installed?

      Delete
    4. Sweetie.
      She was born with it....

      Delete
    5. ......revolving parts! Somedays it's like the Game show Lets maake a Deal.

      Delete
  3. Omg, so darn hard to choose just one!

    Erm.... I vote for Kevin's Poulet au Paprika.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. UTE: It will make a nice change from your usual Vegemite on toast.

      Delete
  4. 8. MR. PEENEE's Potatoes Dauphinoise...

    Im even going to cook it on the weekend :)

    Blessings Mistress

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. DAMIEN: Remember what Mr. Peenee said about cooking his recipe…

      Try not to wander off and start looking at porn while waiting for this.

      Delete
  5. What democratic voting system will you use? I'm looking for the voting buttons, or at least an "amusing-sounding" buzzer... Jx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Alas, the only sound effects Mj has are the ones left over from the Benny Hill Show darling.

      Delete
  6. Let’s keep it simple, Jon.

    May I suggest the That Was Easy button?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Won't it hurt when they pry it off your brisket?

      *scramolas*
      *which is a word*

      Delete
    2. NATIONS: In which language is "scramolas" a word?

      Punching it into Google leads me to a Japanese site.

      Delete
    3. Chandler used in a novel 1936 (Guns at Cyrano's), but I can not make nothing out of it.

      Delete
  7. I have to vote for LX's Traditional Cranberry dish. It's so good it WILL become a staple of ever Thanksgiving to come.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. COOKIE: Will you be serving it with brisket?

      Delete
  8. I simply cannot choose!

    Therefore, my vote is "up for grabs" (literally). Therefore, one of you will get to vote twice, using your vote, and mine. Thusly, you can vote twice for yourself, or break a tie!

    To win my vote, please choose the correct answer to this question:

    Query: What ingredient is missing in this recipe? Fill in the blank:

    "Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
    Wool of bat, and tongue of ___,
    Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,
    Lizard's leg, and howlet's wing,--
    For a charm of powerful trouble,
    Like a hell-broth boil and bubble."

    Answers:

    1. diseases
    2. MJ
    3. dog

    Choose wisely, as this could change your life, and crown you, "Kitchen Queen!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. PEENEE: Margaret won’t make it past the moat.

      Delete
    2. Last time I saw her she was dusting in the plaid room...

      Either that or I'm drunk.

      Delete
    3. Maggs,
      I'll take that vote,
      Only because I'm incredibly sexy & I know how to vote.

      The answer is: "Any of the Above"....

      Delete
    4. Wally, I'm putting my finger over your lips now, and whispering, "Sssh..." You are perfectly darling, my little Kitchen Queen, and I miss our slow dances in THHoF after the crowd leaves and the hush washes over us..

      What was the question: oh yeah, take that extra vote and the answer is, "Dog" or "Pony" since that's one of MJ's food groups since she was run off the farm.

      PS Come help me out of the moat, my skin is shriveled.

      Delete
  9. I was almost about to vote for Kevin's gorgeous Poulet au Paprika (which is also very good on Fries and cheese curds btw - molto sativo!!) but after bathing in a humongus peanut butter pie the entire night, I remembered the wise advice from our Chef saying that the secret for a suck-cessful recipe is to keep it simple bitches!, and since the Chef is always right, I am then casting my vote for...


    TTRRRRRRR <--- sound of drum roll




    LX


    KKSSHHHH <----- sound of cymbal


    YAY!


    CLAPCLAPCLAP <---- sound of clapping hands


    Throughout the entire contest, our M. Laxative always conducted himself like a gentlemen: no wig pulling, no breast groping, no balls kicking. So he should get the well-deserved crown.

    Okay, MJ, please ship Lx right away to Samus... er, to Sumas so we can finally move on to other things here. We've been stuck with this contest way too long and I'm more than stuffed!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HUGGY JON: I can’t believe that “Mr. Laxative” (hahaha!!!) is in the lead!

      Delete
    2. I got the "laxative" from the Chef. He should get the credit for this!

      Delete
    3. Kudos to Wally…I think we should all call LX “Mr. Laxative” from now on.

      Are you with me or are you with me?

      Delete
    4. The lat time I got the Clap was from a Chef....

      Delete
    5. I meant Last... OK so it's late... I've taken drugs and there is a fantastic thunderstorm going on around me....
      *Wanders off to join Margaret and her coven by the cauldron*

      Delete
    6. Don't forget to cast your vote when the drugs wear off, Prinny!

      Delete
    7. Princess, will you place your gloved hands over mine will I churn?

      Mmmmmm..yes, that's right! Let's chant together, "Laxative oh Laxative! Come quickly Oh, Kitchen Queen, come smoothly! Not runny or funny, do make us some yummy!"

      Delete
  10. vote? no doubt you'll want
    current photo id.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. you would use the premenstrual and puffy snapshot.

      Delete
    2. NORMA: Can I help it if you’d forgotten your Midol?

      Delete
    3. Isn't Midol a spice from Venus? Any extra-terrestrials or reptilians here?

      Delete
    4. MARGARET: Ms. Nations sometimes appears here in the form of Cthulhu.

      Delete
    5. I sometimes appear in the form of a health inspector and can, and will, shut this mother down!

      Delete
    6. We'll be discussing your role as health inspector in a future post, Margaret.

      But for now, we have a contest to run.

      Delete
  11. "Ah, g'wan. You will, you will, you will" [quoth Mrs Doyle]. I vote for Peenee's potatoes!

    I really like the slightly scorched, black crusty bits the best. And the porn. I'm a freak.
    Jx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. PS and, like Aunty June, I wash my hands afterwards! Jx

      Delete
    2. JON: Well, porn and crusty bits are a classic pairing.

      Delete
  12. Everything looks tasty. Or insane. But being of hearty German stock, my vote goes for Ute's dish.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THOM: You’re of German stock?

      Well all I can say is that you’re the best of the wurst.

      Delete
  13. I like ding dongs, so I'm voting for Norma's ding dong

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. CYBERPOOF: Are Ding Dongs considered Danish pastries in Denmark?

      Delete
  14. Wally's Peanut Butter Pie for me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. David!
      Darling...
      What on Earth are YOU doing here???

      xoxox!

      Delete
    2. Is that what's on her face?
      I thought it was ....

      Delete
    3. well, it could be that to. After all it is go-go boy night at the Boots and Saddle!

      Delete
    4. DAVID DUST: Welcome to Infomaniac!

      Did Wally offer you a slice of his pie if you voted for him?

      Delete
    5. Muh Puh brings all the menz to the yard....

      Delete
    6. I resemble that comment, Maddie.

      Delete
  15. I'm sweating bullets over here.....

    So hard to decide; I shall return!

    ReplyDelete
  16. most dificil, pero i'll choose cookie's brisket.

    of course, it goes without saying, mine's better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NORMA: This sparks an idea for our next competition…

      A brisket-bake-off!

      Delete
  17. I want to make clear that I have not actually made any of these (except LX's classic) because I am the laziest slag on the beach, but I think Cookie's brisket sounds irresistible, closely edging out Kevin's saucy chicken.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. PEENEE: So are you voting for Cookie or are you just chatting to yourself?

      PEENEE & WALLY: I think both you Bitches need to wash your hands.

      Delete
    2. Of course I'm voting for Cookie. Bitch, what is wrong with you? Pay attention.

      Delete
  18. This really is a great collection of recipes, I know that I will refer to them, trying different variations of them and confiscating the magical nuggets & hints...

    Thanks for the info kids!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Well Mj, it's like this. I'm torn. and sweating bullets over Norma's ding dong, and Wally's pie. I love chocolate and peanut butter. But I will have to go with Norma, as I love a good ding dong and chocolate!!! Wally's is my runner up. Now where is the special candy dish, I'm bushed!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I know darling, if only I could have tasted the dishes, or if Mj would have at least created a scatch and sniff feature......

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, didn’t you know, Mistress Maddie?

      Infomaniac has long been a scratch ‘n’ sniff blog.

      Delete
    2. My God. That must explain the fishy smell I get when I visit.

      Delete
    3. MISTRESS MADDIE: What you’re smelling is the Kipper Surprise from the Infomaniac Diner.

      Delete
  21. It's all just too hard, and the lack of a secret ballot is just going to leave me feeling guilty no matter which way I go, but I have to say that fab as they all are, because the Mr. and I are trying to slim down a little, I'm helpless in the face of that peanut butter pie.

    Please forgive me, everyone but Wally....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i concur!

      i'd wondered if the was a clicky voting widget
      we could attach to a blogger blog, but never
      bothered to investigate my musing.

      what else is new.

      Delete
    2. Oy!
      The guilt!
      To Name a name!
      The agony; the shame!

      Maschugana...

      Delete
    3. Muscato...

      A great man of exquisite tastes....

      I just wanted you to know that I am drinking my own Muscadine wine, surly you see the humor in this....

      Delete
    4. Would you Bitches prefer to return to the Chad system of voting?

      Delete
  22. Now... Which bitch do I choose to send to Ms Nations for dinner?

    I'll go with the one that I've never seen.... heard of.... nor for that matter tasted....

    Wally's Peanut-butter Pie....

    I do hope Clarice likes Chianti.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. PRINNY: Mistress MJ hopes you waited until the drugs wore off before casting your vote.

      Delete
    2. I didn't. Why should Prinny? Shit, it sounded like a party to me. Haven't you heard of smart drugs? They're the only ones we take. The fact that I had to ask someone to type this for me notwithstanding.

      Delete
  23. I'm voting for First Nations' Ravioli with sauce, it was the only dish on the menu that had my juices flowing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MITZI: Juices flowing?

      Is this Fanny Batter Friday?

      Delete
    2. You are adorable Mitzi. It was the Estelle Geddes thing that sold it, huh. Yeah, I knew that would bring all the boys to the yard.

      Delete
  24. No more jammy rings or ding dongs for Old Knudsen. He likes yon chicken in pappy sass. Needs some chips though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. KNUDSEN: Will you personally be catering this affair?

      Delete
  25. It's a copulatary tie here at Rancho FirstNations!
    First place should be shared by:

    PeeNees Potato Dauphinoise...high marks for technique, potatoey love

    Kevin's Street Chicken Olay Paprikasche...fuckin' awesome. I loved it

    Sorry I didn't get here sooner, kids. A bitch has been editing dirty, dirty porn for the past two weeks cuz momma gots to get paid.



    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NATIONS: Did you remember to wash your hands?

      YOU MAY VOTE FOR ONE RECIPE ONLY!!!

      Delete
    2. I'm ganking the free vote. Yeah that's right. And the answer is DOG, y'all. Oh yes. I know things. You are impressed.

      Delete
    3. Ganking .... rhymes with wanking.

      WASH YOUR HANDS!

      Delete
    4. THANK YOU FIRST NATIONS!

      MJ's has shaken a couple wankers today herself, so she'll join you at the sink.

      Yes, you are correct, the answer is "Dog" or "Pony" whichever is in MJ's pantry.

      Delete
    5. Just to clarify... Ms. Nations, who took a wrong turn AND is on drugs, has indicated in a previous post that her choice is Kevin’s Poulet au Paprika.

      Delete
    6. Your pony stew is boiling over, MJ.

      Delete
  26. Matthaeus 27, 24: "videns autem Pilatus quia nihil proficeret sed magis tumultus fieret accepta aqua lavit manus coram populo dicens innocens ego sum a sanguine iusti huius vos videritis"

    You may stand up now.

    Looking at all the entries evokes a range of feelings and reactions from "Oh yeah" to "Oh God" - thank you Ermintrude, cover the remnants of your modesty now, for fuck's sake.
    There is a simple thing for me to keep in mind when judging the entries, working through the recipes, tasting the tastes and spices, following the cookes on their adventures ... the simple thing is: Am I allowed to eat this? And in 10 from 11 cases the answer is no. And because here are no blaue Zipfel, my vote goes to XL's Cranberries, for the sheer beauty of the pure simplicity.
    It's a bit like the white cube among the dishes, simple, modern, unforgiving and unsentimental; like a katalysator - changing anything that comes in touch with it while staying the same all the time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MAGO: Are you suggesting that we install Mr. Laxative’s “Traditional Cranberries” in the Tate Modern?

      Delete
    2. CLAPCLAPCLAP <---- sound of clapping hands


      Author! Author!


      *wipes a tear*

      Delete
  27. I'm sorry, I am not too familiar with the Tate's collection.
    von Lax definitely stands in a great tradition that starts with DuCHAMP's objets trouves (Fountain 1917, Bicycle wheel 1913), leads over the all too known things of Warhol's factory to KOONS and EMIN's bed, the actual nadir I think, even lower than these stupid fish of the old Luftpumpe Hirst, whom I do not link.
    BUt the younger ones all miss the simple beauty of the master, old Marcel, that points over the individual towards an imagined transcendental truth - or the lack of this. The epigones point at themselves and stuff into the central vacuum their dirty underwear.
    von Lax has the guts to withstand this trend and returns to simplicity, austerity, and thus - beauty.
    I think the right place for his ouevre is the MOMA - and the Brits could for once do something good and throw this price at him ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MAGO: I have a feeling we’ll soon be seeing Von LX’s “Traditional Cranberries” in replica at the MOMA Gift Shop.

      Delete
  28. LET THE JUDGING BEGIN!

    First judgement: It's not really fair to compare sweet dishes against savory dishes...

    (I am not a sweet eater to begin with so they can only appeal to me in a theoretical and professional vein, albeit my educated palate & olfactory discern even the slightest of nuance presented in any confection).

    Each and every confection presented are lovely, and I will be baking some of these things at the restaurant, I promise!

    ReplyDelete
  29. After many hours and considerable reflection, I have come to a decision.

    I really took this judging seriously and I had to resort to elimination in order to proceed. Even under these parameters, this has been a tough decision...

    NOT IN ANY PARTICULAR ORDER:

    Toffee chunks, chocolate covered, in apple pie?
    Topher - you rule!

    A layered potato & tomato casserole simple and elegant?
    Ute - now I have a way to use some of that venison that the old man shot in a very hearty way, thanks!

    Healthy Jammy rings?
    Mitzi - we could all use more of this style of staple dining, I think I will try this substituting a little nut flour for the bran (Hazelnuts or toasted almonds), nothing like giving someone something good for them that tastes like sin!

    A salted Ding-Dong.....
    norma - from your lips to god's ears...

    Iced cream en croute, always a winner...
    Jon - I have a whole case of puff pastry that I need to use up & what a lovely way to do it at $3.25 a pop!

    Traditional Cranberries.... Complete with the traditional missing slice of said same.... (you thought none would notice, didn't you????).
    Von LX - Before I breath my last, I was shown in a dream, I will possess the secrets of the elusive cranberry sauce. It has been written.

    Potatoes & Porn
    Peenee - What's left to talk about?
    Got any corn liquor?

    NOW WE ARE LEFT WITH THREE.....

    ReplyDelete
  30. SHIT!
    It's five to twelve....

    Raviolis with sauce...
    Ms. First Nations - everything about this was perfect & very well done. I love a toasted hazelnut. However, raw garlic was insinuated. This, coupled with the fact that you have an ingrown dewclaw, forces me to move forward...

    (thanks for the great recipe though!)

    Cookie & Kevin....

    This is hard.

    Kevin mentions some Chef in the body of his submission (also he states that this is his own take on that recipe; (the wine glasses are over there dear)). I find myself sitting here dissecting said recipe. I find that I could give a very apt description of this chef and his/her experience of life.

    This is an incredibly excellent recipe! All of you should try it...

    I have spoken.

    And so the Cookie crumbles....

    THAT'S ONE BIG BASTARD OF A BRISKET RECIPE, COOKIE!

    It's new, it's fresh, it's not derivative....

    It has method with madness!

    Though I won't need Miss Lipton (I make my own onion soup, thank you).

    Besides, I really want one of those leftover grilled sandwiches with the swiss....
    soup cup of sauce on the side please. For dipping!

    ReplyDelete
  31. I'm a real twat when it comes to the kitchen..

    WASH YOUR HANDS!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Get your hands off your twat, Wally.

      Delete