Saturday, November 10, 2012

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #8 - Mr. Peenee's Potatoes Dauphinoise

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #8 - Mr. Peenee's Potatoes Dauphinoise



Potatoes Dauphinoise

This recipe has a lot going for it. Mainly, it's completely delicious, but also, it's foolproof, forgiving of meager talent and attention spans and it's from Julia Child, so you can casually mention "Yes, it's one of my favorites of Julia's recipes" implying you have knocked out her pâte brisée by the handsful. Also, it's ingredients are so basic you can count on scoring them anywhere, even a 7-11, if it comes down to that.



3 pounds potatoes (Yukon Gold are way the best, but anything will do)
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1/2 tablespoon salt
1 quart half-and-half

Wash your hands.

Heat the oven to 400

Peel the potatoes and slice as thin as possible. This is where having a food processor comes in handy. Don't have one? Suck it up and slice them by hand. THIN. Quit whining, I've done it, so can you, lazy cow. Do not rinse the potatoes or store them in water. They may turn a little brown. Big deal. You are such a whiny cow.



Put the garlic on a cutting board and pour the salt over it. Using the back of fork mash them together to make a paste. Oddly enough, when I was making this batch for these photos, I went to look up the recipe, the first time in like a decade of cranking it out and I found Julia calls for a TEASPOON of each. She was probably drunk when she wrote that, so just ignore her and go with a Tablespoon of garlic and a HALF Tablespoon of salt.



Get a big pot, like a dutch kettle, put the garlic/salt paste in the bottom, pour in enough half-and-half to cover it and stir it up vigorously to combine.

Dump in the potatoes, then the rest of the half and half and stir gently. Wash your hands. Your dinner guests might not know where you've had them, but mrpeenee has a pretty good guess. Since the potato slices all stick together, you have to reach in the pot and gently separate them so the half-and-half can get in there.

Bring to a gentle boil over pretty high heat and then turn down to medium to simmer for 2 -3 minutes. Stir occasionally to scrape up the deliciousness from the bottom of the pot. Try not to wander off and start looking at porn while waiting for this, but if you do, it's no big deal.

Julia says to then pop the whole thing in the oven, but my experience is if you use the same pot to both boil and bake, cleaning is a torture. Instead transfer it all to a large, shallow casserole that you've coated liberally with a nonstick spray. Put the casserole on a cookie sheet cause when the milk infused with potato starch cooks over, it is a mother fucking beast to clean. Bake at 400 for 45 - 50 minutes.

I have friends who really like the slightly scorched, black crusty bits the best. Freaks.

This is one of those blessed recipes which is actually better the next day. Heat it up in a low-ish oven, covered with foil for 20 - 30 minutes. Wash you hands before you stick your finger in to see if it's hot.

49 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. NORMA: There is not an antibacterial agent STRONG enough to make you cum clean.

      Delete
  2. PeeNee, this is genius! Yours looks gorgeous and perfect. I never had the knack. (And yes, I have made Julia's pate brisee by the metric shitload. When she was a kid my daughter had a thing for chicken pot pie.)
    Folks, if you make nothing else, make this one. The sum is astronomically greater than the parts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NATIONS: Had I known astronomy and math were involved, I would have brushed up on my science skills.

      Delete
  3. Is Mr Penee a germaphonbe or what? Hells Bells, what ever is on your hands only adds to the dish.....we'll NEVER tell.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TOPHER: Are you not aware that Mistress MJ is a germaphobe too?

      Wash your hands, Bitches!

      Delete
  4. This sounds wonderful. I'm definitely going to try it! (the washing my hands part, that is.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nope, you gotta cook the recipe. Trust me...Me, a complete stranger replying to your comment here on a filth blog.

      Delete
    2. JASON: Mistress MJ has kindly provided a video clip on how to wash your hands, for those of you who are new to the concept.

      Delete
    3. WILL J: Welcome to Infomaniac!

      Who are you and where did you come from?

      Did you smell Peenee’s Potatoes Dauphinoise from afar and were tempted to the scene?

      Delete
    4. NATIONS: Perhaps Will J is Margaret’s evil triplet.

      Delete
    5. Thank you for your kind welcome.

      Why yes, I found the smell of Peenee's Potatoes demanded investigation.

      Delete
    6. Apparently, he's asking us to smell his fingers now too.

      Delete
    7. Hai Will!

      Mom says it's time to clean your room and you need to go home now.

      Delete
  5. Kabuki adores both potatoes and hand washing. Leave it to the house of premier to combine both into a delightful experience.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are a delightful experience.

      Delete
    2. kabuki is a GIGASTAR.

      An artiste AND a gigastar.

      Delete
  6. ...I always wash my hands after visiting Infomaniac...
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MISS SCARLET: Be sure to get into the crevices.

      Delete
    2. Me Too!
      And then sometimes I must shower for hours after...

      Delete
  7. "Wash your hands" has to be the best step in any of these recipes, given that this is Infomaniac!

    Looks like a yummy dish.

    PS: Mistress, did I win yet?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. VON LX: Don’t make me wash your mouth out with soap.

      Delete
  8. A kind of Kartoffel Gratin ad usum Delphini - and the crunchy black crust is great!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MAGO: Approach anything “crusty” on Infomaniac with caution.

      Delete
  9. Superb mrpeenee! One of my favourites though i'm not sure what Half and half is? Half Gin... Half Vodka maybe? I'll give it a go and see how pissed i can get....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. PRINNY: Half and half is a product that is composed of one-half cream and one-half whole milk.

      You can see a carton of it in Peenee’s second photo.

      Delete
    2. I think I like Princes' formula better!

      Delete
    3. VON LX: I suppose you'll need something industrial strength like half-gin-half-vodka to get the soapy taste out of your mouth after I'm through with you.

      Delete
  10. La meilleure recette du concours jusqu'à maintenant!


    Drop the half-and-half and go for 35%

    Spread some small pieces of previously cooked bacon (and even some finely chopped green oinions) in between the layers and shove the whole thing in the oven without pre-boiling them. Cover it for the first 10-15 minutes.

    That's been our take to the Dauphin for ages and we're sticking to it!

    ReplyDelete
  11. A culinary classic, sure to please!

    Wash Your Hands!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, this was unexpected, but so welcomed. mrpeenee is not as dirty as I had previously pondered (briefly, and not excessively).

      Hai Wally!

      Delete
  12. I see that Peenee and I use the same word, deliciousness to describe things that are delicious. Cookie is pleased.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Well it works... I got pretty pissed... funny how you can make vodka from potatoes then cook the potatoes in the vodka.... It's a whole circle of life thing I guess.... Goodnight....
    * Thud... joins Maude sprawled on the floor after her night on the cooking sherry*

    ReplyDelete
  14. That's all well and good but has Mr. Peenee tried deboning a duck?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. CP (btw long time no see! Smoochy smoochy!) If PeeNee is doing classics from Julia Child the man is no doubt a past master at deboning anything. So, um... watch your bone around him, I guess.

      Delete
    2. Hello FN dear! *smoochy smoochy*
      I suppose one should watch ones bone around the Peenee. I would like to see him do it Julia Childs style

      Delete
    3. All smutty entendres aside, I have, in fact, boned chickens, but I think they taste better cooked on the bone.

      Delete
  15. That looks gorgeous! I’ve tried this recipe many times before, always without success. Imagine tucking into a plate of creamy dauphinoise you've slaved all day to make, only to find that the potatoes are undercooked. What's the secret?

    A few of my friends are half & half, I’ve never been tempted there myself.

    To drink...

    Mitzi recommends a nice Pernod and blackcurrent.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, right? I can never get this to turn out right. It's gotta be the layering and the type of pan. Which means we need to *copy/save* this sapsucker and try again. I think he has the 411.

      Delete
  16. ..yup, I think this is the piece of resistance:
    "Julia says to then pop the whole thing in the oven, but my experience is if you use the same pot to both boil and bake, cleaning is a torture. Instead transfer it all to a large, shallow casserole that you've coated liberally with a nonstick spray"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We did it once in an aluminium pan while on a camping trip. Works fine and no cleaning!!!

      Delete
  17. But does Miss Childs call everyone a "cow" while she's cooking? And, watching clips on YouTube I don't think we ever saw her wash her hands either... Jx

    PS A good Dauphinoise is a genuine joy. Apparently the secret of avoiding the undercooked potato is - as Peenee says - cut the slices thin!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thank you everybody, very kind of you all. I swear it's foolproof.

    I think the potatoes pretty much get cooked in the stovetop stage. The oven just thickens it up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hope you washed those
      dirty school hands before
      you came back in here.

      Delete
    2. You wandered off to watch porn, didn't you, Peenee?

      Delete