Happy Birthday, Alasdair and Kaz!

Double birthday greetings go out today to Canuckistan’s Alasdair (aka nwtrunner) and our favourite Mancunian minx, Kaz.



Happy Birthday, Alasdair!









Alasdair lives way up north in Canada’s western Arctic. As a tribute to him on his special day, I’ve composed a pome:

He’s from the land of ice and snow
Where’s there’s nowt to do but ski, you know
And hope for some fellatio
From a friendly Eskimo




Happy Birthday, Kaz!





Kaz needs no introduction (ask any man in Manchester) and here’s a wee pome for her as well:


A good time gal from northern Blighty
Table dances in her nightie
She loves her vodka, she's a lush
Her antics make the punters blush



Please join Infomaniac in wishing these two remarkable characters best wishes on their big days.

The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition – Make It End!

Only YOU can make The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition end by submitting your winning caption.

The deadline has been extended and according to Inexplicable DeVice (IVD)…


Due to an inexplicable... Let's just say 'glitch', I've extended The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition by 24 hours. So, you now have until 12 noon (GMT) Monday 24th Spetemeber to get your caption in.

I'll announce the winner later that day, or on Tuesday morning.



ENTER NOW! RIGHT HERE! MAKE IT END!!!

The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Want YOU!

Please help release these Shorts from their prison on Inexplicable DeVice’s body…






The deadline to win The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition rapidly approaches. Enter by midday Greenwich Mean Time on Sunday, September 23rd. You could be the lucky winner!


Let’s take a peek at IVD in his usual street attire so that we may all recall what he looked like before The Shorts came into his possession…





Photo via Tazzy and Piggy



Since donning The Shorts, IVD’s gone through quite a transformation as seen here in this collection of photographs by SID…







By the time the compo is over…







After being force-fed potatoes by SID…







As you can see, these Shorts desperately need a good home.

Only YOU can stop the abuse. Only YOU can stop the stainage.

Free The Shorts.

Do the right thing and enter the compo here.

A Toast to Kaz

I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host.
-- Dorothy Parker

Congratulations, Kaz! I won’t say why in case one or your old aunties is reading this blog. But I knew you could do it. I knew you could say it. Especially since I found out that you table danced in a seedy underground nightclub in Belgium.

Everyone…this round’s on me in honour of our Kaz.

To Kaz!

Danish Pastry

Piggy and I spent the better part of the evening discussing how to achieve world peace and eliminate poverty and global warming.

So it was only natural that the conversation should steer from those issues to that poofy little Danish pastry, CyberPete.



Two things in particular are on our minds:

1) What does he look like?

And

2) Which name best suits him?

We also tried to imagine his sex life but we both got nauseous thinking about it. Piggy supposes it involves CyberWhatever posing as a 12-year-old girl to entertain toothless Krauts.

So let’s address these issues one at a time…




1) What does he look like?

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the national symbol of Denmark, The Little Mermaid?…










Well, I think CyberPete looks just like her…









2) Which name best suits him?

What name shall we use to address CyberPete from now on? He’s not fond of CyberTwat although I think that name is as apt as any other. So let’s review the possibilities.

Please select your fave name for CyberPete or suggest one of your own:

CyberTwat
CyberCunt
CyberSlut
CyberSlag
CyberWhore
CyberPoo
CyberCindy


Discuss.

The Return of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition

He’s teased and taunted us for months.

Remember when he tossed The Shorts into the cement mixer and tried to bury them in the back yard?…






And who can forget when he enticed us with a bit of scrawny KFC leg?…






Well FINALLY Inexplicable DeVice (known affectionately as IVD) is holding The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition!


It's on NOW! And you could be the next winner!

Submit your captions on IVD’s blog by midday Greenwich Mean Time on Sunday, September 23rd. And don't forget to read the rules he's posted.


Go! Now! Here to Inexplicable DeVice’s blog. See him pictured in The Shorts as never before!


Our clever wee witchy has even created a map to show where The Elf Shorts have journeyed so far …




(click to enlarge)




Are you new to Infomaniac and wondering what this is all about? Then check out The Definitive History of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts.



Note: Don’t be put off about entering the compo by all the captions that SID and I left. We’re both previous winners of The Shorts and tend to get a little swept up in the moment. Remember, YOU could be the next winner!


Go there. Now!

Free Hugs

Gardening, yoga, bubble baths, medication … and I still want to smack somebody!

Yet I’ll make every attempt today to be a better person.

So I’m giving away free hugs to anyone who wants one.

*Offer good for one day only*

*Apply only to affected area*

*Do not exceed recommended dosage*

*Sanitized for your protection*

Techno-Thicko

Somebody help me, wouldya?



UPDATE: Problem solved. Thanks Old Knudsen!



I can’t figure out how to post my avatar to my Blogger Profile.

This makes me officially more technologically-challenged than IVD, who managed to create quite a brilliant map of The Elf Shorts on his blog.

Yes, I’ve already read the instructions on Blogger and I still can't make sense of it.

Suggestions welcome.

Caption This!

(click to enlarge)


Caption this, bitches!

Choose an Avatar for MJ

What do you mean, this avatar is already taken?


UPDATE: The stripey legs wins as my avatar! Now if only I could figure out how to add it to my Profile.


Shockingly, I have discovered there are other MJs in the Blogosphere!

Other MJs who occasionally leave comments on some of the same blogs I visit. And they, like me, do not have avatars. Confusion could ensue.

So I’m asking you bitches to help me choose a photo for my Blogger Profile. Here are the options…




MJ models The Shorts from The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition…








MJ dead drunk in Elf Shorts…







MJ with a troll head…








Cigar smoker #1…







Cigar smoker #2…







Please select one of the above or offer a suggestion of your own.

The Filthy Bitches of Infomaniac

It started out innocently enough.

Bloggers Maidy, First Nations, Prunella Jones and MJ were enjoying a summer outing together…







A pleasant, sunny day at the lake…







Then, and I’m not making this up… you can check yesterday’s comments if you don’t believe me.

Then, Pru said to me, “I have a girl crush on you.” And Maidy (not surprisingly) added, “I’d fuck ya.” And First Nations chimed in with, “I'd do ya too.”







Filthy bitches! The lot of them!





Maidy, FN and Pru praying for MJ muff




Before you know it, those 3 wenches had me rolling around in an undisclosed lakeside cabin (possibly the same cabin where Smunty did Tazzy and Piggy)…







That trio of trollops got so wrapped up in their little game that they didn’t notice me slip away…






I’ve left the three hellbound harlots there in the cabin for the remainder of the day.

Just as I’m leaving you, my bitches, for today I have other business to attend to.

See you Wednesday.

Tell me what happens next.

Say Something Nice to MJ Day

G’won. I dare you.

Say something nice to me.

Polka Mass

Shouldn’t you heathens be at Polka Mass?




But wasn’t it America’s Polka King, Frankie Yankovic, who said, “In Heaven There is No Beer!”?

Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Update

Wondering whatever became of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts?

Wonder no more. Somewhere in Norwich…



The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts as modeled by IVD.




IVD, do you call those bony drumsticks LEGS? These are legs…





MJ drunk on the heady scent of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts.




The Wee Witch of Norwich, Inexplicable DeVice (IVD), promises to FINALLY hold The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition starting the week of Sunday, September 16, 2007.

One can only wonder what filthy pose he’ll end up in once he’s had a nip of gin.

I’ll keep you updated.

Album Cover of the Week

Geo’s a Naughty Boy

Bend over, Geo.

You’ve been a very naughty boy, haven’t you?




This is going to hurt us more than it will hurt you, Geo



Maidy and I are going to give you a thwacking you won’t forget unless you give a good answer to this question…


WHY DID YOU DELETE YOUR BLOG?


Where will we go NOW for accounts of big rigs, tales of tanks, massive weaponry, World War Two battle reenactments and bitch-fighting Barbie dolls? Where, I ask you?

Bitches: A show of hands if you think Geo should be punished for deleting his blog?

And when Maidy and I are through with you we’re turning you over to this guy…



Prepare for punishment, Trucker Boy!

The Morning After

Excuse my lack of pep.

As you can see, I’m a little tired today after yesterday’s exorcism.

Does anyone have any idea what happened to me?

And can anyone offer an elixer?

Help Me, I’m Possessed!

Somebody DO something!

Fornicators!

That deranged church group has decided that I (“The Devil’s Whore”) am “beyond redemption” so they’ve given up on saving my soul.

They’ve also declared that poofy Dane a lost cause and rightfully so as he’s been posting homosexual filth such as this over on his blog…






Starfishsuckers!





But here’s what I can’t understand. And I quote the church’s MongMaster …

"Perhaps Piggy and Tazzy can help them come to terms with just how bad they are. We like Piggy and Tazzy. Disgusting, abominable and putrid - just like the Smunts. Yes, we like the Smunts too."

Anybody in their right mind can see that Piggy and Tazzy and The Smunts are the cause of the downfall of civilization. Has this church group gone mad?!









Perhaps I just need to air out my blog.


Which brings me to today’s question.

If my blog had a scent, what would it smell like?

A Day of Rest

I don’t know about you but I’m exhausted from Friday’s attempt to save our souls.




One size fits all…IVD could probably accommodate a few of these in one go




Thankfully the MongMaster is on vacation and will probably move along to another group of sinners.


I need a day of rest and besides that, you’re all either hung over or away on hols.

So should I resist all worldly temptations and just lie back and relax…





… and listen to the soothing sounds of The Crawford Family?…








Or should I listen to the Devil and go shoe shopping?...