Sunday, April 01, 2012


It’s here at last, Bitches!

Today you show the world your wares!


Infomaniac Bitches were invited to “Show and Tell” any item in their house and here are the results

This is Shriney McShriner. He's a Shriner. And he's my very best friend. At just under five inches tall, he is easily insertable.

I think it's 1973-74. This is my very first television. She swivels, just like me. Yup, I still have it. Just dug it out of its hibernation and as you can see, it still works! Of course, this is nothing....what makes this so great is what happened to be on when I plugged it in and got her hooked up. After a bit of searching, I figured out that this movie is "Impasse" (1969) starring Burt Reynolds and Anne Francis. This portion of the film found Burt chasing someone into a den of cock fighting (YES!). While Burt smokes his Tareyton, this other gentleman says to him, "That's Cooley, the one with the white cock."
The perfect movie to watch on ones 1970s era Panasonic.
The Infomaniac Gods were at it again.

Carmen (my maid) keeps a clean and tidy house. However, her bedside drawer as you can see, is a disgrace.

I've got the pool set up in preparation for the HOT weather. Come join me in a dip and a frolic. We can have refreshments at poolside, drink copiously from the vodka fountain and play a rousing game of Twister. Clothing optional.

Here's my little submission to your Show and Tell.
It's my vintage Vargas print from a late 60s Playboy.
She hangs proudly and seductively on my bedroom wall.

So I just snapped the nearest things to me and what do I get? A glitterball stood in a souvenir ashtray of the Demon of Lanzarote, a miniature coffin and candy ghoul left over from Hallowe'en, an Art Deco candle-light, a small eyewash bowl that actually contains my other half Madam Arcati's crown that fell off and is waiting for the dentist appointment to put it back, and an "amusing" beer-mat with a picture of a cat dressed as Lady GaGa.
Welcome to MY world...

I have something to show and tell the “Infomaniac Class of 2012. Here are “The 3 Faces of Maude" my ancient dressmaker’s dummy.
Originally Maude came perched on a metal pole and wooden stand. Sadly on arriving home one evening I found Maude sprawled on the floor and out cold. It seems her wooden stand had collapsed leaving her literally legless... and I might add... smelling suspiciously of cooking sherry! So now she has learnt to balance times precariously.... on what ever is at hand... In this instance a cardboard box full of fabric scraps on a stool... and at other times balanced by the hips between two chairs. Until I can afford an upgrade to a newer “spiffier” adjustable model then I guess the old girl will just have to do for now... I just need to keep the cooking sherry under strict lock and key!

For show and tell, I am submitting one of my favorite treasures - an authentic 18th century wig powder jar. While it no longer contains any powder, I am pleased to report that it can eventually and handily accept the cremains of at least one former husband.

I was considering whether to spend my money on a silicone dildo or...something more practical. In the end, I spent it on neither. Instead, here's a little essay on the completely useless thing which, for reasons which I can't now recall, I decided I wanted in my life last week. Two pictures enclosed.

This is the Thing in my house.

Look at my pocket. No, pocket, not packet. Thank you. It's a nice pocket, in a nice jacket, a birthday present from my mother, specifically for teaching in. Because only teachers wear corduroy jackets.

My teaching looking back at you. One of the pens is a secret video camera. For GBP20 on eBay you can get this marvel of James Bondery (Bondage?), to slip into your pouch. The instructions have been lovingly translated from Chinese, possibly via Albanian. The result is quite poetic, for example: "Continue to Camera: The standby mode, short press the button to eliminate yellow, blue light, blue lights began to flicker that is also the beginning of the video." Once deciphered, it's also completely wrong. As were the specifications on the eBay seller's page. What should have been two hour's running time at 720x480 is one hour at 640x480, and it takes two hours to charge from your computer's USB port. A process which sometimes crashes Windows.

Then you can upload the result onto your computer, and you've got a youtubable slice of your life, as seen from a foot below your chin, complete with all the rustlings and clunks you get from any movement at all. But wait, there's more. It's also a staggeringly slow 4GB USB storage device. But wait again, there's even more. Because you can also use it as...a pen! You can get special ink refils designed to fit into the half of the pen which is actually a pen. I've tried strapping it to my head with an elastic band to film the dogs - but for some reason they don't like it. I'm sure one day it'll come in useful. Provided I've remembered to charge it the night before.

For my show and tell photo,I have chosen to share the latest tribute in my ever growing Joan Crawford collection. I don't ordinarily collect dolls,but this "Devil in White" by Tonner Dolls really caught my eye. I have chosen to display her in a special display I put together complete with glamour flask full of top shelf vodka.

LXAmun Ra ring. Replica of one of the gold rings buried with King Tutankhamun. Got it in Chicago at the "Treasures of Tutankhamun" exhibit in 1977 at the very height of Tut-O-Mainia.

Last year for Easter we appeased our SIL by agreeing to participate in her family’s long tradition of making egg dioramas. I went with “Million Dollar Eggy” and I’m quite annoyed to say I did not win! Other entries included “Reservoir Eggs” and “Count Eggula”.

Here at Rancho FirstNations, we are hard as nails and metal as fuck; therefore we decorate with dead animal parts.

Pictured here is only one of the charming dust-covered tchotchke vignettes in our home. There is a taxidermied alligator head, the mystic numeral '2', a claw-shaped thingie off a chair, the hollow, dessicated and subsequently laquered remains of a mouse my husband found in the garage, a goldfinch skull I found in my garden, a crow skull that I found in my garden, several eggs that birds have given me (offerings? I like to think so) a rat skull I found in the garden, some random ancestral Biker family tools, and a daguerreotype of our beloved village idiots 'Man-Calf Sieverson' and 'Deef Tim'.

I have grabbed the closest object to hand, which is my comment making kit... you didn't really think that my comments simply spilled out of my head did you? On no, it's a long laborious process.....

For Infomaniac Show-n-tell, I offer up my vintage 1960's era "naughty" drink trays.
I've had them for years, and actually had more.
Sadly, they were ruined in my Great Basement Flood of 2009. =(

This is my mom's dresser (is that how you say "commode"?? I've seen the word "chest of drawers" but I'm not sure which is the right one). It's made of mahogany. Not mahogany veneer but full, genuine, solid mahogany. She bought it when she got married in 1959. There was also a man's dresser and a huge, massive bed head-piece with drawers. Those two are missing though. My dad took his dresser when my parents separated(!) and the head-piece was given away to friends when we moved into an apartment where the master bedroom was way to small for the bed to fit in. What a shame!

My mom's dresser also used to have a large, full-length mirror but we broke it when we moved in this apartment in 2006. I kept the frame of the mirror also made of solid mahogany, and even if my mother is nagging me to get rid of it, I won't budge: I'll keep it. You can see it tucked behind the dresser.

I don't know if this piece has any kind of value today. Maybe the fact that the whole set is now dismantled, must decrease its value. And although such ensemble was (and still is) far from cheap, my mom paid only half of its retail value because she could get it directly from the factory where one of her friend worked back then.

My parents grew up in one of the poorest French-Canadian neighborhoods of Montreal where you couldn't expect anything from life unless you spoke English. After the Second World War, things started changing and French-Canadians began to work at gaining their political, economical and cultural maturity and autonomy. So it was quite an achievement for my parents only to be able to afford such an impressive (and expensive) piece of furniture, the only one we've ever got in all my life, cause still today, most of the furniture in the house was bought in garage sales or given by friends and relatives who were getting rid of their old furniture to get new ones.

It's a TUBA!

This is a painting by the hand of my oldest friend, Karen. It hung in my first restaurant & in my toilet as well. It has been with me everywhere since 1985 & even before that! I have noticed that Japanese people are taken with it, truly.....
This being said; I need to know...

I have two for you this time.

This is one of my favorite objects in the Casa du Borghese. I love clocks and this is my favorite. I got it at Bombay Company years ago. It sits in my boudior and always reminds me to wrap things up before the next lad shows up.

It even has a surprise door that stores little tresures like jewels, money, perhaps small libation bottles and even some sundry items. Ready to grab!

And this is my other enjoyable item. The Lad. He is my usual "date". He is a good time and hours of fun. And has a booty like a amusment ride that doesn't stop!

This is a thumbdrum. My dad gave it to me. He found it in Arkansas while on vacation many years ago. It's made from a gourd (coconuts can also be used). The tines are made of tempered steel and are numbered for easy playing. This type of instrument originates from Africa and is also commonly known as a sansa, kalimba, and thumb piano. It also came with a song book. You can get these in diatonic scale or pentatonic scale. Mine is diatonic. So far I've only been able to master "You are My Sunshine" I can tell you it's easier to play without finger nails. They tend to distort the sound of each note. It's really fun to play with and it's definitely a conversation piece when people come to the house.

This is a picture of the first thing I use in the morning.

Morning routine:
Fill in water for two cups of coffee.
Switch on.
Put clothes on.
Switch on computer.
Log in.
Three spoons of coffee, boiling water, two spoons of condensed milk.
Carry to desk.
Lift jalousie.
Sit down.
Drink coffee and read news.

Boring, mh?

There is a school next door that is used for storage for various city functions. The city recently remodeled our downtown branch library and stored a ton of books there. Now that it's time to reopen, rather than relocate the books the city just tossed them into the dumpster. I'm probably going to show these pictures at a city hall meeting. They didn't even try to have a book sale or to recycle them either. Shameful waste.

Here in North West Florida Fahrenheit 451, books are banned, there is no education and people are encouraged to be stupid. That doesn't stop me from raiding the dumpsters at night at the risk of being incinerated on the spot to retrieve precious knowledge.

1. Here is the dumpster outside the former (library).

2. The inside.

3. Close-up.

4. What I salvaged.

5. What I'm reading.The first book I pulled out was Rosalind Russell's autobiography. Years ago I pulled Auntie Mame out of a similar pile of discarded books. DESTINY.

What could be more Show and Tell than a tranny mag? I dug up this charmer years ago in a local second hand porn dealer (and let me just emphasize how happy I am to live in a city that has more than one of these shops.) I started out with two of them, but the other, which was also loaded with "personal ads," was cut up over the years as material for the handmade valentines I used to create.

It appears the model's name is Tammy. Isn't that adorable?


Mistress MJ sends you all to the head of the class!


  1. Replies
    1. We here at Infomaniac remind you that THIS IS NOT A CONTEST!

  2. Wunderbar! I think my favorite is the first picture but can't find out whose is it!

    Now come on you bitches, GET YOUR FAT ASSES OFF THE COUCH and give our Mistress a big round of applause!

    *applauses frantically*

    Is there more popcorn???


  4. Help yourselves to some popcorn, fellas.

  5. what a delight, sugar! perfect for today...

    (i'm so proud to be an infomaniac bitch!)

    1. Savannah darlin, I love the show and the tell! You and Cory should play us a ditty!

    2. mrpeenee is not making the following sentence up: I used to play tuba in high school, badly. That big hunk of brass is a sousaphone, which I also can handle.

    3. the infomaniac symphony orchestra

      mr.peenee: first chair sousaphone.
      (no doubt the chair's endowed)

  6. I want to blow Savannah's tuba. But I also want to blow Maddie's Lad. Which should I try first? And which one's more likely to blow back?

    Is that what put the smile on the face of Thombeau's Turk?

    Big thanks to Coreyjo, because now I finally know what a kalimba looks like. Boney M had a song called 'Kalimba di Luna' so I was expecting something less...gourdy.

    Mago lives with her kettle, and I live with mine. I use it to make noodles with gravy when I wake up at four in the morning feeling hungry.

    Could Deep Blue's sideboard be jazzed up with...MDP's books!

    Ms FirstNations has an amazing house. It's just the kind of place the kitchest serial killer in the world would live.

    1. Kapitano, why yes, he does blow back....he is fond of the "How many blows does it take" concept

    2. You're most welcome Kapitano! You should see my sister's...hers looks like a giant peanut!!

  7. Oh wow - I am so glad my assembled junk can hold its head up against some of the bizarre relics the Infomaniac Bitches have come up with... Such fun! Jx

    1. Where ever did you find the cute coaster? You come for drinks too. I have a things for coasters today, I believe

    2. I have some very mad friends who give me gifts such as these... Mine's a gin and tonic! Clink clink! Jx

    3. Oh look...gin buddies.

      I'll call you the Gin Blossoms.

    4. well gin does make the world go round....

  8. BRAVA!
    What a perfect way to spend a rainy Sunday morning!

    Thank you Mistress!

  9. What a fantastic array of "Never Seen Before"
    objects submitted! I'm impressed Bitches! What eclectic lot we are!

    Congratulations to MJ for putting this post together... I know how Time consuming it is...
    Well done one and all!

    1. Princess, when I said "a round of applause", it wasn't a signal for you to go around the room and slap eveybody's arses.

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    3. OH, this explains why my ass hurts......

    4. But Huggy Jon...How else should one celebrate "The year of the arse"?

  10. Thank you, Bitches!

    But let's hear more about the Show and Tell items (as Kapitano has done) rather than praising little ole Mistress MJ.

    It's YOUR contributions that made this Show and Tell event a success!


    The vodka fountain is open!

    1. Well... I love Topher's idea of playing Twister in the vodka fountain!

  11. Oh and my Ding-Dong is doing pretty well WITHOUT a lady's rub, thank you very much!

    1. Ding-Dong! The witch's dead! hahahaha!!!

  12. Now Maddie better show up quick otherwise she'll find her Lad in thousand pieces.

    Hand off, you bitches, it's my turn! He's mine for the next half hour!

    1. And I'm the one who woke up with a sore ass!!!! Sorry Im late, but I can't tell you what all this light does to a hang over. Now Jon growing up did you break in the bed with youngins?

  13. a hearty tip o' the hat to:

    thom: looks like you cleaned him beautifully.

    me: loved my coincident

    mitzi: why not keep wendell in his velvet carrying case?

    topher: i adore an indoor pool! your house must be worth a fortune!

    jason: know those bad dreams you've been having?

    jon: did we know you're a decorator?

    princess: have the police closed the case?

    dupree: bet my snappy eva gabor "pixie" would fit in that.

    kapitano: i adore covert work.

    peeper: face it, you collect dolls.

    LX: and you walk like an egyptian?

    anon boxer: i like mine poached, medium.

    first nations: forgive me, but i'll just wait here at the door.

    miss scarlet: LOVE.

    blazg scarlet: did i read about that flood?

    deep blue: LOVE that dresser. keep on keepin' on.

    savannah: we do need some music here.

    wally: don't shit where you eat.

    maddie: watch your back. all the bitches will konk you on the head for a chance to grab the lad. the bell tolls for thee.

    coreyjo: you can be the thumbdrum section next to savannah.

    mago: before you go into the kitchen, insert quaalude suppository. the news will never look the same again.

    pirate: i say, thank god you're there to save these treasures. as for destiny, we're all on that same freeway.

    peenee: is there a phone number for tammy?

    mj: the cornucopia queen!

    1. Norma, thank God I ran and got my opera glasses. How did I miss Wendell? And as for Thom's cleaning skills, silver polish works wonders doesn't it? And I do believe Pirate is the hero for the day! Now lets see him in some tights shall we?

  14. My cornucopia dispenses Quaalude suppositories.

    Help yourselves, Bitches!

  15. None of this surprises me in the least. I love it all, and love all who participated, and love Mistress MJ even more!

    1. You're high on Quaaludes right NOW, aren't you Thom?

      Shriney McShriner!

    2. Quaaludes and champagne. It's Sunday brunch!

    3. Your specialty, as I recall, is the Russian Quaalude, involving Stoli, Kahlua, Franjelico, and cream.

      And your recommendation..."So tasty, and guaranteed to FUCK YOU UP!"

    4. Someday, we shall get together for Russian Quaaludes. And we'll live to regret it!

  16. OMG! * INHALING SMELLING SALTS* I'm still trying to keep from passing out from Ayem8y's story! Someone would actually throw out Rosalind Russell's autobiography or Auntie Mame!!!!!!! Someone..... please bring me a bromaide with gin. On other fronts, this is good to see. I enjoyed this. Remind me to never break down near First Nations! What skulls didn't we see? I also adore the dirty coaster set of Balzing Scarlett, and the lovely flask of PEEPER BEEPER, if only the gown were bigger… And I especially loved Norma's tv and the story of cock fights! And I should never borrow Shirley McShiner, for dear Thombeau may never see his treasure again. Now Mistress Mj.... where was your spread?????

    1. Maddie, look at me.

      Can't you see they're spread already?

  17. Well hon, it was a late night, let me get my opera glasses.......

  18. .....oh yes, so you do have a spread. Now I'm going back to view the wonderful show again, and stop by the fountain to get the hair of the dog.

  19. I had a dream last night about drag queens in powdered wigs playing twister in a dumpster to tuba music on a 70s TV.

    What could it all mean?

  20. Was there a drag queen movie marathon on I missed?

  21. I didn't think it could get any better than Mistress Maddie's Lad, but as always, Peenee trumps us all.

  22. I think my head is going to explode. Mostly from finding out Burt Reynolds is into White Cock.

  23. Ayem8y, has Crazy Curtis employed you as his chief bin rifler?

    Ms First Nations deserves a standing ovation for her gruesome collection of severed heads.

  24. Maude wants to know if any of you Bitches has a spare head laying about? She's pea green with envy after seeing this little lot! She'd even make do with a mirror ball or thumb drum!

    She's packing her shovel and booking her ticket to Ms Nations yard as we speak!

  25. I ADORE everyone's chotchkies, memorabilia and artwork .... but Ayem8y's brought a tear to my eye.
    All those books!
    In a dumpster?
    Sad ....
    So glad you were able to rescue some of them.

    Mistress Maddie, is your LAD, um ... into the lady bitches too?
    I'm asking for a ... "friend".
    (I so want to bite that ass! I mean, my "friend" really wants to bite that ass ...)

    Damnit .....

    1. well lambchop, everyone has a price.....


      That ass is so mine!!

  26. All one needs to launch a household, Firstnational deadheads included.

  27. Great collection of stuff!
    I feel like thrift shopping now..

  28. I have no idea where to start. This was a blast!

    Thombeau: I have a magnetic celluloid Dashboard Shriner Perhaps youse'ns and mineuns could be pen pals!

    Jason: VARGAS!!!!

    Prinny: She's fallen forward onto her tits one two many times, just like you and me...

    Savannah: Your Sousaphone is magnificent. Maybe if you put it together you could call somebody. Have you tried?

    Mago: Thats either the worlds largest plug-in coffee mug or the worlds smallest plug-in coffee pot. Either way the alien watching through your window to the right there seems interested.

    Mr. PeeNee: VINTAGE PORN!!!

    I want to visit everyone. Expect me. I'll be carrying a large, suspiciously empty purse.

    1. Some one attempted to give Maude a boob job at some stage but botched it terribly!

  29. Sorry I am late!
    I think an Infomanic bitch museum needs to be added to the main manor - imagine browsing it for real - would be wonderful.

  30. Such an interesting assortment of things the class has brought to share. I'm rather partial to Thom's shriner or any of the things shown that are easily insertable for that matter. Like the sousaphone or thumbdrum...

    1. Ha! then you could be featured in butt of the month as a musical ass!!

  31. I'm going to insist on a special post devoted to Mistress Maddie's lad!!!

    1. And another post called Blow & Tell!

    2. Featuring Mistress Maddie's lad!

    3. Excellent idea Thombeau!!

    4. "Blow & Tell".... HA!!!

    5. "Blow & Tell"

      mj, isn't that the vanity plate on your minivan?

  32. ***roar of laughter from the Casa du Borghese****

  33. My oh My!! What a turnout. I'm out for a couple of days with a migraine and look what I come back to find!! A smorgasbord of delights.

    Mitzi→ could I get the # for your maid service please...I'm in need of a cleaning.

    Anonymous Boxer→ I Demand a Recount!! I love your egg diorama.

    Miss Scarlet→ I must try this for when the midgets are pestering me for an answer to their never ending homework.

    Jon→ It's BEAUTIFUL!! Don't ever get rid of it or touch the finish with more than oil polish/soap... I agree, keep the mirror frame!! You can replace the mirror, or use a board with cork, or frames of photos of the family...or..or..or all kinds of things mother would love!! I so need to get to Canada ASAP!!

    Maddie→ I love your clocks! I don't know that I could ever sleep or relax because of all the ticking but they are beautiful...and the LAD!! DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN!! He's going in my bank right next to your sexy self in all your finery. ;)

    AYM8Y→ This makes me want to cry! It's as bad a burning books. If I were there I would be taking all the books I could get, FU@% the police, and donating them somewhere they would be greatly appreciated. Someone should be shot!!

    All the items are great!! Next I think we should do a show & tell with the oldest item in your home...just a thought.

    1. CoreyJo: Love your show & tell idea and will keep it on file.