Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Secrets

Mistress MJ is convinced that you’re all withholding information.



We know that each and every one of you has a secret to tell; a juicy little piece of gossip about one or more of your fellow Infomaniac bitches.

We’re certain that Piggy knows a secret about Beast who knows a secret about Mr. Frobisher who knows a secret about IVD who knows a secret about CyberPete who knows a secret about Eroswings who knows a secret about Kapitano and on and on and on.

So go on then.

Spill it, sistahs.

Note: Some discretion is advised! This is strictly tongue-in-cheek so please don’t dish on any blogger who has actually confided in you. We don’t want this to end in tears now, do we?

67 comments:

  1. Well now that you mention it, I really shouldn't say.

    My lips are sealed.

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  2. This is strangely unnerving. Being first AND second and now maybe third.

    What's up with that?

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  3. Just make something up, dammit!

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  4. I know nothing about no one nowhere, I tell ya!

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  5. Kevin: See my comment above.

    Lord almighty.

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  6. Is the real secret that everyone but I will stay away today?

    Or maybe... Just MAYBE XL hooked up with Miss Boxer and her chincillas?

    I can only imagine what ungodly things are going on there.

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  7. How very dare you!

    Fine.

    I heard from someone who heard from someone that a certain someone who lives on the western side of Canadia that she poisoned perfectly innocent trees just so she could have a view from her condo terrace.

    There!

    SUCK IT, JESUS!

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  8. CYBERPOOF: Quit trying to flag down Kevin.

    This is NOT a dating service.

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  9. I can make something really nice up about Mitzi.

    Wait, that would be too far of a stretch. It wouldn't be belieable. Sorry.

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  10. Oh, hai yourself, CyberPete!

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  11. Hey! Kevin, someone in my family did that too

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  12. Oh, yeah? someone in your fam damily made up something about Mitz? gosh she gets around, eh?

    I'm good, eh?

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  13. KEVIN: I hope you don’t think I did it!

    This is the tree killer!

    CYBERPOOF: Mitzi’s on hols and not here to defend herself so stop that right now.

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  14. Ooh, secrets! Well, I'm not one to gossip, as you know, but I have a certain tidbit of knowledge that I think you'll find interesting:
    'Petra has fancied a girl!
    Admittedly, she was a really butch lesbo and looked like a boy, but still.

    Oh, and those aren't Frobisher's recipes at all! He gets them from Womans Weekly!

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  15. No, no I suspect someone in my fam damiky tried to poison trees to get a better view. Turned out the trees only semi wilted and it now looks even worse. Karma!

    I could make up something a bit more scandalous than killing trees about Mitzi. Like that time she and MJ met behind the bike sheds

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  16. IDV! I've never fancied a girl howverydareyou!

    But I seem to recall hearing something about and a girl involving wine and satin sheets.

    Is SP actually a *GASP!* girl?

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  17. Oh, hai IDV!

    Pardon my tardiness, won't you?

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  18. You didn't hear this from me, but

    Piggy was one of the Teletubbies--you know which one!

    Kaz is a smuggler--hence the frequent trips to Spain.

    Kapitano is really a porn scout, specializing in Eastern European and Middle Eastern porn, with occasional fluffing duties.

    CP works as the Royal Danish Ballet men's tights checker.

    IDV is feared by the LDS for frequently despoiling a number of young Mormon missionaries.

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  19. Frobisher is really Muhammed Al Foucalt von Braun. He's half Arab, half French and half German.

    Tazzy is really Piggy and Piggy is really Tazzy.

    Old Knudsen is actually young, attractive and not miserable at all. But still can't get any shags on account of his old medical problem.

    CyberPete is also known as Mystic Maggie the Magnificent Medium, who writes all the horrorscopes in Canadian newspapers.

    (That's why MJ's horoscope always says, "They're going to find out one day".)

    IVD isn't really inexplicable.

    Kevin The Lisp doesn't actually lisp. In fact he's a butch tatooed buider who can bend an iron bar with his tongue.

    Eroswings is really Mel Gibson in disguise.

    MJ is secretly a man. Worse than that...a straight man!

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  20. Pffft... Pete reckons he's never fancied girls! So what was he doing with his hand up my skirt at the last Infomaniac party?
    Sx

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  21. Well there was thing in the kitchen at café C with Scarlet and Beast.
    But I suppose you heard about that from Mr Frobisher.
    How on earth did Euroswings know that about the smuggling?

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  22. KEVIN: So you CLAIM!

    Well, since YOU’RE in Toronto, obviously you’re the bicycle thief!

    IVD: Ooh, secrets! Well, I'm not one to gossip, as you know, but I have a certain tidbit of knowledge that I think you'll find interesting:
    'Petra has fancied a girl!
    Admittedly, she was a really butch lesbo and looked like a boy, but still.
    Oh, and those aren't Frobisher's recipes at all! He gets them from Womans Weekly!


    Must erase image of CyberPoof with a girl!

    I wouldn’t let him anywhere near MY Secret Lady Place!

    You’re right about Frobisher getting his recipes from Womans Weekly… but the meatloaf recipe is his own!

    CYBERPOOF: IDV! I've never fancied a girl howverydareyou!
    But I seem to recall hearing something about and a girl involving wine and satin sheets.
    Is SP actually a *GASP!* girl?


    Just as I’m revolted by the thought of you with a woman, I’m begging you not to make me imagine IVD with his stinger in a lady.

    EROS: You didn't hear this from me, but
    Piggy was one of the Teletubbies--you know which one!
    Kaz is a smuggler--hence the frequent trips to Spain.
    Kapitano is really a porn scout, specializing in Eastern European and Middle Eastern porn, with occasional fluffing duties.
    CP works as the Royal Danish Ballet men's tights checker.
    IDV is feared by the LDS for frequently despoiling a number of young Mormon missionaries.


    All true!

    There’s no disputing any of these.

    Is it true, as Kapi says, that you’re really Mel Gibson?

    KAPI: Frobisher is really Muhammed Al Foucalt von Braun. He's half Arab, half French and half German.
    Tazzy is really Piggy and Piggy is really Tazzy.
    Old Knudsen is actually young, attractive and not miserable at all. But still can't get any shags on account of his old medical problem.
    CyberPete is also known as Mystic Maggie the Magnificent Medium, who writes all the horrorscopes in Canadian newspapers.
    (That's why MJ's horoscope always says, "They're going to find out one day".)
    IVD isn't really inexplicable.
    Kevin The Lisp doesn't actually lisp. In fact he's a butch tatooed buider who can bend an iron bar with his tongue.
    Eroswings is really Mel Gibson in disguise.
    MJ is secretly a man. Worse than that...a straight man!


    Which half of Mr. Frobisher is male?

    As for Piggy and Tazzy, I think they’re the same person in one impish little ginger Pygmy package.

    IVD desperately wants us to believe he’s inexplicable so don’t break the spell.

    Do you fancy Kevin?

    Just because I’d let you suck my cock if had one, doesn’t make me a man!

    SCARLET: Pffft... Pete reckons he's never fancied girls! So what was he doing with his hand up my skirt at the last Infomaniac party?

    Trying to remove your panties so HE could wear them, of course!

    KAZ: Well there was thing in the kitchen at café C with Scarlet and Beast.
    But I suppose you heard about that from Mr Frobisher.
    How on earth did Euroswings know that about the smuggling?


    Is that why Beast always claims to be exhausted?

    Could you do a little cross-border shopping for me?

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  23. secrets? who has secrets these days with facebook, twitter, IM, SMS, etc? i mean, far be it from me, to discuss the after party that occurred after the last get together here? i mean, i wasn't the one leaving with panties over my head, was i eroswings? *snickering* xoxoxo

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  24. "And the sistah is a mistah
    from a sex-change in Spain ..."

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  25. FROBI: Womans Weekly????

    Pay special attention to this issue as Judy Dench shows you how to be stylish at ANY age.

    You really could use a makeover, darling.

    Well somebody had to tell you!

    SAVANNAH: secrets? who has secrets these days with facebook, twitter, IM, SMS, etc? i mean, far be it from me, to discuss the after party that occurred after the last get together here? i mean, i wasn't the one leaving with panties over my head, was i eroswings? *snickering*

    Who can forget the panties hanging from the chandelier?

    Teehee.

    XL: Do You Want To Know A Secret?

    The very song that inspired this post!

    I was listening to it just the other night.

    MAGO: "And the sistah is a mistah
    from a sex-change in Spain ..."


    Dude Looks Like A Lady.

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  26. Kaz is Margaret Thatcher's cousin and supports Chelsea...
    *Runs like hell* Again.
    Sx

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  27. With the clean and humble path that I walk, I doubt anyone has any gossip on me!

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  28. ...Micheal Rivers is the secret love child of Liberace and Bobby Crush...
    *Does the running thing* I have lost 4lbs since yesterday...
    Sx

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  29. SCARLET: Kaz is Margaret Thatcher's cousin and supports Chelsea...
    *Runs like hell* Again.


    Low blow, Miss Scarlet.

    KAZ will thump you with her vodka bottle.

    Have you noticed Mr. Beastie has not dared show his face yet?

    MICHAEL RIVERS: With the clean and humble path that I walk, I doubt anyone has any gossip on me!

    See comment below you from Miss Scarlet!

    SCARLET: ...Micheal Rivers is the secret love child of Liberace and Bobby Crush...
    *Does the running thing* I have lost 4lbs since yesterday...


    AND he wears ladeez undergarments!

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  30. As a Canadian I cannot ev-ver tell a lie, gossip, or reveal secrets about our plans to take over the United States when they declare bankruptcy next February.

    We are going to ship them all off somewhere because we like to have lots of land with nobody in it so that it costs a fortune to fly, phone or drive to visit friends.

    Actually we might trade them for Australians because despite what the Yanks think, Aussies are more like us than they are.

    Just sayin'.

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  31. The Russian Navy have applied for an International restraining order against IVD covering any port in the world while the fleet is at anchor.
    Piggy is a part time Go Go dancer at the Ginger Minge Review Bar in Doncaster.
    Miss Scarlet has an unrational fear of carthorses.
    Frobisher pads his underpants with rolled up socks.
    Cyber Pete is really a consortium of bearded Lesbians hoping to lure fashionista's to a sticky end (ooher)
    Eros enjoys being pelted with donuts while in the shower
    Miss MJ has a secret pair of crocs she wears during 'special' nights in

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  32. DONN: As a Canadian I cannot ev-ver tell a lie, gossip, or reveal secrets about our plans to take over the United States when they declare bankruptcy next February.
    We are going to ship them all off somewhere because we like to have lots of land with nobody in it so that it costs a fortune to fly, phone or drive to visit friends.
    Actually we might trade them for Australians because despite what the Yanks think, Aussies are more like us than they are.
    Just sayin'.


    I say we evict the Welsh and give Wales to the Yanks.

    BEAST: The Russian Navy have applied for an International restraining order against IVD covering any port in the world while the fleet is at anchor.
    Piggy is a part time Go Go dancer at the Ginger Minge Review Bar in Doncaster.
    Miss Scarlet has an unrational fear of carthorses.
    Frobisher pads his underpants with rolled up socks.
    Cyber Pete is really a consortium of bearded Lesbians hoping to lure fashionista's to a sticky end (ooher)
    Eros enjoys being pelted with donuts while in the shower
    Miss MJ has a secret pair of crocs she wears during 'special' nights in


    *strangles Beast with a pair of his own tights for knowing too much*

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  33. Let me tell you'd be surprised what Miss Scarlet has tugged away in her pants

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  34. Pure Poppycock Pete!

    Scarls and ______ were only having a cuppa and whilst _ was twirling __ sugar, __ hand inadvertently flew off and landed in an improbable location.

    _ prolly lost _ grip because of shrinkage brought on by the cold damp climate?

    why were you staring in the bloody window anyway?

    D'oh!

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  35. CYBERPOOF & DONN: It’s no secret that you two fellas have a crush on each other so stop beating around Miss Scarlet's bush.

    *cues violins*

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  36. AND Monsieur CyperPete...
    a little "birdie" told me that the real reason you have not forwarded the Freakin Green Elf Shorts to moi, is that you seem to have "misplaced" them whilst attending a GALA event held in your honour at the Danish Embassy on your trip to San Francisco.

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  37. DONN: Would you like me to hold him down and slap him for you?

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  38. Scarlet Blue has a 22 inch waist and 48 inch bosom - she doesnt brag because she doesn't want to be inundated by stalkers.

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  39. Well, you mustn't breathe a word, NOT A WORD, since this is just between us girls, but I think I heard that Mean Dirty Pirate (aka ayem8y) is a frequent anonymous contributor to embarrassingpantiestains.com

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  40. Is it ok if Donnnn holds me down and slaps me himself?

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  41. EMMA: Scarlet Blue has a 22 inch waist and 48 inch bosom - she doesnt brag because she doesn't want to be inundated by stalkers.

    I’ve seen Miss Scarlet put those water wings to good use in flooding season.

    MR. PEENEE: Well, you mustn't breathe a word, NOT A WORD, since this is just between us girls, but I think I heard that Mean Dirty Pirate (aka ayem8y) is a frequent anonymous contributor to embarrassingpantiestains.com

    Damn!

    That means he hasn’t been using the Bottom Buddy I sent him for his birthday!

    CYBERPOOF: Is it ok if Donnnn holds me down and slaps me himself?

    As long as SOMEBODY slaps you!

    Send Donn the The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts for fuck’s sake!

    *counts to ten and takes deep breaths*

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  42. I spy an Infomanic wedding! Pete Coppens has a certain ring to it.
    *Claps hands like an over excited seal*
    ...EmmaK is J.K Rowling and does a bit of blogging to get away from her hoardes of fans....
    Sx

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  43. As long as it's platinum with a big clear diamond I'm happy.

    That's all

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  44. Rumour has it that Donnie Mell Cyber, the bearded beard, will come out with his new smash-hit: "Pete, be my mousie" right before Christmas!

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  45. CYBERPOOF, SCARLET & MAGO: But what will I wear to the wedding?

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  46. Sugar tits!

    *Grabs panties off chandelier to wear as a hat to keep warm and goes off on a drinking binge*

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  47. I once set fire to a squirrel. Well, when I say squirrel I mean a bushy beehive. Except it wasn't a beehive, it was just a load of backcombed and hairsprayed hair set within a scaffold of chopsticks. Made mostly of hair. On a girl's head.
    Still, everyone thought the new assymetrical bob she had to get as a result looked very nice. It did smell slightly of burnt hair though.

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  48. EROS: Sugar tits!
    *Grabs panties off chandelier to wear as a hat to keep warm and goes off on a drinking binge*


    Considering they’re crotchless, there’s not much keeping you warm.

    NOT TWITTER: I once set fire to a squirrel. Well, when I say squirrel I mean a bushy beehive. Except it wasn't a beehive, it was just a load of backcombed and hairsprayed hair set within a scaffold of chopsticks. Made mostly of hair. On a girl's head.
    Still, everyone thought the new assymetrical bob she had to get as a result looked very nice. It did smell slightly of burnt hair though.


    One sometimes has to suffer for beauty.

    She was burning a hole in the ozone layer anyway.

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  49. Well, I have it on good authority that Peenee is, shall I say, "easy"...
    AND he steals paper clips from the office.

    (The two are surely connected in some twisted way)

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  50. The Pigster overdosed on Haggis, black pudding, inflatable women, and malt whisky when he was 12.

    He's been in therapy ever since.

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  51. With the clean and humble path that I walk, I doubt anyone has any gossip on me!

    No secret. Mr Rivers would do it with Marky Mark. Even I'd have to get drunk to lick out that twat.

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  52. JASON: Well, I have it on good authority that Peenee is, shall I say, "easy"...
    AND he steals paper clips from the office.
    (The two are surely connected in some twisted way)


    Did you catch Peenee coming out of the stationery closet?

    GARFY: The Pigster overdosed on Haggis, black pudding, inflatable women, and malt whisky when he was 12.
    He's been in therapy ever since.


    I only know that he’s a chronic masturbator.

    NATIONS: ....I'm welsh.

    Yeah and I’m Catherine Zeta Jones.

    KAPI: With the clean and humble path that I walk, I doubt anyone has any gossip on me!
    No secret. Mr Rivers would do it with Marky Mark. Even I'd have to get drunk to lick out that twat.


    And THAT’S sayin’ something!

    Did you notice I didn’t comment on Michael’s ‘Marky Mark’ post?...

    I was THAT shocked!

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  53. Damn I always miss out on all the gossip!

    Like I hadn’t heard that ayem8y was a frequent contributor on embarrassingpantiestains.com. I always suspected he was a frequent contributor on feltch.com and dontwipeyourdickonmycurtains.com and thatwassofiveminutesago.com but embarrassingpantiestains.com? Never.

    BTW...I heard that Mr. Peenee has been seen about town in the company of a certain Mr. Stephan Haines...um hum...sporting jungle red nails...mmm hmmm...my stars...and that Mr. Peenee is a notorious homosexual and Helen Lawson impersonator who takes pills, swills booze and smokes dope...mmm hmmm.

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  54. AYEM8Y: Damn I always miss out on all the gossip!
    Like I hadn’t heard that ayem8y was a frequent contributor on embarrassingpantiestains.com. I always suspected he was a frequent contributor on feltch.com and dontwipeyourdickonmycurtains.com and thatwassofiveminutesago.com but embarrassingpantiestains.com? Never.
    BTW...I heard that Mr. Peenee has been seen about town in the company of a certain Mr. Stephan Haines...um hum...sporting jungle red nails...mmm hmmm...my stars...and that Mr. Peenee is a notorious homosexual and Helen Lawson impersonator who takes pills, swills booze and smokes dope...mmm hmmm.


    Despite his impressively large penis and comely buttchops, Peenee’s a filthy vodka-swilling, pill-popping hoor with garlic breath.

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  55. Pete, accept the fact that it's over between us. It wasn't the "slut" bit I objected to, but "Cheap!" that's going too far.

    It's true MJ when queens get sexually frustrated they spit poison all over the place.

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  56. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  57. MITZI: Pete, accept the fact that it's over between us. It wasn't the "slut" bit I objected to, but "Cheap!" that's going too far.
    It's true MJ when queens get sexually frustrated they spit poison all over the place.


    Not to mention the wig-pulling.

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