Monday, April 05, 2010

Voting Day – How Not To Decorate Competition

It’s like a garage sale gone wrong in here!

You bitches have hauled out your fugliest furnishings, appalling accessories and deformed decorations.

How to Vote:

You’ve got all day Monday and Tuesday to cast your vote.

Simply select your choice for the most hideous display of dreadful décor.

Only one vote per person, please. But feel free to comment on any and all entries.

No, you can’t vote for yourself. (I had to put that in as a reminder for CyberPete).

The name of the blogger is above each photo.

In cases of multiple entries by the same blogger, we’ve numbered their entries.

Below each photo is a description of the item, in the blogger’s own words.

Et voila! Consider each entry carefully and then cast your votes, bitches!


I've had this Lava Lamp for a very long time. Over the years it has slowly lost its potency. Sadly, this is as much performance as it can manage these days. It used to grow much larger and spew magnificently. But not anymore. Friends have tried to comfort me about its condition, saying "This happens all the time. It's temporary. Nothing to worry about. It's normal." I find no solace in their words. Its flaccid state is a grim reminder of better days gone by.


I love my duck. His name is William. I think he demonstrates that I have wonderful taste in interiors.


Bowler's decanter. It is undusted and made of plastic to boot! Notice the loverly plastic base molded to resemble fine wood grain! The "glasses" are plastic but the decanter is glass and is much too small to hold enough liquor to satisfy La Diva let alone six thirsty guests. Yet, it still sits on my speaker next to my tv and buffet. A nod to my tacky ass Midwestern roots!
It was a gift from my friend from my "club" days in Detroit in the early '80's though he only gave it to me a few years ago. He has exquisite taste in vintage and has bought me a number of incredible items that are flawless. Yet, he sent me this. I asked my husband if we could hide it and he said "NO." Don't know why. We don't use it, it's ugly, does not match a thing and naturally, I don't dust it but once in a while! haha!


Picked up years ago at a Paris flea market. "Poubelle" means garbage, so i suppose this was meant to hold the gnawed chicken bones on the dinner table.


The Empress attended a royal gala dinner at "Bucking Huge" Palace with "Miss Betty Dress Nice" and this candelabra arrangement was part of the formal decoration for the event.

Knowing the Empress's adoration for Her and given Mother's continual harping on all evening about "Miss Betty beauty flowers," "Miss Betty Dress Nice" kindly presented it to her to take home as a gift (and mainly to shut her up). So, I'm afraid that we are unable to part with it given its very "Royal" origins.


This is a desk top pen holder given to me by one of my friendly friut flys.


Although I actually think this room (our downstairs powder room) is spectacularly successful, a number of our friends seem stunned by it.


37 years old....seriously I am 37 years old.


I am submitting a lamp that was purchased by my parents at a charity shop in Niagara Falls, NY in 1966. I've never been able to quite decide: was it someones misguided project in a high school metal shop class, or is it some brilliant piece of 1930's avant garde art?

The original shade was a plain beige. I added this one a few years back. Swanky, no?


I scoured Castle DeVice for but a scrap of bad taste with no luck. Then, suddenly, inspiration hit! The lofts and attics and turrets - No one had been up in the rafters in years! Perhaps there I would find the most elusive of tasteless decors?

Arming myself with the latest in electrified daguerreotype photographic equipment, I ascended the stairs and slowly opened the hatch...


My eyes were assaulted by ghastly stencilled boarders! It took all my nerves and composure not to recoil in horror and plummet to my doom.

Steeling myselves, I managed to photograph the offending images before hurrying back down the steps and cracking open the smelling salts.

Needless to say, now that they've been discovered, those boarders will soon be eliminated!


As promised, Carmen's Red lamp. I hope it doesn't cause you too much distress. Gander at the woodchip wallpaper. It's what the previous owners had all through the house. Can you believe that? And Carmen likes it!


In my computer room is my collection of Harrod's Teddy bears, Joy, Teddy and Babs (named after the Beverley Sisters).


And the third one is taken just above my bed. See the picture of the boys in a boat? The flash is just for you.


I'm not sure I can offer you anything hideous. A little eccentric, maybe.

The first photo is of a wall mounted installation of three gold painted cowbells...with a hooter on top.

The dangling cowbells and their metal wall fixing were, for some bizarre reason, a Christmas gift from one of my uncles. My father spent a weekend painting them with some leftover gold paint and fixing them to a wooden shield mounting which...appeared from somewhere.

The brass hooter is of the kind which was attached to cars a century ago - before we got horns operated from the steering wheel. This was a different gift on a different Christmas from a different uncle.

Ah, but that gold paint. what was it left over from? Years before, dad had had the idea of painting the ceiling fixtures gold...and sky blue. With red bits. So he spent a week up a ladder very carefully painting bits of the ceiling with a tiny brush. Fortunately, I couldn't photograph the result because it's almost permanently in shadow.


As for the, um, sign. Dad is a railway enthusiast. And it's the nameplate of an old steam locomotive - and not, as you were probably thinking, the house name of a dyslexic sex maniac. Though it probably should have been.

The panelling and lamps are more of dad's DIY work.

This is the house I grew up in. I'm sure it had no effect on my psychology at all.


Beast has been a busy boy and not had much chance to do anything other than work and sleep . Regretably, I have missed competitions and not got round anyones blogs . By way of making amends, I have knocked up a foil hat(For IVD) and mashed it up with a tasteless household object(For MJ) , and that my dear readers is the best I can do for the next few days . So here we go.


I always include a few plants such as these!


Avast me hearties! Please consider this pirate-furniture as my entry into your contest. The set also includes a matching sofa & coffee table. I just couldn't bring myself to put them all together.


I had a hard time searching for a suitable entry. Luckily, I still had my collection of fast food, gas station, and amusement park cups in one of my cupboards--Everything from Taco Bell to Circle K gas stations!

This monkey water bottle is the jewel of my plastic, large gulp cups collection! Purchased at the San Antonio Zoo during a hot summer day, I've used this monkey cup frequently on long drives and on hot days when I'm outside. My friends think it's hideous and wrong to suck liquid out of a monkey head, but I find it perfect for containing cold cocktails and you don't have to worry about spills if you accidentally (or drunkenly) knock it over!


Monkeys are sort of a totem around here. This lamp was a gift from a friend to join the collection of monkeys already residing here. What can i say? There's a carved monkey lamp in the library, but this one sits on the kitchen counter next to the phone, (geddit?) hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.


My amputated monkey. Gift from mother in law - as is.


This first one is a painting by a local artist that used to live next to my
aunt and uncle. My parents bought 6 paintings by this painter and this is
one of them. It hung in my parents living room for 25 years until it was
relocated to my living room last year. I needed something big, "red" and
free to put on the wall and my mother didn't hesitate to pull it off the
wall and make my father hang it in my flat. It's only on loan according to
my father, and the only reason it's still here is that I can't afford to buy
the perfect painting at the moment.


A massive Tweety Bird.

I made the mistake of telling my best friend back in '98 that Tweety Bird is
my favorite Looney Toon character, and on one of his many trips to France he
found this monstrosity. Because he adores me so, and because he is such a
lovely guy with the biggest heart evah, he dragged this thing back with him.
I cherish it, and I just have too much heart to get rid of it. Been thinking
about putting it in basement.


The third item is a red tree horse. I've been looking for the name of this
atrocity but can't find it. I did find out that it's a Danish souvenir horse
but I'm sure it has a proper name.

Anyway, this belonged to my late brother. When he passed I stole two things.
A red shirt with a massive gold glitter panther on the front, and this red
wooden horse. I don't know why I took the horse, but I've grown to like it a
lot. Even if it isn't very pretty.


This item is so very late 80s. Everyone had these back then. I'm finding it
quite hideous but at the time I quite liked this ceramic man. Who knows why.
I bought it on a summer holiday at a fair in a small town called Assens
(tee-hee!) with my parents when I was 10. I'm just happy I have grown into
my impeccable style now.


I made this myself in a ceramics class. The woman who ran it was being a
bitch about other people doing uninspired vases and ashtrays, so I started
creating a spider. Just for kicks. She then came over to me and told me that
it wouldn't survive the oven, so in a hissy fit I took a rolling pin and
smashed it. Then I asked if it would now. She said it might, and so I used a
special glaze on it and the miracle of miracles it did survive the oven.

Actually it's the only thing I've ever made out of clay that I actually
like. Yet, people always tell me how ugly it is. So here it is!


That’s the lot, bitches!

Take your time before casting your vote.

You’ve got all day Monday and Tuesday to make your choice.

The winner will be announced sometime (non-committal) later this week.

In the meantime, Mistress MJ will be busy Febrezing this blog.


  1. I'm going to have to vote for Princess's number 1 from Bucking Huge Palace (number 2 I kind of want...same with at least half of the others)

  2. I'm not voting yet.... but Pete no.4...?
    This item is so very late 80s. Everyone had these back then.

    No Pete.... not everyone had one of these!!! What is it? Is it some kind of lucky charm....?

  3. I vote for Miss Scarlet's Willie.

    Oh Hai Miss Scarlet!

  4. Good morning Mr XL!!!
    Have you tried leaving the lava lamp on for 24hrs... cos mine went all limp but I found that making it very hot got it going again.

  5. It's simply too much! I must recline.

  6. *gingerly steps over Thombeau and continues Febrezing*

  7. Ohhh...

    * shudders *


    I'll have to pop back later when my stomach can take it, but I'm considering voting for Mitzi's curtains in picture 2.

  8. XL's Lava Lamp - pfft. I have a lava lamp. Well, half of one. And it's pink.

    Miss Scarlet's Duck - from the whispy mad scientist hair to the anatomically impossible feet, and back up to the indecipherable facial expression...yes, it is horrid.

    Not just horrible, horrid.

    La Diva Cucina's Massive Ball - kitsch on the outside, amazingly kitsch on the inside.

    Nordadesmond's Poubelle - it's twee, it's cheap, it's probably completely pointless...but it doesn't make me cringe.

    Princess's cCandelabra - what, you mean you really are a princess?!

    Princess's sodomised hippo. I'd just like to say that again. Princess's Sodomised Hippo. At least I think it's a hippo. And it's wearing dark glasses.

    Mr Peenee's Plates - it's psyhotic...but it's also rather nicely done. Even artful. So I don't think it's really an example of how not to decorate.

    Just one question. How did you manage to take a photo of yourself taking a photo? Unless there was a strange man in the room coincidentally also taking a photo.

    Oh, and why do you have a black bathroom?

  9. Manuel's Toys - The world is full of men in their thirties who have crap stuff from their childhood...but they think all the other men in their thirties grew out of it years ago. Well, we didn't.

    Felix's Lamp - It's certainly garish. It's certainly overengineered in a Brunel sort of way. But it's not as tasteless as the curtain behind it.

    IVD's Borders - Is that the most tasteless thing you could find in your home?! And us, having been led by Mistress MJ to believe you're so a queeny poof?

    They're pretty bad, but only in a Ted Moult way. I think you're secretly straight! And butch and manly and...straight! And I won't believe otherwise till I've personally sucked your cock in a frilly pink toilet stall!


    Mizi's Lamp - It manages to be both revolting and incredibly boring at the same time. A bit like a 70s gameshow.

    Mizi's Bears - Nah, they're not horrible. They're quite...sweet.

    Mizi's Picture - submitted the picture, but not the frame?! The frame's both painfully generic and offensive. And you didn't submit those plates nailed to the wall?!

    Beast's...Thing - Every part is indeed beastly. But they don't come together into a grotesque whole. It's lacks...cohesion.

    And I can say that 'cos I've got an art degree. So there.

    Mutley's Plants - The cactus is okay but...the pot? That's the bad thing.

  10. Kabuki's Chairs - Are your my great grandmother?

    Eros's Monkey - It is horrible and wrong, but it could have been so much more wrong. The yellow could be brighter, the straw bendier, the tiger could have even more teeth....

    Savanah's Monkey - My granny would have loved this. She'd have thought this was the height of middle class sophistication. The gold, the wood, the completely irrelevant monkey motif, the tassles.

    The very definition of opulence on the cheap. Nice.

    Jill's Monkey - Was your mother in law threatening to break your legs? Is that why you've got a shelf of medical books?

    Cyberpete's Red Thing - It's a kind of still life cubist hybrid. It's tacky, it's talentless, but it's not offensive.

    Cyberpete's Tweety - Are we allowed to send pics of out tweeties to MJ? Oh well. It's very touristy, and the feet are enormous but serve no function at all.

    But we knew it wasn't you bought it. The collected Douglas Adams on the shelf shows you've got better taste.

    Cyberpete's Horse - On the other hand....

    Cyberpete's Man - I always wondered what kind of man you were keeping around the house. Now I know.

    Cyberpete's Spider - You've made a Shadow Vessel!

    I'm going to vote for...Kabuki Zero, and her gutwrenchingly tasteless chairs. Because they're the only item that I couldn't have in the house and justify them as 'ironic'.

  11. I'm not voting yet, but I am answering Miss Scarlets question or statement more like. First however I must give props to Miss Savannahs monkey lamp. It reminds me of this fabulous quote from Gilmore Girls by Kelly Bishop:

    'You exchanged my Baccarat candlesticks for a leering, slightly pornographic monkey lamp?'

    I felt it was in the right spirit of the occasion.

    Miss Scarlet: It's a approx. 25 cm tall ceramic man in an ugly outfit with a hideous moustache. I'm sure everyone around here had one back then. He is almost my William (he looks hilarious, I can't remember when I last laughed so hard).

  12. I've mistakenly arrived on a "Monkey appreciation Blog"!

    What a lovely selection of decorative ideas to choose from...

    This will be a very difficult assignment MJ...

    Mr Peenee has assisted greatly with inspirational decorating..

    I now have a perfect use the Empresses old silveware...

    *note to self, install downstairs powder room with silver service*

    CP Dharling regarding your 4th Entry "Everyone had these back then"
    No. No. No.

    I have searched high and low and i'm sorry but I'm with Miss Scarlet on this one...
    Tho if i do find one laying around i will forward it to you, as he looks quite lonely without a partner...

    i shall require some time to ponder, scrutinise and process these entries, and Copious amounts of Achohol before casting my vote...

  13. Mr Xl,
    Could your beautiful Lava Lamp require more lubrication perchance?
    And i love that you have been purchasing "Australian Made"

  14. The monkey section is horrific.

    I think the monkey lamp wins.

  15. @ Miss Scarlet: Thank you for the tip! I will try to revive it that way.

    @ Princess: Well spotted! The tag is from a Geelong Cats shirt!

  16. I must say, Miss Kabuki has gone very minmalist with her lampshade...

    Dear Mr Kapitano,
    Regarding "Princess's Sodomised Hippo"
    I will have you know that it is not a "Hippo" but a desk ornament in the shape of a gentleman with a very large nose.
    When it is "Sodomised" to use your term, via a pencil/pen being inserted in the holder, the head lifts up and down and starts making comments like "oooh that feels good", "Ohhhh yeah baby" and then continues to reach a creshendo of rapturous moans groans,then whilst the whole thing starts to vibrate, the head stays lifted as it lets out a long howl like a wolf... All movement and noise stops and the head falls back to the original position as photographed.

    Tasteful in the extreme!

    I just wish i could work out how to record a clip and post it for all to not only see, but, hear it in action!

    Oh and by the way, I do like the look of that cowbell and horn contraption of yours...

    Mr Eros your Sipper cup is far too cute to be Kitch.

    I'm off to reflect upon the Monkey's and Duck for a wile...

  17. Miss Scarlet's "William the Duck" is one of the most hideous things I've ever seen. Everything else seems pretty cool to me, lol !

    For the record, I'd LOVE to have La Diva Cucina's Bowler's Decanter, LMAO !!

  18. I'm so very sorry for this Princess, but my vote has to go to

    Princess #1

    It's one of the most hideous contraptions I've ever seen darling. I hope you'll forgive me for declaring this hideousity one of the most atrocious things I've ever seen.


    To make you feel better, the Bowling Ball drinks holder isn't much better.

  19. What a smorgasbord of interest we have here. This is going to be difficult. I'm quite fond of Felix's lampshade (not the lamp) it reminds me of an acid trip I once had on Iikley Moor back in the 80s.

    I would like to see more of Princess's parlour I bet it's like an aladdins cave of heirloom quality collectables in there, enchanting porcelain dolls in whimsical situations clutching their muffs etc.

    Scarlet's Duck, I'm not fond of "Cutie" ornaments, if fact, they make me feel quite bilious.

    Kabuki Zero's suite is like something the prisoners in Prisoner Cell Block H would have in their recreation room.

    Mutley The Dog's floral tribute is quite nice. For an amusing touch, attach a packet of king-size Rizlas to the pot with a lazzy band.

    Savannah's Monkey lamp gets my vote. No offence sausage, I just don't like monkeys, they give me the willies.

  20. You bitches are cracking me up!

    *recommences Febrezing and awaits Kapitano/IVD cock-sucking session in frilly pink toilet stall*

  21. la diva cucina: absolutely hideous.

    princess#1: revolting.

    peenee: why not wrap the toilet with reynold's wrap? all aluminum, all the time.

    felix: well at least you had the good sense to post this abortion on someone else's blog!

    kabuki: oh my dearest, YOU WIN! *******

    savannah: hideous, yes, but overtly so.

  22. I vote for Miss Scarlet's William the duck its honestly the cutest thing I've ever seen! I love it

    and as an interior designer I absolutely love Felix's lamp, I would like to buy it off him and can pay in cake. It is very swanky!

  23. @ Kapi: Straight? Take that back!

    As to your deal, can you get us into Barbara Cartland's toilet as I simply won't stoop to Barbie's?

  24. it's a tossup between xl's lava lamp poot and kabuki's living room suite...i'll cast my final vote later, sugarpies! i must consult the monkeys first! ;~D xoxoxo

  25. All of it looks like the tail end of a not very nice garage sale, but I vote for Kabuki's suite. It takes real commitment to live with such complete hideousness. Although Savannah's monkey almost won my heart. It is, as Kapitano said, opulence on the cheap. Exactly.

  26. Jayzus ,........
    If I had any taste this post woud make me cry
    I am cogitating on this little lot a while longer

  27. @Peenee: Happy birthday, gurl!

    *notices arrival of Beast and goes for industrial-size Febreze container*

  28. Eek! Certainly one bitch's trash is another bitch's treasure, so much crappity-crap to choose from!

    Off the bat, La Diva finds these items the most repulsive and deserving of fine design scorn:

    * Princess' submissive penholder AND candelabra, which I think would look divine on a pink fluffy fur covered toilet with one of those crocheted Barbie doll toilet roll holders. (Right?!)

    * Mitzi's frame, "art" AND plates!


    * Kabuki Zero's furniture. Does it smell like ass? It looks like it does, sorry! :)

    and finally,

    Savannah's lamp (did you get that nastiness at a Tommy Bahama's Outlet store? Yikes.)

    Things I liked but I'm not sure why:

    Cyberpete's six legged ceramic spider and bad 60's-70's orange painting

    Jill's amputated monkey. It's dark and weird. I like it but would probably throw it out eventually!

    Mutley the Dog's mara-hootchy plant.

    I am going to send my kitschy Bowler's Decanter to Norma Desmond because I know he really covets it for his next poubelle.

  29. Dear Miss Mitzi,

    You are so astute! Ask the Empress to show you her "Muff and Dolly" display...
    She is extremely proud of her "little Peoples"...

    In the meantime, I've been haunted by low flying Monkeys and ducks all night..,Thanks to Manuel, Savannah, Jill, Eros and Scarlet's entries...

    I remain un decided. There are just too many "crap" objects to choose from and i love them all...

    Miss K's Pirate Suite V's CyberPetes "Man about the house"
    V's La Divas "Saturday Snatch" accoutriment...

    Oh I'm so confused...

  30. Oh... and Mr DeVice,

    This was a "How Not to Decorate" Competition
    It was not a "Dont Bother Decorating At All"! Compo

    Forgot to read the Instructions? Dhaarling really!...

  31. Oh Pete Dharrling,
    I found This to add to your collection.

  32. kabuki Zero. I could live with any of the other entries, but this one would be the end of the world as I know it. I'd rather eat it and die from choking on the polyester fabric and sawdust than own this furniture.

  33. PS. Mr. Peenee's pewter powder room is a close second. Pray for an earthquake- a turkey platter to the head whilst on the pot might shake some style sense into him!

  34. Wow! So much stuff! Where to begin?

    Let me just start by picking out the stuff that I would like to have in my place:

    I'll take XL's lava lamp! Lava lamps are mesmerizing and that green color is cool. I'll also take Felix's Technicolor lamp; it'll look great on end tables; so will Savannah's wise monkeys lamp! Those lamps are dazzling! Mitzi's red light district lamp will be perfect in the bedroom, to set the mood for those house of ill repute fantasies.

    I'll take CP's red horse statue. It looks great--colorful and lively and very artistic. I'd like La Diva's bowler's decanter. That decanter can hold vodka or Jack Daniel's and the small glasses are just the right size for making jello shots! I'll take Mutley's plants, too. All these items would make for a cool, retro pad!

  35. Now for the things that I find interesting.

    First off, Mr Peenee's metal museum. Wow! Fantastic! But I'd imagine it'd be hard to clean that place. All that polishing, not to mention people missing the bowl when they take a leak, because they're so distracted by so many shiny things! It certainly makes a statement. I think Kapi's golden cowbell horn would fit perfectly in the Peenee metal museum! If you run out of toilet paper, just honk the horn on the golden cowbell and help will come!

    CP, That green figure is a pimp! What were you doing as a ten year that made you want to buy a pimp? Noramdesmond's French garbage bowl. And here I thought Rachel Ray was the first to bring the garbage bowl to the masses! Leave it to the French to make things sound more romantic than they actually are. Is that a KY tube in the pail?

    I see Manuel's got Jesus and Obama on his shelf, proving that they really are two different people. I think that Beast's chickies and CP's Tweety are okay. But Mitzi, what the hell is that ugly doll in front of the white teddy bear? It looks like a crack whore troll doll! Kabuki, if the furniture is comfortable enough for the dog to sleep on, then surely it can't be that bad! Some new paint color and drapes ought to make the furniture pop! Mitzi's and CP's paintings, along with Kapi's wall art are fine. In fact, they'd look great on Kabuki's walls!

    But the most interesting thing I've seen is IDV's stenciled borders. Upon closer inspection, they're actually close up paintings of the glorious female vagina! See the dark bush on the top and the luscious thighs parting to reveal the beautiful, feminine flower? Such an inviting and stimulating masterpiece! Now that's art!

  36. And now for the things that I found truly horrendous!

    My gawd! Scarlet B's duck looks like it was hatched during a nuclear power plant meltdown! That poor thing looks like it's asking to be put out of its misery!

    And Jill, really, what did you do to piss off your mother in law? Were you involved in a mafia war with her, sending animal parts to each other as warnings? Was your marriage a way to bring peace to the feuding families? That poor amputated monkey is just sad!

    Oh my gawd, Princess! The Empress should've taken that fugly candelabra and shoved it up Miss Betty Dress Nice's rear and turn her into pen holder! That pen holder is truly atrocious and stunning at the same time! It's a fantastic piece! I think it's horrific and desirable at the same time!

    But my vote for the scariest and most horrendous piece goes to CP's octopussy! Good gawd! I'm not a big fan of spiders, especially venomous ones. If I woke up in the middle of the night and saw that thing on the side, I'd scream like a preteen girl at a Hannah Montana concert and then scramble away to make a quick escape! Hell, if I was awake and saw that thing, I'd still freak out! Congratulations on creating something so lifelike CP! That is one freaky piece!

  37. Princess, darling! It doesn't really go with my "pimp" as Bingowings dubbed the ceramic man. However props to anything/one that protects the wine.

    Bingowings, he really is a pimp isn't he? I like it. Had his coat been completely closed I would have taken him for a pervy flasher guy.

    I hate spiders but that thing was done to glorify the killing of spiders everywhere. If I met one like that alive I'd be more scared for my life than if I'd ended up in a Beyonce video. All those uncontrolled sudden movements. She's going to put someones eye out!

  38. I have made my descision

    I cast my vote for Miss Mitzi's #3 Over bed boys in boat painting, platters and kitchy ceramic blooms adorning the wall... just unspeakably fabulous dhaarling...

    And her flashy brassy knobs!

    Just delightful, the whole pic bought a touch of bile to the back of mt throat.... Princess applauds you

  39. in the end, i cast my vote for:

    miss scarlet and her duck


  40. I still haven't decided... but I am comforting William, poor thing.
    I think I will plump for Pete's little man... mainly because it came with the statement: Everyone had one of these in the eighties.
    I suppose he could use it on top of a wedding cake...?

  41. BITCHES: A reminder that today is your final day to vote!

  42. I've dithered back and forth, so much bad decor to choose from! But in the must be Kabuki Zero's college-reject plaid pirate furniture. AND the bloody lamp without a shade.

    Sorry darling.

  43. LA DIVA: You can choose only ONE so we are assuming your vote goes for kabuki.

  44. BITCHES: Mistress MJ is away all day so be sure to follow the rules and vote for only ONE.

    Thanking you in advance.

    We shall try to have the winner posted tomorrow.

  45. the horror! the horror!

    I like them all.

  46. I’ve been seriously evaluating all of the entries and decided to withhold my contestants of which I have at least ten winners in my entryway alone as to give everyone else a fair chance.

    I do so hate hogging all the contests.

    However I have sort of won with my post of my neighbor Crazy Curtis’s House, that the Mistress said, “Crazy Curtis wins my How Not To Decorate Contest. Hands down.”

    As a professional Interior Designer, educated, licensed and degreed, I really like Peenee’s Aluminum ware powder room. Although I would caution guests not to linger as I’m sure even short term exposure to this room will cause a sudden, instant, immediate and irreversible case of Alzheimer’s disease.

    Upon reflection most of the entries were not so bad except for one.


    The only way it could be worse is if it had featured the famous ‘Gristmill Pattern Upholstery’.

  47. My vote goes to Savannah's monkeys

  48. After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I have finally decided that my vote will be cast to La Diva's hideous bowling ball thingy.
    I was torn between that and Miss Scarlet's horrid duck, but the deciding factor was the black ash-looking surface that the bowling ball stands on.
    I thought black ash furniture was outlawed?

    Loving the lamps: Mitzi's red one and Felix's bizarro one!

    'Petra, your figurine is just awful. Truly awful. It's only because you've shown such good taste in the past that I didn't vote for it.

    Oh, and Eros: It is not art. It is sinful. And it is being covered up with white emulsion asap!

  49. i have never been so offended in my life. If all these items were placed in the same county I am sure it would call up Satan & his evil minions. I feel so bad for XL, he can have my two working lava lamps any day. I would vote for myself - but only because I forgot to mention that the pirate furniture is just plain uncomfortable. But without a doubt - if was Mr.Peenee's assemblage of accoutrements that rang my bell. If I had walked into that loo with my aluminum foil hat on - well, I fear for the universe. And rarely can bad taste scare me.

  50. IDV: My figurine? Do you mean my fabulous ceramic pimp?

    Everyone had one back in the 80s!

  51. and then the fur REALLY began to fly!!!!

  52. I think Mitzi two - horrible bookcase with teddies. Also. I have pissed myself laughing - so how about some free clothes? I am surprised by the suggestion that my plant could be smoked. You would get spikes in yer lips smoking s cactus...

  53. Hush you lot! Of course you had a ceramic pimp!

    Oh by the way, Mitzi is disturbing on so many levels. Wait, I mean her entries right?

  54. oH my....where does a discerning youngish waiter even start....

    but after literally a minute of deliberation....

    Kabuki Zero FTW!

  55. So many award worthy items (by the way Peenee, I happen to LOVE the WC) that my final selection kept changing all weekend. But ultimately, I have to go with 'toot suite, Kabuki'.

    The reason being, with most other items you can at least (do your best) to pretend that it's not there, but with all that ugly furniture, where your eyes gonna go?

    Congrats to everyone. Really hideous shit.

  56. XL, this stuck lava-thingie looks like something gone wrong in the mad scientist's lab, the abandoned blob.

    Why, Miss Scarlet, why?

    La Diva Cucina, I think one should not try to use these plastic "glasses" with something alcoholic, there may be toxic reactions.

    Norma Desmond - I refuse to put a garbage can on my table.

    Princess, these flowers on the candelabra arrangement, are purely artifical I hope. And I see you have a "Kleines Arschloch" pen holder, very tasteful, a special gift.

    Mr. Peenee, this room ... I could not use it. It would cure even strong diarrhoe.

    Say, Manuel, who cleans that shelf, like dusting and stuff?

    Felix in Hollywood, I think its from the thirties and over these constructions some textile was stretched.

    IVD - someone does tests in your house and you do not know?

    Mitzi, I like the red lamp, and a pair of teddies lives happily on my sofa. The picture of the lads encountering the old sea mine just makes me shiver, its from the departement store?

    Kapitano, your father is a man of iron, and iron will. My deepfelt sympathy, I hate DIY from the bottom of my heart.

    Nice hat, Beast, but I have no idea what this dog-shaped thing besides it means to be.

    Let it grow, Mutley, some greenery in a living room can give a nice touch. Be careful with number one.

    Kabuki. There is still sofa and coffee table to ad. This photograph gives me goosebumps. Not for joy. It is either the stage set for a terrible play about rotten communication or a crime scene.

    Eros - I like that monkey sucker. Its colourful, practical and cheerfully ugly.

    Savannah. Maybe it falls off the counter?

    Jill, I would burn that thing. Not throw away, burn. To be sure, you know.

    Pete ... are all these things in your appartement? At first sight I thought of the "spider" as some worm-thing. Does the pimp glow? This horse has a nice folkloristic touch with a little LSD added.

    My vote goes to La Diva Cucina's all plastic "Bowler's decanter".

    It has it all. It is all plastic, it has no real use, its ugly, it has the air of desparation, of "Gewollt und nicht gekonnt". Other items here have a function - even on Kabuki's rotten interieur one can sit! (and get an infection) - others are absolutely without, like that horrible pimp - put it in the garden, Pete, next to the Bambi.
    The warning about toxic reactions is serious, old plastics tent to strange reactions.

  57. Mago: I hate DIY from the bottom of my heart.

    There's one thing worse than DIY. And that's Prepackaged DIY. Do you have B&Q in America or Canada? Probably something similar, and I know you've got Ikea.

    Enormous warehouse shops that sell you all the parts of something domestic - so you can build it yourself, and get a warm glow that you designed and made it all yourself.

    Anyway, what's all this talk about a ceramic pump? And is it what I think it is? That would be an inexplicable device.

  58. BITCHES: This contest closes at 9:00 pm Pacific Time.

    Vote NOW if you haven’t already voted.

    The winner will be announced in a new post by midnight Pacific Time on Tuesday night, if not earlier.

    Early risers in the UK take note that we are 8 hours behind you.

  59. @IDV, Surely you wouldn't want to cover up the lovely vagina motif on your walls? They add color and visual interest to an otherwise empty space. It's like having your own priceless Georgia O'Keeffe painting!

  60. No such thing in FRANCONIA, Kapitano.

  61. @Mago:

    Meine Geographie ist schlimmer als mein Deutsch.

  62. @ Kapi: I've been called hard nosed before, but ceramic? Never!

  63. "Carmic", IVD, carmic :)