Filthy Friday – Talking/Singing Penis

Mistress MJ tripped over this photo on Old Knudsen’s blog …



We cannot be certain if it is a talking penis or a singing penis.

In any case, if your penis (or the penis of a loved one) could talk, what would it say?

And if it could sing, what tune would it choose?

Welcome Wagon

Mistress MJ would like to thank all the newcomers who delurked on Delurking Day.



We hope you’ll come again.

To make you new bitches feel more at home, we’re asking our regular readers to help out.

We’d like all regular Infomaniac bitches to write a brief description about yourselves in the comments section.

That will give our newcomers a better idea of who’s who.

Just remember, Infomaniac is not a dating service.

Note: Some Infomaniac bitches are exempt from this exercise as they are either ill (KAZ); on vacation (Miss Scarlet and Random Chick); on hiatus (First Nations); or have gone to the dark side, i.e. Facebook (Donn). In other words, half of my Blogroll. But the rest of you bitches have no excuse.

Delurking Day

Today is Delurking Day here on Infomaniac.

We know that some of you have been peering through the keyhole for some time now, watching the goings-on in silence but never leaving a comment.


[via Kapitano]

So all day today (and Wednesday) we here at Infomaniac ask you lurkers to come out from hiding behind the couch and join us …



Afterall, would it kill ya to comment?

Mistress MJ doesn't bite. Much.

You can tell us a little about yourselves if you like or tell us why you visit Infomaniac. Or just pop in with a “Hello, bitches.” Whatever you please.

And now for the rest of you …

Regular Infomaniac Bitches are encouraged to leave comments describing your first tentative steps onto Infomaniac and how you became an Infomaniac bitch.

Cocks in Frocks Competition

If you read yesterday’s post, you’ll know that Mistress MJ is asking the Men of Infomaniac to submit pics of themselves in drag.

And due to popular demand, we’re turning this into a drag contest!

So get busy submitting your drag photos, bitches!

Photos need not be current so search through your archives for those magic moments.

Sometime next week, we’ll post your photos and you’ll choose your favourite drag artiste and a prize will be awarded to the winner.

Now get your cock into a frock!

Cocks in Frocks

Attention Men of Infomaniac.

Mistress MJ recognizes that you’re all manly men. Except, of course, CyberPete. And IVD. And, well, … let’s get right to the point, shall we?



We know that despite your rugged masculinity, *cough*, many of you fellas like to dress up like laydeez from time to time.

You like nothing better than to throw on an evening gown, apply a bit of lipstick, adjust your wig, and accessorize with a pearl necklace.

Oh shut up. We’ve seen the pictures. We know.

So send us a photo (as many as you please) of yourself in drag.

It can be a current photo or one from days gone by.

Do it soon and we’ll post the results in the near future.

Note: Mistress MJ was inspired to ask for your drag photos after seeing a few of you dressed to the nines on another blog that shall remain nameless to prevent the hordes from rushing over thus spoiling the surprise element of the upcoming “big reveal”. You’ll thank me for the suspense later.

Supermarket Scum

Stop giving me evils!

Those cheeky Yorkshire poofs Tazzy and Piggy are fed up with the Yanks having everything and have decided to have some fun themselves, over in England.

And so Infomaniac introduces you to their new service – Supermarket Scum.


Barnsley locals

Here’s what Taz and Pig have to say about Supermarket Scum …

What is it? Well, think of it like the UK version of “People of Walmart”.

Most of us are aware of the American “People of Walmart” website – where images of their clientele are published in all of their gory detail. Well, it’s sadly true that here in Blighty we too suffer this curse – the dregs of society out filling trolleys with crap, dressed to the nines in their finest.

Supermarket Scum is a place to upload those pics you’ve secretly snapped on your mobile or camera of the chavs as they shop. A place to share and ridicule them. A place to let the Yanks know they’re not alone in having such eyesores to contend with in the aisles.

In particular, the chav-scum that visit places such as Asda, Netto and Lidl.

Join us on a journey into the unknown. Or submit any pics you’ve managed to take. Who knows, you might just spot someone you know.

If you’ve spotted a filthy chav out shopping, why not take a pic on your phone and send it to us?

Filthy Friday – Infomaniac House of Beauty Edition

Health and safety inspectors (pictured below) investigate conditions at the Infomaniac House of Beauty …


[thanks again, Kapitano]

Legal Proceedings

Legal Proceedings are underway regarding The Infomaniac House of Beauty versus The Mean Dirty Pirate Leprosarium.



Mistress MJ has been advised by her legal team not to talk about “matters under investigation”.

Infomaniac House of Beauty Closed

We regret to inform you that the Infomaniac House of Beauty is closed, pending further investigation due to a faulty electric face mask …



All clients will receive a full refund.

We regret any inconvenience this may cause and look forward to your patronage when we reopen for business.

Disclaimer: The Infomaniac House of Beauty is not responsible for allergic reactions, spotty skin appearance, burning sensations or unusual leakage following any treatments with our beautician Miss Scarlet.

Official Infomaniac Beautician

The Infomaniac House of Beauty has hired Miss Scarlet as Official Infomaniac Beautician.

Miss Scarlet’s most famous client is Miss Bubbles Devere (pictured below)…



As you can see, Miss Devere is a work in progress.

But never mind that.

Miss Scarlet is now accepting bookings from you, the Bitches of Infomaniac.

Treat yourself to one (or all!) of the following services:

Anal Bleaching (using Elizabethan Period arsenic)

Coffee Enema (guaranteed to “perk” you up!)

Bush Whacking (tames unruly bushes!)

Back, Sack and Crack Waxing

Stick of Butter Treatment (if you have to ask, you don’t want to know)

Super Detox Purification Total Energy Renewal Optimal Health Fat Flush Anti-Aging Miracle Cleanse Solution

“Happy Ending” Massage

And now we break for a word from our sponsor.

We here at the Infomaniac House of Beauty would like to introduce a fabulous new skin care product …

VELVA CREAM!


[via Normadesmond]

This is the magic potion that keeps our Normadesmond’s velva looking young and smooth.

Try it today!

Spa Day

Over at Jason’s place, Mr. Peenee suggested we get manis and pedis and get ourselves some updos.

The Infomaniac House of Beauty is happy to accommodate Mr. Peenee and his friends with a Spa Day.


Pictured above: Mr. Peenee has his nails polished, flanked by Normadesmond, Jason and Felix.


Let’s peek under the dryers, shall we? …


Felix: Well this kabuki zero is a friend of mine. He's really a terrible man-trap. He's got those eyes that run up and down a man like a searchlight.


Here we see manicurist Olga applying a coat of Jungle Red to the catty Ayem8y’s talons …


Oh, you remember the awful things they said about what's-her-name before she jumped out the window? There. You see? I can't even remember her name so who cares?


Meanwhile over at the tranquility bath, Ayem8y (left) and Miss kabuki zero exchange words …



There is a name for you, ladies, but it isn't used in high society... outside of a kennel.

And now we return to the lovely Peenee …

Et voilà! Mr. Peenee has been transformed! …


I've had two years to grow claws , Mother. Jungle Red!

So won’t the rest of you bitches join us for a Spa Day at the Infomaniac House of Beauty?

Oh, just one more thing …

Mr. Peenee asks …“Why doncha run down to the drive-through Daiquiri Barn and get us a couple of buckets?”

Well bitches? What are you waiting for? You heard the lady!

Dirty Laundry

A study reveals that half a million Brits wash their bed sheets only THREE TIMES A YEAR!

One in six people admit to waiting at least four weeks before washing their sheets.

A regional chart in this article shows that Londoners are the laziest. 24% said they left it at least a month between washes.

Half of all people surveyed admitted to eating in bed which makes it seem all the muckier, doesn’t it?

Hygiene expert Dr Lisa Ackerley says, "You need to wash your bed linen at least once a fortnight*, and preferably once a week."

So... How often do you wash your bed sheets? (All nationalities may confess).



*fortnight=14 days

Big Hair!

Mistress MJ has been invited by Ask the Cool Cookie to be a contributor to his new blog, The Hair Hall of Fame.

Along with Ask the Cool Cookie, Donna Lethal, Normadesmond, TJB and Jason, we bring you a salute to the best, the most, the most outrageous and the mostest in hair and hair style.

Consider it your mecca for vintage BIG HAIR pics!

Visit The Hair Hall of Fame today!

You’ll be glad you did.

It’s bouffant-abulous!

Filthy Friday

Welcome to the Infomaniac Waiting Room …


[thanks, Kapitano]

Well? What are you waiting for?

Eat At Infomaniac!

Welcome to the Infomaniac Cafeteria!




The special du jour is a surprise!





What's on the menu?


Note: Thanks to XL who brought the Infomaniac Cafeteria to our attention. Honestly, this place is so big that Mistress MJ hadn’t even noticed we had a cafeteria!

Group Hug

This isn’t the post that Mistress MJ planned to publish today but after reading about what Mr. Peenee is going through, I thought a group hug might be in order …


(click to enlarge)
[thanks, Donn]

Of course, this being Infomaniac, the group hug is likely to become a group grope but it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it?

Note: Thanks to “Little Pirate’s” owner for alerting us to Mr. Peenee’s situation.

UPDATE:

BITCHES: Thanks to everyone who’s commented here today.

At any given time, any of Infomaniac’s bitches may be dealing with adversity: suffering from illness or a broken heart or a broken spirit.

We here at Infomaniac wish we could wash it all away for you with one wave of a wand. Not IVD’s warty wand, of course, but a magic wand. A healing wand.

Aside from our virtual hugs and our positive thoughts, we shall continue to offer a daily dose of humour here on Infomaniac. Although whoever said "laughter is the best medicine" never had gonorrhea.

Our hearts go out to Mr. Peenee and his R Man.

And if there are any more of you who could use a healing touch, Mistress MJ blows you a kiss. Put it wherever you need it.

Infomaniac returns to its regular programming on Thursday.

Official Penis of Infomaniac

Ayem8y’s willy ("Little Pirate") has been declared the Official Penis of Infomaniac!


(click to enlarge)

Should anyone else feel that their willy deserves a position of recognition here at Infomaniac, please state your reasons and what role your penis will play.

In the meantime, feast your eyes once more on the Official Penis of Infomaniac.


(click to engorge)

Name That Willy!

Every willy should have it’s own special nickname.

And so we are gathered here today to give Ayem8y’s willy a name …


(clicking makes it grow!)


There is no prize for this contest, so don’t wet yourselves with excitement.

And while you’re here, tell us your weenie’s nickname! Or your lover’s weenie.


Note: All this is just a cheap ploy to post a photo of Ayem8y’s toolkit.

Send In The Clowns

The Joy of Underwear

Do your undergarments make you feel like this? …


[via]



[via]

Ayem8y’s Arse

Mistress MJ has a sudden, overwhelming urge to see Ayem8y’s arse …



We know you understand.

And have probably experienced the same desire yourselves.

Note: Filthy Friday post below.

Filthy Friday – How Not To Decorate Edition

No actual dangly bits are involved in this week's Filthy Friday and yet ...


(click to enlarge a teensy bit)

Thanks to the sauve and sophisticated (yet saucy) TJB of Stirred, Straight Up, With A Twist for this submission.

How Not To Decorate Afterparty

Grab your party hats, everyone!



Our Aussie friend Princess is hosting a How Not To Decorate Afterparty at the Palais!

And as a bonus you can play a fun “Tributes in Kitsch to the Bitches of Infomaniac” game while you’re there.

But wait! There’s more!

Remember this? …


kabuki zero’s winning entry in the How Not To Decorate Competition


Zip ‘round to visit our grand prize winner, kabuki zero as he reflects on his victory.


i fully intend to sleep in my crown


Princess and kabuki zero … two of the many Infomaniac Bitches who make our day.

Winner! – How Not To Decorate Competition

The lucky winner of the How Not To Decorate Competition will be taking home this set of “Why Do Dishes When You Can Do Daiquiris?” cocktail napkins …



From kitsch to crap. We had it all in this year’s How Not To Decorate Competition.

We knew you were all hoarding ugly mugs in your kitchen cupboards.

But we had no idea how much useless bric-a-brac you were hiding behind closed doors!

Mistress MJ feels like she’s running a thrift shop!

Such bad taste must be rewarded.

But only ONE bitch can walk away with the coveted cocktail napkins.

Drum roll please ……

The winner of the 2010 How Not To Decorate Competition is …



KABUKI ZERO!


kabuki: “i have never been so offended in my life.”



Miss Scarlet’s “William the Duck” was runner-up and Savannah’s monkey lamp took third place.

But it was kabuki’s furniture suite that took first prize for the most stunning example of tasteless décor …


(click to enlarge)

Mistress MJ has questions for kabuki: Where is the lampshade? Is the dog alive? Did you steal this furniture from the set of a Sam Shepard play? Is this your living room?

And, even more importantly, La Diva Cucina asks, “Does it smell like ass?”

Let’s assume this is kabuki’s living room as he has not suggested otherwise.

Obviously, kabuki is in serious need of some furniture fairies and that’s where you, the Bitches of Infomaniac, come in.

It’s time for …

MAKEOVER MADNESS!

Let’s all get together and suggest ways to make kabuki’s room more attractive. How can we improve the aesthetic appeal of the room? Suggestions, please!

Finally, we here at Infomaniac wish to thank all of you for participating, for your entries and for your amusing comments.

All of you (even kabuki) can take consolation in knowing that at least your place isn’t as bad as Crazy Curtis’s house (Ayem8y’s neighbour). Be sure to click here to see Ayem8y’s footage of the squalor.

Mistress MJ feels dirty and is off for a nice soak in the tub now.

Voting Day – How Not To Decorate Competition

It’s like a garage sale gone wrong in here!

You bitches have hauled out your fugliest furnishings, appalling accessories and deformed decorations.

How to Vote:

You’ve got all day Monday and Tuesday to cast your vote.

Simply select your choice for the most hideous display of dreadful décor.

Only one vote per person, please. But feel free to comment on any and all entries.

No, you can’t vote for yourself. (I had to put that in as a reminder for CyberPete).

The name of the blogger is above each photo.

In cases of multiple entries by the same blogger, we’ve numbered their entries.

Below each photo is a description of the item, in the blogger’s own words.

Et voila! Consider each entry carefully and then cast your votes, bitches!


XL:



I've had this Lava Lamp for a very long time. Over the years it has slowly lost its potency. Sadly, this is as much performance as it can manage these days. It used to grow much larger and spew magnificently. But not anymore. Friends have tried to comfort me about its condition, saying "This happens all the time. It's temporary. Nothing to worry about. It's normal." I find no solace in their words. Its flaccid state is a grim reminder of better days gone by.


MISS SCARLET:



I love my duck. His name is William. I think he demonstrates that I have wonderful taste in interiors.


LA DIVA CUCINA:




Bowler's decanter. It is undusted and made of plastic to boot! Notice the loverly plastic base molded to resemble fine wood grain! The "glasses" are plastic but the decanter is glass and is much too small to hold enough liquor to satisfy La Diva let alone six thirsty guests. Yet, it still sits on my speaker next to my tv and buffet. A nod to my tacky ass Midwestern roots!
It was a gift from my friend from my "club" days in Detroit in the early '80's though he only gave it to me a few years ago. He has exquisite taste in vintage and has bought me a number of incredible items that are flawless. Yet, he sent me this. I asked my husband if we could hide it and he said "NO." Don't know why. We don't use it, it's ugly, does not match a thing and naturally, I don't dust it but once in a while! haha!


NORMADESMOND:



Picked up years ago at a Paris flea market. "Poubelle" means garbage, so i suppose this was meant to hold the gnawed chicken bones on the dinner table.


PRINCESS #1:



The Empress attended a royal gala dinner at "Bucking Huge" Palace with "Miss Betty Dress Nice" and this candelabra arrangement was part of the formal decoration for the event.

Knowing the Empress's adoration for Her and given Mother's continual harping on all evening about "Miss Betty beauty flowers," "Miss Betty Dress Nice" kindly presented it to her to take home as a gift (and mainly to shut her up). So, I'm afraid that we are unable to part with it given its very "Royal" origins.


PRINCESS #2:



This is a desk top pen holder given to me by one of my friendly friut flys.



MR. PEENEE:



Although I actually think this room (our downstairs powder room) is spectacularly successful, a number of our friends seem stunned by it.


MANUEL:



37 years old....seriously I am 37 years old.


FELIX IN HOLLYWOOD:






I am submitting a lamp that was purchased by my parents at a charity shop in Niagara Falls, NY in 1966. I've never been able to quite decide: was it someones misguided project in a high school metal shop class, or is it some brilliant piece of 1930's avant garde art?

The original shade was a plain beige. I added this one a few years back. Swanky, no?


INEXPLICABLE DeVICE (IVD):






I scoured Castle DeVice for but a scrap of bad taste with no luck. Then, suddenly, inspiration hit! The lofts and attics and turrets - No one had been up in the rafters in years! Perhaps there I would find the most elusive of tasteless decors?

Arming myself with the latest in electrified daguerreotype photographic equipment, I ascended the stairs and slowly opened the hatch...

Aaaaaaaiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!

My eyes were assaulted by ghastly stencilled boarders! It took all my nerves and composure not to recoil in horror and plummet to my doom.

Steeling myselves, I managed to photograph the offending images before hurrying back down the steps and cracking open the smelling salts.

Needless to say, now that they've been discovered, those boarders will soon be eliminated!


MITZI #1:



As promised, Carmen's Red lamp. I hope it doesn't cause you too much distress. Gander at the woodchip wallpaper. It's what the previous owners had all through the house. Can you believe that? And Carmen likes it!



MITZI #2:



In my computer room is my collection of Harrod's Teddy bears, Joy, Teddy and Babs (named after the Beverley Sisters).


MITZI #3:



And the third one is taken just above my bed. See the picture of the boys in a boat? The flash is just for you.



KAPITANO #1:



I'm not sure I can offer you anything hideous. A little eccentric, maybe.

The first photo is of a wall mounted installation of three gold painted cowbells...with a hooter on top.

The dangling cowbells and their metal wall fixing were, for some bizarre reason, a Christmas gift from one of my uncles. My father spent a weekend painting them with some leftover gold paint and fixing them to a wooden shield mounting which...appeared from somewhere.

The brass hooter is of the kind which was attached to cars a century ago - before we got horns operated from the steering wheel. This was a different gift on a different Christmas from a different uncle.

Ah, but that gold paint. what was it left over from? Years before, dad had had the idea of painting the ceiling fixtures gold...and sky blue. With red bits. So he spent a week up a ladder very carefully painting bits of the ceiling with a tiny brush. Fortunately, I couldn't photograph the result because it's almost permanently in shadow.


KAPITANO #2:



As for the, um, sign. Dad is a railway enthusiast. And it's the nameplate of an old steam locomotive - and not, as you were probably thinking, the house name of a dyslexic sex maniac. Though it probably should have been.

The panelling and lamps are more of dad's DIY work.

This is the house I grew up in. I'm sure it had no effect on my psychology at all.


BEAST:



Beast has been a busy boy and not had much chance to do anything other than work and sleep . Regretably, I have missed competitions and not got round anyones blogs . By way of making amends, I have knocked up a foil hat(For IVD) and mashed it up with a tasteless household object(For MJ) , and that my dear readers is the best I can do for the next few days . So here we go.


MUTLEY THE DOG:



I always include a few plants such as these!


KABUKI ZERO:



Avast me hearties! Please consider this pirate-furniture as my entry into your contest. The set also includes a matching sofa & coffee table. I just couldn't bring myself to put them all together.


EROSWINGS:



I had a hard time searching for a suitable entry. Luckily, I still had my collection of fast food, gas station, and amusement park cups in one of my cupboards--Everything from Taco Bell to Circle K gas stations!

This monkey water bottle is the jewel of my plastic, large gulp cups collection! Purchased at the San Antonio Zoo during a hot summer day, I've used this monkey cup frequently on long drives and on hot days when I'm outside. My friends think it's hideous and wrong to suck liquid out of a monkey head, but I find it perfect for containing cold cocktails and you don't have to worry about spills if you accidentally (or drunkenly) knock it over!


SAVANNAH:



Monkeys are sort of a totem around here. This lamp was a gift from a friend to join the collection of monkeys already residing here. What can i say? There's a carved monkey lamp in the library, but this one sits on the kitchen counter next to the phone, (geddit?) hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.


JILL:



My amputated monkey. Gift from mother in law - as is.


CYBERPETE #1:



This first one is a painting by a local artist that used to live next to my
aunt and uncle. My parents bought 6 paintings by this painter and this is
one of them. It hung in my parents living room for 25 years until it was
relocated to my living room last year. I needed something big, "red" and
free to put on the wall and my mother didn't hesitate to pull it off the
wall and make my father hang it in my flat. It's only on loan according to
my father, and the only reason it's still here is that I can't afford to buy
the perfect painting at the moment.


CYBERPETE #2:



A massive Tweety Bird.

I made the mistake of telling my best friend back in '98 that Tweety Bird is
my favorite Looney Toon character, and on one of his many trips to France he
found this monstrosity. Because he adores me so, and because he is such a
lovely guy with the biggest heart evah, he dragged this thing back with him.
I cherish it, and I just have too much heart to get rid of it. Been thinking
about putting it in basement.


CYBERPETE #3:


The third item is a red tree horse. I've been looking for the name of this
atrocity but can't find it. I did find out that it's a Danish souvenir horse
but I'm sure it has a proper name.

Anyway, this belonged to my late brother. When he passed I stole two things.
A red shirt with a massive gold glitter panther on the front, and this red
wooden horse. I don't know why I took the horse, but I've grown to like it a
lot. Even if it isn't very pretty.


CYBERPETE #4:



This item is so very late 80s. Everyone had these back then. I'm finding it
quite hideous but at the time I quite liked this ceramic man. Who knows why.
I bought it on a summer holiday at a fair in a small town called Assens
(tee-hee!) with my parents when I was 10. I'm just happy I have grown into
my impeccable style now.


CYBERPETE #5:




I made this myself in a ceramics class. The woman who ran it was being a
bitch about other people doing uninspired vases and ashtrays, so I started
creating a spider. Just for kicks. She then came over to me and told me that
it wouldn't survive the oven, so in a hissy fit I took a rolling pin and
smashed it. Then I asked if it would now. She said it might, and so I used a
special glaze on it and the miracle of miracles it did survive the oven.

Actually it's the only thing I've ever made out of clay that I actually
like. Yet, people always tell me how ugly it is. So here it is!


END OF ENTRIES

That’s the lot, bitches!

Take your time before casting your vote.

You’ve got all day Monday and Tuesday to make your choice.

The winner will be announced sometime (non-committal) later this week.

In the meantime, Mistress MJ will be busy Febrezing this blog.