May Two-Four Weekend

Canadians are loading up their beer coolers this weekend, firing up their barbecues, and Monday night the sky will be alight with fireworks.






Every year on the Monday on or before May 24th (Queen Victoria’s birthday) we Canucks have a statutory holiday. (Yes, I know it’s not a statutory holiday in New Brunswick, Nova Scotia or Prince Edward Island but the rest of us have Monday off…ha!)





Canadian icons Bob and Doug McKenzie engaging in Canada’s primary Victoria Day pastime: beer drinking



Victoria Day is officially the Sovereign's birthday here regardless of who’s currently occupying the throne.

In England you celebrate it in June.

The Aussies confuse the issue by having two different dates to celebrate the Queen’s birthday. Most of Australia celebrates in June but Western Australia celebrates it on the Monday nearest September 30th.

But back to the beer.

We Canucks refer to this long weekend as THE MAY TWO-FOUR WEEKEND. Not because Queen Victoria was born on May 24th but because beer is often bought in cases of 24, referred to as a "two-four". *





Cases of Molson Canadian “two-fours” to the right




Question to you foreigners: Do you have a beer fridge in your back yard or is it just us?



Summer beer fridge






Winter beer fridge



Take note of how we Canadians become quite giddy over the May Two-Four weekend as this heralds the coming of warm weather.

Watch as our highways become congested as we head out to open our cottages (also referred to as “camp” in some parts of the country.)

Laugh at us as we inevitably fall flat on our faces from the excess that results when Canadians combine booze with a long weekend.

Okay, where’s my beer, eh?



And so ends our cultural lesson for the day.

Happy May Two-Four!








* Canadian word of the day.

Manna From Heaven

On my way to work yesterday, I found a twenty-dollar bill on the sidewalk.




You foreigners can stop scratching your heads as I’ve done the conversion for you as follows:

20 Canadian Dollars = 10.26348 British Pounds, 12.91195 Euros, 21.14905 Australian Dollars or 20.01081 US Dollars.

I have not yet decided how to spend this windfall.

No, I will not be mailing it to you. Get your own money tree.

Nor will I be doing the right thing and contributing to charity.

Nor will I be practical and pay a bill.

Instead, I plan to spend it frivolously.

Suggestions welcome.

And what would you do if you found this sum of money?

Filthy Friday – Armpit Sex

When the missionary position has grown old.

When your copy of the Kama Sutra is worn and dog-eared.

When you’ve explored each and every orifice.

There’s…




ARMPIT SEX!

Boys And Their Toys

What kind of wacky contraption has this guy rigged up?


(click to enlarge)



Imagine the hours of labour he put into it…time that could have been spent cleaning his living room!

Naked Cowboy

No, not New York City’s Naked Cowboy.

I’m talking about Infomaniac reader Eroswings: the Texan Naked Cowboy.


Eroswings seen here modeling The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts


Y’all know you wanna see him nekkid, don’t you?

Finally you have your chance.

Eroswings emailed me a photograph of his hot bareback self and said I could share it with you.

Break out the KY and whatever else you need for such momentous occasions ‘cause here he is!…






Is it hot in here or is it me? I gotta crack open a window.

And now a personal note to Eroswings:

Boy, you gotta keep doin’ those pushups (I’m sure one of our readers will volunteer to lay under you and count to a hundred) and sit-ups because if you don’t, this is what could happen…







Do I have any volunteers from our audience to assist Eroswings in his workout?

Kapitano’s Favourite Post

It’s time for another installment of Your Favourite Post.




Today’s submission comes to us from Kapitano in Portsmouth, England.

Kapi offered a few very well-written pieces for me to choose from.

But ultimately, I chose a piece with no text; simply a caption.

It may have been the bare arse that influenced my decision.

To view Kapitano’s fave post, CLICK HERE.

The Trouble With Timbits

Canada is the Donut Capital of the World.





Not only do Canadians eat the most donuts of any country’s citizens, we also have more donut shops per capita than anywhere else in the world.

Yes, we Canucks have a love affair with the donut and consider it our national snack.

Timbits, for example, are popular bite-sized donut balls also known as “donut holes” because they're the part of the donut cut out to make the hole in the donut.







Timbits are sold at Tim Hortons donut shops, otherwise known as Mecca to donut-loving Canadians from coast to coast.







A single Timbit sells for 16 cents Canadian each though most people buy them by the box.







Last week a tempest erupted over a Timbit.

Nicole Lilliman, a London, Ontario Tim Hortons employee, attempted to calm a fussy baby by offering the tot a Timbit.

And that’s where the trouble began.




Nicole Lilliman holding Exhibit A



The Tim Hortons managers noticed Lilliman’s act of kindness on videotape and promptly fired her!







A Tim Hortons district manager is quoted as saying, "Employees aren't allowed to give out free products and that's the bottom line. She gave out free product and it doesn't matter if it is a Timbit or a coffee or a doughnut or 10 sandwiches or what."

Nicole Lilliman said, "I have been fired for giving a baby a Timbit."

"It was just out of my heart – she was pointing and going `ah, ah...' I should have gone to my purse and got the change, but it was busy."

"I was crying. I was like, 'I'm a single mom with four kids and you are going to put this on my record? You should bring all the staff in here and fire them all and yourselves, too.' People give out Timbits to dogs in the drive-through all the time."



Happy ending



Enraged Canadians rallied round Lilliman, and a PR nightmare ensued with customers threatening to boycott Tim Hortons.

Long story shorter, Lilliman has been rehired and will begin working at another location with compensation.

Tim Hortons has also publicly apologized.

Lilliman says if she ever gets the urge again, she’ll pay the 16 cents out of her own purse.





Like the book says, we are a Timbit Nation.

Mum’s the Word

Yeah yeah I know you Brits all celebrated Mother’s Day back in March.

But in Canada, U.S., and Australia (anybody else?) today is Mother’s Day.





If my mum were alive, she would be absolutely horrified by my blog.

How about the rest of you?

Does your mum read your blog? If so, what does she think of it?

And if she doesn't know about it, why haven't you told her?

Or if your mum has passed on, how do you think she’d react to your blog if she could read it?







Happy Mother’s Day to all of you mums out there!

And remember to call or visit your mums and bring her something nice, you cheap bastards.

Let’s Get Physical

Let’s all get out for a little exercise today, shall we?




I, for one, will be out and about all day.

Nations will be out in her garden, attending to the flowers in her TOILET PLANTER...






What about the rest of you?

Filthy Friday – Golden Showers

If you’ve visited Ellie this week, you’ll know that she has a video camera set up in her bedroom.

It turns out that she’s been filming her late night sexcapades with Old Knudsen!

Ellie, darlin’. Have you learned nothing from all the celebrity sex tape scandals?

Were the follies of Rob Lowe; Pamela Anderson/Bret Michaels/Tommy Lee; Paris Hilton/Rick Salomon; Abi Titmuss/John Leslie, and Ulrika Jonsson/Stan Collymore not warning enough for you?

Their undercover antics on film were all leaked to the public.

And so it is with you and Old Knudsen.

I have obtained the “leaked” stills from the Pee Party video and present them here for your titillation.

For personal reasons, Ellie and Knudsen’s faces have been Photoshopped to resemble other people entirely, as their old Irish mams read this blog.







Ellie, having put a damper on the festivities, forces Knudsen to move the action to the bathroom…









Get your order in now at the Knudsen Shop for the soon-to-be-released DVD.

Celebrity Arse – David Boreanaz

Hey CyberPete. Rub-a-dub-dub, let’s make love in the tub

Today’s request for Celebrity Arse comes all the way from LegoLand or Denmark as it’s officially called.

CyberPete wishes to see David Boreanaz’ arse.

Actually, CyberPoof made a quintuple request for the arses of Paul Walker, Paul Muldoon, Matthew McConnaghey, Matthew Perry and David Boreanaz but I’m restricting him to just the one arse for being such a greedy guts.




DAVID BOREANAZ’ ARSE
(David Boring-arse / David Bore-anus)



And just for you, CyberPoof, you can watch David’s arse in motion as it walks away here.

Planet Oz

This posting is dedicated to Infomaniac’s Australian readers.





It appears that this is Australia Week in our blogging circle as both Dinah and T-Bird have posted about Australia too.

And now it’s Infomaniac’s turn.

Laugh as I expose my limited knowledge of The Land Down Under to you.

I know little of this great nation. I’ve never visited Australia nor do I have friends or relatives there.

Here then for your entertainment is everything Infomaniac knows about Australia in a nutshell.




You dress funny...


Cork hat




Your music has a sound all its own…


Didgeridoo




Carrot panpipes and flutes




Your foods are both salty…


Vegemite




And sweet..



Tim Tams: "two and a half inches has never been so satisfying"




And your culinary customs are most peculiar…


Tim Tam Slam





You have your own beer…


Foster’s Beer



Which inevitably leads you to engage in beer-related activities…




Darwin Beer Can Regatta





You’re a nation of sportsmen…


Tunarama in Port Lincoln … men and women compete to see who can throw a frozen 8-10 kilogram tuna the farthest.







Camel races in Alice Springs






Cockroach races in Brisbane




A land of unique and fascinating flora…


Baobab tree



And fauna…



Platypus




Tasmanian Devil




Bilby
Bilbies have their own Appreciation Society




And geological marvels…


Stromatolites





Your towns have names that make us titter…



Like Iron Knob and Tittybong.




Your Christmas occurs in Summer!…






You’re an inventive people…


Boomerang



You have an artist who paints with his penis…


Pricasso (Tim Patch)




Canada has the Sasquatch. You have the Yowie…



Statue of a Yowie



AND a man in search of the Yowie…


Tim the Yowie Man




Your films are delightful…










Your telly tickles me…


Dame Edna



Kath and Kim




You have your own unique literature…



Australian Bush poetry




And you have a way with words…

Yobbo = loudmouth; someone uncouth
Billabong = waterhole
Grog = plonk; cheap liquor or wine
Dunny = outhouse
(And so many more… fill me in on these for I am but a simple Canuck.)




Your legal system is to be commended…



It is illegal to wear hot pink pants after midday Sunday.




And finally…

Australia is in the future…



Sydney and Brisbane, for example, are 17 hours ahead of me!



So there you have it. The sum total of Infomaniac’s knowledge about Australia.

Can you add more? What do you know about Australia?

Go on. Enlighten me, bitches.



Note: Infomaniac will not be updating until Thursday.