YOUR GARDENING PHOTOS!

Thanks to all the Infomaniac Bitches who submitted photos of their gardens, plants and flowers.

Note: Clicking on most of these photos enlarges them and shows off their beauty. Apologies that I couldn’t make them bigger on the screen. Oh, and this is not a contest as some folk think…it’s simply a glimpse into your gardens.

Let’s have a peek into your secret gardens now, shall we?

MS. FIRST NATIONS…
Rancho FirstNations, under fierce attack by Imperial Daleks.

THOMBEAU…
Here's a bit of my garden! It's sort of between blooms, but you get the idea. I planted everything but the trees, put in the stone walkway, etc.. Have veggies, too, but they're not as photogenic. I love gardening, it's something I never got to do during my 25 years in Chicago. And it helps keep me sane, whatever that means. Anyway, these may not be the sort of pics you have in mind---the only naked troll was the one behind the camera!---but I thought I'd share.

MITZI…
Mary Mary quite contrary. How does your garden grow? I thought you might like this picture of old whore Libby Ellis.
I took pity on a bag of dahlia tubers displayed on a discounted shelf in Wilkinsons. The tubers had started to sprout in their torn plastic prison. That was four months ago and just look how they have rewarded me, although I'm not a dahlia person, they're well worth the 10p I paid for them. The ivy growing up the wall is a cutting I took from Norman Clegg's house from Last Of The Summer Wine.

WALLY…
This is my garden in New York City.
The best thing about it is that if you are in any room of my apartment and look out any window, this is what you see, not buildings, cars, trains and people.
Many different flowers, spring, summer & fall, If you are feeling peckish grab a nectarine or a fig or a bunch of grapes, savory herbs grow all around.
I walk barefoot around this, my home, and my little dog Mickey has never worn a leash; he runs free...

AYEM8Y…
We've been having the most beastly heat and drought this summer and as a result most of my potted plants have suffered a horrible death. Yes that is a water hose. I'm to lazy to turn the damn thing on.

CHICKORY…
I know, I know. I forgot to pose nekkid while being mounted by a rooster or something.

BOXER…
This is how I grow flowers. I don’t. Instead, I pot rusty metal ones that will not die from my lack of attention.

BEAST…

Note from Mistress MJ: Beast hasn’t time to write a blurb due to his hectic schedule as kitchen slave at Café C. Nonetheless, he manages to find the time to maintain a lovely garden oasis in Bournemouth, England. Click on his last photo to see the funhouse mirror!

JASON…
Here's my fairy ring which sprung up
just this morning!

INEXPLICABLE DeVICE…
I was quickly flicking through the blogworld the other day to see what I'd been missing and thought to myself I must do some hoeing! Unfortunately, time has escaped me, so I cannot offer anything of mirth or innuendo. Instead, I offer an update of Castle DeVice's vegetable garden as of the end of June. For those that are interested in its progression, there's a couple of photos in this post that show the 'before' and 'beforer'.

GEOFF…
This is the lavender bush the bees love so much. Unfortunately there are fewer bees this year than last. We are sad to see the bees disappear.

STEPHEN…

MR. PEENEE…
When we moved to Chez Peenee 14 years ago, the backyard was covered in an invasive weed called Scotch Broom. I pulled each and every one of those bitches out by hand and have been fighting with the yard ever since. I am pretty sure I am not winning.

LX…
The Cycad is my favorite yard plant because of its color, shape, and size. I have used these as feature plants on Maui and in Austin. Some people refer to these as "Sago Palms." They are idiots.

PRINCESS…
Some shots of around my garden, none current, as it is mid winter here (Australia) and the place looks a mess!

MISS SCARLET…
Here are the pictures of my poorly plant. I believe it's a clamatis.
But as you can see in the second pic... where there is life there is hope...

RANDOM CHICK…
I've attached my entries for your Garden Party contest...or Greenery Contest, or whatever it is. As long as we get to see more arses I don't care! These photos are from our low-maintenance garden. We just planted stuff and let it grow and it went wild! We'll be having corn, squash, zebra tomatoes, and green bell peppers for dinner forever!!

ROSES…
Please find attached two pictures: inside bush and outside bush. The inside bush...well actually there are several. The big one is a devil's ivy, there are two orchids and for the life of me, I can't remember what the purple/silver variegated plans are called. The outside bush...those were my adorable Hellebores.

COOKIE…
The garden (and the roses) peaked about a month ago.

Let’s welcome to Infomaniac two new Infomaniac Bitches: CoreyJo and IlDuce!...

COREYJO…
Here is a Peace Lily I received when my 2 year old daughter Maggie Alice past away. In front is a Redwings gnome I bought my husband for Christmas the year Maggie Alice was born. These items sit where you will see them anytime to go to any room in the house.

ILDUCE…
The front garden, up until two years ago this was all grass & chain link.

KEEP HOEING, BITCHES!

And thank you for sharing your beautiful greenery with us.

Domestic Dilemma

Mistress MJ is well aware that you're anxiously waiting to see everyone's gardening photos.

They WILL be posted later this week but in the meantime, Mistress MJ is having trouble with The Help...

[photos via]

My question is this...

How do YOU keep your houseboys under control?

Wenis Wednesday

First it was Wenis Wasps.

Now this...

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Back to Work

After numerous holidays and divertissement, Mistress MJ must get down to work.

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Expect to see your gardening photos posted at some point this week.

Holiday!

Mistress MJ has a day off to celebrate Colonel By Day in which we take part in heritage lace making, rug braiding, and attend musketry demonstrations.

Oh who am I kidding? It’s another excuse to get liquored up!

See you soon, Bitches!

Gardening Pics Reminder

Thanks to everyone who completed their HORTICULTURAL HOMEWORK and submitted photos of your plants and flowers and gardens.

Mistress MJ has received barrels full of photos!

You bitches worked hard to come through with those gardening photos!

The deadline for photo submission is TODAY so there’s still time to participate.

You can find details here.

Mistress MJ has guests this weekend hence the lack of blogging updates, comments, visits to your blogs or replying to your email messages.

All will return to “normal” soon.

Filthy Friday

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No New Post

Nothing to see here, move along!

Back to the Garden

Mistress MJ wishes to thank those of you who’ve submitted photos of your gardens, plants and flowers.

[thanks,Thombeau]

The rest of you have until Sunday to send in your pics. Details here.

Unfortunately, I haven’t had time to pop round to visit everyone so let me know how you’re doing and what you’re doing and I’ll see you as soon as possible.

p.s. Did you know there is a medical condition known as “Watering-Can Scrotum?”

Of Gardens and Gaultier

Mistress MJ has returned and is pleased to see that some of you bitches have completed your horticultural homework.

Others need a reminder that your garden pics must be submitted by Sunday, July 31st.

Click here for details.

If Mistress MJ does not see more photo submissions in her inbox soon, she will not show you her photos from "The Fashion World of Jean Paul Gaultier: From the Sidewalk to the Catwalk" at the Montreal Museum of Fine Arts (Musée des Beaux Arts).

And unless you live in or are travelling to Montreal, Dallas, San Francisco, Madrid or Rotterdam, you’ll miss the chance to take in this extraordinary exposition as it travels from 2011-2013.

Calling All Hoes

Attention all gardeners!

Mr. Nude Infomaniac trimming hedges

YOU HAVE HORTICULTURAL HOMEWORK!

Mistress MJ will be in Montreal until early next week and when she returns, she wants to see some action in her inbox.

So….

Regardless of whether you have a fully landscaped garden or simply a houseplant, we want to see it.

Take a photo of your garden patch, your houseplant(s), that vase of flowers on your kitchen table, the weed poking through your foundation or whatever greenery you have around the house either indoors or out. Gnomes or other garden ornaments are acceptable too. Undoubtedly, Ms. Nations will be sending a photo of her toilet planters.

Send your photograph via email by Sunday, July 31st. (Don’t say I didn’t give you enough time.) My email address is in my Blogger Profile.

Be sure to include a little blurb about your greenery to go with the photograph.

We’ll publish a special gardening post with all your photos in near future.

Now get your green thumbs unstuck and show us your greenery!


Note: I won’t be responding to your gardening email messages as I’m on holiday but rest assured that I’ll be happy to read them nonetheless upon my return.

Charge Your Camera Batteries

You have an assignment coming up soon, here on Infomaniac.

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Gone Shopping

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Wenis Wednesday

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Testicle Tuesday

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Peggy Guggenheim Sunglasses (Continued)

The Peggy Guggenheim sunglasses continue to make the rounds as seen here on Maila Nurmi (Vampira)…

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And here on Infomaniac Bitch AyeM8y (Mean Dirty Pirate)…

Who knows WHERE they'll show up next!

Fondue Party

For you foreign bitches who think that Canada is all ice and snow, here’s today’s temperature in both F (Foreigners) and C (Canadian)…

Hot enough to melt cheese.

Fondue party, anyone?

[source of two fondue photos above]
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Source: Better Homes & Gardens Cooking with Cheese cookbook 1966.
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Peggy Guggenheim Sunglasses

Mistress MJ must have Peggy Guggenheim sunglasses…

I’d like them in blue, please.

Includes a silver lamé case. Decorative bat centrepiece not included.

Send your credit card details here and have them sent to me at once.

Thanking you in advance.

Caftans and Cocktails

After that last Filthy Friday, I think it best you relax with cocktails and caftans…

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Filthy Friday

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Massage Parlour Madness

Mistress MJ turns her back for five seconds (okay, five DAYS) and returns to find malicious gossip being spread.

According to Herr Mago, “There's trouble at an Infomaniac outlet in Manchester.”

Mistress MJ would like to go on record as saying that Scarlett’s “massage parlour” is NOT an Infomaniac outlet nor does it have anything to do with our Miss Scarlet nor does it employ any Infomaniac Bitches.

The dungeon mistress is a Miss Dawn Donaghue…

…no, not Dawn Davenport…

Miss Donaghue says: ‘There were only one or two customers a day. They spent a lot of days sitting around chatting and drinking tea.’

I’ll thank you to lay this story to rest now.

À Bientôt, Bitches!

Mistress MJ is on the road to Montréal!

*adjusts rear view mirror*

Catch you next week, bitches!

Public Service Announcement #13

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(click pic and a bonus bottom appears next to him)

A reminder to slip-slop-slap.

Mistress MJ is busy preparing to hit the open road for the weekend and cannot join in on the discussion.

However, I simply cannot leave without knowing that you are heeding this advice!

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This has been an Infomaniac Public Service Announcement.

Amuse Yourselves, Bitches

Mistress MJ is busy therefore socializing will be kept to a minimum today.

Please find other ways to amuse yourselves.

(click pic to biggify)
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Wenis Wednesday

(Click pic to enlarge)
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WINNER of the Canada Day Competition!

Congratulations to THOMBEAU!

Thom is the winner of a prize package from Canada that includes "Look and Feel Canadian Instantly Breath Spray!"

Succumb to the fantasy, Thom!

Product description: “Deep down, we all envy those charming, simple people to our north. While we Americans spread out around the world getting in all sorts of trouble, those carefree Canadians just go about their happy lives -- trout fishing, snowshoeing, and chugging down maple syrup. If you've ever wondered what it actually feels like to be Canadian, here's an amazing opportunity. "Look and Feel Canadian Instantly Breath Spray" allows you to experience the essence of Canada firsthand! Just close your eyes and spray a little of this peppermint-flavored miracle into your mouth. In your mind, you'll see the snow capped mountains of Saskatchewan, you'll hear the rushing streams of Edmonton, you'll smell the pungent moose droppings of Manitoba. Of course, once you open your eyes, you'll be back in the U.S.A. But the lingering peppermint flavor will remind you of the time you were almost a Canadian. And for the rest of your life, you'll find plaid shirts just a little less annoying.”

Thom wins the Canada Day Competition for this concise verse in which he captured the very essence of our nation…

Oh Canada, eh?

Eh, Canada. Oh.

And kudos to runner-up Damien Oz for this gem…

Oh Canada,
Thank you for your furry beaver.
For hockey-lads and dental retrievers.
For red pubes and anal heavers.


Oh Canada,
Thank you for Mistress MJ.
For her plump but pliant vay-jay.
For her gentle but stern "hey hey!!".


Oh Canada,
Thank you for for the funny.
For humpy men who melt my honey.
For MJ - who spanks my bunny.


Oh Canada,
Happy Birthday for you and ya!
For Toronto and Vancouvah!
For lamabsting the Quebecois!!


Mazel Tov Canada.


Thanks, Thombeau and Damien!

And thanks to EVERYONE who participated in our Canada Day Competition!

A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR OUR WINNER THOMBEAU AND RUNNER-UP DAMIEN!

And now a brief verse from Mistress MJ…

Mistress MJ is proud to be Canadian
Twenty-four seven
Circadian!

Hula Intermission

Please enjoy this hula intermission from one of the Infomaniac Dancers while you're waiting for the results of the Canada Day Competition...

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Apologies for the delay.

Happy Fourth of July!

Happy Fourth of July to our American Infomaniac Bitches!

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Including (but not limited to) the following American Infomaniac Bitches: AyeM8y, Boneman, Boxer, Chickory, Cookie, Eroswings, Felix in Hollywood, First Nations, Hayward, Heff, Inner Voices, Jason, Jill, kabuki zero, Kelly Red, La Diva Cucina, Leah, MAC, Manda, Michael Guy, Michael Rivers, Miss Janey, Mr. Peenee, Normadesmond, Puggerpete/TB, RAD, Random Chick, Savannah, Seraph + Splendor, Stacia, TJB, Thombeau, XL, Wally, and Wow, That Was Awkward.

Reminder: There’s still time to cast your vote in our Canada Day Competition. (See previous post.) The winner will be announced on July 5th.

Canada Day Competition Finals!

Are you ready to vote for your favourite entry in our Canada Day Competition?

Everyone may vote regardless of whether you’ve submitted an entry or not.

Read the following poems about CANADA created by our very own Infomaniac Bitches and tell us your fave.

You have until the night of July 4th to make up your minds.

The winner will be announced on July 5th.

DAMIEN OZ…

Oh Canada,
Thank you for your furry beaver.
For hockey-lads and dental retrievers.
For red pubes and anal heavers.

Oh Canada,
Thank you for Mistress MJ.
For her plump but pliant vay-jay.
For her gentle but stern "hey hey!!".

Oh Canada,
Thank you for for the funny.
For humpy men who melt my honey.
For MJ - who spanks my bunny.

Oh Canada,
Happy Birthday for you and ya!
For Toronto and Vancouvah!
For lamabsting the Quebecois!!

Mazel Tov Canada.

XL…

oh my canada!
beaver, mounties, old scrotums!
infomaniac!

MISS SCARLET…

Roses are red wine, Scarlet is Blue,
Canada is fab,
And so are all of you.

DONN (aka Mr. S. Capeons)…

Happy Canada-D'eh MJ
Wave a flag day
raise your handz and say eh!
Canada'z where erbody say
"have nice muthatf^%#$day eh"
Merkins ask us why we be addin U s to everthang?
So we ain't you eh
it'z a Franch thang
and we let erbody live in this place
'eh'-liens be comin' ever-day?
our southern neighb sez weez all cra-zay
but we say
no damn way
youze guys have nice day eh
anyboday wanna come N play
what the hey
whatcha say
why don't you muthaf%$@s stay
Cause datz the C'nai-way
datz how we roll ever-damn-day
Euros came to snatch our Beavay
to chop N haul the wood away
First Asians said man what-the-hey? no way eh!
but felt bad and let their sorry frozen downass stay
now the rent's 144 damn years late
they be still reneggin' on their downass Treaties eh :(
maybe some damn day
we'll have to pay
and pave a better f%#$@ way
for erbody to stay
but not t'day
today we play away and get wasted eh
we say "gooday eh" to our neighbs
we should do this ever day
ignore our probs and seize the day ever-body ever-way
Happy damn Canada Day eh!?
ain't nuthin get done t'day

Peace Out

NORMADESMOND…

does saskatch have a snatch to chew on?

PRINCESS…

MJ’s off to meet the Middleton’s on their honeymoon,
How rude to be arriving on the first day after June.
It’s the National Day for locals and the one they celebrate
So just to piss the Royals off…. I hope she’s running late

They’ve come to see a beaver, “Show them MJ. Yours is grouse!”
Rumour has it that they’re staying at the Infomaniac house.
I have to wonder now about which room in which they’ll stay
Perhaps the Plaid Room or the Cheese Room or the Pink Room, that’s so Gay!

Now Will, will have to notice all the Houseboys on their knees
Bearing trays of cocktails as for Sir “We’re here to please”
“Have you any baggage Sir you’d like for us to stow?”
“Well I’d offer you the wife boys but the bitch she just won’t go”

The bitches have gone full on into celebration mode
It’s another wicked party at the Mistresses abode
Now the vodka fountains pumping, by the looks of it Grey Goose
And just for the occasion MJ’s gone and got a Moose

Will’s is naked in the corner with a lampshade on his head
Katie’s found a Mountie and has rushed him of to bed.
But the night it will be over and be ending all too soon
Seems the newlyweds are loving their Canadian honeymoon.

MS. FIRST NATIONS…

POMES IN HONUR OF CANANANDDA 4 A PRISE

1.
Hydro, White Widow,
Ruby, Cat Piss, Blue Buddha,
Albino Rhino.

2.
Early Purple Kush,
Willie Nelson, Wreckage,
Zero Gravity.

3.
Reclining Buddha,
Martian Mean Green, Sleestak,
Lambo, Free Tibet.

MAGO…

Cannada
Schlannada
Hauptsach' Du hast'es Muater'l liab

RANDOM CHICK…

I've never been to Canada but like the folks,
I notice that lots of Canadians are good at jokes.
I should probably know more about this nation,
But like most Americans, my brain is on vacation.

There are some Canadians I'd love to screw,
Ryan Reynolds, Corey Hart, Nathan Fallon, who knew?
Will that hellp me win this contest, perhaps,
For now I am going to take a big nap!

MR. PEENEE…

I’m happy to contribute sort of an Impressionistic Haiku.

I call it: “O Canada…. It really is a county…. Yes, it is… Is too… IS TOO…. It’s like right next door, what do you think happens when you leave New York?.... No, stupid, Connecticut is the other direction…. Is too…. Well, fuck you too…. OK, I’m leaving… No, I’m leaving first…. I do not, you always say that…. Just pay the bartender and let’s go…. No I do not have anything smaller than a twenty.”

Here’s the poem:

Naked Mounties, eh?
Poutine madness, maple stuff
Ice, ice, MJ, ice

THOMBEAU…

Oh Canada, eh?
Eh, Canada. Oh.

KABUKI ZERO…

Dammit Jim I'm a Doctor, not a Canadian! (star trek is big is canada ya know)

MITZI…

Mitzi’s poem #1:

Is she older than she looks on the telly, Are they her own teeth
with her chapeau askew, nobody knew
t'was to hide the bald patch b'neath?

Mitzi’s poem #2:

The food I love the most
Is not a chicken roast
Lovely fish and chips
Will never pass my lips
and I would rather not
Eat sausages quite hot

But if I had some Maple syrup
Oh, happy would I be
I'd pour some on a pancake
And have it for my tea.

Brilliant poems, Bitches!

One day we’ll be flipping through the pages of Poetry Magazine, as one does, and find your published verses. Then we can say, “I read it first on Infomaniac!”

In the meantime, please cast your vote for your favourite poem.

Canada Day Competition

YAY! It’s Canada Day!!!

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To celebrate Canada’s 144th birthday, we here at Infomaniac are holding a Canada Day Competition.

The winner will receive an exciting prize package from Canada (no, NOT the man in the photo.)

RULES:

Compose a verse about Canada and post it in the comments box.

On July 3rd, your poem will be judged by a panel of your peers.

No special talent is required. It doesn’t even have to rhyme ("free verse" for example.) Just have fun!

YAY CANADA!

Note: Mistress MJ will be caught up in the Canada Day hoopla today so try to behave and keep the place tidy. As usual, the vodka fountain is open and for Canada Day we’ve added a Caribou fountain. Happy Canada Day, eh?

Happy Birthday, Normadesmond!

July 1st …it’s not just Canada’s birthday.

So raise your glass in honour of Normadesmond…

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Norma is a treasured Infomaniac Bitch AND he’s the winner of the Miss Cocks in Frocks Competition...

Worship Norma NOW before our Canada Day Competition post goes up!