Sunday, July 03, 2011

Canada Day Competition Finals!

Are you ready to vote for your favourite entry in our Canada Day Competition?

Everyone may vote regardless of whether you’ve submitted an entry or not.

Read the following poems about CANADA created by our very own Infomaniac Bitches and tell us your fave.

You have until the night of July 4th to make up your minds.

The winner will be announced on July 5th.


Oh Canada,
Thank you for your furry beaver.
For hockey-lads and dental retrievers.
For red pubes and anal heavers.

Oh Canada,
Thank you for Mistress MJ.
For her plump but pliant vay-jay.
For her gentle but stern "hey hey!!".

Oh Canada,
Thank you for for the funny.
For humpy men who melt my honey.
For MJ - who spanks my bunny.

Oh Canada,
Happy Birthday for you and ya!
For Toronto and Vancouvah!
For lamabsting the Quebecois!!

Mazel Tov Canada.


oh my canada!
beaver, mounties, old scrotums!


Roses are red wine, Scarlet is Blue,
Canada is fab,
And so are all of you.

DONN (aka Mr. S. Capeons)…

Happy Canada-D'eh MJ
Wave a flag day
raise your handz and say eh!
Canada'z where erbody say
"have nice muthatf^%#$day eh"
Merkins ask us why we be addin U s to everthang?
So we ain't you eh
it'z a Franch thang
and we let erbody live in this place
'eh'-liens be comin' ever-day?
our southern neighb sez weez all cra-zay
but we say
no damn way
youze guys have nice day eh
anyboday wanna come N play
what the hey
whatcha say
why don't you muthaf%$@s stay
Cause datz the C'nai-way
datz how we roll ever-damn-day
Euros came to snatch our Beavay
to chop N haul the wood away
First Asians said man what-the-hey? no way eh!
but felt bad and let their sorry frozen downass stay
now the rent's 144 damn years late
they be still reneggin' on their downass Treaties eh :(
maybe some damn day
we'll have to pay
and pave a better f%#$@ way
for erbody to stay
but not t'day
today we play away and get wasted eh
we say "gooday eh" to our neighbs
we should do this ever day
ignore our probs and seize the day ever-body ever-way
Happy damn Canada Day eh!?
ain't nuthin get done t'day

Peace Out


does saskatch have a snatch to chew on?


MJ’s off to meet the Middleton’s on their honeymoon,
How rude to be arriving on the first day after June.
It’s the National Day for locals and the one they celebrate
So just to piss the Royals off…. I hope she’s running late

They’ve come to see a beaver, “Show them MJ. Yours is grouse!”
Rumour has it that they’re staying at the Infomaniac house.
I have to wonder now about which room in which they’ll stay
Perhaps the Plaid Room or the Cheese Room or the Pink Room, that’s so Gay!

Now Will, will have to notice all the Houseboys on their knees
Bearing trays of cocktails as for Sir “We’re here to please”
“Have you any baggage Sir you’d like for us to stow?”
“Well I’d offer you the wife boys but the bitch she just won’t go”

The bitches have gone full on into celebration mode
It’s another wicked party at the Mistresses abode
Now the vodka fountains pumping, by the looks of it Grey Goose
And just for the occasion MJ’s gone and got a Moose

Will’s is naked in the corner with a lampshade on his head
Katie’s found a Mountie and has rushed him of to bed.
But the night it will be over and be ending all too soon
Seems the newlyweds are loving their Canadian honeymoon.



Hydro, White Widow,
Ruby, Cat Piss, Blue Buddha,
Albino Rhino.

Early Purple Kush,
Willie Nelson, Wreckage,
Zero Gravity.

Reclining Buddha,
Martian Mean Green, Sleestak,
Lambo, Free Tibet.


Hauptsach' Du hast'es Muater'l liab


I've never been to Canada but like the folks,
I notice that lots of Canadians are good at jokes.
I should probably know more about this nation,
But like most Americans, my brain is on vacation.

There are some Canadians I'd love to screw,
Ryan Reynolds, Corey Hart, Nathan Fallon, who knew?
Will that hellp me win this contest, perhaps,
For now I am going to take a big nap!


I’m happy to contribute sort of an Impressionistic Haiku.

I call it: “O Canada…. It really is a county…. Yes, it is… Is too… IS TOO…. It’s like right next door, what do you think happens when you leave New York?.... No, stupid, Connecticut is the other direction…. Is too…. Well, fuck you too…. OK, I’m leaving… No, I’m leaving first…. I do not, you always say that…. Just pay the bartender and let’s go…. No I do not have anything smaller than a twenty.”

Here’s the poem:

Naked Mounties, eh?
Poutine madness, maple stuff
Ice, ice, MJ, ice


Oh Canada, eh?
Eh, Canada. Oh.


Dammit Jim I'm a Doctor, not a Canadian! (star trek is big is canada ya know)


Mitzi’s poem #1:

Is she older than she looks on the telly, Are they her own teeth
with her chapeau askew, nobody knew
t'was to hide the bald patch b'neath?

Mitzi’s poem #2:

The food I love the most
Is not a chicken roast
Lovely fish and chips
Will never pass my lips
and I would rather not
Eat sausages quite hot

But if I had some Maple syrup
Oh, happy would I be
I'd pour some on a pancake
And have it for my tea.

Brilliant poems, Bitches!

One day we’ll be flipping through the pages of Poetry Magazine, as one does, and find your published verses. Then we can say, “I read it first on Infomaniac!”

In the meantime, please cast your vote for your favourite poem.


  1. Very difficult decision.

    In the final analysis, I vote for Thombeau's concise distillation.

    I would like to note an honorable mention to Herr Mago's blank verse, Mr Peenee's haiku, and Miss Scarlet's suggestive limerick.

  2. I'm voting for Damien.

    Damn woman, can't you do these things later in the day? It's too early to make such momentous decisions.

  3. Yep, I'm also plumping for Damien as he covered all angles.
    But also taken by Random Chick and Mr Peenee.

  4. 3 Princess's poem filled with delights, not much about Canada just parasites.

    2 To Mr Peenee with his oriental blither and for following the 5-7-5 structure it did make me quiver.

    1 The one I like the most t'was Damien Oz's I'm proud to boast.

  5. As it would be UNBECOMING to vote for myself - I have to say that Princess Steph get's my vote - it's lengthy - but who doesnt like a little bit of length now and then :)

  6. I'd vote for Damien but since I'm just a big moosehead I'll abstain. So I'll go with Mitzi and only say that maple syrup is also very good with meat balls... ;)

  7. Yes... Damien covers all the basest elements of Canadian High Culture...
    His poem got my attention... Lovely work Damien... yet...

    Ms Nations gets my commendation for her superb Haiku Construction.... utilising the 5-7-5 method.
    I'm just at a lost as to what the Fuck she was on about!

    Mr peenee's conversation in itself is a winner for me.
    But he really had me with Naked Mountie's and Poutine. The thought of all those warm cheesy curds got me moist...
    You get my vote Mr P. And I thank you...

  8. *watches competition with interest*

    A gentle reminder...

    If you vote for yourself
    You'll be left on the shelf

  9. Donn takes first

    Princess runner up

    btw: my poem was about my favorite Canadian import, and all the various names it's known by.* wanders off reeking of Willie Nelson*

  10. I see that it's very warm in Canada.
    *Flaps giant paper fan to cool the comment box down*

  11. They are all so good...
    I love Damien's , I love Peenee's and Princess, as usual has a "firm grip on things"....

    But as far as summing up the true spirit of Canadia on her Gross Birthday...

    I cast my lot for Thombeau.

    They'll be printing his verse on the money up there before too long, Eh?

    But don't listen to me, I drink wine out of a box, and re-roll my cigarette butts...

  12. Off-topic…

    Royal Tour Update:

    Will and Kate are in Quebec City now and If you’re not watching it on telly, you’re missing Baptiste the Goat. (old photo of Baptiste…not from this tour)

  13. Goat watching in Quebec - YES!

    It's tough to throw the crown onto only one of these fabulous creations. I vote for Thombeau.

  14. Everyone's a winner! But there can only be one Poet Laureate in my heart, and that is Mr. Peenee. His speaking voice has the rich, plummy tones of Maya Angelou.

  15. I vot for everyone. So we're all tied, right? LOL!

  16. I also "vote" for everyone. Not sure what vot is anyway.

  17. I would like to thank everyone for their beautiful entries. Extra thanks go to those who waxed poetically about beaver.

    My vote goes to Ms. First Nations for using the word "Pome," which is one of my mostest favoritest words ever.

  18. Thombeau for the simplicity. Short and to the point.

    The motto of Roxette: Don't bore us, just get to the chorus

  19. Put me down for Mitzi's charming Number One.

  20. Norma Desmond

  21. The polling booth is now closed.

    Thank you for casting your vote in the Canada Day Competition!

    The winner will be announced on July 5th.