Tuesday, November 28, 2006

World’s Most Expensive Pork Scratchings

The world’s most expensive pork scratchings arrived chez Infomaniac today by Royal Mail.

Addressed to: Madame MJ.

Sender: Yorkshire’s Fave Poofs, Piggy and Tazzy

Special Note on the parcel: Good news! Your sex toy is enclosed!

Scratchings stainage and seepage.

I’ve been waiting for this package of pork scratchings for how long? Since September 15th! That’s when Piggy and Tazzy originally mailed the parcel.

Luckily, the scratchings arrived before March 24, 2007 – their best-by date.

But the Royal Mail (obviously not hand-delivered by England’s fave postie, Steve) had other plans for the scratchings.

Piggy and Tazzy sent the scratchings to me only to have them arrive back at their house complete with a stuck-on-to-the-front note stating that the parcel was undeliverable. And they had the cheek to charge Pig and Taz £4 for returning it to them! But as Piggy said, “Cheeky cunts. They can bloody whistle for it, the incompetent bastards.”

And, said Piggy, like complete twats, they also didn’t bother to let them know WHY it was undeliverable.

80 grams of piggy heaven. Note on packet: “Only recommended for people with strong, healthy teeth.” In other words, wee rodents like the one pictured here.

So Piggy and Tazzy sent the parcel off again by Royal Mail on October 10th. They were told it would take 5 working days to arrive in Canada. It’s just arrived now on November 27th. Way to go Royal Mail!!!

And who knows how much money they’ve spent on sending and resending these scratchings? A fortune! That’s all their fag money spent for the month.

Ingredients: Pork Rind, Pork Fat, Salt, Flavour Enhancer, Monosodium Glutamate, Hydrolysed Vegetable Protein, Rusk (Wheatflour, Salt), Dextrose, Colours, Paprika Extract, Ammonia Caramel.

Oh, and Piggy? Get ready to fork over even more cash as you owe Tazzy £10 for that bet on whether or not I’d like them. I do. (Once I got past the vomit-inducing stench of them.) They’re an acquired taste, and I’ve only eaten a few so far, but I didn’t spit ‘em out so you owe Tazzy £10.

And ta very much fellas!


  1. Piggy 'n' Tazzy3:41 AM, November 28, 2006


    At last!

  2. Good luck & hope you hold them down. I hate 'em. Get them to send you a pack of scampi fries - the smell is unbelievable.

  3. Tickers: I could regift them and see how long it takes for them to get to Wales.

    Piggy: And a special thank you for sealing the envelope with genuine poof spittle.

    And please take note of Frobi's suggestion ... scampi fries next please!

    Word Verification: icfPIGrw

  4. Forget the scratchin's from the Pigster and Co...look at that abomination of a head on that Pint O'Guinness.Exported piss obviously.

    It's white for fucks sake or was that your flash...please say it was?

    Real Guinness from Real Ireland has a creamy head,slightly beige in colour.

    Come to Ireland and I will treat you to a proper pint...philistine.

  5. Mmmmmm... Monosodium glutamate!

    I've got a monosodium glutamate recipe book!

  6. SID: It's brewed in Dublin and the head was indeed creamy and beige. Betcha it tastes better over there so...
    má ólann tú, go n-óla tú liom féin.

    IDV: You must have one hell of a headache.

  7. People in Tennessee cal them nabs. They are very enthusiastic about all pork products around here. I've never heard of that brand but with a name like Mr. Porky it's got to be good!

  8. Ya know, too much chlosterol will clog the arteries and lead to certain heart attack.

    I'd take this package as full on blatant war-fare and kick there asses as it is clear the wish your demise.

    now, get even.

    While I send them REAL faux chocolate like none other than the Americans can send!

  9. Pru: Nabs? I only know of nads.

    Awaiting: Death by pork fat. Mmmmm.

  10. "...has a creamy head,slightly beige in colour." Sounds like a nice, juicy spot SID.

    Pork Scratchings - YUK. You brave girl.

  11. Pissoff: I find that everything, including pork scratchings, goes down better with a creamy head.

  12. TazPig - I sincerely hope those are not the pggy scratches that we sent you. I wouldn't put it past you - cheapskate cunts.

    MJ - Another pigscratchy fan joins the ranks. Amen!

  13. Steve: The scratchings did taste a little stale. Cheap regifting cunts.

  14. Couldn't you just go down to the Pet store and get some of those dehydrated Pig's Ears to chew on?

    Love the seepage..
    gag..cough..I mean yummy!

    It is the thought that counts..
    and the proximity to the nearest Emergency Ward for a little colonic roto rootering.

  15. this looks yummy... can sent some for me?? hehe...

    opps... not pork are allowed to sent vis post in where I live :(

  16. Seepage & stainage...
    What more could a modern gal ask for?

  17. Wally: A good dry cleaner?