Sunday, December 03, 2017

Exclusive Suite Sale

Step right up, Bitches! Hurry down to our sales office!...


Be the first in line to book your suite in the new wing of the Infomaniac Villa of Queens Old Homosexuals' Haven Retirement Home!

Exclusive deal open only to Infomaniac Bitches, regardless of their sexual orientation. LGBTQIA! YAY!

Purchase your suite today and collect points on future purchases with the Infomaniac Shopping Network.

You don't have to be retired to take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime offer. Plan ahead!

Tell us which suite you want and what you're looking for in amenities.

Act now, while units last!

36 comments:

  1. A free bar and an easy houseboy, for starters.
    As for the suite, I'd like it to be soundproof - I have my reason. I'd also like a giant plasma screen AND, go faster stripes on my Zimmer frame. Thank you, I look forward to my welcome... oh, and can we do singing on Wednesdays?
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MISS SCARLET: I’ll need more information regarding exactly WHY you need soundproofing. It all sounds rather sinister.

      In the meantime, I’ve pimped your Zimmer frame.

      As for a giant plasma screen, there will be a TV set in the common area.

      Singing on Wednesdays? Yes, provided we can book the Infomaniac Orchestra to accompany you Bitches.

      Delete
  2. Well, someone's going to need a suite with a bit of extra "en" or at the very least, a room with a niche.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NORMA: What is “en?”

      The Mistress has been having difficulty deciphering acronyms lately.

      Delete
    2. Sorry doll, I barely watch all those HGTV shows, but all I ever seem to hear is "en-suite this" and "en-suite that." God forbid they say bathroom.

      Delete
    3. NORMA: Thanks for clarifying.

      One HGTV personality suggests installing an espresso machine in your ensuite bathroom. The Mistress’s mind was boggled and not in a good way.

      Delete
  3. I'm still far too young to even contemplate this...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. DINAHMOW: You’ll be sorry when the last suite gets snapped up and we raise the moat when we see you coming.

      Delete
  4. As long as this new wing has ceilings of normal height rather than those 5' 5" death-traps that Piggy installed in the original building, I don't mind which suite I'm in. Although, I would like a view of the docks, if possible...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MR. DeVICE: Of course, you’ll require a view of the docks to see when the fleets come in.

      You’ll still want a bit of pocket money in your old age.

      Delete
  5. First, a few questions:

    1. Are cats allowed?

    2. Are Paleo Tacos served in the cafeteria?

    3. Do I get my own newspaper? Norma always clips out the obituaries before I get to the copy provided in the Employee's Lounge.

    4. Are rubber sheets provided? I'm asking for "a friend."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LX: 1. Yes, this will be a cathouse, in more ways than one.

      2. Tacos of all sorts will be served in the Infomaniac Cafeteria.

      Taco-flavoured foods of all sorts will be on hand for Mr. Peenee.

      3. Newspapers will be provided and shared in the (not yet created) Infomaniac Library.

      Norma has first dibs on the obits but must photocopy them from now on.

      4. We have plenty of rubber sheets for “your friend,” left over from the last Crisco Party.

      Delete
  6. simple request here: great food, great wine/booze, great weed, and great music! where do i sign up? xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well, I'm not too picky, but I don't need a free loading, low hangers hanging around like that.

    A room with a view, gin and a fluffer will be all my requirements.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MISTRESS MADDIE: Would you like the suite closest to the Gincuzzi?

      Jeffery turned it down, earlier.

      Delete
  8. The room next to Cher's would be fine. As long as it's soundproofed. We could swap diamanté patterns for embellishing the commodes. Jx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JON: More soundproofing? What is it with you Bitches?

      Cher has a late-16th-century Chinese opium bed. I can picture the pair of you curled up on it, swapping stories late into the night.

      Delete
  9. Just a drain in the middle of the floor will do nicely.

    Norma, I'll caranuba wax your chassis, if ya ask nicely.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TESTOSTERONE: A drain?

      Are you planning to spill a lot of fluids?

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    3. NORMA: I don’t want your pubic hair clogging up the DRAIN.

      Delete
    4. Don't be silly, Norma has jars and jars of her pubic hairs. She's having a rug woven so she can impress at the Villa of Tired Old Queens.

      Delete
    5. TESTOSTERONE: “Villa of Tired Old Queens”…I’m liking THAT.

      Delete
  10. Is there a pool? I'd also like a view and soundproofing...walking distance to the bar and cafeteria would be a plus. A hot tub and sauna would be nice. And near an exit would be great, in case of emergencies or a police raid...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. EROS: Again with the soundproofing?

      Click here to see a photo of Infomaniac Bitches enjoying the pool.

      As for the hot tub, as you can see, Mr. DeVice seldom leaves it!

      Delete
  11. The way I see this Mj...no worries on the god damn soundproofing. Save the money on adult diapers. Most of these bitches will be deaf anyhow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MISTRESS MADDIE: There will be ear trumpets for all, especially Mr. Peenee.

      Delete
  12. If everyone else gets soundproofing I want it too. The frequently mentioned "easy houseboy" is also must. Finally, I demand to be up wind of all these gassy bitches. The Taco Cafeteria is probably going to blow any minute.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MR. PEENEE: Judging by your auditory issues (above) you won’t have any need for soundproofing.

      Nor will it be necessary to take an upwind suite as all adult diapers are charcoal-lined to absorb odours.

      Delete
  13. I should like the May of Teck Suite, please - a nice four-poster bed and a separate sitting room in which to host the rest of you rabble for proper teas-turning-into-cocktails. Soundproofing optional, although it might be a kindness to others, as the Mister and I both snore like locomotives...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MUSCATO: Finally. Someone who adds a bit of class to this establishment.

      Can we count on you for melancholy cabaret songs around the piano?

      Delete
  14. I would like 12 foot ceilings with tall French doors that open onto the garden, two fit house boys with loose morals available 24 hours, heavy drapes so I can sleep late and obviously soundproofing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAYWARD: There’s a suite overlooking the David Bowie statue in the Sculpture Garden that might suit you.

      If you Bitches really want soundproofing, I’ll install an Oubliette.

      Delete