Happy Hallowe'en, Bitches!

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Filthy Friday

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Have fun! It's Friday!

Scrotox

Are you tired of wrinkly, sweaty balls?



Botox in your scrotum = Scrotox.

Men looking to make their testicles appear larger as well as decrease sweating and wrinkling in the area are shelling out between $1,500 and $3,000 for botulism toxin injections done directly into the skin of the scrotum. As with all Botox, effects last for three to six months.

Now available at the Infomaniac Medical Clinic.

"How To" Questions Across America

How-To Questions Each State Googles More Frequently Than Any Other State...


Scroll down for larger images of this map or CLICK TO ENLARGE.

Using Google Autocomplete, Estately compiled hundreds of the most common how-to questions Americans type into the Google search bar. They then ran those searches through Google Trends to determine which state queried each of these selected searches the most over the past 5 years.

The list does not represent what each state Googles the most, it simply shows the searches each state Googles more frequently than the other 49 states and the District of Columbia.








Here is the complete list:

ALABAMA: How to draw a dog? / How to install laminate flooring? / How to play chess? / How to learn Spanish? / How to make love?

ALASKA: How to fish?

ARIZONA: How to make horchata? / How to use Skype? / How to call Mexico? / How to become a notary? / How to become a pilot? / How to fix a running toilet? / How to get skinny? / How to sell a house? / How to day drink? / How to join the Illuminati?

ARKANSAS: How to add fractions? / How to evolve Pokemon? / How to get rid of moles? / How to get rid of lice? / How to hack? / How to make cheese? / How to lower blood pressure? (tie w/ Mississippi) / How to make money? / How to reset iPhone? / How to be healthy? / How to come out?

CALIFORNIA: How to play “Stairway to Heaven”? / How to scare someone? / How to destroy a hard drive? / How to iron on patches? / How to play Dungeons and Dragons? / How to use dropbox? / How to use Github? / How to drive stick? / How to rig an election? / How to use hashtags? / How to use Reddit? / How to ruin everything? / How to spot a narcissist? / How to draw a circle? / How to build a time machine? / How to be a good boyfriend? / How to be a badass? / How to be a bartender? / How to be charming? / How to be good at math? / How to teleport? / How to be humble? / How to be invisible? / How to be vegan? / How to be rich? / How to stop global warming? / How to get your life together? / How to be an Uber driver? / How to convert to Islam? / How to join the KKK? / How to Crip Walk? / How to create change? / How to start a revolution? / How to jump rope? / How to troll? / How to get on Wheel of Fortune?

COLORADO: How to play backgammon? / How to grow marijuana? / How to compost? (tie w/Washington)

CONNECTICUT: How to be pretty?

DELAWARE: How to get away with murder?

DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA: How to negotiate salary (tie w/ Massachusetts) / How to tie a Windsor knot? / How to use Uber? / How to use Apple Pay? / How to use chopsticks?

FLORIDA: How to keep a man? / How to use Facebook Live? / How to be gay? (tie w/ Texas) / How to be more social? / How to do magic? / How to belly dance? / How to make money as a teenager? / How to donate blood? / How to become a lawyer? / How to get Obamacare? / How to get on The Voice? / How to change the world? / How to make jewelry? / How to break a lease? / How to get out of Florida?

GEORGIA: How to hotwire a car? / How to get rid of herpes? / How to crack a safe? / How to bleach jeans? / How to be a good girlfriend? / How to be a man? / How to be a woman? / How to get a divorce? / How to be kind? / How to be successful? / How to become a porn star? / How to become a stripper? / How to get food stamps? / How to make alcohol? / How to make meth? / How to grow up? / How to make love to a woman?

HAWAII: How to divide fractions? / How to get rid of acne (tie w/ Nevada) / How to invest? / How to be a ninja? / How to swim?

IDAHO: How to address a letter? / How to cook quinoa? (tie w/ Vermont) / How to cook rice? / How to draw? / How to register to vote?

ILLINOIS: How to jump a car? / How to be a superhero? / How to ask someone to prom? / How to sell Beanie Babies?

INDIANA: How to vote for Trump? / How to tie dye? / How to be popular? / How to be president? / How to Google something? / How to be different? / How to plan a wedding? / How to be free?

IOWA: How to screenshot? / How to throw a curveball / How to make Jello shots?

KANSAS: How to find Kansas?

KENTUCKY: How to grow a beard? / How to quit smoking? / How to talk dirty? / How to be a cop? / How to make a baby? / How to get a dog? / How to hunt? / How to get down? / How to make dumplings? / How to pass a drug test? (tie w/ Tennessee)

LOUISIANA: How to get rid of rats? / How to jailbreak? / How to jailbreak iPhone? / How to make bath bombs? / How to make goo? / How to pickle eggs? / How to dunk? / How to pray? / How to do the Harlem Shake? / How to play dominoes? / How to levitate?

MAINE: How to get rid of fruit flies? / How to knit? / How to use a compass?

MARYLAND: How to crab?

MASSACHUSETTS: How to quit your job? / How to use Tide Pods? / How to delete Tinder? / How to make donuts?

MICHIGAN: How to make elephant ears? / How to make beer? / How to quit drinking? / How to make a bong? / How to be a better person? / How to get unemployment? / How to make Jello?

MINNESOTA: How to quit a job? / How to quilt?

MISSISSIPPI: How to twerk? / How to lose belly fat? / How to lower blood pressure? (tie w/ Arkansas) / How to gain weight? / How to roll a blunt? / How to make a bomb? / How to get pregnant? / How to act? / How to get a job? / How to grow weed? / How to sew? / How to find god?

MISSOURI: How to raise chickens?

MONTANA: How to hard boil eggs?

NEBRASKA: How to quit smoking weed? / How to be gluten free? / How to join ISIS? / How to declare bankruptcy? / How to fly a plane?

NEVADA: How to get rid of acne (tie w/ Hawaii) / How to install Kodi? / How to make French toast / How to open a locker? / How to be a heartbreaker? / How to cure a hangover? / How to survive a zombie apocalypse? / How to buy a gun? / How to fight?

NEW HAMPSHIRE: How to fall asleep? / How to use Twitter? / How to tip cows?

NEW JERSEY: How to activate iPhone? / How to stop Trump? / How to rob a bank? / How to iron a shirt? / How to open a jar? / How to be funny? / How to beatbox? / How to deal with anger? / How to hoverboard? / How to become famous? / How to be confident? / How to get ripped? / How to juggle? / How to make it in America? / How to control anxiety?

NEW MEXICO: How to draw a rose? / How to be emo? / How to ask a girl out? / How to put on a condom?

NEW YORK: How to ask for a raise? / How to give yourself a hickey? / How to use Bitcoin? / How to use dry shampoo? / How to use Tinder? / How to live forever? / How to be a boss? / How to be good in bed? / How to stop being a loser? / How to stop being lazy? / How to explain mansplaining? / How to get revenge?

NORTH CAROLINA: How to run for president? / How to be awesome? / How to be cool? / How to be normal? / How to get Viagra? / How to play angry birds? / How to make money blogging? / How to do CPR? / How to learn French? / How to plant a garden?

NORTH DAKOTA: How to boil eggs? / How to get a passport?

OHIO: How to get rid of raccoons? / How to overclock CPU? / How to tell if someone likes you? / How to spray tan? / How to impeach a president? / How to prevent kidney stones? / How to ask a boy out? / How to pay off student loans? / How to ask someone to homecoming? / How to make memes? / How to make fire? / How to buy a home?

OKLAHOMA: How to eat fried worms? / How to whistle? / How to smoke ribs? / How to sext?

OREGON: How to hack wifi? / How to make floral arrangements?

PENNSYLVANIA: How to use Pinterest? / How to get a cat? / How to make Halloween costumes? / How to get drunk? / How to defeat ISIS? / How to buy a condo? / How to write a novel?

RHODE ISLAND: How to make money selling drugs? / How to roll a joint? / How to screenshot on Mac? / How to screenshot on a PC? / How to make an igloo?

SOUTH CAROLINA: How to get rid of cockroaches? / How to improve credit score? / How to tie a bowtie? / How to be yourself?

SOUTH DAKOTA: How to be single? / How to make slime? / How to tie a tie? / How to use snapchat?

TENNESSEE: How to make extra money? / How to use Facebook? / How to get on TV? / How to grow tomatoes? / How to pass a drug test? (tie w/ Kentucky)

TEXAS: How to bathe a cat? / How to get bigger lips? / How to spell 40? / How to spell 90? / How to get rid of bedbugs? / How to make gak? / How to use bronzer? / How to be romantic? / How to make a pipe bomb? / How to hold a baby? / How to grow a beard fast? / How to be a better wife? / How to be a better husband? / How to be gay? (tie w/ Florida) / How to become a Jedi? / How to be on top? / How to be valedictorian? / How to play clarinet? / How to graduate high school? / How to read minds? / How to sell your soul? / How to clean a gun?

UTAH: How to attack in Pokemon Go? / How to catch Pokemon? / How to edit a PDF? / How to kiss? / How to make friends? / How to register to vote online? / How to start a blog? / How to train your dragon? / How to tell if a girl likes you? / How to tell if a boy likes you? / How to tie a noose? / How to use Excel? / How to be happy? / How to fix a zipper? / How to orgasm? / How to win friends and influence people? / How to dance? / How to camp? / How to make paper? / How to flirt? / How to sell a house?

VERMONT: How to cook quinoa? (tie w/ Idaho) / How to kayak? / How to move to Canada?

VIRGINIA: How to propose? / How to irritate people?

WASHINGTON: How to bake salmon? / How to cook a wolf? / How to use a french press? / How to eat a fig? / How to be hot? / How to dab? / How to make hard cider? / How to compost? (tie w/ Colorado) / How to survive an earthquake?

WEST VIRGINIA: How to French braid? / How to get rid of fleas? / How to get rid of ants? / How to lose weight? / How to last longer in bed / How to play Pokemon? / How to make money online? / How to make money fast? / How to play guitar? / How to delete Facebook? / How to make moonshine?

WISCONSIN: How to impeach a governor? / How to farm? / How to retire?

WYOMING: How to battle in Pokemon Go? / How to play Pokemon Go?

Back on Tuesday

The Mistress is busy, multitasking...


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She is not particularly good at it, are you?

Back on Tuesday.

Filthy Friday on Thursday

Supporter Wilt

Wednesday night is the third and final presidential debate.



And this many days until the election.

Are you suffering from Supporter Wilt?

Dirty Laundry

If your undergarments could talk, what would they say about you?

VD Hall of Fame

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Is your photo here?

Have Your Say Day

It's "Have Your Say Day" here on Infomaniac.



After having talked at length about herself in the previous post, The Mistress thinks it's time you took over the place and talk about whatever is on your mind.

Fuck You, Trump!

A message from The Mistress to Donald Trump and any man or woman who exhibits sexually predatory behaviour:



If you are not my lover or my doctor, hands off my pussy!!!

The Mistress has spoken.

For much more eloquently spoken comments, read part of Michelle Obama's remarks here.

Thank you, Michelle Obama, for your powerful, impassioned words.




What is sexual assault?

Sexual assault is a crime of power and control. The term sexual assault refers to sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim. Some forms of sexual assault include:

Penetration of the victim’s body, also known as rape.

Attempted rape.

Forcing a victim to perform sexual acts, such as oral sex or penetrating the perpetrator’s body.

Fondling or unwanted sexual touching.

Why, you ask, is The Mistress so riled up about sexual assault? The Mistress encourages you to read the following violations against her person that occurred during her teenage years. This list, which only includes a handful of incidents, all occurred BEFORE the age of 20!

Why didn't she go to the authorities? It was an era when sexual assault was not talked about as openly as it is today. Many women were not believed if they stepped forward with complaints. Those who did press charges were raked over the coals in a court of law. Remember, there were no documentaries on TV to educate the public about sexual assault. No social media campaigns. No celebrities coming forward to tell their stories in the media.

A partial list of sexual assault incidents committed on The Mistress from age 12-19:

Age 12-14: Repeatedly sexually assaulted by a man in his late 20s. The Mistress prefers not to elaborate other than to say that she hopes he dies a slow and painful death.

Age 16: The Mistress lands her first job. The boss corners her each time she walks into the stock room, pushing her against the wall, forcing his tongue down her throat and fondling her breasts. The Mistress did not know anything about workplace sexual harassment. She quit her job rather than seek legal aid.

Age 16: Raped by an ex-boyfriend. Why didn't The Mistress report him? Because she was told that sexual assault by an ex-boyfriend did not constitute rape because of their sexual history together.

Age 16: Middle of winter. Having a drink with a male acquaintance in a bar. Refused his sexual advances. While in the ladies' room, the man hid her winter parka. He refused to give it back unless she would agree to sex with him. She refused to have sex but couldn't ask for help from the bar staff because she was underage and afraid she would get in trouble. She had to walk home in the freezing cold without a coat. Thankfully, next day, when The Mistress described what happened to her to a male friend, the friend confronted the man and retrieved her coat for her.

Age 17: The Mistress had too much to drink at a party, asked the host (a good friend) if she could "sleep it off" in his bed, and he agreed. Another party-goer sneaked upstairs, and attempted to rape her. She was able to fight him off by saying she was about to vomit.

Age 19: The Mistress, now a university student, is visiting the home of a fellow student. He is interested in her and she is intrigued by him but wants to get to know him better before so much as kissing him. After a short time talking, he made strong sexual advances which The Mistress rejected, and said she wanted to return to her dorm on campus. While in the bathroom, he hid The Mistress's shoes and she was forced to walk back to the dorm (about a half hour walk) barefoot.

Age 19: The Mistress leaves her university dorm room to brush her teeth in the communal washroom, leaving her door unlocked. She returned to find a fellow student on her bed. He forced her onto the bed, tried to remove her clothes, and tried to rape her. The Mistress was able to stop him, following a heated struggle. This man is now a politician.

NOTE: The above incidents, and many more, occurred while The Mistress was a teenager, before she turned 20. After the age of 20, incidents would continue to occur but The Mistress had learned a thing or two by this time and was able to defend herself.

But let's give you an idea of just one of the typical behaviours The Mistress experienced past the age of 20. The Mistress would be walking along the street, minding her own business. Men would swerve up to the curb in their cars, masturbating vigorously while ogling her. Isolated incident? No. This sort of thing happened numerous times.

As mentioned previously, this was just a partial list of sexual assault incidents.

End of personal account.

Donald Trump, hoping this will all go away, said, "I will not allow the Clinton machine to turn our campaign into a discussion of their slanders and lies, but will remain focused on the issues facing the American people."

But I say to you, Donald Trump, and all your supporters, sexual assault is an issue.

In closing, a quote from Michelle Obama: “I know it’s a campaign, but this isn’t about politics. It’s about basic human decency. It’s about right and wrong. And we simply cannot endure this, or expose our children to this any longer—not for another minute, and let alone for four years. Now is the time for all of us to stand up and say enough is enough. This has got to stop right now.”

Yodelling Pickles and Hopping Lederhosen

It all started many years ago when The Mistress purchased Wind-Up Hopping Lederhosen...



Simply wind it up and watch these Bavarian trousers hop all over.

It's one of my favourite things, ever. But the fun doesn't end there. Oh no, it does not.

The next step in hopping lederhosen research & development was the Remote Controlled, Hopping, Yodelling Lederhosen...



With a remote control shaped like a knackwurst, this product will knock you out.

Demonstration here...



Your head will explode when you see what they came up with next...

A Yodelling Pickle...



Yes! A pickle that yodels at the press of a button.

You've never had so much fun with six and a half inches of plastic!

Demo here...



With Christmas coming, you may want to add a Lucky Yodelling Christmas Pickle Ornament to your wish list. It's equipped with a motion detector that unleashes a yodel...



All these products and oh, SO MUCH MORE are available at The Mistress's favourite store: Archie McPhee in Seattle.

Victoria

Missing Downton Abbey? Ready for a new period piece? Try VICTORIA...



Series One focuses on the early life of Queen Victoria, from her accession to the throne at the tender age of 18 through to her courtship and marriage to Prince Albert.

The series has done well in the ratings in the U.K., and has been renewed for a second season.

For you American Bitches, Victoria will be broadcast Sunday nights, starting January 15, 2017 on PBS.

Trailer...



Beautiful titles music written by Martin Phipps with vocals by The Mediaeval Baebes...



Not convinced this show is for you? Check out the men and of course,
click to enlarge...





Yes, we thought so.

Thanksgiving

It's Thanksgiving in Canada and The Mistress is enjoying her favourite kind of guests...



Imaginary guests.

Your Garden Pics!

Presenting the SIXTH ANNUAL INFOMANIAC GARDEN PHOTOS EVENT!



Before we get started, note that it is imperative to CLICK TO ENLARGE many of these photos! My blog's margins cannot show the full beauty and scope of these photos without clicking to embigify.

Moving right along...

LX in Texas, U.S.A.:

Wild Onion (Allium canadense) plants along Onion Creek near Austin, Texas. Note ingratiating Canada reference!...



Did I win yet?
(Editor's note: "No.")

JON in London, England:

It has been quite a flower-ful year here at Dolores Delargo Towers, with (thankfully for once) a generally warm Summer.

We began with a rather dull and miserable early Spring, which meant the herbaceous plants took a long time to show themselves.

But once the sun did begin to shine, everything bloomed magnificently! From daffs, snowdrops, violas, anemones, chionodoxa and wallflowers...




...through delphiniums, geraniums, centaurea, polemonium, kniphofia, alliums, lobelia, heliotrope, aquilegias, lilies and foxgloves...





...to the full flush of crocosmia, dahlias, salvias, cobaea, cleome, verbena, nicotiana, coreopsis, phlox, monarda, ipomoea and penstemons, most of which will keep on flowering till winter.



We also went mad on fuchsias this year, and have now amassed a collection of thirty varieties (gulp)...



Oh, yes - and we have discovered that we have a Drag Queen Fox, who left us this buried in the middle of the flower bed in March!



Apart from that - it's been stunning.


MR. DeVICE at Castle DeVice in Norfolk, England:

After much hand-wringing, I managed to whittle down my collection to two photos:

A somewhat blurry panoramic shot of the back garden (except the south aspect as it's just a fence) because I remember lamenting last year that I hadn't any photos of the whole garden...



...and a shot of the pots and border next to the house (ruined by a Cedplop, as usual)...



I've no photos of the front as it's mostly driveway and lawn (yawn), although, when the light's right, one can still see sequins glittering in the gravel from Dame Shirley Bassey's uninvited visit!


MISS SCARLET in Devon, England:

Okay, so perhaps this isn't my garden! This is an RHS garden (Royal Horticultural Society) which is just down the road from me... so it may as well be my garden. Sadly, my garden is now passed its best, which was long ago in 2010, long before I even lived here...




EROSWINGS in Texas, U.S.A.:

This is Sweet Potato Chip, the sweet potato that I found germinating in my cupboard in April of this year. It was one of two sweet potatoes left over from a bag of sweet potatoes that I had bought during the Holidays.



I thought that I had used them all at the end of January, but two had rolled to the back of the cupboard, where they slowly germinated in the dark until I was cleaning out the bottom cupboards in April.

Long story short. I planted them in mulch (just mulch) in plastic buckets. One died, but Chip survived. It is a miracle as I am the Grim Reaper of plants. I am a plant killer. Chip is the first plant that I've ever successfully grown for more than a month! All other plants (including cacti & aloes) had died after three weeks.

What's more amazing, Chip survived three weeks of high winds that threatened to break its stem, recovered from a devastating pest infestation of three caterpillars that ate most of its leaves & killed LL Bean (the pinto bean I tried to grow), & endured a drought that baked the landscape brown, dead, & dry.

Chip is a survivor, & is living proof that even a clueless plant killer like me can grow plants! My farming family would be shocked to learn that I can actually grow plants!


MR. PEENEE in San Francisco, California, U.S.A.:

Sorry to be so laggard, but I've been terribly distracted by the muscular youth over at Chaturbate. As Mitzi, from Clutter from the Gutter, said "It's like Sodom and Gomorah up in there."

The lovely tall pink flower that looks so much like hollyhocks, is, in fact, a California native mallow...



The charming tiny coral flowers are Rain Lilies...



Typical of the shaggy nature of my yard, the buddelia had a big season this spring...



The coleus were just filler for a blank space, but have done so well they seem to have turned into permanent tenants...




PRINCESS in south-east Australia:

"I think I was quite lucky to snap these shots in the 5 minutes of sunshine between downpours of rain but then I discovered that most of the garden was by then in shade anyway. Never mind. At least you can see that the Empress and I have been busy getting the place ready for MJ's photo shoot!"

Back yard rose garden....



Fernery with fishpond...


Orchid...


Wisteria...


NORMADESMOND in Minnesota, U.S.A.:

Norma's garden mascot...


And Norma's gardening ensemble...


That's it, Bitches! As we clean up our plots for next year's Garden Event...



...we here at Infomaniac thank you for showing off your beautiful plants and flowers. Same time, same place in 2017!

1973

The year? 1973...


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Click to enlarge photo for maximum 1970s experience.

Coming Soon - The Big Reveal!

Are you ready to reveal what you've got?...



The Sixth Annual Infomaniac Garden Photos Event is coming soon! Visit us on Thursday to see everyone's garden pics.