Friday, February 06, 2009

Memo to the UK from Canada

Memo to the UK from Canada regarding your recent “snowfall”:


Beast shoveling a light dusting of snowflakes

You know nothing of snow. Try a winter in Canada, why don’t you?

Did you know that Canadians learn how to snowshoe before they learn how to walk? It’s true!

Photo of snowshoes provided for ignorant Brits who have never seen nor heard of such a thing. You strap them onto your feet and can actually walk effortlessly on top of gigantic Canadian snowdrifts.

In fact, babies born in Canada during the winter are strapped into tiny snowshoes on their way home from the hospital lest they fall out of their mother’s arms and into a snowbank on the journey.

Meanwhile, in the UK, you tremble at the sight of ever-so-frightening GIANT SNOWBALLS...

Highways officials were called to remove this giant snowball. It is believed it was the head of a giant snowman.

And who could miss THIS headline from the BBC?...

Snowballs prompt 500 calls to 999

Incidents involving snowballs prompted members of the public to make more than 500 emergency 999 calls to police in Nottinghamshire.

A force spokeswoman said some of the snowball-related calls were genuine emergencies and incidents.

However she said some were of a trivial nature that did not warrant the use of an emergency call to police.

Officers have reminded members of the public to only dial 999 for genuine emergencies.

You poor shivering, slip-sliding British personages.

So Who Ya Gonna Call?

On Monday afternoon, BBC Radio 4 called up Winnipeg Mayor Sam Katz to ask how Manitoba's capital manages to clear snow when London can't.

Yes, you British toffs had to turn to the professionals…CANADIANS, THAT’S WHO!

Ms. Nations (in Washington State) having a laugh at the Brits expense…and rightly so, we might add

Let’s ask Ms. Nations (An American but nonetheless wise in the ways of snow…she’s Aborignalish after all) what SHE thinks of snow in the UK, shall we?...

HA I say. You think that is snow? That was BULLSHIT!!! That was WEAK!! That was buttercream fricken' frosting! Away with your so called snow which has the brain of a duck you know! HA UPON YOUR GARDEN SNOWINGS I HAVING LAUGH!!!! you get 7 ft. snowdrifts and winos frozen to the pavement in their own piss then I'll grant you some damn snow. until then go boil your bottom you silly englisher person.

...yes. I have JEERED YOUR SNOW.

yes I have.

...I did.

your snow is pathetic.

British Infomaniac readers (names withheld) keeping their spirits (and their man boobs) up

In closing, we, the people of Canada would like to say:

Get a grip, UK. It’ll all be over soon.


  1. Bare Beast ass. Giant balls. Humongous Gazoombas (male and female.) I’m going to have sweet dreams tonight.

    Oh yeah, and it’s supposed to be in the 50’s this weekend here, so all the ice and snow on my Canadian facing deck might actually melt. I’m not counting on it though. Damn sissy brits.

  2. It's a good thing it's a light dusting of snow! Otherwise the snow angel's snowglobes would get frostbitten and he'd up singing soprano in the choir.

  3. ***pulls straps tight on MJ's straightjacket**
    There There my ranting colonial minx . I will just put on your favourite Celine Dion selection to see if that calms you down

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  5. yes but my ankles are really really cold.....sake

  6. We're never happy unless we have something to moan about...

  7. HOODCHICK: Enjoy the glory while it lasts.

    EROS: The words “Beast” and “Angel” have no business in the same word picture together.

    MAGO: Canadians…You can’t stop thinking about us, can you?

    BEAST: Ranting Colonial minx?

    Mistress MJ is simply stating the facts.

    Now get indoors before the banana up your bottom freezes into a popsicle.

    DAISY: That was a lower case “lol” so we’re not convinced you’re amused.

    MANUEL: As long as your sweet sugarloaf is warm and toasty.

    SCARLET: Ain’t that the truth!

  8. BITCHES: One more thing...

    Canadian men write their names in the snow...with their pee!

    Mistress MJ knows you Brits want to try it.


  9. hey, so do american men! and american women, as a matter of fact! its true! we're just a nation of literate urinators! show us some snow and we're ready to go! in fact last time it snowed everyone in town got together and had a haiku comptetition. it damn near killed old mrs. gimball, but she finished her 5-7-5 like the bave soldier she is, with a gleam in her eye and snow up her shenanigans!


  10. NATIONS: Beast informs us that there is a fresh snowfall in Bournemouth.

    Yet he refuses to write his name in the snow with his pee.

    Make him do it.

  11. Ha Ha HA too late its all melted again now

  12. BEAST: Is it melted because you peed on it?

  13. OK OK OK, I admit it, I am weak, pathetic and spineless. A little flurry of snow has completely fucked me off and I can't wait for global warming to kick in properly.
    My suggestion to you Canucks is MOVE!

  14. TOM: Is that an invitation to move onto your farm?

    Because I would like to ride your horse.

    No, that is not a euphemism.

  15. It's sleeting now. I bet you don't get sleet!

    I'm going to walk into work on Monday when we're due a few more inches. 15 miles through Antarctic conditions! I'm going to strap tennis racquets to my feet!

  16. GEOFF: Ha! We get sleet, FREEZING RAIN, snow squalls, snow flurries, blizzards, black ice, HOARfrost…


    We have a wind chill factor!

  17. This outburst of National Pride melted my heart.

    Nations is lookin' mighty fine..but I can't seem to remember a word she said..yessirree mighty fine.

    A carefully balanced examination which will no doubt refresh the short memories of the Brits and remind them why they nancied back to the OLD world in those adorable little red tunics with the fancy schmancy epilettes.

    *starts singing D'oh Canada

  18. Admirable, if there's nothing else than snow - make the best from it, snow-pride-parade for example.

  19. It would be churlish to suggest that someone who displays so much pride in their compatriots being able to stand up when there is 12 feet of snow should consider what kind of fuckwits live in a place with that climate. And I would certainly never be the one to suggest that Canada is where we sent the rejects. Not quite as bad as the religious loonies in that place to the south, but not really suited to our culture.
    I fought my way to work on Monday, despite the worst conditions on the roads for nearly 20 years, but you don't find me boasting about it.

  20. DONN: This outburst of National Pride melted my heart.

    If you’re so hot you’re melting, take off your shirt, Wood Choppin’ Coppens!

    MAGO: Besides our ability to walk atop snowbanks, Canadians are proud of our skill of making love in a canoe without tipping.

    VICUS: I fought my way to work on Monday, despite the worst conditions on the roads for nearly 20 years, but you don't find me boasting about it.

    Good for you, you bog-snorkelling, cheese-rolling, Horlicks-drinking, Spotted Dick-munching POM.

  21. Is bog snorkeling an Olympic sport?

    Like Donn, I am quite pleased with the show of Canuckistanian pride...

    And being a Feb. babe meant I was walking on snow straight out of the womb.

    Plus I can walk on water in the winter... let's see you Brits do that!

  22. "making love in a canoe without tipping"

    ... British heritage? I can assure you, that is not the Franconian way. We drown with a smile.

  23. Kudos to MJ for actually finding the Canadish can do........offer advic on snow!

    We bow before you, for your weather is colder than ours.

    *wanders away muttering about 'those fucking colonials'*

  24. Hello fellow Canuck Ponita!

    *ignores jealous Franconian and mong-faced Brit*