Beast is Back

We interrupt the Seventh Annual Infomaniac Garden Photos Event to report that BEAST is back...



But you probably already knew that, based on the stench of rancid chickpea curry.

He's at least managed to launder his stinky duvet, which is a start...



Why has he been away for so long? It appears that Beast was dealing for a couple of years with medical professionals...



Poor Mr. Beastie has endured bladder cancer, operations, chemo, and a nasty tumour named Brian.

Thankfully, everything has been sorted and he's back with us again. I can't believe I said "thankfully" but there you have it. I may have missed him, a little. And even more miraculously, he's posted twice this week!!!

If you haven't already done so, pop over to Beastliness and leave a comment or introduce yourself if you haven't already had the "pleasure" of meeting him. He's taking calls...



In other news, another Brian in the form of a wicked storm is about to hit our friends in the U.K., including Mr Beastie!...



Batten down the hatches, British Bitches!

Birthday Blowout!

We are celebrating the birthdays of THREE Infomaniac Bitches...



Mitzi (Sunday, May 19)
kabuki zero (Monday, May 20)
Beast (Monday, May 20)

Happy birthday, ladies!!!

NOTE: If you're wondering why we're posting their birthday greetings in advance it's because the deadline for The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition is on Sunday and Mistress MJ must be on alert to announce the winner.

Beauty and the Beast

Happy birthday to kabuki zero; our beauty…

And happy birthday to Mr. Beastie; our beast…

How is it possible these two were born on the same day?

MistressMobile Update

Following months of test-driving applicants for the new MistressMobile, we are pleased to announce a successful candidate.

Beast (seen above undergoing training by Mistress MJ and Miss Scarlet) is the new MistressMobile.

Note: Mistress MJ regrets that she cannot spend much time on commenting, visiting blogs, etc., for the rest of the week (training Beast takes up most of her time!) but she will pop in and out when time permits.

DOUBLE Birthday Happiness!

Mistress MJ is thrilled to host a double birthday party as both Beast and kabuki zero celebrate their birthdays on May 20th.

Let’s get started by wishing Beast a happy FIFTIETH birthday!..

He’s still young at heart as you can see from the photo above.

As you know, Beast loves bananas so we couldn’t think of a better 50th birthday gift than a mountain of bananas…

Enjoy them, Beast!

They’re much more nutritious than your usual diet…

[via]

Not only is Beast celebrating his 50th birthday, Beast is also the current winner of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts.

We’ll let you know when he hosts the next big Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Competition so that you, too, can be a winner.

In fact, I think he’s working on a post right now!...

Oh no, it turns out he’s just working on his memoir.

Random Beast quotation from his upcoming autobiography…

“I once had to pee in a plastic cup when stuck in a hidious traffic jam in a tunnel for 4 hours on the M25.I had to keep stopping and emptying the steaming contents out the window so we didnt have an overflow situation.”

We’ll have more from this exciting page-turner at a later date.

But now we shine the spotlight upon that Goddess of the Desert Empire, our blooming Desert Rose…kabuki zero…

Happy birthday, kabooks!

Of course, you remember kabuki as the winner of the How Not to Decorate Competition.

I want to leave that chapter of my life behind me

And so you shall, kabuki, now that we present you with a beautiful Herculon La-Z-Boy Reclina-Rocker with built-in stain release…

We here at Infomaniac have included a few words from the kabuki Book of Life (sixteen weeks on the bestseller list); words that may help you in your journey…

“i have tossed off my melancholy, and am ready to kick lifes' ass. Put a prince cd in the boombox, hand me something wet (in a glass, please) and step back. Or step off, just move out of the way. Cuz if you don't - there will be serious windburns on your ass. I said ass twice already, must be ass season. and don't make me break my foot off in your ass. especially if i am wearing my silver snake-skin cha-cha pumps.”

Wasn’t that inspirational? Who needs Oprah?

“Don’t hate me because I’m blessed with looks, brains and talent. some people are fabulous, and others have fabulous thrust upon them. kabuki has both. TA-DA!”

And there you have it, Bitches.

Two incredible Infomaniac bitches born on the same day.

Fate has delivered them to our doorstep on a silver cake server…

Happy Birthday Beast and kabuki zero!!!

Now everybody help yourselves to the vodka fountain! And CAKE!

Note: For more Beast birthday fun, visit Inexplicable DeVice and Miss Scarlet.

While You’re Waiting

Mistress MJ is busy preparing your Pussies and Bitches post.

Here’s a nice photo, in the meantime, of Beast and his doggie…

Where’s Beast?

It’s been several days since we’ve heard from our friend Beast.

Good news! I found him wandering the halls in his vest…

Beauty Meets Beast

QUESTION: Which bloggers have you met in person?

Our Miss Scarlet met Beast and Mr. Frobisher on New Year’s Eve at Café C in Dorchester!

[via]
Miss Scarlet with Beast

You can read all about it here and here.

But in the meantime tell us which bloggers you’ve met in the flesh.

A Bit of Hoovering Up

For those wondering why we haven’t heard from our friend Beast for a few days, don’t fret.

He just has a bit of tidying up to do and then he’ll be straight over…

You know how he likes his crevice tool!

I’m Back, Bitches!

Mistress MJ was shocked to discover Infomaniac in shambles following her absence.

She is particularly upset with Beast who thought it amusing to dance about the premises with Mistress MJ’s panties on his head…

It was also uncovered that Beast had rigged a catapult out of one of Mistress MJ’s bras and had been firing peanuts and cheese puffs into the crowd and that you ALL participated in the madness.

As a result of your unruliness, Mistress MJ is unplugging the vodka fountain.

Let that be a lesson to you.

We Have a Winner!

It was a tight race but the winner of the Fast Cheap and Out of Control deluxe back seat air freshener (by one vote!) is BEAST!

MISS JANEY was a strong contender, what with her actually living up to the title of Fast Cheap and Out of Control with her stint in prison. That and the fact that her car stinks of dog, big time.

It’s really no surprise that BEAST walked away with this prize as he is notorious for his poor hygiene habits and distinctive aroma. And, of course, his famous “stinky duvet”.

Frobisher, who knows Beast personally, summed it up thusly…

“Its a toughie - but it has to be Beast - i have been in his car, and he slows right down when coming to corners.”

Here, once again, is Beast’s winning entry…

Ma Beasties chickpea curry is the least of it. If Frobisher has been sneackily feeding Mr C's hell hounds with some dodgy old franfurters he found cheap at a car boot sale , Lloyd sounds like deflating bag pipes in the back of the car and there is a not so delicate hint of bowel in the air , you can see people sniffing and checking their shoes when we stop at traffic lights....its embarrassing. AND if Mr C has been eating KFC you spark up a fag at your peril

****KABOOOOM*****

One wonders what Beast will do with his prize air freshener.

We suggest affixing it to his underpants…

Yes, folks. These are an actual pair of Beast’s underpants. Don't believe me? Then click here. I think you can see what we’re dealing with here.

Additionally, Beast might be counseled to attach the prize air freshener to a previous prize that he won … The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts!...

That is if Miss Scarlet and Mistress MJ don’t confiscate The Shorts first with their evil conspiracy.

Thanks to everyone who participated in the Fast Cheap and Out of Control Contest!

Let’s have another competition soon, shall we?

Vote - Fast, Cheap and Out of Control

The choice has come down to Beast or Miss Janey in our Fast Cheap and Out of Control Contest.

We shall ask you to vote for either BEAST or MISS JANEY as the worthy recipient of the Fast Cheap and Out of Control air freshener.

But first, a little background on each of our contestants' entries…

BEAST needs this air freshener primarily to cover up his stench whereas MISS JANEY needs this air freshener because she lives up to the phrase “Fast Cheap and Out of Control”…plus there’s a bit of an odour factor with her as well.

You be the judges.

BEAST

Beast’s entry needs a bit of explaining for those of you who (luckily) don’t know him well or if you are American and haven’t the foggiest what he’s going on about. We have thoughtfully provided a glossary as explanation before we present his entry:

Ma Beasties Chickpea Curry: A pungent gastric-disorder-inducing culinary dish created by Beast’s mum and served up at the Café C where Beast is an employee.

Frobisher: An Infomaniac Bitch, friend of Beast, and drag artiste (aka Mavis Boyle of the famed “Crap Bingo With Mavis” Cabaret Night at Café C).

Mr. C.: Domineering, slave-driving proprietor of Café C. Makes Beast’s life a misery.

Mr. C’s hell hounds: Mr. C’s dogs, Alfie and Lloyd. Beast is frequently called upon to dogsit Alfie and Lloyd and chauffeur them about in his car.

Lloyd: One of Mr. C’s dogs.

Dodgy: Brit slang for “suspicious” or “shady”.

Car boot sale: British equivalent of an outdoor flea market. Brits sell their wares from out of their car “boots” (trunks).

Spark up a fag: Brit-talk for “light up a cigarette”.

And now (finally), BEAST’s entry in the contest is as follows:

Ma Beasties chickpea curry is the least of it. If Frobisher has been sneackily feeding Mr C's hell hounds with some dodgy old franfurters he found cheap at a car boot sale , Lloyd sounds like deflating bag pipes in the back of the car and there is a not so delicate hint of bowel in the air , you can see people sniffing and checking their shoes when we stop at traffic lights....its embarrassing. AND if Mr C has been eating KFC you spark up a fag at your peril

****KABOOOOM*****

MISS JANEY

Miss Janey, it turns out, really lives up to the title “Fast Cheap and Out of Control”.

We recommend that you read her posts about her prison ordeal (a tale of drugs, drunkenness, reckless driving, a Madam recruiting prostitutes, a hooker with a speech impediment, the best places to find johns, crack addicts, fierce hair and five dollar blow jobs) before casting your final vote.

Here is her entry…

Miss J is inordinately competitive in contests because she feels like she never wins them. So she's comin' out strong & wrong here. What better proof of being fast cheap and out of control than having spent time in jail?

http://missjaneys.blogspot.com/search/label/the%20hoosegow

Also, Miss J's car stinks of dog, big time.

So you decide, bitches.

Who should win the Fast Cheap and Out of Control deluxe back seat air freshener?

BEAST? Or MISS JANEY?

Vote now, bitches!

Operation Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts

The phones are ringing off the hook since Beast published this flight of fancy.

As you can see, Miss Scarlet simply can not keep up with the calls…

We here at super secret crime organisation Sphincter 
Infomaniac Headquarters, deny any knowledge of the whereabouts of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts.

Nor will we confirm or deny that Miss Scarlet is "sending secret messages to her watching minions by flashing semaphore with her tartan knickers".

That being said, we have reason to believe that Miss Scarlet is being followed…

[via]

En route to The Plaid Room...

No good can come of all this.

The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Conspiracy

As you know, Beast won The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts and they’ll soon be winging their way back to England.

But Miss Scarlet has other ideas.

Here we see Miss Scarlet and Mistress MJ conspiring on how to intercept The Shorts and keep them out of Beast’s hands…

[via]

On the Canadian end of things, Mistress MJ will try employing hawks to halt the mail delivery from Canada to England.

Failing that, Miss Scarlet intends to nick The Shorts as they flap in the breeze on Beast’s clothesline.

There is talk of taking the kidnapped Shorts to Buckingham Palace.

While Miss Scarlet and I are scheming, let’s have a look at Beast’s winning caption for The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition.

Here’s the original photo that Donn posted and asked us to caption…

And now here’s Beast’s impressive handiwork...

If Old Knudsen were King and Miss Mj were Queen!

Congratulations, Beast.

But don’t set your hopes high in actually ever having The Shorts in your possession.

Those of you interested in furthering Miss Scarlet's evil plan to intercept The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts may submit your suggestions for our consideration.

Fruit Platter

By now you’ve all seen what our friend Beast does when presented with a tempting fruit platter…



And we say fine. Each to his own. Who amongst us is without quirks? A show of hands will suffice. (Follow the rules laid out in “Hand Don'ts”)

But the line must be drawn somewhere and Beast has overstepped the boundaries of good taste and decency by force-feeding poor Miss Scarlet from a “gently used” fruit platter collected from the grimy back kitchen of Café C…


[via]

While we’re on the subject of food-related crimes, it’s no secret that Beast was recently discovered rubbing himself vigorously with a scone. We were enjoying a lovely cream tea only to find Beast committing the previously unheard of and undocumented act of “scone frottage.” We have no further comment at this time.

Mojo Risin’

Mistress MJ has regained her blogging mojo thanks to the many Infomaniac bitches who left comments or emailed following the loss of our long-time Infomaniac bitch, Mr. Mutley.

And those of you who posted a little something for Mistress MJ on your blogs…I refer to XL and Beast.

XL:



You are all familiar with XL: Infomaniac Official Pillow Fluffer and Personal IT Consultant to Mistress MJ.

XL went far beyond the call of duty by test-driving (at great expense) new pillows for Mistress MJ.

As XL’s reward, Mistress MJ plans to spend a day fluffing his pillows for a change.

Read about XL's adventures in pillow testing here.


BEAST:



And then there’s Beast…the cheeky bugger.

In an attempt to, and I quote, “join me in wishing Mistress MJ a speedy return to her Mojo,” Beast had the nerve to post about Mistress MJ’s beaver!

And some nonsense about a “manglewurzel” which is, I suspect, something imaginary made up to confuse us Colonials.

Read more here.


Note: A special thank you to Miss Scarlet, who can always be relied upon to keep the uppity Beast in his place when Mistress MJ is at her wits end.

Happy Birthday, Beast!

In celebration of long-time Infomaniac bitch Beast’s birthday, let’s find out a little more about him, shall we?


Beast spots some camel toe whilst out shopping for crumpets

OCCUPATION:

Disgruntled kitchen slave at the Café C in Dorchester, England; run by the tyrannical Mr. C.

RESIDENCE:

A convalescent home in Bournemouth.

HOBBIES:

Waiting for his letters to be published on Dear Deidre’s problem page.

LIKES:

Attention-seeking.

Doing the washing-up with his “Love Mitten”

Vacuuming naked with his Dyson crevice attachment …



Finding new ways to annoy Mistress MJ. (e.g. sending urine samples to Mistress MJ through the mail).

Finding new ways to annoy Miss Scarlet (e.g. smearing his bottom with butter and leaving greasy bottom prints on her living room window).

Whinging on and on about his exhausting kitchen bitch shifts at Café C.

A good Norwegian Fish Whipping...



Crumpets.

Bumbling about in the garden, i.e. mistaking things for weeds and digging them up.

Ma Beastie’s Chick Pea Curry (the eating of which usually leads to unfortunate gastric incidents).

Snuggling (and farting) under his stinky duvet.

Inserting fruit up his arse …



DISLIKES:

Personal hygiene.

HEALTH (BOTH PHYSICAL AND MENTAL):

Chroncially itchy bumhole.

Body held together with a toxic miasma of burning chip fat and nicotine.

Several failed attempts to give up fags.

According to Beast, “You feel like crap , there is this little nagging bit of your brain , constantly bickering away at you (singing Fags Fags , give me fags*)”

* for our american readership in this context fags = cigarettes.

Rubber Gloves phobia as explained by Beast …

Pa Beasty was a chemist and used to hide a rubber glove containing a bit of dry ice in my chest of drawers .when an unsuspecting young Beast opened a drawer the rubber glove used to leap out with the expanding c02 , inflate to an enormous size and then explode..particularly 'hilarious' if the glove was filled with talcum powder.....you can imagine it got old very quickly and left me with a lifelong fear of drawers AND rubber gloves
***twitch***



Also harbours phobia of mandolins (the kitchen product, not the musical instrument) and ice skating.

TRAVELS & OUTINGS:

Several doomed bicycle trips to France in an attempt to get into Walnut World.

Repeatedly finding Walnut World closed thereby failing to experience the magic of Walnut World…

The walnut themed roller coasters (Called Le Nut Cracker) and various other white knuckle nut related rides. A history of all things Walnut in a boring Epcot styleeee futuristic walnut shaped pavillion. Capering french people dressed as walnuts. Restaurants offering delicious walnut related delicacies. Walnut oil fountains. A walnut castle.

FRIENDS:

Mr. Frobisher aka Mavis Boyle (drag "artiste" and host of Crap Bingo with Mavis at Café C)
Lloyd and Alfie (Mr. C’s two dogs)
Er, nobody else, really.


Beast's only friend, Mr. Frobisher aka Mavis Boyle (drag artiste)

BEAST'S SAD LITTLE SECRET:

“Do you know something , in all my 40 odd years on this planet , no one has ever brought me a chocolate easter egg......EVER.”


BITCHES: If you think you could be friends with Beast OR if you’d like to buy him a chocolate Easter egg OR if you’d just like to leave him a cheery birthday greeting, please make your way to the comments section.