Dear Royal Mail and Canada Post

Is anyone else still waiting for Christmas mail?

Dear Royal Mail and Canada Post: Where are my pressies? At a post office in Dildo, Newfoundland on the opposite coast?

I’ve been waiting ages for a parcel to arrive from England that was posted months ago, as well as a Christmas card that was posted in early December.

Yet a postie managed to deliver this Christmas card to Cornwall with no street name, no town and no post code on the envelope, using only a sketch on the envelope as a guide.





Should I complain to Hellmail?

World’s Most Expensive Pork Scratchings

The world’s most expensive pork scratchings arrived chez Infomaniac today by Royal Mail.






Addressed to: Madame MJ.

Sender: Yorkshire’s Fave Poofs, Piggy and Tazzy

Special Note on the parcel: Good news! Your sex toy is enclosed!




Scratchings stainage and seepage.


I’ve been waiting for this package of pork scratchings for how long? Since September 15th! That’s when Piggy and Tazzy originally mailed the parcel.

Luckily, the scratchings arrived before March 24, 2007 – their best-by date.






But the Royal Mail (obviously not hand-delivered by England’s fave postie, Steve) had other plans for the scratchings.


Piggy and Tazzy sent the scratchings to me only to have them arrive back at their house complete with a stuck-on-to-the-front note stating that the parcel was undeliverable. And they had the cheek to charge Pig and Taz £4 for returning it to them! But as Piggy said, “Cheeky cunts. They can bloody whistle for it, the incompetent bastards.”

And, said Piggy, like complete twats, they also didn’t bother to let them know WHY it was undeliverable.




80 grams of piggy heaven. Note on packet: “Only recommended for people with strong, healthy teeth.” In other words, wee rodents like the one pictured here.


So Piggy and Tazzy sent the parcel off again by Royal Mail on October 10th. They were told it would take 5 working days to arrive in Canada. It’s just arrived now on November 27th. Way to go Royal Mail!!!

And who knows how much money they’ve spent on sending and resending these scratchings? A fortune! That’s all their fag money spent for the month.




Ingredients: Pork Rind, Pork Fat, Salt, Flavour Enhancer, Monosodium Glutamate, Hydrolysed Vegetable Protein, Rusk (Wheatflour, Salt), Dextrose, Colours, Paprika Extract, Ammonia Caramel.



Oh, and Piggy? Get ready to fork over even more cash as you owe Tazzy £10 for that bet on whether or not I’d like them. I do. (Once I got past the vomit-inducing stench of them.) They’re an acquired taste, and I’ve only eaten a few so far, but I didn’t spit ‘em out so you owe Tazzy £10.

And ta very much fellas!